Why Girls Don’t Respond to Your Online Dating Messages

27 May

I’ve been contemplating this for a few days, and that spurred because of this blog entry that Belle Vierge of Finding My Virginity blog pointed out to me.  If you don’t have time to check out the blog –  basically,  the blogger condones form letters. (There was a lot more to it than this..)   Belle posted a comment referring readers here,  and I had a back and forth with a gentleman regarding form letters.

Guys –  I will stick to this.. you will have better luck (at least quality-wise) if you reference something in the girl’s profile.   I get that not all girls give you stuff to work with, but there’s that quality thing again.

This is known – girls get a lot more messages than you guys do.  If she gets 20 messages daily that all say “Hey, how are you?”  she has to do a lot of work to determine if she wants to respond or not.   But I GUARANTEE you,  if you send a message that says “Hey [username]!   I read that you are actively involved in community theatre.  What was your favorite part to play?”  and she doesn’t respond… it’s not because of your message.

 

So – why don’t girls respond to your personalized messages, then?   There could be several reasons, including but not limited to:

 

– She doesn’t think you are attractive.  (Or your online dating photos are horrible. Seriously guys.. a lot of you post photos that make you look like pedophiles.)

– She only dates six foot two inch blonde guys with a six pack.

– Something in your profile is a deal-breaker for her.

-Maybe you don’t have much info on your profile.

– She’s in the beginning stages of dating someone else..  (or maybe not the beginning stages.)

– She online dates for an ego boost and nothing more.

– She’s not a real person.

– She meant to, but forgot.

– You have a dog and she’s allergic to dogs.

– You’re a democrat and she’s a republican.  (Or vice versa.)

– You wrote her a message at 3am, and normal people aren’t online sending messages at that time of night, so you are clearly weird.

– Something in your profile made you sound like a tool.

– Something that you couldn’t possibly know about is going on in her life and she just can’t be bothered with meeting new people, dating, or responding to anyone on the internet.  (Like what?   Family emergencies, work drama, her cat died..)

 

I could go on and on forever.  But it’s NOT because you asked her a basic question about one of her interests.

I know it’s frustrating.. I send out messages to guys I find attractive and don’t get responses, probably because I’m not a size 0.  But wouldn’t you rather be someone who stands out than the “norm”?

101 Responses to “Why Girls Don’t Respond to Your Online Dating Messages”

  1. @ATWYSingle May 27, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    But here’s where your logic falls apart.

    If the guy is attractive, a woman will at the very least read his profile. It won’t matter that all he said was “Hi.” And if his profile is decent enough and she finds him attractive, she’ll respond. She just will. Sorry, but no woman is out there saying, “Well, he had a terrific profile and pictures and was really cute, but all he said was hello so I didn’t respond.” Any woman who is saying that is lying.

    The whole need for a personalized email is just a stupid hoop that women hold up waiting for people to jump through. It gives some false sense of security that the guy is genuinely interested. The gesture is empty and proves nothing other than most guys know what women expect so they do it because they know if they don’t they won’t get a response.

    I don’t condone sending form letters. Not at all. You’d know that if you read more than a couple of posts. What I condone is that people not be so quick to dismiss someone because they didn’t write some customized greeting. Here’s why: because they’re sending that same customized greeting to the other 5 people they’re emailing during that session. It’s not a sincere expression of interest. Therefore, why not just drop this rule and make it easier on yourself and the people writing those tedious messages.

    In the grand scheme of things, that introductory email plays very little part in whether or not someone replies to you.

    And really, what would women blog and tweet about if there weren’t all those “lame” emails being sent? Even when the guy does ask a question based on her profile, if it doesn’t suit the woman’s detailed specifications of what’s interesting or appropriate, she’s putting the guy on blast.

    Like

    • bellevierge May 28, 2013 at 4:31 am #

      “If the guy is attractive, a woman will at the very least read his profile. It won’t matter that all he said was “Hi.” And if his profile is decent enough and she finds him attractive, she’ll respond.”

      This is true. But in my experience, which was only about 8 months actively using OKC, most of which was in France, the guys who sent me form letters also had horrible profiles. “I’m new to this, be easy on me… I don’t know what to say here… I’m kinda awkward but not… I spend Friday night with friends… Message me if you want!” Seriously, this was the gist of many many profiles.

      But a guy didn’t have to be attractive for me to respond to him. If he sent me a real message (a book recommendation was good enough), then I replied. Two out of the three guys I met in person in France, I did not find their pictures attractive. But they were funny and interesting, so I agreed to meet up with them on trips to Paris.

      If you’re hot enough that women respond to you without a good message OR good profile, you’re hot enough that you shouldn’t be using online dating to hook up. If you’re actually interested in a relationship, you need to make a little effort. And if you’re not that hot, then you need to make some sort of effort, period.

      Like

    • beautifulmess7 November 9, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

      That’s actually not true at all. When I was on dating sites if all I got was “Hi” or some obvious form letter I didn’t even look at the profile. The message was deleted immediately. I’m not and never was just looking for a pretty face. And if he can’t muster up something interesting and intelligent to say then we would never work anyway. The arrogance of that is a huge turnoff. Put forth some effort and be a man… a hunter.

