It Gets Worse?!!?!?

2 Mar

Believe it or not, online dating has just gotten suckier.   While I am pleased to pieces that a reader shared the following with me, I am also absolutely disgusted about it.

Guys – Did you know that there is a website out there that you can pay them money to send out your online dating form letter for you?  And that they will do it in bulk?   Worse yet, do you know this company is called “Spam Her Clam”?

This website (which I am NOT going to link to, because I do not for even half a second endorse this..)  argues that basically, the only way to get a response to an online dating message you send out is if she is having  a good hair day and her temperature is at a very specific number the millisecond she opens your message and sees your beaming face.  (Well.. okay they say “on a number of random factors that don’t make sense to even her”.. or something like that.)

They say that online dating is a numbers game.   I’ve heard that before.   So, “if you want some clam, you have to spam.”    I really hope this pisses you off as much as it does me.   If you are looking for a relationship – Do NOT use this service.  If you are not looking for a relationship, and merely looking to get some “clam”  (super offensive, by the way..)   there is a great website called AdultFriendFinder.     Most girls on OKCupid, or Match, or EHarmony are NOT looking for a one-night stand or friends with benefits.

I assure you, any girl that finds out you paid Spam Her Clam to message her for you, will be pissed when she finds out.   Make an effort that’s not monetary, that won’t make her self worth fly out the window.   And, now, be extra careful of form letters.

I guess I’m not surprised something like this exists, but I’m certainly saddened.

22 Responses to “It Gets Worse?!!?!?”

  1. datinginvegas March 2, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    They have this for text messages too. You’re right, it’s disgusting!


  2. Alexandrea Lee March 2, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

    This is a new low. . . is it just me, or does it feel like a chunk of the male population is getting more and more pathetic by the hour? -.-

    My fiance read this over my shoulder, and he is just as disgusted! He can’t believe someone would actually set up that kind of site, and under that name!

    I’m all for sexual freedoms, but when are these people going to learn that this is so wrong??? Sigh.


  3. suburbangirl4love March 3, 2013 at 12:05 am #

    Agreed with the two comments above. Disgusting.

    Love reading your posts. Find them very informative and interesting. I just nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award. You can take a look here:


  4. Jenny Q. March 3, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

    Lol! Come on guys, I think it’s kind of hysterical….I don’t see what’s the big deal. Seems facetious to me, and guys do the copy and paste thing anyways. Don’t get your panties in a wad.


  5. Cora Blue March 5, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    They’re just trying to get attention, like free advertising. Like a shock jock on the radio. Ain’t nothing disgusting about it. It’s just stupid. Because it’s just more of the same, dumb oneline messages. It’ll just result in more of those messages we never answer anyway “Hey babe, loved ur profile. Want to get 2gether for some sexy times?” And if like me you never answer those cut and paste jobs anyway, what difference does it make how they send them or how many? Delete delete delete. And I think the name is funny. Some college kids idea of how to get chicks.


  6. Josh Flaum March 12, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    Not sure about the etiquette here, but I think your blog is great, and it’s possible this might be right up your alley:


  7. H March 19, 2013 at 8:24 pm #

    In all frankness, having been frustrated by online dating for so long, this seems perfectly reasonable to me. I am only interested in a long term relationship, not in casual sex, and I wanted to use online dating so that I could find something out about the people I was speaking to, unlike in person where all you have to go by is looks. I always read the profiles carefully and send out messages that are genuine and tailored to the person I’m talking to, and I get about a 15% reply rate. If someone’s really talking to me, I am quite happy to talk back, but why am I putting all this effort into something that’s going out into the aether possibly to never be read? Women on these sites are overwhelmed by an avalanche of messages, so I can understand why you might not be thrilled at the notion of them being automated, but try to see things from the other side. The worst part is that when I’ve gotten into conversations with people, they generally haven’t worked out because I’ve written too much. Apparently if you write more than a few sentences, nobody wants to hear it. Honesty is not valued, only superficial flashiness. In that totally impersonal, soulless context, this service makes perfect sense, and I just might sign up for it. Granted the name is offensive, but it really doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything different than “spamming” when I have to send six messages out before I get an answer.


    • Soon2BeCatLady March 20, 2013 at 12:03 am #

      As a female, I also have a 15% return rate. Why should guys get an advantage? Love isn’t easy.


      • H March 20, 2013 at 2:26 am #

        Yes, you may have a low response rate, but there are also people contacting you. Guys receive messages on those sites only very, very rarely. I’ve gotten two in two weeks – way higher than the statistical average, which according to a study I read is probably about one every two months. Also, statistically, the response rate to women’s messages to men is more than 50% higher, at least according to the OKC data from 2009, but that’s nothing compared to the fact that dozens of people are actually trying to contact you in the first place, without any effort on your part. I understand it can be annoying that most of those people are undesirable, but it’s silly to imagine that this isn’t a huge advantage that women have.


