For the record, I just want to say that this might be a little harsh, and definitely a stereotype – but people who search for sex on Craiglist are ultimate creeps and are disgusting.  Don’t do it.   Not to mention, stable and normal females don’t tend to pursue Craigslist for such things.. really, if we want sex, we can find it without the internet.

But, alas.. here is an entertaining post..

“I have a few unfulfilled romantic experiences / fetishes that I’d like to check off this summer so I can get back to being a normal upstanding gent.  (Ha.. that’s a laugh..)   Here’s a list. This is completely for real.

1. Gamestop girl — All female Gamestop employees welcome. If you’re reading this and you happen to know one, please forward it on to her. 

2. Relatives — optimally, two sisters. But this whole relatives thing seems like a logistical nightmare, so I’m willing to settle for cousins, aunt niece, step-sisters, whatever, one male relative max.  
(Eww.. just eww..)
3. Three girls – at the same time, or more

4. A celebrity — D-list or higher, public officials welcome

5. A genius — have proof ready, field immaterial  (I’d like to see proof of his being disease free..)

6. Someone to hire me a gigolo — but in the classy way, like I’m wearing a tux and going to the Four Seasons first

7. Sex on the 50 yard line — I’m thinking Rose Bowl or Coliseum but I won’t rule out a HS.  (Let’s face it buddy… if this happens, it will be at a high school..)

8. A midget — I’m not super sure on this one, you would need to be exceptionally hot UPDATE: okay it appears the contemporary term is dwarf and the cutoff is 4’10″ which means I unwittingly checked this off some time ago.

9. A Frenchwoman — preferably born in France and a native French speaker. Plusses: smoking, horizontally striped shirts, ennui, underarm hair. Minuses: probably underarm hair again, North African ancestry

10. A Brazillian — not super picky here. Plus if you’re good at volleyball.

11. A lesbian couple — I have a couple gold stars in my back pocket, but I’ve never been with a lesbian couple in a committed relationship. 

12. Someone with pronounced tanlines — the tanner the tan parts and the whiter the white parts the better, must be Michelle Rodriguez 
complected or lighter naturally.

13. A deaf chick — not sure if this makes me a really good person or a really bad person, can probably sort that out later. I had a really pretty deaf girl in a class once, and then it dawned on me, I can fuck pretty deaf girls. I’m also open to really hot blind girls . . . but I wonder how many of them read craigslist personal . . . and can drive out to [city] — anyway, if you’ve got a hot blind friend that you want to get laid, please refer her.  (Why would this make him a “really good person”?   Does he really think deaf people don’t ever have sex with hearing people?)

14. Someone who can defeat me at bar trivia — I don’t think there is a human female alive that can do this. But if you’re a really smart but not so conventionally attractive chick that wants to fuck a really hot guy — this could be your in.  (Oh… so he’s one of those guys who think women have smaller brains than men, too…  Bonus.)

15. A murderess — Classic murderess to the front to the line, followed by female soldiers who’ve killed with small arms, then vehicular manslaughtereresseses. Just to be clear, you still need to be hot. Jailhouse facial tattoos are disqualifiers. 

16. A furry — one of my earliest sexual memories is Babs Bunny. I don’t really know anything about the furry scene, so you would have to honcho this one. If you are one of the myriad gay dudes that will inevitably ignore the m4w m4ww classification, this is probably your best bet — dressing up like a lady furry and hoping I don’t notice.  

Now I know what you’re thinking “that list was too funny and delightful to be serious.” Nope, I’m totally serious.  (Oh Buddy, none of us thought for one second that you were kidding..)

ABOUT ME: 
I’m 6’4″, tan, and handsome. I have green eyes and sandy blond hair. Very fit body, rugged good looks with lots of confidence and perfect health. I’m not this immodest in person, but I will be here for brevity: I’ve been around the world, founded a successful little electronics company, served in the military, done philanthropic work, written books, earned advanced degrees, coached high level women’s volleyball and had many misadventures not suitable for publication.  (Bullshit.. all of it.)  Confession time: some of those books were comic books. Maybe, Craigslist isn’t the right place for somebody like me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that a smattering of awesome people pass through here. 

