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Sometimes You Need to Fight Fire With Fire

22 Mar

bridezilla-wedding-stress

I apologize that this is a long one, (That’s what he said.)   but after reading it aloud to some friends,  I am convinced it needs to be shared.  I am not normally in the market to mess with people..  but, sometimes you need to fight crazy with crazier… You’ll see:

“Hi there beautiful blue eyed girl xoxo :) I really would LOVE to get to know you!  You’re super cute and you seem very nice, smart and friendly as well :) So tell me, what exactly are you looking for on this website?”

Now,  I normally don’t respond to something that could have easily been copied and pasted..  and for the record, I didn’t really find this guy attractive, but I am trying to be a little more lenient on the matter, because online dating is a tough world out there..

“New friends to start, and if a relationship develops, then great.”

“I’m pretty much looking for the same thing as you are :)  That’s why I want you to know that I’m actually a very trustworthy/decent/respectful/sweet guy :) (Guys – for the zillionth time, if you have to tell someone you are these things.. you’re not.)  So you wouldn’t need to worry about me ever cheating on you or even having dull moments with me if you were to give me the amazing chance to start dating you :)  I’m sure we could learn tons from each other over time.  And I’m sorry if I’m coming on too strong with this message.  (Ya think!?) It’s just that this is only way that I have to communicate with girls and express my true feelings toward them.  Like I’m super shy (Wait.. what?) so I never approach/strike up conversations with any girl in public/social settings. So that’s why my life has always sucked in the love department. Like I literally lost my virginity when I was 25 and it was to my ex. And she was the one who hit on me so I basically just got lucky. (Pun intended?) This is also the reason why I allowed her to yell at me, belittle me and treat me like crap while she and I were together.  I just didn’t want to risk losing the whole girlfriend experience which was amazing! But anyways, I also want you to know that I do believe that if you and I started texting, that you will like me a lot more because I’m actually a very nice/friendly/funny guy. You would have to take a little bit of a leap of faith in me (understatement.) and trust that I’m actually someone worth spending your time getting to know better :)  So tell me, beautiful girl, how long have you been single/using this website for? xoxo :)

I elected not to respond to this, which I hope are for obvious reasons.   24 hours later, he wrote again:

“I personally have been single for 15 months now after having a bad break up with my ex on January, 2013. She was the one who hit on me so I was able to date her from January 2012 until January 2013 when I lived in [Omitted.]  I even asked her to marry me but she declined because she wanted a guy with a house, a car and a job.  So my ex didn’t like the fact that I was not financially independent but I kept telling her hat I could work after we got married because I would automatically become a US citizen (That is not how that works, pal.) but she didn’t want to take a risk with me and I ended up coming back to my home country in January of 2013.  6 months later I moved to [State Omitted] but as it turns out I didn’t like it over in [State Omitted] so that’s why I came back to [State Omitted] again a couple months ago.So right now I just wish I could find a gorgeous girl as attractive and sexy as yourself that would steal my heart and create new and wonderful experiences with me in the near future :) xoxo :) In other words, (Oh Buddy.. no other words are necessary..) I’m looking for a girl I can date and spend a lot of quality time with but if you’re just interested in being friends with me that would work for me too since I don’t know anyone here at the moment  :)”

Once again, for what I hope are obvious reasons, I did not respond to this.  (In fact, I didn’t even read it until later.)  The next day,  I got another message, more ridiculous than the last:

“I feel the need to come clean about something though :)  I want you to know that I would really love to date you!  You are by far the cutest blue eyed girl I have ever seen in my entire life and I’m sure you believe me because you’ve looked at yourself in the mirror countless of times :) xoxo You’re so cute that I would love to have a monogamous relationship with you! (Lucky me?)  Even though I’ve only had one girlfriend in my entire life, I still prefer monogamy all the way :)  Specially if I’m with a blue eyed girl as gorgeous looking, smart, social and honest as yourself :) And don’t worry about me being too inexperienced in the love department because I can honestly tell you that I would genuinely love to be in between your legs 24/7, eating you out, smelling you, licking you and drinking all your girly juice!  (*shudders* He makes it sound so romantic..) That’s how attractive you really are!  I would even go as far (wait for it..) as to stick my tongue in your butt hole and lick it hardcore too :)  As you can tell I’m a horn ball hehe :) Since I haven’t had much sex in my life due to my social shyness/anxiety (again.. what?) I am always in desperate need to have some girly private parts in my mouth :) Obviously if you gave me the chance to eat yours, you’d be extremely satisfied with my job because I’ll pretty much make a home in your private areas!  By the way, just because I said on my profile that I was shy when approaching/striking up conversations with girls, doesn’t mean that I’m shy in bed.  If anything, I’m actually an “extraordinarily amazing lover” because I’m in such a desperate need to taste and drink lots of girly juice. So when I’m finally able to get some, I’ll go for it with tremendous amounts of PASSION AND LUST!!!! :)  In other words, (again.. not necessary..) you’re actually going to LOOOOOOOVE having me in between your legs, smelling you, eating you out and licking your butt hole all at the same time xoxo :) So what do you say? Would you like to be my girlfriend? xoxo :)”

This pretty much rendered me speechless..  but, it was time to respond, and get him to stop messaging me.

“I don’t want to be just your girlfriend.  Let’s get married.”

“Hahahaha :) You’re too funny! But let’s do it :)  I would certainly get married to a girl as pretty as yourself :)  There’s no better way of waking up every day than having a gorgeous girl by your side every morning :)  So if you’re down for it, I am too hehe :)  I still believe we should get to know each other and hang out in real life first before we make any further decisions/plans xoxo :)”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.  I talked to my pastor and he can marry us tomorrow before church.”

“Are you serious?  Why would you want to marry someone you don’t even know?”  (Really, dude?)

“Of course I’m serious.  If you are serious about licking my butt hole, I need it to be okay with Jesus.  And that’s if we get married.   I booked us for 9AM.”

“Sorry but I’m not marrying you tomorrow.  I need to hang out with you first and see if you and I get along pretty well.  I’m definitely OK with licking your butt hole and eating your female privates, but I’m just not OK with marrying someone I haven’t even met in real life”   (What?  No xoxo?)

“You are weird.”

I gave him a little while before writing again:

“I just talked to Pastor.  He wants to meet you first anyway.  So we should go to church at 11AM, and he said if all goes well, he can marry us at 2PM.  Does that work for you?”

“The only reason why I’d like to give you oral pleasure aside form the fact that you’re pretty is because I’m very lonely, horny, depressed and miserable all the time.  (Aha!  Truth comes out..) So it would be completely wrong for you to assume that I’m some kind of perve.  I’m just sexually frustrated/starved that’s all.  Just to give you an example of how pathetic my love life really is, I went to the mall last weekend and it made me extremely sad noticing how many beautiful girls were holding hands with guys that looked pretty young and imature for them.  I honestly don’t know why there is not a single girl out there willing to date me!  (..I have some ideas..)  It really sucks and this is the very reason why I’m so sexually frustrated.  I also have this washed up roommate who is a total druggy/alcoholic douchebag that still manages to bring 3 different girls to his room at least twice a week each.  Meanwhile, I find the need to use these stupid websites that are really worthless because I really haven’t met anyone in real life from here yet.  So I have no clue why life has to be so freaking unfair. :(“

“I found a GORGEOUS dress!!!!!!!  So does church at 11AM work for you tomorrow and then if you like me, you can see the dress at 2?”

I think I broke him at that point..  I didn’t hear back.  So.. a few hours later:

“Pastor wants to know if you’re coming tomorrow?”

“No.”

“That’s really mean!!!!!  I spent all day preparing for tomorrow, and now you’re bailing!?”

“I said I wanted to meet you and hang out with you way before getting married to you”

“Pretty sure I have a screen shot that says otherwise.”

“You’re literally insane.”

“I think YOU’RE insane for wanting pre-martial butt lickage.”

He hasn’t responded, and I have no intent to bother him anymore.  But, hopefully this just helps prove my theory that nothing ever good (aside from blog-hilarity, of course) comes from sending or responding to a form letter.

 

My Eyes Are Bleeding

22 Mar

It’s safe to presume that I find this opening online dating message I received to be a bit graphic.  I’ve been online dating for almost 4 years now, and I am still floored by what people think is okay to send to a complete stranger.

“Hi I just signed up today (well resigned up)  I’ll be honest It has been a few months since my last encounter.  I do like to start out giving oral if you are in to that and fingering.  I like to try getting my partner an orgasm be for the real deal. (How considerate..)  this can take about 10-20min depending on were your “G” spot s and how sensitive you are.  (Apparently I got a message from God’s gift to women.) Let me know if you are interested or not.  I wold like some common curtsy (…) as a message back even if you are not interested. I f  you do reply back with a no, I will not push the subject. :D”

Who wrote this for you?  A seven year old?  Good Lord.

