I got an e-mail from a twitter follower of mine (@seriousyoungman), asking me to give my feedback on a message he sent to a young lady on OKCupid. I have been known to take requests, as long as if I feel it would benefit all of my readers that I can post it here for you all to see.. (and potentially leave feedback of your own.)
As you will see in the message he sent, Nic is actually from England. While I do have a strong British following, according to my stats, most of my readers are from the U.S.A. Those of you from the America side of things should know that the humor in England is very different than the humor here.
Keep in mind I don’t know anything about the recipient, or anything other than that.. I am critiquing as though this was a first message, and to me. My opinion my differ from yours.. *My opinions are italicized.*
“Dear Miss, Starts off like a scam to me.. or at the very least a form letter.
My name is Nic d’Arcy. I am from Worcester. I am a 29 year old man. I am a man with needs. (I would already be turned away by this. I immediately assume physical needs, which really goes without saying.) These needs currently seem to be (in no order of importance): sleep; baked goods; and companionship. (Okay- redeemed a little. But- again without knowing anything about the actual recipient, I certainly hope that she listed “baking” as one of her favorite things to do.)
You would appear to be a woman, called [name], from Birmingham. A pretty woman. Nothing like Julia Roberts. (Offensive. Should have been “Much prettier than Julia Roberts” instead.) And currently only 2D. Much like Pretty Woman – I don’t think Richard Gere’s nose would work in 3D… Your nose works no matter what. Even when pushed into the oinkypiggywigposition. (I know this has to do with about the original recipient. The only thing I can comment is that I certainly hope she likes her nose.) That’s quite some feat.
I said this message would involve less nonsense. Oh gosh. Sorry.
Would you like me to stop there? Let’s be honest – you probably won’t even get ‘this’ far… (Although on one of my profiles, I say something like this: I hate when people write this. In this scenario, I see it to be fishing for a compliment..)
Sorry for bothering you with rubbish. (Another self demotion..)
I would very much like to get the chance to know you through this medium of the written word. If I were to be given the chance I’d seize it firmly with two hands and possibly bite your hands off. (Creepy.) Metaphorically. (Still creepy.) Although I do like biting (not in the moody toddler way)(and noses)… (I think people need to be REALLY careful with mentioning anything sexual fetish-wise. People can be very touchy about that stuff.. so my advice is: unless she starts that discussion, steer clear until you know her.)
Byeeee (I could go on the longest rant EVER about how I absolutely HATE when people – but extra if it’s a guy – put’s extra letters at the end of a word.. like “heyyyy” or “hiiiii”. Don’t even get me started.)
Nicholas d’Arcy xx “
Alright Blog-o-sphere.. I know Nic would also appreciate your comments.. (And I always like hearing you agree with me!)
Also – if you have some sort of dilemma that you think I could help with (cuz CLEARLY I am expert..) Shoot me a tweet, or an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.