Oh, Craigslist..

19 May

A Twitter buddy of mine told me that I should start viewing Craigslist for some added humor to the blog, and sent me a specific example that was found.

For the record, I just want to say that this might be a little harsh, and definitely a stereotype – but people who search for sex on Craiglist are ultimate creeps and are disgusting.  Don’t do it.   Not to mention, stable and normal females don’t tend to pursue Craigslist for such things.. really, if we want sex, we can find it without the internet.

But, alas.. here is an entertaining post..

“I have a few unfulfilled romantic experiences / fetishes that I’d like to check off this summer so I can get back to being a normal upstanding gent.  (Ha.. that’s a laugh..)   Here’s a list. This is completely for real.

1. Gamestop girl — All female Gamestop employees welcome. If you’re reading this and you happen to know one, please forward it on to her. 

2. Relatives — optimally, two sisters. But this whole relatives thing seems like a logistical nightmare, so I’m willing to settle for cousins, aunt niece, step-sisters, whatever, one male relative max.  
(Eww.. just eww..)
3. Three girls – at the same time, or more

4. A celebrity — D-list or higher, public officials welcome

5. A genius — have proof ready, field immaterial  (I’d like to see proof of his being disease free..)

6. Someone to hire me a gigolo — but in the classy way, like I’m wearing a tux and going to the Four Seasons first

7. Sex on the 50 yard line — I’m thinking Rose Bowl or Coliseum but I won’t rule out a HS.  (Let’s face it buddy… if this happens, it will be at a high school..)

8. A midget — I’m not super sure on this one, you would need to be exceptionally hot UPDATE: okay it appears the contemporary term is dwarf and the cutoff is 4’10” which means I unwittingly checked this off some time ago.

9. A Frenchwoman — preferably born in France and a native French speaker. Plusses: smoking, horizontally striped shirts, ennui, underarm hair. Minuses: probably underarm hair again, North African ancestry

10. A Brazillian — not super picky here. Plus if you’re good at volleyball.

11. A lesbian couple — I have a couple gold stars in my back pocket, but I’ve never been with a lesbian couple in a committed relationship. 

12. Someone with pronounced tanlines — the tanner the tan parts and the whiter the white parts the better, must be Michelle Rodriguez 
complected or lighter naturally.

13. A deaf chick — not sure if this makes me a really good person or a really bad person, can probably sort that out later. I had a really pretty deaf girl in a class once, and then it dawned on me, I can fuck pretty deaf girls. I’m also open to really hot blind girls . . . but I wonder how many of them read craigslist personal . . . and can drive out to [city] — anyway, if you’ve got a hot blind friend that you want to get laid, please refer her.  (Why would this make him a “really good person”?   Does he really think deaf people don’t ever have sex with hearing people?)

14. Someone who can defeat me at bar trivia — I don’t think there is a human female alive that can do this. But if you’re a really smart but not so conventionally attractive chick that wants to fuck a really hot guy — this could be your in.  (Oh… so he’s one of those guys who think women have smaller brains than men, too…  Bonus.)

15. A murderess — Classic murderess to the front to the line, followed by female soldiers who’ve killed with small arms, then vehicular manslaughtereresseses. Just to be clear, you still need to be hot. Jailhouse facial tattoos are disqualifiers. 

16. A furry — one of my earliest sexual memories is Babs Bunny. I don’t really know anything about the furry scene, so you would have to honcho this one. If you are one of the myriad gay dudes that will inevitably ignore the m4w m4ww classification, this is probably your best bet — dressing up like a lady furry and hoping I don’t notice.  

Now I know what you’re thinking “that list was too funny and delightful to be serious.” Nope, I’m totally serious.  (Oh Buddy, none of us thought for one second that you were kidding..)

ABOUT ME: 
I’m 6’4″, tan, and handsome. I have green eyes and sandy blond hair. Very fit body, rugged good looks with lots of confidence and perfect health. I’m not this immodest in person, but I will be here for brevity: I’ve been around the world, founded a successful little electronics company, served in the military, done philanthropic work, written books, earned advanced degrees, coached high level women’s volleyball and had many misadventures not suitable for publication.  (Bullshit.. all of it.)  Confession time: some of those books were comic books. Maybe, Craigslist isn’t the right place for somebody like me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that a smattering of awesome people pass through here. 

I have a righteous place of my own right on the sand in [city] with a hot tub. The balcony is directly over the crashing waves. Yes, I am peculiarly handsome and stable to be on CL but I assure you this is not to good to be true  (Oh, yes it is.) – if you can help me with one of the 17, please email and we’ll meet somewhere public and get a bottle of wine and then adjourn to my place on the beach. 
Thank you.”

*

I would bet that this guy is not that attractive.  I think men think much higher of themselves than women do, or so I have witnessed in the past.  I actually wish more girls had a guy’s confidence level in their attractiveness.  While it’s not a bad quality to have,  I think most confident guys tend to oversell themselves.  (I know this is a parody, but http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8Jiwo3u6Vo.. You can thank @CatLadysIntern for this one!)

But, for sake of argument,  let’s believe this guy when he basically says he is God’s gift to women.   That apparently makes it okay to have a fetish list?  And how nice is he to perhaps give an ugly girl a chance if she can beat him at trivia?   …I would bet anything that he is a walking STD.

See – only tools use Craiglist for sex.

6 Responses to “Oh, Craigslist..”

  1. tomato fan May 19, 2013 at 12:29 am #

    I like how the murderess fetish left you comment-less. Of all the ones to let slide lol.

    Like

  2. bellevierge May 19, 2013 at 1:12 am #

    This is both hilarious and disgusting. Seriously, so much wrong with this post.

    Like

  3. TheConfessionsNook May 25, 2013 at 4:52 am #

    Just started reading your blog and LOVE it! As a fellow modern day “blog dater” I found this hilarious! Where do all these people come from?! Thanks for the laugh 🙂

    http://theconfessionsnook.blogspot.com/

    Like

  4. mugs11 June 7, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    pretty sure this guy is trying to write a sexual to the hideous ‘i hope they serve beer in hell’

    Like

  5. mugs11 June 7, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    whoops! meant sequel, but after reading his ad, i guess i just have sex on the brain now!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: