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Did You Just Call Me Fat?

18 May

This has been weighing (no pun intended) on my mind the past few days.. so I figured I best get it out there.   This one, in particular, is for my female readers.

I had #31 and his roommate over the other day for some grilling and a bonfire.  When I asked him if he was going to be bringing the meat, he replied with “a big slab, naturally.”   Overall, good times were had.

But – while grilling, #31 said to me, “This is kind of awkward, and I never know how to bring this stuff up..”  I raised my eyebrow, and he continued, “You’ve lost some weight.”  Indeed, I have been shedding a few pounds by watching what I eat, and working out.. so I responded a “Heck yeah!” and we high-fived.. and I then proceed to ask why that was awkward to bring up.

Both #31 and his roommate said that girls get offended when they have mentioned weight loss before.   I understood what they meant right away by playfully saying “OMG, are you trying to say I used to be FAT?!”  .. because I KNOW that’s what girls say.

Ladies –  What is wrong with you (us)?  If a guy has noticed you have lost weight, say THANK YOU..  It’s a compliment.  I am going to speak on behalf of the guys (and Guys: If I am wrong, feel free to comment..)  and tell you that this means you look good, and your hard work is paying off (if you are attempting to lose weight).  It does not mean “Wow, I used to think you looked like a cow.”

I understand that if you haven’t been trying to lose weight, or haven’t lost weight, and someone tells you this that it kind of throws you for a loop.  Can we not read into it, though, and give people the benefit of the doubt?   People are going to stop complimenting if they get attacked when they do so..  so take a deep breath, eat some chocolate and drink some wine.

Oooh… chocolate and wine…  Gotta go!

Observations

13 May

It was The Intern’s birthday yesterday and after dinner, we went out to the local restaurant that turns into a hoppin’ nightclub after dark on weekends.  Being that I was sober the entire evening,  I have some observations about how things go when people go out dancing, and some advice to go along with it.

Firstly, gentlemen..  there is a time when it is okay to dance with a girl (a.k.a. go up behind her and start grinding) without asking and a time when it is not:  It IS okay if you have made eye contact with this girl more than once, and there was a smiling interaction.   It MIGHT be okay if your friend is dancing with this girl, and she knows you are friends with him.  It is NOT okay in any other scenario.

Secondly, ladies..  And I know this is difficult..  If a guy (ESPECIALLY a painfully nerdy guy) politely asks you to dance, after seemingly creeping your group of girls for awhile,  don’t turn him down.  You don’t have to go home with him.  [Some] Guys struggle so much with working up the courage to do this,  and rejection stings.  (Just think about when you text a guy and get ignored..)  Someday, some girl is going to think he is gorgeous, and because you wouldn’t dance for 3 minutes, he may not ask her to dance.  JUST DO IT.  If he’s asking in the first place, he is going to be respectful.

Thirdly, douchebags who don’t follow my steps on item one.. If you start grinding behind a girl who you cannot see, your friends give you the thumbs up, proceed to laugh and take videos of you with said girl, and then leave you alone to dance with her the entire night — you need new friends.   If then this girl/woman’s daughters (who are of legal drinking age at minimum) are wigged out and try to get you to go away, and you don’t – you’re a creeposaur.  Additionally –  No one wants to see you groping anyone’s boobs, nevermind the 55+ year old woman you are dancing with.

Lastly,  being sober at a dance club kind of sucks, because you notice all this shit.

What I HATE About Online Dating

3 May

Obviously there are several things I hate about online dating.. but overall, I think online dating is a pretty good concept.  Allow me to share with you what I dislike most about the entire process, though:

You go on your OKCupid date, and you either have a nice time or you don’t.  When you get home…  for some stupid reason (and I will tell you the female reason..)  you log onto OKCupid.

Girls log on to OKCupid because they either don’t see relationship potential, OR to see if the guy has logged on to OKCupid, because we read into shit like that.   (If a male would like to enlighten- by all means..)   If the guy is “Online Now!”  or has been since the date –  we will automatically assume he is not interested.

Let’s set some ground rules.

1)  After a successful OKCupid date,  you should NOT log back on to OKCupid unless you absolutely have no other way to contact the person.  (And if you don’t have another way to contact the person… Why don’t you have another way to contact the person!?)

