An Online Dating Christmas Tale

26 Dec

Cat Lady and Crazy:

like Tequila and lime

(and I warn in advance that

this will be in rhyme)

 

Hope your Christmas was jolly

Now go grab a beer

As you read with delight

a tale of great “cheer.”

 

So….

 

Twas the evening of Christmas

as I sat all alone

No one to snuggle

No sweetheart to phone

 

No boyfriend from Santa

which was this year’s wish

Not even a message

on Plenty of Fish.

 

So I sat on the couch

to watch some T.V.

And wished for that boy

who was meant just for me.

 

“Oh well, that’s okay,

for I’m doing just fine.”

I said to myself

as I sipped on my wine.

 

But Hark!  What is this?

A message on ‘Cupid!

I thought to myself,

“Tis bound to be stupid!”

 

I wondered “Why me?”

Said “Your eyes played a factor.”

I thanked him.  He offered

“Want to ride on my tractor?

 

I am fine alone

To me it doesn’t matter

Another year gone..

At least I’m not fatter!

 

Oh boy!  A new message!

How high I must rank!

But alas, he compared me

to a fruit he would spank.

 

I checked out my Quiver

One seemed quite the catch

But my name to his markings

was nary a match.

 

Oh boyfriend, come quick

For my loins be an itchin’

Okay – I’m just kidding

but ain’t these rhymes bitchin’?

 

Then Tinder did ping

as I swiped right my thumb

Twas a gentleman caller

looking for a three-some.

 

And then came a message

with atrocious grammar

I knew right away:

A Nigerian scammer.

 

Online dating is sketchy

and a pain in my ass!

But here’s to 2014

Let us all raise a glass!

 

So friends of my blog

Come back for the fun

And I wish you good luck

in your quest for “The One!”

 

(If you need some more rhymes

cuz face it – they’re bomb.

Check out my inspiration

at nerdtinkerer.com!)

7 Responses to “An Online Dating Christmas Tale”

  1. Chin Up, Chest High! December 26, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    Brilliant! Love it 🙂

    Wishing you the best
    In twenty fourteen
    Because this year’s posts
    Are some of the best I’ve seen!

    Don’t be down
    You seem pretty cool
    It’s not your fault, you see,
    That you’ve had some tools

    Let’s both raise a glass
    To our single status
    But come on POF
    Find someone who’d date us!

    😀

    Like

    • nobodyimportant December 27, 2013 at 5:11 am #

      Be proud of yourself
      You haven’t settled yet.
      Be true to yourself
      And what you want, you will get

      Nobody is perfect
      We all have our flaws
      But it sucks to be single
      When you’re decking the halls

      Stay positive, upbeat
      And don’t give up Dear
      Maybe that boyfriend
      Will show up this year

      He won’t be a creep,
      He won’t be a perv
      If you see someone you like
      just muster the nerve

      Nice guys are shy
      Introverted, you’d say
      That’s just what things
      Have come to today

      Be kind to yourself
      Be your best friend
      And a partner in crime
      Will show up in the end

      Like

      • Chin Up, Chest High! December 27, 2013 at 10:17 am #

        Great! Except, I’m not looking for a boyfriend 😛 (I’m male)

        Like

  2. bmowner January 5, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

    I enjoyed your rhyme
    Blog poetry should be no crime
    Here is my thought
    Online dating has taught

    Match.com
    It must be the bomb
    Laughing singles in my TV
    What’s that tingle?…It’s HSV

    Christian Mingle
    No wonder they’re single
    Girls so fat
    My penis go splat

    JDate for those who are cut
    I’d totally do that slut
    She not believe Jesus or the manger
    Still, I’d bone this dark haired stranger

    Gaydate, your uncle’s secret mag
    Beans and frank to lift that stag
    I am not afraid to ask myself the truth
    Oh wait, that’s my cornhole, Baby Ruth!

    Eharmony is a twist
    But I shake my fist
    Old big girls who go too slow
    That site really, really, really, blow

    Date My School
    Keeps bad genes from the pool
    More elitist scum besting father’s dime
    The neatest scrum, the rest of us just slime

    GradHearts
    More smart girl farts
    Mountains of debt
    A barista I bet

    Ok Cupid
    Online dating, maybe, just stupid
    Just another site but free
    Enjoy your winking spree

    Meet for a brew
    Else you a serial killer’s stew
    It’s a date not a blood pact
    But eat a burrito, Cosmo says make eye contact

    Life is not about you
    Unlike your dating profile, it is about two
    In terms of musts, 3 of 4 is not that poor
    It’s your bitch sister that’s keeping score

    Tall Peter Pan, smooth douche that will not marry
    Type-A Pro, oh so scary
    Give Joe in the middle a twirl
    Behold, you’ll find your pearl

    He or she may have a dimple
    Sometimes it is that simple
    Wait for perfect you’ll go bust
    And watch your vagina crust

    Else you’ll meet an old warhorse like me
    In the city, surrounded by selfish misery
    Sarah Jessica Parker, a smiling twot
    Has Mr. Big’s closet for her eggs to rot

    Like

  3. Datingmadeeasy February 4, 2014 at 9:14 am #

    I don’t know much about poetry. but this is wonderful. i love reading it. thanks for sharing.

    Like

  4. Christopher March 29, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

    Having read a few posts and having heard you on the radio, I know (or at least hope) that you will take this too, with a grain of salt..(and perhaps a chuckle)
    Be careful of your phrasing
    When speaking of your loins itching
    One man may rightly think your craving
    Or one with crabs he should be ditching

    Like

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