Because I like to see how people’s minds work – I asked my Twitter followers today to give me a list of pros and cons of going back to one’s ex. The majority of my responses included something along the lines of, “There are no pros to doing such a thing.”
If there are no pros to going back to someone – Why do so many of us do it, or consider doing it? (Although, I would argue there has to be some sort of pro.. I am not claiming to know what it is.)
I think there are several types of “Getting Back Together” reasons. There are reasons that would permit me to give it a try, and there are reasons to make me avoid it like the plague. I have watched numerous people I know attempt the “Let’s try it again” avenue, and I will be the first to say that the success rate is low.
I really liked what my Twitter follower @thebitchdesk had to say on the matter: “#OldLadyAdvice The problems that were there initially don’t go away. You either accept/deal or are unhappy again.” I think this defines it nicely. If you can accept your ex’s faults, I think it’s okay to proceed.
This topic sparked my interest because I saw a “Some E Card” that said: “How did we manage to stay together for 65 years? — Because we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.” It’s a valid point.. at some point, our culture turned into a lazy one – It seems we all want everything without having to work for it. I know of no romantic relationship that is easy.
So – why do we humor the idea? Perhaps because we know that, although rare, it might work out and we want to try and beat the odds? Perhaps because we didn’t realize what we had until it was gone?
If it’s because you are lonely or horny – My advice is steer clear.
Let’s discuss!
**Edit: I also want to add in that I keep hearing “People don’t change.” I disagree. While, there are some truths to us that do not and will not change – I don’t think that people initially meet someone and are lying about who they are. You fell for the person for a reason, right?**
Soon2BeCatLady 
i think it really depends on the reasons why you broke up in the first place. i generally lean towards: don’t do it! BUT i know there are very very veryyyy few exceptions where it could work.
also…so many people fall into the trap of giving it another shot because people get lonely or it just seems convenient or people just have this hope that people can change. i really think people generally don’t change, but every rule has an exception. ever watch the movie, he’s just not that into you?? hehehe…good rule of thumb is that you’re the rule, not the exception!
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Almost every successful relationship I know of (lifespans of 37 years, 22 years, 20 years and 6 years) have had a point where they have officially called it quits and said they were done. I think it depends a LOT on the reasons it ended. Did the people really discuss what was wrong in the first place? If the reasons you parted ways things you decided weren’t that bad, or have they been resolved?
To me, it all comes down to this: sometimes forgiveness comes slowly. Sometimes you lose sight of what really matters. Sometimes people make really dumb mistakes. And sometimes you just have to trust your heart.
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We have been through quite the journey and then the final came and it was over… We went our separate ways, but in her absence and mine in here’s it came… When she cried my heart hurt, when she would listen to music I could hear it in my soul! When she would eat the wrong things I would have heartburn. When she would have relations with another a calling came into me sometimes painful if she was trying to turn off what she felt for me and the same for me to her. It wasn’t that we couldn’t connect beyond in this world, We connected beyond it. We just failed in connecting in the physical!
As this became stronger, I felt a heartbeat inside my own.. I told her she was with child and she didn’t believe me. She found out two weeks later, I was right! I told her and then I asked her to raise the child with me as I felt the child was my own. I could feel when her heart raced along with the child. A bill was due and she couldn’t pay it, I became the silent watcher and guardian, I did so in silence! I felt the kicks of the child inside me. She married another! I went my way but I stayed in the dark, we never truly could ever separate. Not because it was repeatedly one bad break after another but because we both needed to see beyond what this was calling to.
It wasn’t calling to anything that I have found in existence in any other here, nothing written except small excerpts yet nothing with the gifts that were birthed here.
I experienced my own pain telling the truth to every lie I ever told to those that I lied to. In the end I was completely alone. It was then in the pain of all of the pain you can imagine. It was something there waiting for me in this pain. The mirror of self stood watching all of it reflecting it back in me inside the connection we shared. I saw her inside of it!