2)  If your OKCupid date was not successful,  can we just tell the other person?  Part B to that is if someone tells you that they aren’t interested:  RESPECT THAT.

But — that’s wishful thinking, eh?

So, my friends —  what do you do after a successful OKC date?  Why do you log on?  What do you do if you see the other person is logged on?  Leave me a note so I can get this figured out!!

An Update- FINALLY!

2 May

I am so sorry that I have fallen off the planet for awhile.  I won’t go into details, other than my absence was not boy-related (sadly).   But – things will start swinging upward and we can get back to our regularly scheduled blog posts — and by “regularly scheduled” I mean whenever I feel like it..  but more often.

Sadly this is not an online dating blog post.. but –  it still made me laugh, and for those of you who are just not sure how the male mind works yet.. maybe this will help.

I was checking out Facebook this morning when I saw a very long update from Velvet.  (You know,  BFF who was online dating with me until she got herself a boyfriend.)    Her status update, in a nutshell, said that she needed to sleep, but was distracted by thinking about this, this, that, this, that, this, this, etc.  (It’s a female curse, I tell you!)

The following is the comments on said Facebook status:

MR. Velvet:   I told you meth was a bad idea.   (This was a joke, just so those of you who don’t personally know her take it the wrong way.)

Velvet:  Meth??? I thought I was supposed to avoid MATH!? Stupid high school guidance counselors and their tricky wordplay…   (She’s a geek.. but this shouldn’t be anything new.)

MR. Velvet:  Math=good. Meth=no teeth.

MR. Velvet:  …so also good.

 

This interaction just made me laugh and I felt it was worthy to share with you.  Hope you all are having a swell week!

Should I Post a Shirtless Pic on my Online Dating Profile?

7 Mar

I have been asked several times, “CatLady,  is it a good idea to post a shirtless photo of myself on my online dating profile?”

Let me spell it out for you:  NO!

Men of the internet,  you will never win by posting a shirtless photo of yourself..  ESPECIALLY if it was taken in the bathroom.

Let’s dig deeper..

If you are a male,  it is safe to say you are either toned/ripped, or you are not.

If you work out and have something to show, once again – especially if it is a bathroom self portrait – you appear absolutely full of yourself.   I can imagine the pep talk you give yourself in the mirror every morning.  You are probably super high maintenance, and I already don’t think I can deal with you.

Let’s say you are probably average, aren’t sporting a tan and keep your six pack in the cooler.. You, my friend, are going to be mocked.

“But what if I am on the beach?”   I still think posting any sort of shirtless photo of yourself seems tool-ish, but it’s not as bad as the shirtless bathroom photo.  I will probably mock you if you are pasty on the beach, or sporting a farmer tan.  (Believe me, I’ve seen it!)

Let me counter it with this –  you probably don’t want to see every female on OKCupid in a bikini, right?   Fact of life:  Some female body types just look better in a tasteful one-piece suit.

Save your manly chest for a private viewing..  She’ll let you know if she’s dying to see it.

What Time Is It?

20 Feb

I don’t know about the rest of you – but lately the men of the online meat market have decided that anytime between midnight and 3am is an acceptable time to be sending me a message.

These messages are nothing exciting, just basic form letters for the most part.  So, why am I telling you this?    I am telling you this because if you are one of my male readers, I would like to think you come here as a “What not to do” guide to online dating.

DO NOT SEND A FIRST MESSAGE TO SOMEONE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF MIDNIGHT AND FIVE AM!!

Are there exceptions?  Yes.  Pretty much the only one being if you work a night shift, and you put that in your message.   But otherwise, don’t do it.

Personally, I have the OKCupid app on my phone, and my phone makes a noise when you send me your fan mail.   This wakes me up, and unless you and I have been messaging back and forth, or your message is brilliant, it pisses me off.   If you are a respectable human being,  you shouldn’t be sending a message that late/early.   Save her to your favorites, and message her in the morning.   This will make it seem like you aren’t just looking for a piece of ass.

And, per the usual,  ditch the form letter.

