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No Bitterness Detected

29 Aug

Kudos to @DatingMary who came across this profile, that shows absolutely no hint of bitterness or frustration whatsoever:

About Me:

I am looking for a woman who will:

- Turn down the radio when I am driving in traffic to tell me about your friend who always seems to date the same types of jerks because she’s an idiot

- Change the playoff game so that you can watch a rerun of Gossip Girl

- Ask a lot of questions during movies

- Ensure everyone understands how bad animal products are

- Leave her face on my pillow case when she goes home so it’s like she’s still there


Inquire within.  Thank you.  Management


If you are applying, please include the following obligatory pictures of you:

- Kissing a dolphin

- In the color race

- Skydiving

- With a statue or wax figure

- By the pool or on the beach taking a picture of your “legs and feet”

- In your car from an angle so it shows the backseat…. preferably with a child in the back

- Taking a selfie with your cleavage being front and center while your profile clearly states you will not respond to booty calls or “hey sexy”

Extra credit for pictures of your dogs and cats by themselves, bonus points if they are dressed up

Geez… trouble in paradise much?

Aside from not being in the same part of the world, I wouldn’t be a good match with him, because I only have one of his required photos (which I am now considering removing..)

I certainly hope he finds what he is looking for.  Be careful what you wish for, ya’ll!


Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun


“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”


I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

Salad Tossing and Insults.

31 May

**I ought to clarify that my lovely podcast co-host informed me what “Salad Tossing” actually means…  This guy was not into salad tossing – or at least not that I know of..   I’m so dumb sometimes!**

Internet dating is so amusing, and I get closer to taking the leap and adopting a cat every single day.   When I told this online dater “No” for the third and final time,  he demanded that I at least insult him in a creative way.  If that wasn’t asking to be put on my blog, I don’t know what is:

“Your masks freak me out.  But I’d like to go down on you”

I really wasn’t sure what to respond to that.  Two very different, and two very bold statements.  I chose to reference one, and not the other.

“Given that I am not wearing any masks in my photos, it’s apparently my face that freaks you out.”

“So when can I hit it?”

Smoooth, dude.


“That’s too bad.  I eat pussy like no one you’ve ever met.”

“You don’t know that.”  (I can only imagine you guys don’t all get together and dish about how awesome you are at “dinner beneath the bridge”… but, I’ve been wrong before..?   But, I could easily argue that this gentleman has never met everyone I’ve ever met, nor know the quality of their bedroom skills. I know I certainly don’t.)

“Well I know I’m good.  I have references”

“I would assume such a thing is subjective.”

“I’ll let you be the judge”

“No thanks.”

For those of you men who think this might be a good technique for you to use.. I’d recommend stopping at this point, and not go on as this fool did.

“I can guarantee satisfaction”

“No you can’t.”

“Well you must be a dyke.  Happy hunting”

Right… if all else fails, attempt to insult her.. That should work.

“Well, naturally, any female that doesn’t want you is a lesbian.”

“Do you want me to tongue punch your dick mitten or not?”

I give up.

Who Says This Stuff!?!?

4 May

Oh, goody!  It’s “Howl at the Moon” time again.  Seriously, if this type of message has either worked on you, or for you-  I would like to interview you at some point on the podcast.  This just makes me shudder:

“Wow very sexy think me and you would have some great fun in and out of the bedroom love a sexy girl and was seeing if you were up to some fun tonight seeing where close by each other drinks and hot kinky play all night ill lick your tight wet kitty till you cream all over my mouth plus i think we’d hit it off have allot of fun on the regular even grab dinner or catch a basketball game just good friends who have allot of fun even take trips =)”

..Punctuation?  What’s that?!..

To this guy, and many many others:  YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!!!  Dating is not “If you sleep with me, we might go out to dinner and I might take you to fun things.”   You go out to dinner, and take her to fun things, and IF YOU’RE LUCKY (Haha! Pun!)  you might get some bedroom time.  Keyword:  MIGHT.  —  But probably not.

I still do not get why guys think that messages propositioning a stranger for sex is a good idea.. and why they think she’ll say yes.   If she does say yes, she’s likely crazy, and I thought the saying was “Don’t put your dick in crazy.”  If a woman wants to have sex, she will easily find that opportunity on her own.





Are Men Complimented Enough?

13 Apr

Last week on the podcast, I briefly mentioned this article that I had found on my Facebook news feed.   I ask that you read it as homework for our follow up podcast on the matter.

If you are lazy – I shall summarize:  This is seemingly written by a man, who claims that guys don’t have it as easy as us gals think.  Imagine a world where you are never gawked at, complimented, etc. when the media tells you that you are ugly.  Apparently, that’s the experience of life for the man-folk.

The article also suggests “Tell a moderately attractive man that he’s attractive tomorrow in whatever way feels appropriate to you. It’s likely it’ll be the first time he’s heard it from a woman with whom he’s not in a relationship in a long while, possibly ever.”

