Okay- so on the Twitter, I was sent the link to an opinion-piece video about who pays when you go out on a date. In order for the rest of this post to make sense, you need to watch the video first. It’s 4 and a half minutes. So, go do that and come back: Click.
Okay.. the more and more I think about this, the more angry I get about it… and I’m not even a dude! Now, if you have followed my adventures for awhile, you understand that I have trouble letting people (anyone, really) pay my way… and I understand that’s a bit neurotic on it’s own.. But, this woman is totally degrading guys saying that we do all this stuff to get ready (granted.. we do..) and all the guy does is show up, and they should be paying for our company. Bullshit. I think guys do more than show up.. Sure, they don’t put on makeup.. but don’t girl’s put on makeup, dress nice, and do their hair ANYWAY? “We wash our hair..” I’m sorry, and I have long hair too – washing hair is not a difficult task and needs to be done anyway.
I have never been out with someone who looks like they just rolled out of bed. Ever. Guys put effort into looking nice as well. I think they are taking time away from their dog and friends, too.
I totally understand what she is saying about gender roles. Yes, we are moving to a more equal society – but there are some gender roles still in place. I get that – but that doesn’t mean when a females goes out on a date that she is necessarily “owed” anything. I’m not saying that the girl HAS to pay, but I don’t ALWAYS think it’s the guy’s responsibility either.
This video blog says to me that she thinks she’s better than everyone else.. and you know what – maybe she is. I am friends with a lot of guys, and most guys I know fully expect to pick up the check when they are out on a date.. but I also know that if that girl doesn’t at least offer to pay within the first few dates – she is going to be looked at as a gold-digger. I don’t think there is anything wrong with at least being able to prove that you aren’t just out for a free meal. (Because there are girls who do that.)
I think opinions such as hers are what gives girls a bad name.
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Since Twitter is limited, I will ask the video blogger here, and maybe we can receive the gift of her time with a response:
Do you expect your girlfriends to pay your way when you go out with them- or does that balance out because they spent time washing their hair and putting their face on too? ..What about guy friends? Or does everyone just pay for the “gift” of your time?
I would also hope that anytime you go out to eat with your parents that you pay their way, because your Mom at the very least put forth a lot of effort to give you life.. and I would assume both parents changed your diapers for at least 2 years.
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My question my readers is: Am I way off base for being a little irked by this?
Soon2BeCatLady 
Nope… not off base at all. I didn’t even finish the video.
I will pick up the tab. Always, on the first date. It’s not even an question. I think I learned it somewhere (more than likely from my Mother) and it has been firmly imprinted in my mind.
However…
If I ended up going on a date with someone of this caliber of…whatever – adjectives fail me at the moment – and I *knew* she expected this of me, I’d probably still pay (working on this “too nice” crap) and call her a vapid dolt and leave her ass there.
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i have always secretly loved people who have the brass to throw money n the table and walk out.
kudos on the double whammy usage of both “vapid” and “dolt”, two of my most favorite words.
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Thanks…
Sometimes it’s worth it to make sure it is a “night to remember”, as something like that would surely not be forgotten.
Believe it or not, the first time I ever remember hearing that word was a description of Victoria Beckham. Damn near fell off the chair when I looked it up… now it’s in regular circulation.
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Ahh.. I think you are like me though if you are indeed “too nice.” We both know that our bark is worse than our bite. =)
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“Too nice”, yes. As far as bark being worse than my bite – I will if the first few barks didn’t scare the offender off.
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expecting a guy to pay, right out of the gate, makes as much sense as guys expecting to get to second base just because they pay.
i didn’t watch the vi, but i would bet a dollar that the chick will be crazy irritated and righteously indignant over your interpretation of her position.
i, however, love your viewpoint, and that you are calling her out on it. i agree that this is the type of broad who gives the rest of us a bad name.
lol. great post.
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I TOTALLY agree with you, for many reasons, some different to your own. It does make women look gold diggers and quite frankly rude to expect a guy to pay. Fair enough if you offer and he insists although even then I’d still refuse. We live in a world where women earn a good wage too and there is no reason why we shouldn’t pay our way, he will also think that you will always expect him to foot the bill I believe and thats just wrong. Start as you mean to go on. As an equal.
