The Man Who Knows Everything

3 Mar

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. (I’m warning you now, this isn’t safe for work.)

Hinge’s ads on Hulu sucked me back in. They’re the “dating app designed to be deleted” and they aren’t the worst of all the apps, so I, for what feels like the 70 billionth time, made a new account. I decided I would take a passive approach this time around. I don’t want to swipe for hours on end, so if someone “likes” something on my profile, I will check them out.

Enter an attractive 37 year old. He liked one of my photos, allegedly went to Harvard, was dressed very snazzily (I know that’s not a word.. it is now!) in all of his photos, and his two truths and a lie section caught my attention. One of this potentially true or false statements was “I wrote off my school supplies as a tax deduction when I was in 8th grade.” I was intrigued, and figured there had to be a story there. I accepted the match.

“I truly hope you wrote off school supplies!”

“I did but it was actually in 6th grade from what my dad says.”

“Amazing! Why were you filing taxes in the 6th grade?”

“Ahh because it’s the law”

“Sure, if you make a certain amount. That’s not super common for 12 year olds.”

“Well clearly I made enough”

“Not rocket science”

This probably should have been my indication that this was going no where fast, but I was truly intrigued at least.

“What were you doing for work?”

“I worked on a farm”

“Sounds like you are passive aggressively trying to call me a liar. As I’m driving $100,000 paid for car”

“Makes sense”

First of all, weird flex over your car, bro. I’m not quite sure why he got the feeling that I was trying to call him a liar; I most certainly wasn’t. I still believe in the philosophy of trying to make conversation while on a dating app. I tried to smooth things over.

“Very cool! I worked when I was 12 also, I was a paid stage actress! I’m not passive aggressively trying to suggest anything. I’m just trying to have a conversation. :-)”

“All the kids worked on the farm it’s called 4-H”

The 4H club pays? News to me, but I was never involved, nor do I know much about it, other than they have a booth at the State Fair.

“I didn’t realize they paid. I’m sorry for offending you.”

If you work they have to pay you”

“It is illegal not to get paid”

“It is a federal law: Work and get paid.”

…..Did he just mansplain employment to me?…..

“That’s how I understand it! :-)”

“So why is it so hard to get lol I worked in a farm and got paid. I still owe race horses.”

He probably meant own, but that’s not what he wrote. Since we weren’t doing so well, I let it slide.

“Oh, it’s not hard to understand. I wasn’t questioning that you worked.”

“It seem like you are. Which is strange to me. I started working in 5th grade to pay for my lessons and 4-H dues. You make money you pay taxes. So my dad taught me how to do my taxes. That is my dad, he is old school. By the time I was in 9th grade I had the farm driving permit and a car. Which I bought myself. I was out if my house by 18 and paid my own college tuition.”

I had to change the subject, there was clearly some disconnect. As I mentioned, his photos were all of him dressed sharp, and all seemingly “downtown” or in a major city.

“That’s awesome! Your profile suggestss that you don’t farm anymore?”

“I sell farm foods and cattle.”

“So it doesn’t suggest that.”

“Oh cool, so you have a farm then, too?”

“Yes, my family owns a farm.”

“Very nice. What kind of farming do you do?”

“I don’t farm I’m a broker”

“Since your family owns a farm, what kind of farming do they do?”

“They not me”

I’m sorry, but this is just beyond weird. I find it hard to believe that someone can put something on their profile, have it be their career, and then seemingly not want to talk about it. Especially about farming! I have a garden and you can’t get me to shut up about it!

Then, a memory flashed back. A dear friend of mine moved out of state to become a farmer. I was naive at the time, and took those words at face value. I was corrected and told he was going to be a “farmer” and grow things that are illegal in my state, but not others. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was the case here, and since I was close to the end of my patience, I decided to ask and probably get blocked.

“It sounds like you sell drugs?”

“Listen you racist cumdumpster”

“If you make up lies about me I will sue you for all you are worth”

“Make up lies about you to whom?”

“Don’t ever say I “sell drugs” or insinuate my family does. You piece of trailer trash.”

Me thinks he doth protest too much.

“You think you are being cute but I’m filing a restraining order as you foolishly type.”


(Also, good luck with that since you know next to nothing about me.)

“When it is done I’m going to drag you through court and out that trailer up for sale.”

“Pretty defensive..”

“I’m nit at all defensive I do let little white, racists accuse my family of selling drugs.”

“You’ve got a real realty check coming

I’m not going to lie to you, I was pretty proud that I hadn’t called out his horrific grammar and wrong words at that point, but here was my chance to have some traditional Soon2BeCatLady fun!

“Oh man!! I’ve been waiting for a realty check! SCORE!”



I refrained from asking who he thought the idiot was. I’m growing up, you guys! (A little, anyway.) At this point, I started sharing this conversation with a friend who’s been in the dating trenches with me. It’s also convenient that this friend happens to be a lawyer.

“My lawyer is advising me that your restraining order is baseless.”

“Is that so? Who is your lawyer? I will be glad to walk through the statue with them”

“You don’t need to walk through it. It’s a statue. They don’t move. Actually, I’d advise not walking through one at all. That would hurt.”

“Ahh that is what I thought you are scared”

“Where would you like to be served? I will make sure an officer visit you with in the hour”

“At my trailer would be fine.”

“You seem nervous for someone who has a lawyer”

“Yep. I am hiding under my couch.”

“What is your lawyers number? I will call them with the police”

“That’s not how laywers work.”

“That is how they work”

“You have zero legal experience”

“You don’t know that.”

“So if you’re not sacred why not give me your lawyers information?”

“I don’t feel the need to pay my lawyer at this time. I can pay if I go to court.”

“You don’t go to court for a restraining order lol”


“You cannot fight it”

“You are pathetic”

“But I am filing the report and I am getting a restraining order. So hide as long as you can like the bottom feeder you are”

As much fun as it was to watch this craziness, my favorite show was about to come on, and I was over it.

“Well, this has been fun. Thank you for the entertainment. I’ve been advised to send you one last message:

Please stop communicating with me. Any further communication or attempt to contact me is unwanted and will have a substantial adverse effect on my safety, security, or privacy.”

“The statue states if you intentionally contact someone then attend to claim you fear for your safety. Doesn’t met the statute.”

“You should learn about the law.”

“Who advised you? We can have a judge look it over”

It’s been several days and I have yet to have an officer at my door. I don’t know about you, but I am SHOCKED.

I also reported him to Hinge for calling me a cumdumpster. That wasn’t nice, and you can’t do that on Hinge.

2 Responses to “The Man Who Knows Everything”

  1. Masn E March 3, 2021 at 12:00 pm #

    It is so nice to see that you are still writing.

    I was wondering if you had stopped.

    Hope you and yours are safe and well


  2. Basi M March 9, 2021 at 1:19 pm #

    You have more restraint than I do. I would’ve blocked him after the first reply.

    Thank you for the post!


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