      Like

    • inkblot101 February 4, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

      Wrong. If the introductory email says something incredibly egocentric, idiotic, sexist, or incredibly oversexual, 9 times out of 10, women will not reply.

      Like

      • Impaler December 20, 2015 at 7:25 am #

        True but then again…have you seen women’s profiles on there? They are only catering to their audience.

        Like

    • KW May 7, 2015 at 1:28 pm #

      That’s not true. If a guy says only “Hi” to me, he can be the most attractive man in the world, and I’m not going to respond to him. He needs to prove that he has actually read my profile, and not just messaged my picture.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Impaler December 20, 2015 at 7:26 am #

        He doesnt have to prove and doesnt owe you anything. He is probably better off without a self-absorbed person

        Like

    • purebrightfire January 15, 2017 at 4:54 am #

      Speak for yourself- I do that all the time. Even if he’s attractive- if he sends me a generic “Hi, how are you?” type message, I will not respond NO MATTER WHAT. He could look like a movie star and I still wouldn’t respond.

      Like

  2. Soon2BeCatLady May 27, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    Honestly.. I don’t even look at their profile if all they say is “Hi” or “How are you?” I did ONCE, and responded.. and later this guy used bible scripture as proof it’s okay to be a cheating bastard.

    Again – I am going for quality. If you can’t pick out ONE small thing in my profile to mention (and there’s lots.) I’m not going to waste my time.

    And, even if I am not interested in the person, if their message proves they took the time to read my profile – I always respond. — But, that’s just me. I understand that’s not the norm.

    (And I’m not talking about the crazy messages.. those are hilarious, and people who send those aren’t reading my blog.)

    But – I did read more of your blog too, and I am definitely a fan. =)

    Like

    • Chin Up, Chest High! May 28, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      And, even if I am not interested in the person, if their message proves they took the time to read my profile – I always respond

      Good for you but too many don’t. Far too often I have sent a personalised email, referencing several things that we have in common and they don’t even bother to look at my profile. How much effort does it take just to look? Surely you can’t tell how interesting you are going to find somebody simply from a tiny little thumbnail of their main profile pic?

      Like

    • Impaler December 20, 2015 at 7:29 am #

      Plenty of men can write to your interests, but that wastes a lot of time to just get ignored anyway. You will probably go out of your way to find the next reason of why you dont like him.

      Like

      • dave January 14, 2016 at 12:17 am #

        You nailed it I write about there interest ask them how they are ext you put the time in and you get nothing for your time. They are looking for the best deal and if your not with this and that good luck. I work full time have a car and am a very nice guy down to earth one time that was enough to get a date. Now you need to have a house and the whole nine yards before most of them will give you the time of day. Never mind the one’s that have been on there for months on end just for ego. Online dating is a sad sad place were people judge you by the cover and never get to know the real you about 99 percent of the time

        Like

  3. Mike Strobel (@mstrobel) May 28, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    I sometimes think that, given the imbalance in both quantity and quality of messages sent to women versus men, it might be better to bar men from messaging women at all unless they have been whitelisted (either explicitly, or implicitly by messaging him first). Probably wouldn’t work out in the long run, but I think it’d be a fun experiment for OkCupid to try for a week.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady May 28, 2013 at 12:49 am #

      I actually got a message from a small start up that’s trying out this concept.. However, given it’s just starting, of course it needs members first.
      My only “ehh” with the idea is the number of profiles I’d have to go through,

      Like

      • Joe August 19, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

        Your only “ehhh” would be all the profiles you would have to go through?

        Welcome to the world of the average male on a dating site. You women claim you want equality, yet when you have to do the same thing we men have to do ( Sort through countless profiles and send out messages that may or may not get a response) you refuse to even consider it.

        If you really want equality then feel free to sort through countless profiles, just like the men do.

        If you really want equality then put yourself out there for rejection, just like the men do.

        When you actually put in the time and effort to craft a personalized message and still don’t get a response, even a “No thanks”, you will be our equal.

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady August 19, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

        Joe – my comment was taken out of context. That was in response to a website idea that a woman would have to “whitelist” a guy before he can send a message. That is not equal as well.
        I would love to respond to all of your claims, but hate that it would probably be read by you with a snarky tone. Consider this an invitation to be a guest on my podcast tomorrow night (Wed, Aug 20 – 9pm central) to discuss. I am going to guess you haven’t listened before – I do have a male co-host who loves it when he can gang up on me.. You’d be in good company. Let me know.. Shoot me an email: soon2becatlady@gmail.com

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady August 19, 2014 at 2:10 pm #

        (I should specify.. The podcast is over the phone.)

        Like

      • Joe August 19, 2014 at 3:08 pm #

        Be a guest on a podcast where the deck is stacked against me?

        Thanks but no thanks.

        Very Respectfully,

        Joe

        P.S. This message took exactly one minute to compose and was a far more polite way to decline your offer than to simply ignore it. Women have no excuse.

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady August 19, 2014 at 3:22 pm #

        Again, you are misunderstanding.. The deck would actually be stacked against me.