  8. Theodore April 2, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    While it COULD arguably be employed to the end of finding a soulmate, I perceive Spam Her Clam as only useful for initiating primarily sexual relationships among shallow people. Women are the gatekeepers of sex in our society. Most of the people (women) who will be offended by Spam Her Clam should ponder whether their understanding of the sexual economy is not principally supply-side. As for me, I expect sites like this will only exacerbate the existing unhealthy dynamic — one women are in control of. So when I read things like “I’m all for sexual freedoms, but when are these people going to learn that this is so wrong???”, what comes to mind is some third-generation millionaire businessman politician telling in-debt citizens how much he is for financial freedom.


    • Alexandrea Lee April 15, 2013 at 1:48 am #

      I am for sexual freedoms. But I’m NOT for a website that sends a bulk amount of “please fuck me” messages. I mean seriously. And if you think sexual dynamics in this culture are out of whack because WOMEN hold all the power, you need to get educated on the real issues… Tell me again how many words there are for a woman who “sleeps around”, and how many there are for men who do? Now tell me which female terms for this exude the idea of a “position of power”. Oh right, none of them.

      Women are “gatekeepers”? You mean we have the right to say yes or no? How insensitive and power-hungry of us!

      I think you need to take into account that many of these messages are degrading, pathetic, and can also be down-right gross. You at like these messages are a natural response to the issue in society of sexual freedom and demand, but you accuse me and others of not knowing the opposite side of the spectrum when you have a deluded view of the opposite from yourself.


      • H April 15, 2013 at 5:06 am #

        Without the slightest hint of irony you are repeating the standard criticisms of men who seek out sex – “degrading, pathetic, and downright gross.” Please do explain to me how this is any different from calling a woman a slut? The mechanism by which sexuality is criticized differs between the genders – women are criticized as having low self-respect, while men are criticized as being aggressive or inconsiderate to others – but both sexes receive very strong negative feedback for seeking sex.

        Actually, the origin of the one difference – that the woman is assumed to have HAD a lot of sex, while the man is only trying – reflects the obvious fact that it’s much easier for women to have sex. Women typically retort by saying that they don’t want to have meaningless sex, which is fine, neither do I, but more than that, it’s easier for women to initiate relationships, if only they would try. But they don’t, because it’s so easy that they really don’t have to do anything at all. Men will come to them, and they can sit back and pick the ones they want, while complaining about the inadequacy of the rest.

        As for the right to say yes or no, everybody has that legally, but in practice, it’s not really something men get to exercise. Sure, if you realize a woman is definitely not for you you can get up and leave, but it’s an all-or-nothing proposition. We don’t get to sit back on a date and size up the other party – women seem to imagine we’re doing that, because that’s what they’re doing. In reality, men have to pursue women, because if neither party is trying to make something happen it’s not going to, and if a man sits there and acts wishy-washy and skeptical of a woman he feels ambivalent about, things can go cold pretty fast. Basically it’s not until well into a relationship that men can participate as equals. Before that, dating is a process whereby men supplicate, while trying to act like the opposite of what they are: in control.


      • Alexandrea Lee April 15, 2013 at 5:20 am #

        First of all, I am not saying men who seek sex are pathetic.

        I said the men who pay others to send automated messages to get easy sex on dating sites to random people they don’t know are. But good job taking things out of context.

        Men don’t get the practice of saying yes or no? All women do is sit back and complain about what men they do or don’t want? If a woman doesn’t pursue you, it just means that you HAVE to because if not it’ll never happen?

        And to be honest with you, without any irony, you sound like you have a case of the “I’m always friendzoned, why me, I’m the nice guy!” (Which, we all know, the friendzone is a big, passive-aggressive lie.)

        Which is pretty hilarious in itself, really.


      • Soon2BeCatLady April 15, 2013 at 3:11 pm #

        Ahhh… Pineapple.. PINEAPPLE!


      • H April 15, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

        @Alexandra: I don’t know about this friendzone, or what you’re talking about in the third paragraph, but the answer to all your questions in the second paragraph is yes. Women almost never pursue men. It’s difficult for me to believe that you’ve never noticed that.

        In your first post you wrote “I think you need to take into account that many of these messages are degrading, pathetic, and can also be down-right gross.” That doesn’t sound like you’re talking about the automated ones. It sounds like you’re heaping shame on men who are looking for sex.