I don’t want to tell you my thoughts on this article, because on Wednesday night (10PM Eastern, 9PM Central) we will be discussing this on the podcast. But –  I want to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Additionally, LADIES..  Regardless of your thoughts on this article,  I’d ask a favor that you do as the article suggests at least once, and let me know how it went.   I have done so since the last podcast at least once a day, and will continue to do so until Wednesday.  (Oh, and are there ever some fun stories already with that experiment..)

Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

16 Mar

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see:

“Hi there beautiful blue eyed girl xoxo :) I really would LOVE to get to know you!  You’re super cute and you seem very nice, smart and friendly as well :) So tell me, what exactly are you looking for on this website?”

Now,  I normally don’t respond to something that could have easily been copied and pasted..  and for the record, I didn’t really find this guy attractive, but I am trying to be a little more lenient on the matter, because online dating is a tough world out there..

“New friends to start, and if a relationship develops, then great.”

“I’m pretty much looking for the same thing as you are :)  That’s why I want you to know that I’m actually a very trustworthy/decent/respectful/sweet guy :) (Guys – for the zillionth time, if you have to tell someone you are these things.. you’re not.)  So you wouldn’t need to worry about me ever cheating on you or even having dull moments with me if you were to give me the amazing chance to start dating you :)  I’m sure we could learn tons from each other over time.  And I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong with this message.  (Ya think!?) It’s just that this is only way that I have to communicate with girls and express my true feelings toward them.  Like I’m super shy (Wait.. what?) so I never approach/strike up conversations with any girl in public/social settings. So that’s why my life has always sucked in the love department. Like I literally lost my virginity when I was 25 and it was to my ex. And she was the one who hit on me so I basically just got lucky. (Pun intended?) This is also the reason why I allowed her to yell at me, belittle me and treat me like crap while she and I were together.  I just didn’t want to risk losing the whole girlfriend experience which was amazing! But anyways, I also want you to know that I do believe that if you and I started texting, that you will like me a lot more because I’m actually a very nice/friendly/funny guy. You would have to take a little bit of a leap of faith in me (understatement.) and trust that I’m actually someone worth spending your time getting to know better :)  So tell me, beautiful girl, how long have you been single/using this website for? xoxo :)

I elected not to respond to this, which I hope are for obvious reasons.   24 hours later, he wrote again:

“I personally have been single for 15 months now after having a bad break up with my ex on January, 2013. She was the one who hit on me so I was able to date her from January 2012 until January 2013 when I lived in [Omitted.]  I even asked her to marry me but she declined because she wanted a guy with a house, a car and a job.  So my ex didn’t like the fact that I was not financially independent but I kept telling her hat I could work after we got married because I would automatically become a US citizen (That is not how that works, pal.) but she didn’t want to take a risk with me and I ended up coming back to my home country in January of 2013.  6 months later I moved to [State Omitted] but as it turns out I didn’t like it over in [State Omitted] so that’s why I came back to [State Omitted] again a couple months ago.So right now I just wish I could find a gorgeous girl as attractive and sexy as yourself that would steal my heart and create new and wonderful experiences with me in the near future :) xoxo :) In other words, (Oh Buddy.. no other words are necessary..) I’m looking for a girl I can date and spend a lot of quality time with but if you’re just interested in being friends with me that would work for me too since I don’t know anyone here at the moment  :)”

Once again, for what I hope are obvious reasons, I did not respond to this.  (In fact, I didn’t even read it until later.)  The next day,  I got another message, more ridiculous than the last:

“I feel the need to come clean about something though :)  I want you to know that I would really love to date you!  You are by far the cutest blue eyed girl I have ever seen in my entire life and I’m sure you believe me because you’ve looked at yourself in the mirror countless of times :) xoxo You’re so cute that I would love to have a monogamous relationship with you! (Lucky me?)  Even though I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, I still prefer monogamy all the way :)  Specially if I’m with a blue eyed girl as gorgeous looking, smart, social and honest as yourself :) And don’t worry about me being too inexperienced in the love department because I can honestly tell you that I would genuinely love to be in between your legs 24/7, eating you out, smelling you, licking you and drinking all your girly juice!  (*shudders* He makes it sound so romantic..) That’s how attractive you really are!  I would even go as far (wait for it..) as to stick my tongue in your butt hole and lick it hardcore too :)  As you can tell I’m a horn ball hehe :) Since I haven’t had much sex in my life due to my social shyness/anxiety (again.. what?) I am always in desperate need to have some girly private parts in my mouth :) Obviously if you gave me the chance to eat yours, you’d be extremely satisfied with my job because I’ll pretty much make a home in your private areas!  By the way, just because I said on my profile that I was shy when approaching/striking up conversations with girls, doesn’t mean that I’m shy in bed.  If anything, I’m actually an “extraordinarily amazing lover” because I’m in such a desperate need to taste and drink lots of girly juice. So when I’m finally able to get some, I’ll go for it with tremendous amounts of PASSION AND LUST!!!! :)  In other words, (again.. not necessary..) you’re actually going to LOOOOOOOVE having me in between your legs, smelling you, eating you out and licking your butt hole all at the same time xoxo :) So what do you say? Would you like to be my girlfriend? xoxo :)”

This pretty much rendered me speechless..  but, it was time to respond, and get him to stop messaging me.