I certainly don’t believe people who send this sort of message deserve any “common curtsy”, I really wanted to indicate that his message was not appreciated.

“And now my eyes are bleeding.. Thank you for the sexual assault.  Have a nice life.”

He must have sent his form letter to a bunch of ladies, as it appears as though he was reported and removed from the website.  I would bet the majority of females out there don’t appreciate being treated like a piece of meat.  Keep that in mind, fellas.

 

Common Curtsy

Threesomes

9 Feb

More from the files of “Online Dating is so damn difficult for normal people because idiots have flooded the market.”

“Hey can i ask your opinion on something”

“Okay.”

“I know this is random. Please take no offense and no im not asking for one.  What is your opinion on threesomes”

Yes, that is a random question, 20 year old boy from Georgia.  Why are you bothering me?  This better be for a school project.

“Personally, I am against them.”

“Jealous type?  Lol”

“No.  Are you done?”

“I reckom..”

For anyone out there trying to legitimately online date, I’m sorry that boys like this give the rest of you a bad name.

Arghghghghgghgghghgh!!

Persistence

5 Nov

This morning while getting ready for work, my phone beeped that I had a new Tinder match, and not ten seconds later, that I had a new Tinder message.


“Let’s make out!”

Goodness.. it was 7AM.

“How does that work?  Do we lick our phone screens or something?”

“No we hang out and actuslly make out lol”

“Well, that won’t be possible, because I have work.”

“Ha ok after work lol”

“No can do, I have plans.”   (Yeah.. plans to blog about you..)

“I see. Quickie before work?”

“That’s also going to be a no.”

“Too bad.”

What did you do today, Dude?  “I tried to convince girls to make out with me all day on Tinder.”  GET A JOB!

Girls Strike Out, Too.

26 Oct

I often have a lot of men complaining to me that women never take the initiative and send the first message in online dating.   I’m not here to say that we should or shouldn’t, but if I find someone I think I might like –  I am not shy to send a message.  You really have nothing to lose but a few minutes, if that.

I found a profile of someone in the area, in my age range, who is attractive, seems fun and that he has his ducks in a row.. and he mentions his adoration for Phil Collins more than once.  (Which could very easily be sarcasm.. but if you list it once, it’s fair game in a message.)

I sent him a note.  I won’t post it because it would make his profile easily find-able.  I asked him about something Phil Collins that he referenced on his profile, and gave it a few days.  Clearly he would see that I’m his future bride.

Nothing.   So, I did what any sensible girl would do..  I sent one last attempt:

“How could I just let you walk away?  .. Just let you leave without a trace?”

It clearly wasn’t meant to be if he didn’t find that hilarious.  Oh well.

Jollies

19 Oct

“When was the last time yu was eatin out”

I was pretty sure I knew what he was asking.. but, due to his horrendous grammar, I was going to sway it in my favor.

“I was at a restaurant last night.”

“Nice! When was the last time you had oral sex”

“Why do you ask?  I feel that’s pretty personal, and none of your business.”

“Who cares? not like were gonna meet anyways”

“We aren’t?  Why are you messaging me then?”

“Becuz Im a perv and I get my jollies off by asking girls questions like this”

“I’m not here to help you with your jollies.”

“Well sorry”

 

..Is he really, though?

 

I Need YOUR Help!

11 Oct

Exciting news from the Cat Cave —  I am going to be joining the Twin Cities News Talk Podcast Network with a (new) podcast about dating!   (Don’t worry CatLady Podcast Cult Following – I am not leaving the Wednesday night show! .. Hashtag P word.)  I will be joined in the new podcast by my radio friends @BenjaminKruse and @AndrewLeeTCNT.

Links and Tweets to follow –  BUT!!  I need your help first!!  (Yes.. YOU.. Reading this.  No, not “someone else will do it.”  YOU.)

Just send $5.00 to —  just kidding!

Part of the goal of this podcast is to get good advice out there, and we need questions to come in that we can give advice to!  (We could make them up, but why be fake?)  And our advice is golden:   CHECK IT OUT!

Could you send me all your burning (and non-burning) questions on dating?  Pretty please with a cherry on top?    Or if you have some stellar ideas on what you’d like to hear, send them my way as well!

Here.. I’ll make it easy for you:

 

Aww, I have the best readers in the world, that are so nice to share this blog post with everyone they know!  ;-)

Once a Month..