        Joe – I am going to guess that we do not know each other in real life. I do often send no thank you when I’m not interested. I’m then told I’m fat.

        My opinion is: No one, either gender, is owed anything. I would guess you are frustrated with online dating- and honestly I am, too. That’s why I blog.. To call out the bullshit.

        If you don’t want to do the podcast, that’s cool. Send me an email anyway – I’d love to have a voice to voice conversation (I’ll give you my number.. Google voice) with you because I do think you are taking me the wrong way.

        Like

      • Joe August 19, 2014 at 6:28 pm #

        That is very unfortunate that you would send a polite ” No thank you” only to have that individual bash you personally about your weight. Funny that your weight didn’t seem to be a factor when they initially messaged you, yet only became an issue when you politely rejected them.

        For some women who have actually taken the time to respond to me, there are individuals that I would rather not have replied at all. Seriously, it takes far less effort to say ” No thank you” than an intentionally hurtful comment or snipe.

        However, I don’t believe that I am taking you the wrong way. You say no one is owed anything but I disagree. We owe each other to be decent human beings. Things such as manners and common courtesy are part of the unwritten social contract. The same social contract that keeps the human race from descending into anarchy. Niceties such as ” Please”, “Thank You” and even “No Thank You” are things that separate us from the animals.

        They ARE necessary and expected in a civilized society. Or we can just resign ourselves to behave like savages.

        Very Respectfully,
        Joe

        Like

    • Chin Up, Chest High! May 29, 2013 at 8:57 am #

      I like the method of oasis.com which limits the qty of characters in a first message. If the person likes the profile they have to accept the contact request and the pair can then trade unlimited messages. if that person refuses, they cannot communicate at all (unless, I think, the person who rejected it later contacts the same person).

      Communication is then through a Facebook chat style of messaging.

      Like

  4. s4m4nth4x May 29, 2013 at 2:05 am #

    I think that guys (and girls, for that matter) take everything SO personally. They assume that if they took the time to read the profile and send a personal message they are OWED a response… But, sometimes, the fact that they don’t get a response has NOTHING to do with them at all!

    Heck, sometimes, I read a message and intend to respond, and then forget all about it until I get ANOTHER message that makes me go to my inbox. The only reason I didn’t respond is because I’m an airhead – Rendering all of that “she read it and she look at my profile” chatter null and void.

    It’s not always personal. It’s not always about the guy, the profile, or the message.

    Like

    • Chin Up, Chest High! May 29, 2013 at 8:54 am #

      I think you’re right but if somebody has taken the time to read my profile and send me a decent message I’d feel bad if I didn’t respond.

      Nobody is owed anything, agreed. But people get disillusioned with spending so much time being polite, courteous and funny and constructing a decent message only to have it deleted unread by a woman whose profile tends to start “I don’t get messages from decent men!!!!!” Well, how would you know if you delete most of them without reading those messages or looking at the profiles?

      There is too much of an attitude of entitlement on both sides here.

      Like

      • s4m4nth4x May 31, 2013 at 2:19 am #

        Well, that’s the thing… They assume it’s been deleted or ignored when, in fact, any number of other things may have happened.

        Ugh, and I hate, hate, HATE people (men or women) who talk about the kinds of messages that they get in their profiles. Talk about yourself, talk about what you want. Don’t waste your time of the negativity of all of the things you hate.

        Like

      • Chin Up, Chest High! May 31, 2013 at 9:59 am #

        I was an A-lister on OKCupid. Two of the features I found most useful are the ability to see when pics were uploaded (so you can dismiss those whose most recent photographs are from 2007 but have captions “From last summer”) and you can see whether your email was read or not. The fact that I got no response and could see that it wasn’t read clearly meant that my messages were being deleted unread. But I just shrug and move on to the next one.

        Like

  5. Elizabeth May 30, 2013 at 5:02 am #

    Online dating is F-R-E-A-K-Y!
    But I must admit, I read THE funniest profile ever the other day. This guy had just this one sentence in his proifle: “I want a woman to treat me like a crime scene”
    … well, he was under 25 …

    Like

  6. Karl June 6, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    I always felt it was bad form to message someone who visited your profile. I mean, message them, but don’t phrase the message like “oh, I noticed you were visiting my profile”. Don’t even mention they visited your profile in any way, really. It hints at like you’re now obliging them to respond to you because they clicked on your 75×75 pixel image randomly out of a list.

    Like

  7. Melissa August 4, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    I usually send messages to boys too ….and no one really replies and I noticed boys also only reply and send messages to girls with big breasts……

    Like

    • Chin Up, Chest High! August 5, 2013 at 11:35 am #

      No more or less than girls only message/respond to men over 6′

      Breast size makes no difference to me personally, but I have been told by women that I’m a couple of inches shorter than the sort of man they would date.

      Like

      • Joe Paschal November 12, 2013 at 2:07 am #

        Many women are VERY picky about what kind of guy they like. They judge solely on your thumbnail picture and profile. If you are NOT her type, your message will get thrown in the trash can instantly. It doesn’t matter how nice, or intelligent, or how much chivalry and manners you have, whether or not you call your mom on mother’s day,

        And that’s just said.

