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Euphemism?

30 Nov

Being that you don’t know me,  you likely don’t know that I have relatively large eyes.  Not in a “bug-eyed” type of way, (although if I open them wide enough, they would seem bug-eyed)  but – and this comes from @A_Dude79 –  my irises are large.    Another friend of mine calls them my “Disney Princess” eyes –  just to put it into another perspective.   (It’s weird to describe your own eyes, I kind of feel like a tool right now..)   But that should hopefully put into perspective the online dating message I received yesterday:

“I love your large eyeballs, seriously, they are so hot!”

Commenting on one’s eyes is an easy way to break the ice – because who doesn’t like to hear they have nice eyes? …  But this was a new approach I hadn’t received before.  I wasn’t sure what to respond.

“Pahaha!!  Thank you.”

What came next surprised me (that’s what she said):

“Want to ride my tractor?”  (Is that what you guys are calling it these days?)  “I just put new spark plugs in it AND adjusted the valves!!”

If that’s a euphemism (and I rather suspect it is).. I don’t get it.

“I’ll pass..  but I appreciate the offer.”   (I think.)

“Probably a good idea,  I just bumped in to something (possibly an understatement) with it but I don’t recall what.”

Now I’m confused..  maybe he is talking about a tractor?  Or.. maybe he’s trying to say he is not sure if he caught an STD?

I think I’d rather not know..

More Fun with Tinder

6 Oct

Although at this point, I certainly wouldn’t give it my endorsement for “Awesome way to get dates” – Tinder is a lot of fun, and I’ve come to expect pretty shady messages on there.

When I was visiting with some Twitter friends in the city that never sleeps, I decided to like everyone on Tinder.   Weeks later, I am still getting random “mutual matches” from the East Coast.

My favorite this week:

“A threesome you say??  I mean, you do seem nice enough, but awfully forward..”

I think you know me well enough by now that I really don’t think highly of people looking specifically for booty on dating websites or apps..  But, I also know that this guy has probably sent out this same message a hundred times before, and probably gets ignored or bitched at a lot.  And, certainly he isn’t likely to change his ways after getting a screen-ful from me.

“I apologize for being so forward.. Matt and Joe would really appreciate a third, though..”

“Haha. Best response ever!”

I’ve decided that whenever possible, I am going to just try to out-do the weirdos.   Tehehehe.  And, that was all I have heard from my Tinder friend..   I suppose the distance probably has the most to do with it, but I am going to make it my executive decision that I was just too funny for him.

Hahaha… Oh Tinder.

18 Sep

The past few weeks I have been having some fun with a smartphone app called Tinder.  If you aren’t aware of what it is –  basically, it’s “Hot or Not” and if you “heart” someone, and they also “heart” you, you will be able to communicate with one another (text message style) through the app.

What I like about it is it’s also hooked up to your Facebook, so it will tell you if you have any mutual friends, or mutual interests.  (Pro-tip:  I always check out people who I have mutual friends with..   I will also get mad at said mutual friend for not offering to set me up.)

After signing up, and going through the endless amount of males that have this app-  I heard a rumor that this is more of a hook-up app.   I hadn’t really found that to be the case..   Until tonight:

“I want to bone you”

“Oh.. Umm, wow.  Thanks, I guess?”

“Oh you are so welcome.  Kinda creepy since my mom’s name is also [CatLady] but I could get over that”

“Okay, so.. what?  Like, right now?”

“Hmm.. where do you live?”

“You definitely are not coming here… and you can take that whichever way you would like to.”   (Ba-dum-bum!  ..I crack myself up..)

“Sorry mom”

“You certainly know the way into a girl’s pants.  Mom must be so proud.”

“You have a great rack”

“Yes, I’m aware.”

“May I see?”

“No.”

“No with a period?  You mean business”

He then told me to have an enjoyable evening, and I wished him luck in his search for a piece of meat.   He said he’d let me know of any updates.  I shudder at the thought of this walking-STD.

 

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