Cat Man

29 Aug

A post from Velvet:

So…I have a multi-faceted (schizo in a fun way??) personality. And because of this, I have a varied taste in men. I have a “part” of me who is attracted to the theater/video game/artsy/Renaissance Festival kind of guy. So, when I saw a guy who fit all of those things to a T, I messaged him. He plays violin. He rides a motorcycle. Has been a massage therapist for 12 years. Going back to school for either nursing or physical therapy. You don’t know me, but all of this is PERFECT!  

So, we messaged for a while. The chemistry was great. Banter was spot on. A little bit of flirtation, but nothing that made me concerned that this guy was in it just to add a notch to the proverbial bed post.

Well, we met for coffee yesterday. Things were going swimmingly. He caught my eye through the window before I entered the coffee shop and gave me a wink that made my knees wobble. He charmed me with his stories about work and school and such, some pretty geeky stuff-but as I said, I have a deep respect and love for the nerds of the world.

So as we were slurping up the last of our coffees, when he suggested we go to his place to talk some more I didn’t hesitate. Well, I didn’t hesitate much. Middle of the day, he was literally 3 minutes from the coffee shop, I have my own vehicle with me, blah blah blah.

And the weird begins…

We enter his apartment, and there is no living room furniture. Then I remember that he said this is his first place without roommates. Okay, odd-but not a deal breaker. Not everybody’s first stop is Ikea when getting a new apartment.

So, we plant it on the floor, and we are chatting away. He gives me an *awesome* neck and shoulder massage, we are laughing and talking about stuff and nonsense. He pulls out his phone to play me some of the music he has been talking about (I didn’t recognize any of the groups he enjoys) and I commented that I really liked the music.

The next things that happened literally give me goosebumps, and I don’t mean the good kind.

He looks directly into my eyes, and starts to sing along with the music. AT me, not TO me. Remember guys-serenading a girl may be romantic, but timing is everything. This was not the time.

So I mentioned that there was no furniture, right? Well, I was sitting up, hands braced behind me, legs outstretched with my ankles crossed. In one smooth motion, he literally SPRANG from where he was to straddle my lap. What. The. Hell?  Before I had time to react to that bit of fun, his mouth was on mine for about 3 seconds, then he LICKED THE END OF MY NOSE, and then? He MEOWED. Yes. Meowed. As in-made the sound a cat makes.

I couldn’t help it-I said, “What the hell was THAT?” And his answer was something about he was enjoying himself so much he felt he had to vocalize it or some strange crap…I think I blocked it from my mind because I was so completely creeped out.

So, I muttered something about having to leave, as I wiggled out from under him and grabbed my purse and keys and shoes, and got the hell out of there.

Halfway home? Text message thanking me for a “delightful” time.

So I immediately texted Cat Lady… “Two words. He meowed.”

Seriously folks, you can’t make this shit up!!!  

7 Responses to “Cat Man”

  1. Jenn August 29, 2012 at 12:14 am #

    Lmfao!!!! But poor Velvet


  2. nicofdarcyshire August 29, 2012 at 12:20 am #

    Nowt wrong with a bit of nose licking… The meowing is a ‘tad’ odd though… 🙂

    Which reminds me… I’ll send you a story about internet dates and cat molestation from one of my ‘friends’… Same way as I sent you the double sex change story…


    • kellig August 29, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      what?! double sex change story. you have to share that…i am waaaaay curious now….


  3. Kormai August 29, 2012 at 6:06 am #


    That is all…


  4. kellig August 29, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

    yes, the meowing is odd. but really, isn’t everybody kind of odd by now?

    but be thankful he didn’t chain you to a wall in his furniture-free living room, so close to the coffee shop, and play “scratching post” or “cat and mouse” with you. seriously, girl, wtf? going to a strangers home, alone? ever heard of ted bundy?


  5. lostnchina August 30, 2012 at 1:56 am #

    Found you via the way of Mamer – – I online date as well, but meowing is not something I’ve encountered, I must say.



  1. Babble « Online dating – Why I'll soon be a crazy cat lady - November 13, 2012

    […] first date and be certain that they don’t want to know any more.  (The only exception being “Two words:  He Meowed.” or something equally as crazy.. because that I can […]


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