We Don’t Know What We Want

19 Nov

One reason why I think online dating is just so difficult (aside from we are allowed to be extra picky..)  is that we are attempting to choose a partner based on interests.  I am going to be bold and say:  Someone’s interests really won’t make or break a relationship.

I have a friend I met a few years ago, through another friend, actually..  and our interests are aligned almost 100%.    We have the same career, both were in the same after-school activities, and both have the same passion for cheesy Disney movies.   (He even left me a singing voicemail once, with my favorite Disney song.)

If someone had written down all of his interests, snapped a photo and handed it me when I was in high school – I am pretty sure I would have immediately declared my love for him.   To this day, when I talk about him – I tell people that on paper, he is absolutely perfect for me.  (Aside from never ever ever ever ever wanting kids..)

Here’s the thing, though…  He annoys the shit out of me.   Don’t get me wrong,  we’re friends and all.. but I can only handle him in small doses.   He’s on OKCupid, and again, on paper, he is almost exactly what I want… Or what I think I want.  But he is NOT what I want.

My ex-boyfriend, who I loved dearly, and I didn’t really have many similar interests – but our personalities meshed well, and people found us to be a good fit.  My friend has every interest of mine, and his personality drives me crazy.

What I am trying to say is:  Don’t rule someone out because of their interests.. You just don’t know.


3 Responses to “We Don’t Know What We Want”

  1. Tomato Spammer November 19, 2012 at 2:48 am #

    This and a recent post of yours both raise points that I saw pop up in relationship researcher interviews a year or two back. They validated what you are saying here, the match algorithms on dating sites only use superficial, meaningless stuff. I’m on mobile, or I would link the articles.

    Kinda makes you wonder if guys who pick girls on attractive photos are actually the smart ones. There has to be an attraction, no matter what the hobbies are.


  2. ShoegazeAndCats November 19, 2012 at 6:23 am #

    I agree with what you’re saying here. Common interests are nice and all, but I don’t think it’s enough to create a quality relationship, either. I’ve met guys who liked the same interesting and obscure stuff that I like, but I was always surprised to find that there was no spark between us. When I met my boyfriend, I realized we had almost no common interests, but our personalities complement each other very well. It used to bother me that we weren’t into the same stuff, but I’ve learned how insignificant it really is. If you can connect emotionally with someone and appreciate them for the person that they are, what does it really matter if they don’t listen to the same bands or like the same movies?


  3. Belle Vierge November 19, 2012 at 11:05 pm #

    I totally agree that having similar interests will not make or break a relationship. However, I disagree with Tomato Spammer that the algorithms are superficial. I can’t speak for dating sites outside of OKC, but I felt like a lot of the questions focused on aspirations, morality, lifestyle choices, etc. Things that really DO matter in a relationship.

    Like, if a southern guy spoke French, loved Disney, believed in Christianity, and spent his weekends visiting history museums, he would be perfect for me, right? Well, not if he expected me to take his last name if we were married, or wanted to have four kids, or got drunk every night, or never wanted to leave his hometown.

    The other thing I like about OKC is the ability to rank the importance of questions. Yes, I answered superficial questions like the perfect first date, or an ideal Saturday, or favorite foods or whatever… But I also said my match’s answers weren’t important. 🙂 Whereas questions relating to women’s equality, no sex before marriage, and number of children all received very important to mandatory rankings.


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