I have a righteous place of my own right on the sand in [city] with a hot tub. The balcony is directly over the crashing waves. Yes, I am peculiarly handsome and stable to be on CL but I assure you this is not to good to be true  (Oh, yes it is.) – if you can help me with one of the 17, please email and we’ll meet somewhere public and get a bottle of wine and then adjourn to my place on the beach. 
Thank you.”

*

I would bet that this guy is not that attractive.  I think men think much higher of themselves than women do, or so I have witnessed in the past.  I actually wish more girls had a guy’s confidence level in their attractiveness.  While it’s not a bad quality to have,  I think most confident guys tend to oversell themselves.  (I know this is a parody, but http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo.. You can thank @CatLadysIntern for this one!)

But, for sake of argument,  let’s believe this guy when he basically says he is God’s gift to women.   That apparently makes it okay to have a fetish list?  And how nice is he to perhaps give an ugly girl a chance if she can beat him at trivia?   …I would bet anything that he is a walking STD.

See – only tools use Craiglist for sex.

I had #31 and his roommate over the other day for some grilling and a bonfire.  When I asked him if he was going to be bringing the meat, he replied with “a big slab, naturally.”   Overall, good times were had.

But – while grilling, #31 said to me, “This is kind of awkward, and I never know how to bring this stuff up..”  I raised my eyebrow, and he continued, “You’ve lost some weight.”  Indeed, I have been shedding a few pounds by watching what I eat, and working out.. so I responded a “Heck yeah!” and we high-fived.. and I then proceed to ask why that was awkward to bring up.

Both #31 and his roommate said that girls get offended when they have mentioned weight loss before.   I understood what they meant right away by playfully saying “OMG, are you trying to say I used to be FAT?!”  .. because I KNOW that’s what girls say.

Ladies –  What is wrong with you (us)?  If a guy has noticed you have lost weight, say THANK YOU..  It’s a compliment.  I am going to speak on behalf of the guys (and Guys: If I am wrong, feel free to comment..)  and tell you that this means you look good, and your hard work is paying off (if you are attempting to lose weight).  It does not mean “Wow, I used to think you looked like a cow.”

I understand that if you haven’t been trying to lose weight, or haven’t lost weight, and someone tells you this that it kind of throws you for a loop.  Can we not read into it, though, and give people the benefit of the doubt?   People are going to stop complimenting if they get attacked when they do so..  so take a deep breath, eat some chocolate and drink some wine.

Oooh… chocolate and wine…  Gotta go!

“Hello, I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. You are easily a 9/10, and here on OkCupid we only allow a 6/10 maximum. Your account has been closed unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many cheetos you can fit in your mouth at once..(just curious)..and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly, or you might anger my boss Poseidon, the Lord of Seas. Thanks”

If you get this message, DON”T FALL FOR IT!!  OKCupid would never close your account for being so foxy.

Behold, perhaps the most beautiful poem ever:

“Relax I’m like a breath of fresh air nothing like a bad episode on Catfish I swear

I don’t wanna get in your pants or waste ya time not here to use play hurt you

I’m kinda shy scared to fly but I wanted to stop by to try and say more hi no lie

Lion king broke my heart Chivalry isn’t dead I be Batman you be Robin maybe

We can eat some hay make things out of clay lay by the bay like what do you say“

Firstly, gentlemen..  there is a time when it is okay to dance with a girl (a.k.a. go up behind her and start grinding) without asking and a time when it is not:  It IS okay if you have made eye contact with this girl more than once, and there was a smiling interaction.   It MIGHT be okay if your friend is dancing with this girl, and she knows you are friends with him.  It is NOT okay in any other scenario.

