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A Story For the Grandkids

29 Apr

hellokitty

I apologize for not blogging much lately, I have been taking a mental health break from the madness that is online dating.  Sometimes it gets to be too much, ya know?  However, I have still been practicing my flirting skills and chatting up complete strangers, as that is what I do.

Today’s story is one that I imagine would be a cute story to tell the grandchildren.

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Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

22 Mar

bridezilla-wedding-stress

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see.

This is easily one of my top ten posts on this blog, if not top five.  You’d really be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t click to read more!

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My Eyes Are Bleeding

22 Mar

It’s safe to presume that I find this opening online dating message I received to be a bit graphic.  I’ve been online dating for almost 4 years now, and I am still floored by what people think is okay to send to a complete stranger.

“Hi I just signed up today (well resigned up)  I’ll be honest It has been a few months since my last encounter.  I do like to start out giving oral if you are in to that and fingering.  I like to try getting my partner an orgasm be for the real deal. (How considerate..)  this can take about 10-20min depending on were your “G” spot s and how sensitive you are.  (Apparently I got a message from God’s gift to women.) Let me know if you are interested or not.  I wold like some common curtsy (…) as a message back even if you are not interested. I f  you do reply back with a no, I will not push the subject. :D”

Who wrote this for you?  A seven year old?  Good Lord.

I certainly don’t believe people who send this sort of message deserve any “common curtsy”, I really wanted to indicate that his message was not appreciated.

“And now my eyes are bleeding.. Thank you for the sexual assault.  Have a nice life.”

He must have sent his form letter to a bunch of ladies, as it appears as though he was reported and removed from the website.  I would bet the majority of females out there don’t appreciate being treated like a piece of meat.  Keep that in mind, fellas.

 

Common Curtsy

Threesomes

9 Feb

More from the files of “Online Dating is so damn difficult for normal people because idiots have flooded the market.”

“Hey can i ask your opinion on something”

“Okay.”

“I know this is random. Please take no offense and no im not asking for one.  What is your opinion on threesomes”

Yes, that is a random question, 20 year old boy from Georgia.  Why are you bothering me?  This better be for a school project.

“Personally, I am against them.”

“Jealous type?  Lol”

“No.  Are you done?”

“I reckom..”

For anyone out there trying to legitimately online date, I’m sorry that boys like this give the rest of you a bad name.

Arghghghghgghgghghgh!!

Persistence

5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.


“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

Girls Strike Out, Too.

26 Oct

I often have a lot of men complaining to me that women never take the initiative and send the first message in online dating.   I’m not here to say that we should or shouldn’t, but if I find someone I think I might like –  I am not shy to send a message.  You really have nothing to lose but a few minutes, if that.

I found a profile of someone in the area, in my age range, who is attractive, seems fun and that he has his ducks in a row.. and he mentions his adoration for Phil Collins more than once.  (Which could very easily be sarcasm.. but if you list it once, it’s fair game in a message.)

I sent him a note.  I won’t post it because it would make his profile easily find-able.  I asked him about something Phil Collins that he referenced on his profile, and gave it a few days.  Clearly he would see that I’m his future bride.

Nothing.   So, I did what any sensible girl would do..  I sent one last attempt:

“How could I just let you walk away?  .. Just let you leave without a trace?”

It clearly wasn’t meant to be if he didn’t find that hilarious.  Oh well.

Jollies

19 Oct

“When was the last time yu was eatin out”

I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking.. but, due to his horrendous grammar, I was going to sway it in my favor.

“I was at a restaurant last night.”

“Nice! When was the last time you had oral sex”

“Why do you ask?  I feel that’s pretty personal, and none of your business.”

“Who cares? not like were gonna meet anyways”

“We aren’t?  Why are you messaging me then?”

“Becuz Im a perv and I get my jollies off by asking girls questions like this”

“I’m not here to help you with your jollies.”

“Well sorry”

 

..Is he really, though?

 

I Need YOUR Help!

11 Oct

Exciting news from the Cat Cave —  I am going to be joining the Twin Cities News Talk Podcast Network with a (new) podcast about dating!   (Don’t worry CatLady Podcast Cult Following – I am not leaving the Wednesday night show! .. Hashtag P word.)  I will be joined in the new podcast by my radio friends @BenjaminKruse and @AndrewLeeTCNT.

Links and Tweets to follow –  BUT!!  I need your help first!!  (Yes.. YOU.. Reading this.  No, not “someone else will do it.”  YOU.)

Just send $5.00 to —  just kidding!

Part of the goal of this podcast is to get good advice out there, and we need questions to come in that we can give advice to!  (We could make them up, but why be fake?)  And our advice is golden:   CHECK IT OUT!

Could you send me all your burning (and non-burning) questions on dating?  Pretty please with a cherry on top?    Or if you have some stellar ideas on what you’d like to hear, send them my way as well!

Here.. I’ll make it easy for you:

 

Aww, I have the best readers in the world, that are so nice to share this blog post with everyone they know!  ;-)

Once a Month..

9 Oct

You know a person takes online dating SUPER seriously when their initial message to you says:

“Im pooping”

I was bored enough to see where this was going to go.

“Congratulations!  Thank you for the update.”

“U  know whatdestiny is?”

(Oh my God, if it has something to do with pooping…..)

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“its a ps4 game”

“Alright.”

“Anticlimactic”  (Uhh… yeah.. you’re tellin’ me.)

“Anythimg interestimg in the world?”

“I’m pretty sure you just told me the only two interesting things that have ever happened.”

“lol wut i mean like, whats up but more complicated.”

“I really can’t compete with pooping and PS4.”

“Lol well im actually playing ps4″

At that moment, I realized that being a woman, I could compete with pooping and PS4 (and even one-up him)..  and it just might scare this Prince Charming away.

“I’m menstruating, so that’s fun.”

“Thats amazing”   (Damn it!)

“I do it once a month!”  (Ba-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.. tip your waitresses.)

“Ive always wondered what it looks like but women always say no”

“…It looks like blood.”    (However, now that I’m typing this.. it makes a LOT more sense that he wonders what a vagina looks like.  D’oh!)

“Amazing i admire ur vagina, its like a boxer”

..I probably should have asked for some clarification on that.   Like,  he thinks it punches people?  Or is comparing it to breed of dog that often has a bad reputation? But-  I got bored with him.

 

 

Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  :)  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

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