        Judging whether or not someone would be a good match on their looks and what they have is very shallow and superficial. The older women tend not to be this way. They have went through growing pains and learned that their stupid standards are not good for finding a decent person.

        Just forget about these types and not worry about it. The real cool, intelligent ones can look beyond the surface and see how great you really are.

        Like

      • Chin Up, Chest High! November 12, 2013 at 9:14 am #

        I’m not bothered. I get plenty of attention from the sort of women I want to date and I am nothing special to look at at all.

        My comment was purely in response to Melissa about how shallow men are in that apparently – we only reply to big-breasted women.

        Like

    • Zak August 11, 2015 at 2:11 am #

      I’m laughing Melissa, you choose wrong boy’s. I like small breast. 😉

      Like

  8. Ann St Vincent November 19, 2013 at 2:44 am #

    Gosh, I should have come here before trying to figure all this out on my own. I am on a site that tells you if your message has been read and / or deleted, and I confess I find it offensive when someone deletes my message unread…it’s because they’ve looked at my profile and written me off. I’d prefer to just not know, and chalk it up to all the potential reasons everyone has above. But, if all a guy says is “hi”, or “hey” or any derivation of that, I do delete it…because I’d like a least a sentence…no matter how hot they might be.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady November 19, 2013 at 2:45 am #

      What website is that?

      Like

      • Ann St Vincent November 19, 2013 at 2:46 am #

        Plenty of Fish…

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady November 19, 2013 at 2:46 am #

        Weird. Do you pay for that feature?

        Like

      • Ann St Vincent November 19, 2013 at 2:50 am #

        I don’t think so…or if you pay (which I did) to be able to send messages, it’s included. The site is actually pretty transparent. It also tells you when the person was last online, if they have viewed your profile, shows message history, etc… I’m not sure I like that!! I do find it annoying to know that someone who has been texting / emailing me is online and then not contacting me. Or that someone who I’ve emailed hasn’t bothered to look at my profile. Oh well…I will get used to it I guess!

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady November 19, 2013 at 2:51 am #

        If you are paying them at all, thats why you have all that. POF is free.. Don’t pay them!

        Like

  9. Tron January 30, 2014 at 5:59 pm #

    Ot Well they should at least tell you that they are not interested. Its not that hard. Seriously I put in some time to send a woman a message and I don’t even get a response. All they have to do is tell me they’re not interested.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady January 30, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

      Please also see my post called “why you dont get no thanks in online dating”

      Like

    • collaredove January 30, 2014 at 6:40 pm #

      I did that for a little while, but I found that not only does it feel needlessly cruel, it also opens the door to a conversation I don’t want to be having. There is no need for me to respond and say “No thanks” because then I run the risk of getting a “But why…?” or “Please give me a chance” or “All women are bitches” type of reply. Also, I got upwards of 80 messages a day. I didn’t have the TIME to respond to them all, especially not the ones I knew I wasn’t compatible with.

      Like

  10. Steve February 22, 2014 at 1:00 pm #

    I just deleted all of my online dating profiles. Why? Because I’m part of the legions of men women consider ‘undesirable’ because they don’t have the requisite six feet of physical stature, movie-star looks or lots of money.
    Add in the scads of women who use OLD just to get an ego boost. plus the bazillions of single mothers looking for a walking, talking bank machine, the women who are damaged and have mental problems, and the constant, never-ending rejection from women who are legends in their own minds and who think they are too good for 99.99% of the men out there, you have something that is a colossal waste of time and money and, as an added bonus, shreds your self-esteem.
    Summed up, OLD works for women. It’s hugely profitable for the operators of online dating sites. It’s a net loss for average guys.

    Like

  11. Sun March 6, 2014 at 4:04 am #

    I don’t know…I’m think I’m above average looking, young, fit, etc. I write detailed thoughtful messages. My profile is well read. I really don’t know what the problem is. It is hard to meet people in real life where I am. I wish I figure it out. It is beyond frusterating. I get one or two messages a few times and then nothing (I get viewed most times). I went out with one girl who was psychotic (I tried to be as open minded as possible) and just couldn’t do it. She was so smug about getting HUNDREDS of messages a DAY.
    I really wish someone could help me with what I’m doing wrong. It sucks.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady March 6, 2014 at 4:05 am #

      Email me your username and I’ll check your profile out and see if I spot any red flags.

      Like

      • shadowvegeta March 6, 2014 at 8:45 pm #

        Hi, Michael2014tron is my okcupid name. Think you could give me some tips on my profile?

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady March 7, 2014 at 3:50 am #

        Brave soul..

        Even though after seeing your 3rd picture, it’s *pretty* easy to figure out which one you are.. It’s probably best to pitch the group photos and get more pics of just yourself.. Or at least indicate in the comments which one you are.

        Your profile is way too generic and short.. You need more detail. No one interested could really start a conversation with you based on what you have in your profile.

        Lastly, self proclaiming yourself as sexy is a little risky.. I get that it’s a joke… but…. ehh, I’d get rid of it. Pick another S word.

        Like

      • shadowvegeta March 7, 2014 at 4:23 am #

        Ok, I’ll make those changes soon. Thanks for the advice. If it’s ok with you, could give me another critique?

