Velvet’s New Dating Rule

17 Dec

So, Catlady fans, Velvet here has a rant. And because Catlady loves me, she lets me rant to you. My apologies in advance…

We have mentioned before that I am a bit older than her. Because of this, my dating “age window” is older than hers. In conversations and Twitter threads and talking to friends and such, I know that there is a thought that when it comes to dating, supposedly there is a magical age when we all become more mature and less likely to seek drama, men and women alike supposedly become more self-aware and able to really be present in a relationship in their late 20s and early 30s. Gone are the days of playing games to see if he/she really loves you, and everyone knows what they are looking for, they just haven’t found it yet. (disclaimer: I get that there are exceptions to this rule, so if you are super mature and you are 22 years old, don’t bother with your pissed off message. You are the exception, not the rule.) So, given that I am 37, one would think that I have probably passed the years where I have to deal with at least that particular kind of crap, right? HAHA! That’s what YOU think!

The other day I was pondering some of the men I have gone out with in the past, trying to figure out some patterns to see if I could maybe avoid some future train wrecks, and I discovered a BRAND NEW RULE!!!

The deal with maturity increasing when people reach their 30s? So far, that is spot on. Except for the completely hilarious wack jobs we all enjoy sharing stories about. Those folks will never mature. (I think insanity is the true fountain of youth…)

So what is this BRAND NEW RULE, you ask?

There is an expiration date on this maturity. Keep in mind, I am basing an entire rule on 2 people, but rules start somewhere, right? Besides, I said it was a new rule, I didn’t say it was a rational one.

I have dated 2 men who are 51 years old. That’s right, not 50, not 52…51 years old. I think that something happens to men when they are still single (or single again…) at that magical age. They become emotionally 14 years old. Between those two men, I have experienced:


-Notes hidden in public phone booths (hehe-we all know who THIS is, huh??)

-Tantrum in a public place, complete with stomping out of said place

-Passive aggressive Facebook posts saying emo things like “I learned my lesson”, “I have no one who cares” and my favorite: “Guess I know I should never trust again”.

-An entire group of people being fed lies to the point I was threatened to have my ass kicked (did I mention I am THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!)

-Stalker texts numbering in the double digits in one day

-Proclamations of love and undying devotion WELL before it was appropriate or welcome. Or sane. (after one date, and after about 2 weeks)

And the list goes on. Seriously, folks, I think I may be onto something here. And this might be 51 year old women too, but I can’t know that. All I know is that no matter how much longer I am single, I will NEVER date a 51 year old man again.

2 Responses to “Velvet’s New Dating Rule”

  1. CloverJones December 17, 2012 at 3:42 am #

    I am slightly younger than you and am dating a man a few years older than the “danger danger Will Robinson” age of 51. We have been dating approximately 2 months, and so far all is normal and he shows none of these signs. It also might be that he has a young son. So that keeps him busy and less likely to get obsessive. Anyway if this relationship doesn’t work out will stay away from 51 year olds!!


  2. kellig January 14, 2013 at 3:08 am #

    “Proclamations of love and undying devotion WELL before it was appropriate or welcome. Or sane. (after one date, and after about 2 weeks)” omg. so true. i have decided to stop dating online. the majority of guys I met for a date were awful. No tact, no idea what proper dress is, proper alcohol consumption, when it is appropriate to lay their hand on my thigh, under the table (hint- not right after saying that you are going to buy some of those “male enhancement” pills you saw in an infomercial)… no understanding that some shit should just stay in your head, like flat out saying “you are fatter than you look online” before my ass even hit the naughahyde of the booth. and the one guy I met for date #2… proclamations of love and undying devotion. lol.


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