I embraced her and I told her my everything. My place that I kept everything that created everything in thought to give me ego to live as I did. I had no place to hide I no longer wanted to as the pull of the connection was beyond anything. I decided to stay to myself 2 years. I lost my mother who was the only woman on the planet to love me unconditionally. Yet because of the connection when she left that morning I felt her. Her explanation of the vessel and in that she showed me the man she knew I was to be.
I faced every pain and felt my own death final as it was in all the deaths of all the relationships I had then. I embraced it as though it were a birthing of a child. She knew I would never be without the place of where I was birthed into. Not this place but the union I now share with my twin flame. You see it was before here and after here. One life, One soul shared, by two bodies. This is true in no other way to explain it. As I did so, the birth of the unconditional love embraced me to heal myself as I did she felt it, she felt my release of all things mind made. Yet she hid from herself for another 2 years. You see it takes something tragic or unimaginable to change ones existence to connect!
This is the two magnets explanation in form in human that I hope helps you to understand. It is the soul that is the source, If each soul is a round magnet! The two magnets that are turned in opposites don’t come together fully. They do come together where they will connect on the ends if you have then forced together. Yet they will still continue to go to and from! Yet if you turn them around to face each other where nothing is hidden, nothing is removed, nothing is missing, even if they have lint or fabric it becomes whole or the connected through it. The true form of connection is all there is! It doesn’t need or want! It just is. This story is not a myth. It is why we are here! It is why we have this! It exist in our presence not in our past, not in our future! We are one we are true. All of the fabric of everything past or even future is the part that has become both of us! I don’t have to try and tell anyone to believe for it is felt it in our presence. Whether together or apart! I can only tell you what you fear is the gateway. What you make about the relationship you have with the present moment is all that is needed. If you have no relationship with the present moment you will make all other relationships an enemy, as you will keep past, future times in place, which will allow you nothing more but missing the true moments that are shared between you. It isn’t about the fabric that makes you up, it is the unconditional love you can give to yourself that another will find you because it is a calling inside ones being at the core..(soul)!
It is our kiss, in physical, in emotional, in soul! When you go inside yourself and make love to yourself you will feel the call from your connected soul. It has to connect to you first and then it comes.. For anyone to tell you that someone has baggage that is content that someone has made another responsible for something outside themselves. This is false! This doesn’t open any doors but rather closes them. And your mind now has control over the fate of the physical existence you have here. Choosing the other is complete destiny! Your greater intelligence knows this. Your mind will make what I am telling you fight it even skeptics but it is interesting when she stubs her toe or hits her head I scream ouch. They stand in belief when it happens. No logical explanation just truth. But realize it is comprehended in the yes part of what I am saying no matter how small or strong it has it’s place inside you. A seed to plant to grow if you chose. But realize it is a choice! Why not go there?
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You broke up for a reason. Getting back together doesn’t resolve that reason. Was the reason a deal breaker to begin with or was it something you couldn’t live with at the time but now can?
You just have to do with what’s right for you and no one can tell you otherwise. If you make the mistake again, oh well so be it. Mistakes is just a part of life no matter how many of the same mistakes you make.
Just go with your gut feeling.
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To follow up my tweet: No person and no relationship is perfect. I continually remind myself that I have to accept the bad with the good. As long as the bad is not causing mental or physical harm, it is something that can be improved. Too many people walk away from relationships (my ex-husband, for example) without putting in any effort to work on relationship issues.
Someone tweeted back at me that people can change (and I don’t disagree). However, my relationship experience has shown that we both easily fall back into our old routines and that has not been a good thing for our on and off relationship. If both parties don’t make a conscious effort to nurture the relationship (especially one that has ended before), don’t be surprised when things don’t work out the second (third, fourth) time.
Bottom line: Don’t resume a previously ended relationship because you’re bored, lonely, or horny. Resume a relationship if you both understand why it ended in the first place and if you BOTH are willing to make an effort the next time around.
PS: Sorry for the blog-length post in your comments!
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Personally, I find dating (and in particularly the online variety) has become some kind of onerous box-ticking exercise. People go on one date then say they didn’t “feel a spark and/or connection”. This is code for “you didn’t instantly blow my mind and I am too impatient to wait until I get to know you. Moreover, having sex with you could be problematic.”
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