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady March 7, 2014 at 4:25 am #

        I’m surprised my other readers haven’t jumped on this with their input.. But let me know when you update it

        Like

      • shadowvegeta March 7, 2014 at 7:55 pm #

        I updated my profile aside from the pictures, due to technological issues haha. But if you could check it out, I’d be grateful. I don’t know why other people don’t ask you either. Certainly couldn’t hurt getting feedback.

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady March 7, 2014 at 11:15 pm #

        Well.. I don’t necessarily have time to critique profiles for the masses. It may be a business venture someday.

        Like

      • isiah November 4, 2014 at 12:13 pm #

        Can you spot any red flags on my pof profile look up handsome_cool

        Like

    • beautifulmess7 March 7, 2014 at 3:21 pm #

      I’ll give this a go, too. First of all, your profit pictures are not great. The only one with you alone is at a weird angle. And your main one is the worst of the bunch – not flattering at all. Get a friend to take some pictures of you alone in a few different places with good lighting.

      As for your written profile, the very first thing that jumps out at me is that you mention video games four times. Four. That is a huge red flag to me. It makes it seem like you are a man child who sits around playing video games and accomplishing nothing all day, and would likely ignore a partner in favor of fantasy. That may not be true, and it is probably incredibly unfair, but unless you are hoping for a serious gamer most women will be turned off by that. Also, in what amounts to a very short profile (only 177 words), you repeat yourself far too much. If I get bored reading your profile, I’m not likely to give you a shot in person.

      Here’s a tip: Your profile is not designed to be the quickest, shortest list you can make to answer the prompt. Those sections are there to allow you the opportunity to elaborate on yourself and your life, and say something interesting. Write in complete sentences, please! If you’re goofy, don’t just tell me that – let me decide that for myself based on your content.

      Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady March 7, 2014 at 4:38 pm #

        What she said.

        Like

      • shadowvegeta March 7, 2014 at 7:59 pm #

        Ok, I made some changes, and will implement what you said. Thanks for the advice.

        Like

  12. Where the Wind Blows April 1, 2014 at 2:45 am #

    You have to have a thick skin to try online dating.
    From a man’s point of view, there are some women that can be inconsiderate. So it certainly goes both ways.
    I had a woman send me an email that said “I think you have great personality”.
    Alright, so there’s her opener to me: short and polite. Ok, so she’s missing a word, let’s let it slide 😉
    I respond accordingly with a few sentences; her reply is short again that she’s not too sure about this website. Odd response considering she initiated.
    Come on – she initiated, at least show your interest by trying to have a conversation.
    I think for some people, they are just passing time online before putting the kids to bed.
    That’s my guess. So take these dating sites with a grain of salt.

    Like

  13. christopherscott3 April 1, 2014 at 3:07 pm #

    Well, I certainly feel a lot better knowing that the complete lack of responses are not due to my not so cleverly worded door opener regardless of how brilliant or funny I think it may be and are really due to the fact that I may look like a molester. So, the pics with me holding up large bags of candy need to be removed ASAP?

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady April 1, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

      Haha!

      Like

      • christopherscott3 April 1, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

        I see you have been the official surveyor (or savior) of the profiles of others; care to have a go at another? I posted my Match name on Up and At ‘Em’s Twitter account (and would give it to you) offering to allow Ben to feel better by reading mine on air showing he is not the only seemingly hopeless and clueless guy out there and allowing Stephanie or the guys to comment…care to take a shot? I am open to critiques and even some laughs at my own expense or a blog entry or…?

        Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady April 1, 2014 at 5:21 pm #

        Shoot it over to my email: soon2becatlady@gmail.com

        Like

      • christopherscott3 April 1, 2014 at 6:19 pm #

        Sent and feel free to reply here or by email

        Like

  14. Joe August 18, 2014 at 6:12 pm #

    A woman on a dating site complaining to men about getting too many emails. I think I’ve heard this song before…

    Though I do wonder how long it will take women to realize that complaining about that makes you seem elitist and out of touch to the average man. That would be like me, a White American male, complaining to a starving Ethiopian that I have too much food.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady August 18, 2014 at 6:34 pm #

      I certainly have no complaints on quantity of messages.. I’m not owed a message, nor is anyone owed a response.

      I would agree that I complain that more than one would think (even more than I blog about) I am treated as nothing more than a potential romp. How dare I want something real?

      Like

      • Impaler December 20, 2015 at 7:40 am #

        You may want something real and thsts great, but Joe’s complain still remains valid. You are still essentially complaining to a somalian that you have a ton of rice but you want filet mignon. That somalian is still hungry and now hates america. Thanks.

        Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady August 19, 2014 at 10:55 pm #

      I am unable to reply on your last comment.. But- any further opinion will be stated on tomorrow’s podcast. I hope you tune in.. Feel free to call in if you are so inclined. =)

      http://www.blogtalkradio.com/soon2becatlady/2014/08/21/are-we-owed-a-no-thanks-in-online-dating

      Like

  15. JustTellingThe Truth March 7, 2015 at 10:39 pm #

    It’s because 999/1000 women are shallow and materialistic. Personally I view the profiles of the girls who would be considered by most as objectively ‘attractive’ and then don’t message them. About 25% of the time I get a message from them asking why I didn’t message them. I find it hilarious how narcissistic women on there are, and it amuses me that I get a message from them when I wouldn’t have got a reply if I HAD messaged them. I do hope it made them feel insecure, it’s all they deserve for being so far up their own a.r.s.e.s. I’d rather die single than have to spend 30 mins stuck chatting to the shallow bints in a bar.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady March 9, 2015 at 10:24 pm #

      If I ever send a “You didn’t message me!” Its a way of saying I am interested. (However, I usually follow it up with a topic starter question.)
      Most guys are shallow, too.

      Like

  16. New Jack June 14, 2015 at 7:09 pm #

    I hope all the stuck up twats on OKCUPID and POF die. They never respond to any messages and I want to put ’em in a boat and push it to the middle of the ocean and watch em drown. Than there will be plenty of bitches in the ocean for the sharks to have and those bitches won’t be able to reject and ignore.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady June 14, 2015 at 7:25 pm #

      Wow.

      Like

    • New Jack December 4, 2015 at 12:57 am #

      All the stupid stuck up twats on POF/Okcupid deserve to die.

      Like

    • dave January 14, 2016 at 12:21 am #

      I hear ya New Jack just bs on these site’s and then woman wonder why nice guys become jerks does not happen over night lol

      Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady January 14, 2016 at 12:28 am #

        Hold up, though.. Even if it doesn’t happen overnight, you shouldn’t take out your frustration on a stranger who has done nothing wrong!

        Like

  17. M. Foulkes September 18, 2015 at 12:14 am #

    This is very reassuring. It makes me feel like less of a failure and that all those dozens of carefully written first messages were only wasted on women that don’t find me attractive/don’t exist/are forgetful.

    Like

    • dave January 14, 2016 at 12:24 am #

      That is what piss’s me of. You take the time to think and write a nice message and it’s like oh look this guy sent me a message how dare he I am looking at a better man he just will not get nothing back that will fix him

      Like

  18. Adam September 20, 2015 at 6:29 pm #

    Hmm.. I send out nothing but personalized emails, am not ugly as far as I can realistically tell, and can’t find other reasons why she wouldn’t respond. I’d say the who answer is spot on. I’m just another guy she can pass up to say she did that and find someone else with her newfound stuck upness. I really don’t understand it past that after sending so many respectful, content driven messages.

    Like

    • Adam September 20, 2015 at 6:31 pm #

      *ego answer, that is. I met 49 out f their 50 criterion. Just not good enough. I think that’s disgusting and I don’t treat women like that AT ALL.

      Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady September 20, 2015 at 6:37 pm #

      Don’t take it personal.
      Send me an email with your username and I’ll see if there are any red flags. 🙂

      Like

  19. Houstonian January 14, 2016 at 1:24 am #

    Online dating is just a way to sleep with ugly girls.

    Like

  20. Gee January 15, 2016 at 4:12 am #

    Truth be told, Feminism has destroyed the dating scene, most women nowadays make men resent them period. Now most of the females (Online Dating Playas) don’t need to be on a website to begin with to get a date, remember when online dating use to be a awkward thing back in the days? Now it’s the new norm and smart phones didn’t help it much either (Selfie = Narcissism) I truly think if a woman can have an quick assumption about a man based on his photos instead of his inner being (Essence) then that tells you what kind of individual she really is after all. If women follow the same thing like others do like a damn school of fish then she’s not an individual at all. It’s only fair if women get off from their lazy asses on their pedestals and be initiative back to respond like men do! Remember, We’re all equals right?

    Like

    • christopherscott3Christopher January 15, 2016 at 10:01 pm #

      I don’t usually respond to the comments of others but for some reason as I read this one it struck me I should.

      “Truth be told, Feminism has destroyed the dating scene,” I tend to support this supposition. My experiences have been mixed with regard to this and I want to believe that dating has changed and lay the blame at postmodern feminism. “Who pays?” “Do I open the doors, do I compliment her on how she looks?” These are all are questions I find I have which seems to lend credence to the idea that it has changed or at least clouded the issue but in truth, these are questions I make up in my mind to lend support to my idea that dating has changed due to the rise of feminism to cover for my own fears that I will be rejected or belittled because of how I feel or what I do and it is that fear and how I act because of it that brings about exactly what I don’t want which is being alone and feeling lonely.

      The next supposition of, “most women nowadays make men resent them period,” I disagree with completely. You had me and I was hoping to see a statement I could support that expanded the first premise but if you resent someone it is (contrary to popular belief) 100% your choice and on you. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, yes, the woman may have done something that was less than cordial but your reaction to that event and how you think of it is wholly on you and no one can “make” you resent them.

      Calling a woman who for reasons all her own chooses online dating over other forms of dating (bars…) a “playa” seems at best childish because she may make a choice other than you and smacks of anger in perhaps not being chosen. As someone who is in recovery and doesn’t do the typical bar scene and who knows 100s of women who don’t either, it would seem that the initial process of online dating is both safer, may fit with her social needs and on a time line conducive with her schedule. Despite my lack of success, if it weren’t for online dating I am not sure I would much possibility to date (bit that too is really a choice).