“I don’t want to be just your girlfriend.  Let’s get married.”

“Hahahaha :) You’re too funny! But let’s do it :)  I would certainly get married to a girl as pretty as yourself :)  There’s no better way of waking up every day than having a gorgeous girl by your side every morning :)  So if you’re down for it, I am too hehe :)  I still believe we should get to know each other and hang out in real life first before we make any further decisions/plans xoxo :)”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.  I talked to my pastor and he can marry us tomorrow before church.”

“Are you serious?  Why would you want to marry someone you don’t even know?”  (Really, dude?)

“Of course I’m serious.  If you are serious about licking my butt hole, I need it to be okay with Jesus.  And that’s if we get married.   I booked us for 9AM.”

“Sorry but I’m not marrying you tomorrow.  I need to hang out with you first and see if you and I get along pretty well.  I’m definitely OK with licking your butt hole and eating your female privates, but I’m just not OK with marrying someone I haven’t even met in real life”   (What?  No xoxo?)

“You are weird.”

I gave him a little while before writing again:

“I just talked to Pastor.  He wants to meet you first anyway.  So we should go to church at 11AM, and he said if all goes well, he can marry us at 2PM.  Does that work for you?”

“The only reason why I’d like to give you oral pleasure aside form the fact that you’re pretty is because I’m very lonely, horny, depressed and miserable all the time.  (Aha!  Truth comes out..) So it would be completely wrong for you to assume that I’m some kind of perve.  I’m just sexually frustrated/starved that’s all.  Just to give you an example of how pathetic my love life really is, I went to the mall last weekend and it made me extremely sad noticing how many beautiful girls were holding hands with guys that looked pretty young and imature for them.  I honestly don’t know why there is not a single girl out there willing to date me!  (..I have some ideas..)  It really sucks and this is the very reason why I’m so sexually frustrated.  I also have this washed up roommate who is a total druggy/alcoholic douchebag that still manages to bring 3 different girls to his room at least twice a week each.  Meanwhile, I find the need to use these stupid websites that are really worthless because I really haven’t met anyone in real life from here yet.  So I have no clue why life has to be so freaking unfair. :(“

“I found a GORGEOUS dress!!!!!!!  So does church at 11AM work for you tomorrow and then if you like me, you can see the dress at 2?”

I think I broke him at that point..  I didn’t hear back.  So.. a few hours later:

“Pastor wants to know if you’re coming tomorrow?”


“That’s really mean!!!!!  I spent all day preparing for tomorrow, and now you’re bailing!?”

“I said I wanted to meet you and hang out with you way before getting married to you”

“Pretty sure I have a screen shot that says otherwise.”

“You’re literally insane.”

“I think YOU’RE insane for wanting pre-martial butt lickage.”

He hasn’t responded, and I have no intent to bother him anymore.  But, hopefully this just helps prove my theory that nothing ever good (aside from blog-hilarity, of course) comes from sending or responding to a form letter.


“Don’t Take Life Soo Serious.”

8 Mar

If you’ve ever read me before – you understand that I certainly take this whole online dating thing with a grain of salt, and I do actually have a sense of humor about the whole thing.   He didn’t read me that way..  so, in an effort to “Not take life soo serious,”   I am posting this interaction, so we can all have a good laugh.   (I’m sure he’ll understand..)

“I have a crazy big cock …pets hook up”

“Pets not.”

“Lol I mean I have a big cicken and I need him to hook up”

“I don’t know what a cicken is.. But again, I’ll pass.”


“Rooster aka a cock  ….what do you live in a cave?”

“I prefer a cave to the barn you’re living in.”     (Part of me did want to tell him that I live in the Bat Cave… but.. he wasn’t cool enough to know that.)

“Jees calm down pussy cat I’m just Fucking around”

“Were you raised to talk to complete strangers like that?”   (Honestly, this wasn’t me being upset.. this was a legit question.  I’m sure has a mother.)

“Omg you clearly have no sense of humor …Dude don’t take life soo serious …life’s too short”

“Life’s too short, so I should enjoy your big cock?”  (Just curious..)

“Lol no I was just playing around..”

I’d be interested to hear if he gets any positive responses from his clearly hilarious opening line.  As always, I’d suggest knowing a little bit more about your audience before pulling out humor such as this.






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