If you aren’t tuning into my weekly podcast, you are missing out. Last week we discussed being aggressive in dating, and I wanted to re-cap as well as add a thought or two.
My sexy beast of a co-host, @A_Dude79, brought up that he read an article that suggests to males that instead of beating around the bush and asking a girl if she’d like to get coffee, BE AGGRESSIVE and tell the girl you’d like to take her out on a date. If she says yes, then there is no question whatsoever that it’s a date. If she says no, then you’ve saved yourself some money. At the very least everyone is on the same page.
I agree with this entirely. Being aggressive shows that you know what you want, and you aren’t afraid to take a risk to get it. It’s just manly to tell a girl you’d like to take her out on a date. And – most girls want to date a man. — I know I do.
We discussed on the podcast that “Let’s get coffee sometime” can be taken a number of different ways. Now – let me tell you this: Most girls know that this means a date. We just play stupid. If we’re not interested in dating you, we’re likely to go to coffee anyway and make it a friend-date. (And I know how much you guys hate the friend-zone..) You are more likely to get a straight answer on if a girl is interested in you if you are aggressive.
I digitally bumped into an old acquaintance of mine, and sent a “hello” message over because I had already clicked his page. (Because I remember everything and everyone, I assume everyone else does as well.) We’ve chatted back and forth, but I have absolutely no interest in dating him. He thinks it’d be fun to get coffee and catch up.
Will I go? Sure.
Do I think it’s a date? No.
Does he think it’s a date? Probably.
Would I have said yes had he asked me out on a date? No. (Fun fact: I am 99% sure that he doesn’t even remember my first name.)
So why would I go to coffee then? Because coffee is casual and I like people. Also, because I can’t guarantee he thinks it’s a date, maybe he does just want to catch up. And, who knows – even though I doubt it, there could be chemistry?
Guys- just be more forward with your intentions, and consider rejection as money and time saved. Try it out and comment or tweet to me with how it went. I have a feeling we will all be pleasantly surprised.
Soon2BeCatLady 
I wish men would be more aggressive! I had a “lets get coffee” date on Sunday. The best part was the end when he just said he would like to see me again and asked if he could kiss me. Manly! And hot.
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Yes! I often get a, “Maybe we could have coffee sometime?” That just seems like a resigned, “Well, we’ve been chatting for a little while. I guess we should probably meet one another.”
However, there is a fine line between being good aggressive and obnoxious aggressive. I hate it when a guy says something like, “When are we going out?” The when doesn’t matter until I’ve actually agreed to go out with you at all! (Sorry for the mini rant. I’ve been getting a lot of the obnoxious aggressive guys lately.)
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I agree with your sentiment here, men should be more aggressive in asking a woman out so that the woman has a clear understanding about how the man feels about her, i.e. whether it’s a real date or just some time to catch up with each other. If a man does ask a women out on a real date, he can at least know sooner rather than later that the woman has some interest in him.
Although, I know plenty of women who go on dates for the free meal and time away from the four walls of their apartment. In these scenarios, a man still won’t have a clear understanding of the woman’s feelings for him.
Although some men don’t ask a woman out on a real date because they are unsure of whether the woman may have feelings for him in return, there is also a vast amount of men that prefer to take women out on cheaper “coffee dates” simply because:
(1) They don’t want to spend much money on the woman,
(2) They don’t intend to have a serious relationship with her, and
(3) They want to take many other women out as well (which requires some money being left in his bank).
These are just my thoughts though. I would love to hear others opinion on this aspect of the topic as well.
While I do believe men should be more aggressive in asking a woman out, I do not believe that women should be any more straight forward with their feelings about a man in the beginning, other than saying yes to the date. When a woman knows that a man is interested in her, it’s great and she’s happy.
However, let that a man know that a woman is interested in him and he may take advantage of that.
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Hey,
I like a guy who is assertive, not aggressive. I like the male-encouragement here, but am not the biggest fan of the gender-roles assumed (paying for dinner/drinks, being the one doing the asking). As a girl, I like to put myself out there too, and if I guy likes me, I’ll usually know without him having to cover the cost of my nachos. This runs the risk of feeling like your time (and more) is being ‘purchased’ by the guy.
Nice blog though.
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I actually agree with your advice here. I can see how it’s a lot more attractive if a man is confident and straightforward about his interest. It’s probably also good to eliminate the uncertainty about wether or not your meeting is a date, the less you have to think and/or worry about, the better.
However, men and women are really not that different. Asking someone out and setting yourself up for rejection can be absolutely terrifying. A lot of guys probaby have trouble asking someone out on a date. I know I do. I will actually ask girls out, but it really is superscary – try to keep that in mind. Despite the fact that guys still often have to take the initiative here, they may not necessarily be skilled at it.
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That’s funny because just today I heard one of my co-workers talking about how he suggests going out “for a cup of coffee” is his cheap way of figuring out if he’s interested in the female(s) before spending any type of substantial amount of money on them! I swear he’s out for coffee almost every other freaking day!
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Honestly, I don’t like aggressive guys when it comes to dating. But, it will depend on the guy, if I really like him, I might go with him 🙂
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Too funny. Totally agree with your cohost that being aggressive (sounds just definitive to me) is a refreshing departure from our generation’s eternal “hanging out”. Funny TIME article on how none of us even know if we’re on an “official” date anymore. 🙂
http://newsfeed.time.com/2014/01/21/were-all-going-to-be-single-forever-because-no-one-knows-when-theyre-on-a-date-anymore/
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I think finding and knowing what you want is VERY attractive – and so being aggressive on a date is just hot!
Date with purpose!
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I think hookup culture has had a huge influence in pushing this “hang out” mentality. It’s pretty well established amongst most males: if you want to sleep with a girl, keep it casual; you can turn it into a relationship later if you want to. But if you want her to blueball you until you’ve “earned” it, take her out on a formal date.
Then of course you have the part where boys are often growing up without a real father figure, or even a model of a healthy relationship. Given that the man is expected to make the “first move,” the deficit in masculinity is often far more apparent and disparaged than that of femininity in women. Hookup culture itself is no help – it lets men take the easier, lower-rejection method of interaction.
For the record, I’m THRILLED whenever a girl responds positively to the idea of a proper date – even more so when she suggests it herself.
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I think the whole idea of “real” or “proper” vs fake dates are kinda wack.
The decision making criteria AND process for men & women are VERY different so these “lets do ____” dates are actually close to mutual.
Women can’t think too greedy & really believe dudes are gonna invest 100% on first dates with women who can easily flake at any time
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