      A selfie is narcissism? I agree it can be and often may seem the case but in reality is no more so than asking someone else to take a picture of you to put your best look forward or writing complimentary things about yourself to attract the attention of others. As far as the judgement of simply looking at a picture versus the inner essence of a person she may be inclined to pick a perspective date, when was the last time you went up to a person who you felt was unattractive physically and asked to get to know them so you could bask in their inner beauty which you have not yet seen? Isn’t the idea of getting to know them to learn more of the depths of them? If your answer is (as I fully suspect) that you have never done it, then it actually seems to say more about you in this judgment than them. The facts are that 99% of us are first attracted to someone we don’t know by something physical but as you stated, once you get past that it is and should be about their inner self or essence.
      The funny thing about the idea of being an individual is that beyond the physical self, there really are no individuals, we all tend to gather together in groups that help us feel something and is there really something noble about individuality over a group?

      “It’s only fair if women get off from their lazy asses on their pedestals and be initiative back to respond like men do!” This hardly paints a flattering picture of how you view women or of yourself and it may well be in this very sentence that helps you find a way to change your perspective and luck. If women respond like men do… how is that? You are a man, look at your own response. Should they respond like men do with negativity, put downs and attacks?

      As a man who used to whine about many of the issues you have raised here (and still may from time to time) I understand where you are coming from but I’d bet your story isn’t accurate and because of it you seem to have developed a negative outlook that is getting in the way of enjoying yourself. I have given you a gift and a way to see past what you see now, the question is will you look at the negative and think I am attacking you or will you look to where I am showing you a mistake that can be corrected and changed for the better?

      Yes, we are all equals but by attacking you are saying you are superior or inferior and really not equal

      Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady January 15, 2016 at 10:09 pm #

      I would love to have you on my podcast to discuss. Email me: soon2becatlady@gmail.com

      Like

  21. New Jack March 4, 2016 at 5:27 pm #

    The bitches on POF/OKCupid deserve to all die in a car wreck and hopefully they will then they can rot in hell where Satan can torture them for not responding back.

    Like

  22. Flyn April 6, 2016 at 12:32 pm #

    It goes back to the caveman day women always go for the strongest and most dominant to provide and protect there sibilings. The bad boys appear the most strongest and dominant compared to nicer guys. Women say that all boys are the same because they fall for for the same trap over and over again. Girls if a guy appears charming its is a trap it is not that hard to figure out. So basically it is the same with dating sites if a girl does not see you stronge and dominant enough that’s a no no especially with pretty girl because they have all the pick and they always pick the best unfortunately that is how life is. As there are a lot of girl who are stuck up there is a few that are decent so my advice is to keep messaging different girls I myself is trying to find a girl who is decent.

    Like

  23. promethius Bob April 18, 2016 at 11:40 am #

    I imagine the author of this article is a major feminist cunt that parades around her house wearing nothing but a t-shirt screaming rape every time a guy so much as looks at her running to the phone to call the police. Than demands a female police officer come instead immediately because officer ”dick” was checking her out when she answered the door.

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady April 18, 2016 at 11:58 am #

      Haha! You have made my morning! Have a great day!

      Like

    • DrBiocheMiker April 18, 2016 at 1:50 pm #

      I imagine that the author of this comment is a major furry that wears animal costumes in public and writes fan fiction about the Muppets set in the Alien universe. He wants a woman like Ripley but barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen, and wearing a wombat costume. His favorite movies are Muppets Take Manhattan, Alien, Alien II, Prometheus, and Muppets in Space.

      I am guessing that how I imagine you, promethius (sic) Bob, is as much in error as how you imagine Soon2BeCatLady.

      Like

  24. TheHipHopRecords (@TheHipHopRecord) June 25, 2016 at 8:48 am #

    The thing is, for a woman to respond and bear in mind, they respond to about (1 in 100) men. It can’t be that “O he’s ok” it can’t even be a “O he’s attractive” for women to respond online, it pretty much has to be the screaming teenager at a One Direction concert type of attraction. She has to be practically wetting her pants for her to respond to you.

    Like

  25. Kyricus (@Kyricus) June 29, 2016 at 4:12 pm #

    It’s really sad to see how many bitter/angry men there are out there in the dating world.
    I’m a guy, and let me tell you, no one owes you a response, and you don’t owe anyone anything either.

    Maybe it’s my age (I’m probably quite a bit older than many of you) but I get about a 25% response rate. And I get at least one unsolicited message a day coming to me.

    You know what? I don’t respond to a good 90% of the messages I receive. Some are from people who I clearly am not attracted to. Others are very attractive but I can tell won’t be a good match , and still others…only say Hi. I need more than just Hi, to write back. Especially if they are marginally interesting at best. Does this sound like the way a lot of women respond, or don’t respond. You bet. It goes both ways.

    And I laugh at comments about how women are only looking for the most attractive option. True, there needs to be some level of attractiveness, but honestly, how many of you guys have messaged people you have no attraction to? How many? Yeah, I figured as much.