Secondly, ladies..  And I know this is difficult..  If a guy (ESPECIALLY a painfully nerdy guy) politely asks you to dance, after seemingly creeping your group of girls for awhile,  don’t turn him down.  You don’t have to go home with him.  [Some] Guys struggle so much with working up the courage to do this,  and rejection stings.  (Just think about when you text a guy and get ignored..)  Someday, some girl is going to think he is gorgeous, and because you wouldn’t dance for 3 minutes, he may not ask her to dance.  JUST DO IT.  If he’s asking in the first place, he is going to be respectful.

Thirdly, douchebags who don’t follow my steps on item one.. If you start grinding behind a girl who you cannot see, your friends give you the thumbs up, proceed to laugh and take videos of you with said girl, and then leave you alone to dance with her the entire night — you need new friends.   If then this girl/woman’s daughters (who are of legal drinking age at minimum) are wigged out and try to get you to go away, and you don’t – you’re a creeposaur.  Additionally –  No one wants to see you groping anyone’s boobs, nevermind the 55+ year old woman you are dancing with.

Lastly,  being sober at a dance club kind of sucks, because you notice all this shit.

You go on your OKCupid date, and you either have a nice time or you don’t.  When you get home…  for some stupid reason (and I will tell you the female reason..)  you log onto OKCupid.

Girls log on to OKCupid because they either don’t see relationship potential, OR to see if the guy has logged on to OKCupid, because we read into shit like that.   (If a male would like to enlighten- by all means..)   If the guy is “Online Now!”  or has been since the date –  we will automatically assume he is not interested.

Let’s set some ground rules.

1)  After a successful OKCupid date,  you should NOT log back on to OKCupid unless you absolutely have no other way to contact the person.  (And if you don’t have another way to contact the person… Why don’t you have another way to contact the person!?)

2)  If your OKCupid date was not successful,  can we just tell the other person?  Part B to that is if someone tells you that they aren’t interested:  RESPECT THAT.

But — that’s wishful thinking, eh?

So, my friends —  what do you do after a successful OKC date?  Why do you log on?  What do you do if you see the other person is logged on?  Leave me a note so I can get this figured out!!

Sadly this is not an online dating blog post.. but –  it still made me laugh, and for those of you who are just not sure how the male mind works yet.. maybe this will help.

I was checking out Facebook this morning when I saw a very long update from Velvet.  (You know,  BFF who was online dating with me until she got herself a boyfriend.)    Her status update, in a nutshell, said that she needed to sleep, but was distracted by thinking about this, this, that, this, that, this, this, etc.  (It’s a female curse, I tell you!)

The following is the comments on said Facebook status:

MR. Velvet:   I told you meth was a bad idea.   (This was a joke, just so those of you who don’t personally know her take it the wrong way.)

Velvet:  Meth??? I thought I was supposed to avoid MATH!? Stupid high school guidance counselors and their tricky wordplay…   (She’s a geek.. but this shouldn’t be anything new.)

MR. Velvet:  Math=good. Meth=no teeth.

MR. Velvet:  …so also good.

This interaction just made me laugh and I felt it was worthy to share with you.  Hope you all are having a swell week!

The blog post is for my gal readers.   Obviously,  a lot of the men online dating appear to be major pigs.   You can indicate on your profile that you are not looking for a bed buddy,  but he sees if he can get you to go for it anyway.

Exhibit A:

“Any interstet in meeting a secret naughty friend?”

Gentlemen.. if you are going to stoop to this low of a level, at least work on being intelligent.

“What does interstet mean?”

“Would you like to meet me for some secret naughty fun?? I give great back massages and love to please. I work near [Street Name] and [Street Name]. : ) Joe“

“Does that really sound like a safe idea to you?”

“Not safe but definitely fun. ; ) if you don’t feel safe we can meet first in a more public area to see if we’re into each other??”

Suuuuuuure, photoless male.. that just sounds like a FANTASTIC idea.

“That doesn’t prove either one of us doesn’t have herpes.​”

“Yikes! You have herpes??? Thanks for being honest. Never mind”

If the mere mention of “the herp” doesn’t scare him away,  nothing will.