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Thanks for your post and comments. Although I respect your opinion and believe everyone should do what makes them comfortable and happy, I feel you are way off base. I see nothing wrong with letting the guy pay on the first date. Now, if you’ve read my blog (http://singledatingdiva.com) first dates, in my opinion, should always be coffee or a drink. I would never go to an expensive restaurant on a first date and expect him to pay for me. It’s also an age thing, I expect the men I date, who are in their 30’s and 40’s to be established, so if they can’t/won’t pay for a coffee/drink then it says a lot about them doesn’t it. They are either poor or cheap, both of which don’t interest me. On subsequent dates I’m happy to treat the guy I’m dating, but never on the first date. Never. I want a gentleman, a traditional gentleman who opens doors and pulls out chairs … men are afraid to do that anymore because of women who get offended by it. I am a real woman and a lady, not a spoiled princess who wants everything on a silver platter … treat me like a lady. Just my two cents 😉 OK … maybe that was more like a dollar!
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I am not saying it’s not okay for the guy to pay.. but I would never leave the house without enough money to cover the bill.
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yes, I definitely agree with you there … don’t assume he’s going to pay.
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Agree 110% with what you’ve said. By allowing them to pay first date you look like you’ll expect them to pay for everything in the future which I think is wrong. Personally I find it insulting if a guy insists to pay. This is the 21st century and I can pay my own way thanks.
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Totally agree with Single Dating Diva. Who ever came up with dinner and a movie for a first date did the whole institution a disservice. Coffee, drinks, or a round of pool (if you want to do something a little more active) are way better suited for a first date.
@Soon2BeCatLady I side with you on the prep time guys take to get ready. We don’t just show up. But I do think your admitted trouble with letting people pay is causing you to making more of this than should be. As a guy I would have it no other way but to pay. If a lady offers or not I think no less of her. Any man that would take this woman’s position on who should pay, and try to make it about gold digging, is looking for ways to cover up his own insecurities.
I know times are different and all that but some things need to stay old school and this is one of them.
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Yes, I think her video is stupid. No, I don’t think women should always expect men to pay. That said, I have so little dating experience (four first dates total, one of which led to my current/first boyfriend) that I never had a chance to make rules. I guess technically, on each of those dates, the guy ended up paying, but not because I expected him to do so. In fact, because I’m so independent and feel awkward letting people pay for me, I asked many many girlfriends how to handle the whole “who pays?” thing on my first date with my boyfriend. I was totally lost. Luckily my best friend gave me several different scenarios, and based on how the date ended up going, I was able to follow one of them. Oh, and at the end of our second date, I confessed that to him too.
Sorry for my rambling. I just think the video is insulting, the way she presents it, but I do think it’s okay to let the guy pay.
Honestly, the way I see it is less of a man/woman thing, and more of balancing two factors. Who asked out whom, and is there a significant difference in income levels?
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I think your blogger should stay away from the video. Not only did I listen to her I read her blog. She writes about not paying for first date but picking up check for desert later. Her video has to much attitude where the blog reads nicely.
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Like a good waiter, I try to pick up the tone/vibe and do my best to read whether he intends to pay or will likely want to go dutch. I’m ok with either option. I do, however, hate the dance she describes of having to reach for your wallet or offer to pay after he’s taken the bill and do the “are you sure? I don’t mind paying my half.”
If he reaches for the bill, I let him pay and once it’s settled will give a sincere thank you. But I will also make sure that I reach for the bill during later dates. If there is the slightest pause when the waiter (obviously also unsure) asks if you want separate bills I will step up and say yes, no problem.
As for gender roles, I’m totally up for considering cooking dinner for my man as being on par with him taking me out to dinner – and vis versa. It’s not necessarily balancing who “pays” for dinner but who arranges/provides for dinner. If she is cooking equivalent dinners to the ones he takes her out for, I’d say perfectly reasonable for her to expect him to pay when they go out.
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Given my tirade on your last post on this topic, I’m going to throw in with you on this video. If it’s the first date, the tab’s mine and don’t come near it. But I do this because I feel that it is appreciated and that makes me feel good. *That* is the only reason I get the check. It’s not actually for her, it’s for me; I know she’s a “strong, independent, money-earning” woman and all that. I’m not trying to hold anyone’s hand or help feed anyone. I’m making a gesture and all I ask is that it be appreciated. Coming through the door thinking “he should pay because I’m giving him my time and I put on all this makeup” not only makes this gesture feel unappreciated, it frankly seems slightly whorish. Furthermore, I don’t understand why women put on makeup before a date. I have met extremely few women who actually look better with makeup on than without. If dressing like a clown takes you so long, don’t do it: it’s your face that looks nice, not your facepaint.
Oof. Sorry for all the flame. Like you, that woman in that video got under my skin a bit.
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😉
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