    You need to come across as a positive person. IF you aren’t, that will come thru in your profile. I see it a lot on women’s profiles too. I won’t message anyone that comes across as angry, or who is carrying around past relationship hurts. I don’t care how beautiful she is.

    A positive attitude helps a great deal

    Like

    • james July 6, 2016 at 2:56 am #

      Alright listen white knight, here’s the deal.

      Ain’t nothing wrong with women being shallow, or wanting to fuck hot guys.

      The problem is women are HYPOCRITICAL CUNTS.

      They should be honest in their fucking profiles.

      “I’m looking for a rich dude who drives a Porsche 9-11 and has a large trust fund”

      or

      “I want to fuck someone who looks like Chris Pratt, average guys need not apply”

      and 99% of the problems would be solved.

      No man feels “entitled” to a woman. If a woman wrote she only wanted to fuck guys who are 6’3″, 200 lbs then I’d join your white knight brigade.

      That is not the case. These cunts write they’re looking for normal average guys, they want to take things slow, they want nice thoughtful messages, etc etc etc ad nauseum. Women WANT a million things, and they offer NOTHING in return.

      On the rare occasions where a girl messages a guy, its something lame like “hi whats up”. And the guy is able to close within 2 messages and get the number, because the girl’s already wet for him.

      Again nothing wrong with it, just be fucking honest. For your own sake.

      Like

      • Soon2BeCatLady July 6, 2016 at 3:02 am #

        I think you’re considering maybe 20% of the female population as 100% of us.
        I might write about the idiots online dating, but I’m the first one to tell you that most people online are normal, and it’s a great way to meet new people.

        Like

  26. cleaner100 March 2, 2017 at 4:51 am #

    I’m 6’3’’ and good looking, educated with a good job, I even play guitar and sing well. Early 30’s, no kids. I’m no professional athlete nor billionaire, but a good catch all the same.

    I’ve been online dating about 4 years, interrupted by a year-long relationship which almost resulted in marriage. (Yes, we met online) OkCupid was the first site I was on, and I messaged hundreds of women and ended up with like 5 dates. I’d say most of these women were decent people, but there was no chemistry. Basically, OkC fucked with my self-esteem, and I ended up curtailing my use of the site. I still have it in case some great angel passes through the ranks and writes me, but other sites are far better. The apps where you swipe and there is a match at least ensure a higher response rate, so I’d suggest those. Join several, not just one.

    Guys, going into it, you have to remove all thoughts in your mind – don’t even think for a second “this could be the one.” You have to almost assume, “heh, who’s this skank?” or “this is bullshit” in your own mind. Set your default feeling to skeptical and realize it’s her that needs to impress you. Of course, messages should always be appropriate, never insult anyone and be on your best behavior. But in your own mind, be detached. Just because you’re flirting with a girl or writing a first message doesn’t even mean you’re interested. After a while, it becomes second nature to write a witty first message that ensures a decent response rate, and the edge is taken off. Though it should be done correctly, writing a first message is a formality about as romantic as emptying a garbage can. Adjust your expectations accordingly. Also, never give up on meeting someone in person.

    After much practice, more than a few embarrassing moments, and constant work on my profiles, I’m at the point now where I’m pretty good at getting a first date. Still haven’t found “the one,” but I won’t quit even if it never happens for me. Dating sucks in general. It’s easy to wish for the culture to just go back to practical, arranged marriages, but that isn’t happening any time soon. It’s possible that feminism messed things up in some ways, but what’s worse is that people don’t take the time to get to know one another. True, there are situations in life where you can size someone up in a few minutes, but dating isn’t always that way. I usually need to meet a person a couple times before I open up. Unless someone comes across as seriously disturbed, I’m almost always willing to meet them a second time. Some of these women in their 20’s don’t have any idea what they want and make snap decisions that aren’t necessarily the right ones.

    What I don’t see women doing enough of is trying to build a man’s confidence. This means a lot to a man. Instead of assuming he’s weak if he’s not aggressive or extraordinarily witty the first time out, women should try to “unleash the beast.” Sometimes when you give a nice guy a chance, you’ll find he’s actually got plenty of badass clout. So to all you ladies out there, unless you’re seriously repulsed, don’t be afraid to lead and encourage in the beginning. You might be pleasantly surprised….

    Like

  27. Keith Adams August 4, 2017 at 10:37 pm #

    Well that is a fuckton of gayness. If I spend the time filling out the likes/dislikes portion of the site then i would the same common courtesy of an answer.

    Like

  28. Keith August 20, 2017 at 9:39 am #

    Okay, please tell me what I’m doing wrong. I can’t even get most of the women I message to even open my messages. I’m an upgraded member on a popular site, so I can see whether they’ve read it, deleted it without reading, when they were online last, and when and IF they’ve viewed my profile. Most of them delete it, unread, and never even look at my profile. Beginning to think I must be REALLY ugly.

    Like

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  1. God’s Gift to Driving | Online dating - Why I'll soon be a crazy cat lady - November 9, 2013

    […] talked before about reasons girls don’t respond to your messages.  I am still a firm believer that no one who is online dating owes you anything, and really […]

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