Haha!

Today the messages would not stop rolling in.. (it’s either feast or famine in the online dating world..) I was feeling feisty today, and in an effort to entertain you on my blog, I was responding to people I normally wouldn’t:

“I like your profile.  Dinner and a movie at your house sounds great! “

“Sure.. come on over, stranger.”

“Haha, funny.  It would be kind of nice though.  Just saying.”

Okay – before I go further..  what kind of response could he possibly have wanted to his inviting himself over?

“So come over then.”

“I’m even considering doing the dishes for you after.  I noticed you hate doing that haha.”

“So nice of you.”

“You’re not down!  You’re just saying that!  My name is [Name] btw.”

“What are you talking about?  I make dinner for strangers at my house all of the time.”

“Do you really?  So this, wouldn’t be awkward at all right? Come on now.. But I also asked for a movie too.”

“Depends on the movie..”

“On what?”

“If I will grant a movie.”

“Fair enough.  Would be nice to cuddle/snuggle after a good dinner while watching a movie.  Just throwing that out there.”

“Well you just keep throwing stuff in there, don’t you?”

“That’s what she said.”

Okay – now, I LOVE a good “That’s what she said!”  But that was a very poor one. I even verified with a friend of mine to be sure I wasn’t missing something.   Lame attempt.

“She did?”

“You’re a goof.  I like your sarcasm and sense of humor.”

“Oh boy.”   (Although I am a goof..)

“So, do you have a name?  Or do I have to wait until you’re yelling mine out after dinner?”

“That’s a little bold, don’t you think?”

“Well, you were playing along.  I was only seeing how far I could take it.  My apologies.”

Now – this is where I questioned if he was certain I was playing along..  because, yes, I was clearly responding to him –  but had this have happened in person, he would have noticed the eyerolls and the severe sarcasm I was oozing.   Really, he took it too far at the first message.

Let’s say I continued on this conversation and met up with him.  Now, I’m a fun person and all – but he could very easily tell me that I am nothing like I seemed online.   When you’re reading, you can take the words in whichever way suits your fancy.  (This is why I believe that text messages should never be anything but light-hearted.. but that’s another rant in itself.)

So – think about that before you take your “online flirtation” too far..  Get off the computer and get a drink or something to see if there’s chemistry so you don’t waste your time…

I’m going to invite this guy over… wait, no I’m not.

I also wish I could tell you his username.. but I tend to like to protect the guilty.  But believe me when I say, it was funny.

“Boo!”

“Ahhhhhhhhh!”

“What’s up”

“Well, apparently I just shit myself.”   (I really expected this statement to scare him away.)

“Haha funny!  Any planstonight”

“Nope.”

“We should get some booze and have a chill night“

“Sounds good.. come on over.”

“My car broke down buying a new one tomorrow I’ll give you gas money”

He then proceeded to give me his home address, and although I cannot confirm this for sure – based on the area he lives in, he lives with Mom and Dad.   (You can’t live in a ritzy area and not have a spare car..)   Because I was insanely curious as to how far this would go, I gave him my phone number and told him to call me.  (Google Voice, for the win.)

He called, and I assume he was either stoned or drunk.  He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was in the car with my friend and we were headed to pick him up.   Somewhere, in the 5 minutes after suggesting I do as such, he made plans to go downtown with a friend.   We hung up the phone and he then immediately started texting me:

“send me pics”

“No.”

“Y”   (I am not sure if this was to ask Why, or his way of saying Yes… I didn’t respond.)

“I wanna come but you have a friend over?”

“What do you think is going to happen if you come over?”

“Hang out have a few drinks”

“3some lol”

Aside from our interaction being quite humorous,  I did then tell him that I am far too old for him.  (I’m 28.)   He told me that age is just a number, and while I think that is a fair statement – it’s really a matter of having your shit together.

Those of you that read this who have your shit together will understand this sentiment..  the rest of you will understand someday.