Corny Dad Jokes

17 Jun

“Hey.  Our profiles don’t match up that well but… Hi my names **** I think they match up enough to kinda see what’s up.”

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A Very Intimate Question

7 Jun

I understand that the protection of the computer screen makes it easier to say terrible things to people, as you don’t get to see their reaction.  But, these guys have their faces, and names attached to this!  No shame, whatsoever.  5 years later and it still floors me.

“Can I ask you a very intimate question?”

“I don’t know.  Can you?”

I believe he meant “May I..”

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I Have An Answer For Everything!

23 May

I don’t really have much commentary for this one.

“Sex?”

“Female.”

“Cum”

“Can not compute.”

(Hehehe!! Beep beep boop,  I am a robot!)

“I want you”

“I am not for sale.”

“Grr”

“Ribbit!”

He gave up after that one.

#DateMe: An OKCupid Experiment

14 May
IMG_2940

Yes, that’s me. I just don’t see where I’m going wrong in my quest for a man.😉

 

What happens when a woman creates an obviously fake OKCupid profile, declaring her love for cats and only cats?

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ALWAYS Use Protection!

7 Apr

Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.

As much as I would like to, I just can’t take Tinder seriously.

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Rejection Letter

31 Mar

If you listen to any of my podcasts, you would be aware that I’ve been on a number of dates recently, and all but one was pretty terrible.  (And the good one ghosted me, for the record.)  However, one date in particular was worse than the rest in ways you could only listen about to understand, as I’m not going to re-live it again.  Check out the podcast(s).

This terrible date, after said date, texted me to ask how I thought the date went, because at very least he could use advice.  I was told that I needed to give an honest evaluation since it was asked for, so I typed up one of the most difficult things for me to write.   A friend read it and suggested I post it, as it really holds some good advice that many could use a refresher on.  So, here it is:

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Life is Short, Bang a Stranger!

26 Mar

Aside from the constant reminder that you’re single, I think one of the problems with dating apps is that it seems to indicate that you are using the app, if you are so much as using your phone for anything else.  Last Friday, to try to soften the blow of not having a date, I went to the casino with my mom and brother.  We are skilled enough gamblers that we ended up being there for a long time before our money ran out.  I got home at 2:00AM on Saturday.   I set the alarm on my phone to not waste away my weekend, and “BEEP!”  New message from 26 year old looking for love:

“Hey looking for a late night fling”

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CatLady – the Evil Hearted Elitist Age Snob

8 Mar

I sometimes get slack for not giving some guys a fair shot.   If you are one of  “those” types, I am going to suggest you not read this one. Not only was this guy too young for my comfort level, (He is 26.  Yes, I’m an age snob, I get it.)  but he also had absolutely ZERO information on his profile.  He had a very unflattering photo, and I think his grammar speaks for itself.

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Cougar Town

26 Feb

You want to know the absolute BEST way for a young woman of only 31 years to start her day?

By getting THIS online dating message:

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I’ve Been Waiting My Whole Life For You! – Part 2

17 Feb

More from the CatLady files of telling every match on Tinder that I’ve been waiting my whole life for them:

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“For me?  And whys that?”

“Because I knew you would turn up eventually.”

“You’re kind of like a psychic!”

*

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“Oh my god me too!”

“You’ve been waiting for yourself?  That’s weird.”

“It’s only weird if you make it.”

“I make everything weird.”

“Just the tip isn’t weird!”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Are you a cuddler”

“Aren’t most women?”

“Do you prefer a well endowed man?”

*

“It’s YOU!  I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!!”

“Get in line hunny ’cause I’m the main act.”

“Oh.”

“You’re first in line though.  Hi, I’m Brian.  Nice to meet you.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!  Where have you been all my life!?”

“Around.  Moderately busy.  I do a lot of laundry.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“This is usually where I bail”

*

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“Oh?”

“What took you so long???”

“Traffic was crazy”

“Okay.  I forgive you.”

*

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