Already Gotten Weird

13 Jan

My POF profile has a hidden nugget in there that says something along the lines of “Your message should engage me if you want a response.”    And quite honestly, I haven’t been on that site in months.  (You ALL know how I feel about POF.)   But, my phone alerted me yesterday, while I was out shopping, that I had a message on there.

“Hi. How are you? What’s up? =oP

So, I’m confused by your comment about art. Are you saying you’re an artist, but not the brooding, anti social stereotype peope tend to think of?”

(I also mention being an artist, but not a “dark” one..  More cheery..)  Now, being that I hadn’t been on POF in forever, and was out – I responded a quick “Yes.”  to this guy.   I then went to his profile and saw that he is definitely out of my age range currently.  (12 years older..)  and he probably wouldn’t have been someone I would have messaged back had I read his profile first..  but-  it was done.

“So, you make comments about engaging in conversation, but send a one word reply? Gawd.”

Haha – he did call me out there.

“Lol… Engaging questions require more than a yes or no answer.  I am also out and on my phone and would forget to reply otherwise.. and like you said.. pof is a joke.”

(I referenced his profile in POF being a joke – that is something we have in common.)

“Even a yes or no question can be elaborated on. You could have said something like “Yep. That’s what I mean. What about you? What kind of art do you do? I like to paint” and so on. You can’t expect someone to be able to carry a conversation with you when you only say one thing and wait for someone to prod you for a reply. I’d rather prod you in other ways.”

Once again – I want to point out that I wasn’t on my A game, because I was not at home, and busy doing other things.

“Well I tend to think when it comes to online its not my job to start the conversation or elaborate. And, once again, not being home and using my phone instead makes it a challenge.”

Now – if you’ve read me for awhile, you know what I meant by the above response.   If I seek the person out – I should be the one building the conversation, I should not expect the guy to do the work.   In this instance,  he found me and sent me a message with a “yes or no” question – and expected me to have a huge response.    He has the right idea down, because he told me what I should have said back..  but he should have been the one to ask those particular questions.

“What kind of thinking is that? Well, good luck. This has gotten weird already.”

I didn’t respond because I can’t get myself to care.   Maybe he’ll see the blog.  And he also said he wanted to “prod me in other ways” which… ugh.

So once again, the lesson here is – don’t make the person you are messaging do the work for you..  Had he have sent to me what he told me I should have sent back – this conversation would have been way different.

Velvet’s New Dating Rule

17 Dec

So, Catlady fans, Velvet here has a rant. And because Catlady loves me, she lets me rant to you. My apologies in advance…

We have mentioned before that I am a bit older than her. Because of this, my dating “age window” is older than hers. In conversations and Twitter threads and talking to friends and such, I know that there is a thought that when it comes to dating, supposedly there is a magical age when we all become more mature and less likely to seek drama, men and women alike supposedly become more self-aware and able to really be present in a relationship in their late 20s and early 30s. Gone are the days of playing games to see if he/she really loves you, and everyone knows what they are looking for, they just haven’t found it yet. (disclaimer: I get that there are exceptions to this rule, so if you are super mature and you are 22 years old, don’t bother with your pissed off message. You are the exception, not the rule.) So, given that I am 37, one would think that I have probably passed the years where I have to deal with at least that particular kind of crap, right? HAHA! That’s what YOU think!

The other day I was pondering some of the men I have gone out with in the past, trying to figure out some patterns to see if I could maybe avoid some future train wrecks, and I discovered a BRAND NEW RULE!!!

The deal with maturity increasing when people reach their 30s? So far, that is spot on. Except for the completely hilarious wack jobs we all enjoy sharing stories about. Those folks will never mature. (I think insanity is the true fountain of youth…)

So what is this BRAND NEW RULE, you ask?

There is an expiration date on this maturity. Keep in mind, I am basing an entire rule on 2 people, but rules start somewhere, right? Besides, I said it was a new rule, I didn’t say it was a rational one.

I have dated 2 men who are 51 years old. That’s right, not 50, not 52…51 years old. I think that something happens to men when they are still single (or single again…) at that magical age. They become emotionally 14 years old. Between those two men, I have experienced:

-Two-day-rage-filled-drinking-bender

-Notes hidden in public phone booths (hehe-we all know who THIS is, huh??)

