Online dating – Why I'll soon be a crazy cat lady

Anything to prompt a response..

“Hello, I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. You are easily a 9/10, and here on OkCupid we only allow a 6/10 maximum. Your account has been closed unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once..(just curious)..and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly, or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the Lord of Seas. Thanks”

If you get this message, DON”T FALL FOR IT!!  OKCupid would never close your account for being so foxy.

Online dating is hard, and for several reasons.   I think one of the big reasons is when you are interacting with someone through only written word, you don’t get to see body language, or hear the person’s intonation.   Maybe you think they are serious when they are being sarcastic..  (This is why I will always say yes to podcast interviews, and Velvet and I have our own podcast that we do every-so-often.   Those of you who have heard me know that I am fun and games and smiles, whereas someone who has not heard me might think I am harsh.)

Today the messages would not stop rolling in.. (it’s either feast or famine in the online dating world..) I was feeling feisty today, and in an effort to entertain you on my blog, I was responding to people I normally wouldn’t:

“I like your profile.  Dinner and a movie at your house sounds great! “

“Sure.. come on over, stranger.”

“Haha, funny.  It would be kind of nice though.  Just saying.”

Okay – before I go further..  what kind of response could he possibly have wanted to his inviting himself over?

“So come over then.”

“I’m even considering doing the dishes for you after.  I noticed you hate doing that haha.”

“So nice of you.”

“You’re not down!  You’re just saying that!  My name is [Name] btw.”

“What are you talking about?  I make dinner for strangers at my house all of the time.”

“Do you really?  So this, wouldn’t be awkward at all right? Come on now.. But I also asked for a movie too.”

“Depends on the movie..”

“On what?”

“If I will grant a movie.”

“Fair enough.  Would be nice to cuddle/snuggle after a good dinner while watching a movie.  Just throwing that out there.”

“Well you just keep throwing stuff in there, don’t you?”

“That’s what she said.”

Okay – now, I LOVE a good “That’s what she said!”  But that was a very poor one. I even verified with a friend of mine to be sure I wasn’t missing something.   Lame attempt.

“She did?”

“You’re a goof.  I like your sarcasm and sense of humor.”

“Oh boy.”   (Although I am a goof..)

“So, do you have a name?  Or do I have to wait until you’re yelling mine out after dinner?”

“That’s a little bold, don’t you think?”

“Well, you were playing along.  I was only seeing how far I could take it.  My apologies.”

Now – this is where I questioned if he was certain I was playing along..  because, yes, I was clearly responding to him –  but had this have happened in person, he would have noticed the eyerolls and the severe sarcasm I was oozing.   Really, he took it too far at the first message.

Let’s say I continued on this conversation and met up with him.  Now, I’m a fun person and all – but he could very easily tell me that I am nothing like I seemed online.   When you’re reading, you can take the words in whichever way suits your fancy.  (This is why I believe that text messages should never be anything but light-hearted.. but that’s another rant in itself.)

So – think about that before you take your “online flirtation” too far..  Get off the computer and get a drink or something to see if there’s chemistry so you don’t waste your time…

I’m going to invite this guy over… wait, no I’m not.

I spent Friday night rolling my eyes at a 22 year old kid messaging me on POF.  I was hanging out with a girlfriend, and we were having a good laugh over this kid.

I also wish I could tell you his username.. but I tend to like to protect the guilty.  But believe me when I say, it was funny.

“Boo!”

“Ahhhhhhhhh!”

“What’s up”

“Well, apparently I just shit myself.”   (I really expected this statement to scare him away.)

“Haha funny!  Any planstonight”

“Nope.”

“We should get some booze and have a chill night“

“Sounds good.. come on over.”

“My car broke down buying a new one tomorrow I’ll give you gas money”

He then proceeded to give me his home address, and although I cannot confirm this for sure – based on the area he lives in, he lives with Mom and Dad.   (You can’t live in a ritzy area and not have a spare car..)   Because I was insanely curious as to how far this would go, I gave him my phone number and told him to call me.  (Google Voice, for the win.)

He called, and I assume he was either stoned or drunk.  He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was in the car with my friend and we were headed to pick him up.   Somewhere, in the 5 minutes after suggesting I do as such, he made plans to go downtown with a friend.   We hung up the phone and he then immediately started texting me:

“send me pics”

“No.”

“Y”   (I am not sure if this was to ask Why, or his way of saying Yes… I didn’t respond.)

“I wanna come but you have a friend over?”

“What do you think is going to happen if you come over?”

“Hang out have a few drinks”

“3some lol”

Aside from our interaction being quite humorous,  I did then tell him that I am far too old for him.  (I’m 28.)   He told me that age is just a number, and while I think that is a fair statement – it’s really a matter of having your shit together.

Those of you that read this who have your shit together will understand this sentiment..  the rest of you will understand someday.

Believe it or not, online dating has just gotten suckier.   While I am pleased to pieces that a reader shared the following with me, I am also absolutely disgusted about it.

Guys – Did you know that there is a website out there that you can pay them money to send out your online dating form letter for you?  And that they will do it in bulk?   Worse yet, do you know this company is called “Spam Her Clam”?

This website (which I am NOT going to link to, because I do not for even half a second endorse this..)  argues that basically, the only way to get a response to an online dating message you send out is if she is having  a good hair day and her temperature is at a very specific number the millisecond she opens your message and sees your beaming face.  (Well.. okay they say “on a number of random factors that don’t make sense to even her”.. or something like that.)

They say that online dating is a numbers game.   I’ve heard that before.   So, “if you want some clam, you have to spam.”    I really hope this pisses you off as much as it does me.   If you are looking for a relationship – Do NOT use this service.  If you are not looking for a relationship, and merely looking to get some “clam”  (super offensive, by the way..)   there is a great website called AdultFriendFinder.     Most girls on OKCupid, or Match, or EHarmony are NOT looking for a one-night stand or friends with benefits.

I assure you, any girl that finds out you paid Spam Her Clam to message her for you, will be pissed when she finds out.   Make an effort that’s not monetary, that won’t make her self worth fly out the window.   And, now, be extra careful of form letters.

I guess I’m not surprised something like this exists, but I’m certainly saddened.