9 Oct

You know a person takes online dating SUPER seriously when their initial message to you says:

“Im pooping”

I was bored enough to see where this was going to go.

“Congratulations!  Thank you for the update.”

“U  know whatdestiny is?”

(Oh my God, if it has something to do with pooping…..)

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“its a ps4 game”

“Alright.”

“Anticlimactic”  (Uhh… yeah.. you’re tellin’ me.)

“Anythimg interestimg in the world?”

“I’m pretty sure you just told me the only two interesting things that have ever happened.”

“lol wut i mean like, whats up but more complicated.”

“I really can’t compete with pooping and PS4.”

“Lol well im actually playing ps4″

At that moment, I realized that being a woman, I could compete with pooping and PS4 (and even one-up him)..  and it just might scare this Prince Charming away.

“I’m menstruating, so that’s fun.”

“Thats amazing”   (Damn it!)

“I do it once a month!”  (Ba-dum-bum… I’ll be here all week.. tip your waitresses.)

“Ive always wondered what it looks like but women always say no”

“…It looks like blood.”    (However, now that I’m typing this.. it makes a LOT more sense that he wonders what a vagina looks like.  D’oh!)

“Amazing i admire ur vagina, its like a boxer”

..I probably should have asked for some clarification on that.   Like,  he thinks it punches people?  Or is comparing it to breed of dog that often has a bad reputation? But-  I got bored with him.

 

 

Feminazi.

8 Sep

It just never ends, does it?

Today’s interaction is with a 22 year old male, who apparently doesn’t have a head.  Just a torso.  It appears as though he has probably been working out for about a month or so.. slightly defined, but nothing he should be bragging about.

“Into younger guys?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that question.”

“I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?”

“Why would I want that from someone I don’t know?”

“because I’m insanely attractive  and it would feel so good.”

“I’ve not fucked many ‘insanely attractive’ guys that I DO know.  Your logic stands to no reason.”

“Before you insult my logic reread your sentence and try to type coherent.  Your logic is nonexistent”

I had a few moments of self doubt after reading that message..  But, I think my sentence made sense.

“Let me retype it for you, then:

I have (I’ve) not fucked many of the ‘insanely attractive’ (I am quoting your description of yourself here..) guys (males, men, boys) that I do know.  (As in guys that I know in real life.  I DO know them, versus you who I do not.)

So, if I won’t fuck them, and they are ‘insanely attractive’ (which can also be proven as I have seen their face..) Why do you think I would fuck *you* for that reason?

Does my sentence make better sense to you now?  :)  (<– this indicates this was not said bitchily.  It is a smiley face.)”

“I do not think you would.  whoever said i thought you would fuck me? putting words into my head now?  I hate to be a misogynistic asshole guy but sometimes my physiology gets the best of me.  Yeah I think you’re attractive and I would totally love to fuck you to be straightforward.”

“How have I put words in your head?  You asked if I was into younger guys and when I questioned that, you clarified by saying ‘I mean do you want a sexy athletic 22 year old to fuck your brains out or not?’   … Were you asking for a friend or something?”

“I never once implied the slightest that I thought you would fuck me.”

“I can’t imagine your logic was ‘There is no way she’ll ever have sex with me.. I better ask her to be sure.’ “

“I’m not sober.  Idk what I was thinking and I don’t like arguing so i’m done”

“Okay.  Have a nice life.”

“Feminazi.  Fuck off.”

 

Umm…… ???

White Boys Online Dating

1 Sep

Apparently some guys never grow up.

“Are you a virgin?”

Believe it or not,  this is a 28 year old male, and not a 14 year old boy.

“Wow.  That is absolutely none of your business.”

“But I’m curious.”

“Still none of your business.”

“Ok bye”

If any guy out there would care to explain to me why many of you seem to be fascinated with that question, please leave a comment.  Does an answer to that even matter?

Not a week went by before I got another charming message:

“Do you like giving head”

“Does anyone ever answer your ridiculous questions?”

“Yeah.  Casual sex isn’t going to happen if no one asked That’s why it’s called casual”

“You are so sadly mistaken.”

“Shut up bye virgin”

 

Wait… when did “virgin” become an insult?  Or is it only an insult one uses if they are one?

And.. just because I can–   His profile is pretty bare..  it says he has a shaved head, and that he has been online dating way too long.  Oddly enough, the majority of words is found under the “Message Me If” section which reads:  “Message me if you think we have anything in common and if you are serious about meeting someone.”  

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