        More substantively, on what imaginary dating website do men have the opportunity to send messages to specific women that we know? I want to sign up for that. Dating sites give you a very small slice of information and even if you try to judge a person before sending your message you are going to end up judging based on very superficial criteria. For me, I look for vegetarians, preferably with a college education, and that’s pretty much it. Beyond that, I have to meet them. Even so, I try to write detailed, conversant messages. But what am I really doing? Spamming. Also wasting a lot of time reading about what everybody’s favorite 23 movies are. These sites are nothing but a mechanism for generating blind dates, and as a man, you have to try a lot to make it happen, which means sending a lot of random messages to random women. I REALLY wish that it were not this way, but that’s how it is.


      • Alexandrea Lee April 16, 2013 at 1:20 am #

        I was definitely referring to the Spam Her Clam messages, as I have said several times now.

        Bottom line is, if those people are only seeking sex, they should get OFF of dating sites where people are seeking relationships, and not send these rude messages. Period. My point in mentioning that these are women that you don’t know is that you never know if a message of that nature will be OFFENSIVE to that woman or not. Should be common sense, but I guess not?

        And, maybe the reason women do not pursue you, is because they are not INTERESTED in you. Just an idea. Maybe a little abstract, but still an idea.

        The reason I didn’t know the other answers, such as how men never get to say no to anyone who offers them sex because “who knows when they’ll get another chance!”, it’s probably because…well, it’s not true! I know, yet again, maybe too abstract. You clearly love generalizing all women into one, intimidating category.

        The way you think it is is not true. I hate to break it to you, but there are women who send messages to prospective men too, you just haven’t seen it because you haven’t been on the receiving end. If you stopped looking at women as “Power-craving sex gates”, maybe you’d have better luck!


      • H April 16, 2013 at 4:45 am #

        You’re putting a lot of words in my mouth.

        I’m not referring to personal experience. You do know that, statistically, women on these sites receive, conservatively, something like 17 times as many messages as men, with all but a few men receiving around one message from an interested woman every month, if that.

        I didn’t say men couldn’t say no to anyone who offered them sex because they might not have another chance. And, actually, if they really aren’t interested in that person it’s easy to say no. What men can’t do is sit back and size up a candidate, the way women do routinely. And the reason is not that they might not get another chance, but rather that if they do that, the woman will feel there is no sexual tension and lose interest. Women also typically react very negatively to the slightest hint of rejection. In other words, as I’m sure you’re aware, men are expected to take the lead in dating, and this limits their ability to connect with women on equal terms.

        I don’t assume, as you seemingly do, that sex is what everyone’s after. I don’t see why someone couldn’t send out a lot of messages to women seeking a relationship. Actually, that’s what every man who uses a dating site for that purpose has to do.

        I don’t perceive women as power-craving sex gates, firstly because, as I’ve repeatedly said, I’m not mainly after sex, and secondly because they could have no reason to crave power, being that they already have it all.

        And who are you, by the way, to decide what kinds of relationships people can have, and when and how they can involve sexual activity? You have no business telling everybody who doesn’t do it your way to get out.


  9. Elliott April 7, 2013 at 3:04 am #

    It’s crap like this or the mentality that feeds the belief it’s necessary that ruins online dating. Every message I send is sincere and composed only after reading every word of a woman’s profile. My messages get lost in the noise.


    • Alexandrea Lee April 15, 2013 at 1:54 am #

      I agree with your point. It’s sad that the men who are very honestly interested send a message, and the woman in question has to wade through 20 or so “spam her clam” type messages and by that point she is like, “To hell with it!”


  10. Vicki June 21, 2018 at 5:59 pm #

    I like your blog but have a gentle request. I’m not sure how old you are but using the term girls to refer to women over the age of 20 seems really sexist to me. Otherwise, I like your style. Let’s up the ante and get men and women to start thinking of full-grown women as adults. Thanks!


    • Soon2BeCatLady June 21, 2018 at 8:26 pm #

      Hey Vicky, I appreciate the note. It’s easy to take things the wrong way on the internet without tone of voice being in play- so please don’t think I’m upset or angry in this response, as I’m not. 🙂

      1) This particular article was written over 5 years ago.

      2) I went back and re-read as it’s so old, and while I am sorry you find me using the term “girl” sexist.. I don’t believe it is in the instance I used it. Before mentioning a “girl”, I say “Guys..” addressing the male readers. I feel like we use those as an equal thing, I.e Girl’s Night Out/ Guy’s Night Out.
      Had I have written “Men” or “Gentlemen” and then called the females “girl”- I could totally see that being taken as sexist.
      I use “guys” and “girls” as a casual term for male and female. It seems as though you take the word “girl” as meaning not adult. I’m in my early 30s, and don’t find it offensive calling someone my boyfriend, or being called their girlfriend- I see it no different in this case.
      I suppose I could use the term “gal” – but that’s just something I don’t use in everyday life, and I prefer to be authentic.

      Like I said- I appreciate the note, and your visiting the blog. Hopefully you know it wasn’t my intention to offend. 🙂


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