-Tantrum in a public place, complete with stomping out of said place

-Passive aggressive Facebook posts saying emo things like “I learned my lesson”, “I have no one who cares” and my favorite: “Guess I know I should never trust again”.

-An entire group of people being fed lies to the point I was threatened to have my ass kicked (did I mention I am THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!)

-Stalker texts numbering in the double digits in one day

-Proclamations of love and undying devotion WELL before it was appropriate or welcome. Or sane. (after one date, and after about 2 weeks)

And the list goes on. Seriously, folks, I think I may be onto something here. And this might be 51 year old women too, but I can’t know that. All I know is that no matter how much longer I am single, I will NEVER date a 51 year old man again.

No Need to Stoop to Their Level

12 Dec

I do think that sometimes people send the things they do to see what reactions they will get.   Don’t get me wrong, I think some are legit requests as well..  but, I like to be optimistic and hope the population really isn’t as stupid as online dating makes them appear.

That being said – Ladies..  You don’t need to stoop to the level of the morons.   That’s like feeding the animal – it will come back for more.  Ignoring someone, at least in my experiences, will always piss someone off more than responding.  (Online Dating or not..)

Take the following reported interaction, for instance:

“Can I please see a picture of your vagina?”

(Right.. because your manners are definitely going to give that request the edge it deserves..)

“hope your dick gets caught in a meat grinder.”

…Really?  REALLY?!   Was that appropriate or necessary?   But-  as I said, it just adds fuel to the fire, because the next day:

“Just wondering If you have changed your mind since yesterday?”

Interesting how the person who instigated the whole thing doesn’t seem as moronic anymore…  She reported him, and I’m not going to vote to delete him, because she was far more crude than he was… and no shit he wrote again,  he got a response the first time.

Can we all just try and keep it classy please?

 

My Hot Date with a Doctor

11 Dec

Best to familiarize yourself with this gem before reading further.

Despite every part of my soul wanting to reschedule this appointment with a different doctor – I decided to keep it, because I had a suspicion this could make for a good story.

Now, before I get any further – in case any of my male readers don’t fully understand what happens at the gynecologist, and why I was now even more mortified to go..  Allow me to explain.   Every year, us girls go in for our annual “physical”   which consists of talking to our doctor, donning a paper robe and putting our feet up in stirrups so the doctor can take a good look at the plumbing.   And by “a good look”  I mean so much as to put a metal clamp up there,  open it up, scrap the insides with a long toothpick and also take a feel around.  While you might think this could be a pleasant experience – I assure you, it’s not.  We also have to whip the girls out and doc feels around to make sure there are no questionable lumps, etc.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to say at this appointment..  but,  luckily I am quick on my feet.

“So, CatLady,  are you sexually active?”  (This is a normal question..)

“Well, I’m no porn star.”

That comment caught him off guard, and he asked what I meant.

“Oh, sorry..  Just a joke.  I’m trying the whole ‘online dating’ thing and a guy sent me a message about a week ago asking me if I was a porn star.”  And then I raised my eyebrow, with a smile, of course.

His face immediately turned a color red that I have never seen before.

“Oh.. well.. That’s…… awkward.”

“Yeah, it was.  I think he’s a doctor, too… But, no.. no new sexual partners to report..  I’m not a porn star.”

“Okay.   I will leave the room while you undress.  Hop up on the table when you are ready and I will be back momentarily.”

I undressed,  put on my paper gown and sat on the table.  Per the usual,  there was some waiting around, and I started planning my next move to make Dr. Dumbass as uncomfortable as possible.   There was a knock at the door, and a female doctor came it.

“Hi, CatLady.   Dr. Dumbass had a phone call he needed to take, and asked me to take care of your examination today.”

Hahaha!!  Of course he did..  The new doctor was very nice, and she even told me that Dr. Dumbass mentioned that I was trying online dating.  Fighting back laughter, she told me that she’s glad I haven’t reached porn star status.  I have a feeling she isn’t going to let him live this down anytime soon.

Oh well, I was going to tell him that it was high time we see other people anyway.

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