I must start by telling you, and emphasizing that this in which you are about to read, is an opinion piece. It is quite alright if you disagree, and I fully anticipate I am going to gain some admiration, as well as piss a few of you off. Just breathe and hear me out.
I used to tell you, and even blogged about kids being a personal deal-breaker of mine… but I have slightly changed my viewpoint on the matter. I think if you are someone (male or female) that wants kids of your own one day.. kids are NOT a deal-breaker. Allow me to explain..
Those of us who want kids someday, yet claim kids to be a deal-breaker, don’t realize that it’s really something else that’s the deal-breaker. (Baby Mama Drama, the guy knocked the mom up and left, not having a social life because of 100% parent duty, etc.)
I have decided that IF YOU ARE A PARENT, YOU SHOULD NOT LIST ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE THAT YOU HAVE KIDS. Again.. hear me out.
1) If someone approaches you at a bar, or while you’re out at some social event and you’re flirting and having a good time, you don’t bring up that you have kids. You don’t hear people telling strangers on the street that they have children. Why should online be any different?
2) If you feel obligated to tell me that you have kids, I feel obligated to tell you that I don’t know if I see myself in a long-term relationship with someone with kids. Why the fuck are we talking about long-term in a first online dating message?! Let’s be honest.. we may not get past, or even TO date one.
3) I don’t feel it’s necessary to bring up offspring until date 3, at the earliest. You need to hook the girl first, and then break the news. She might be shocked, it might take her a couple days.. but if she’s truly into you.. she’ll get over it. (Same goes for divorce.. don’t need to know.)
And really – no one should be meeting each other’s kids until things are exclusive and serious… ruling out “I don’t want to fall in love with your kid and then never get to see them again.”
So – why the change in heart? Because my dear friend, #31, is back on the market. He is a catch, and he continuously immediately gets turned down because he has fathered a child. To those females out there that “don’t want kids in their life right now”: Are you telling me if your absolute dream guy came along, and was amazing and perfect (I know.. they don’t exist.. but humor me) and wanted to give you the world.. you would turn him away if you found out he had a kid, even if it meant you were going to end up alone with cats, or settling? Are you also ruling out new gal pals because they have kids?
Therefore, my recommendation is: The fact that you have kids does not belong on your online dating profile. Remove it if it’s on there. Dating has to start casual – although I have seen some dudes online try to immediately jump to long-term relationships – and unless things are going to get serious (which you won’t know right away) kids don’t need to be a part of dating.
Alright.. get mad and comment.. I’m waiting. =)
Soon2BeCatLady 
Have kid and… interesting point. I think I may try that actually. No one I have met in a dating context (online or offline) has met ny kid, and I trend to agree. Both that and previous relationships are initially irrelevant.
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None of the men I have met have met my kids either but I’d rather people know. Being a parent is a lifestyle. If someone can’t deal with that, so be it. I am not hating anyone who doesn’t want to date me over them-I just want to be upfront about it. I do think lots of stuff on the profile could be taken off if we are using the same logic. It’s kinda a flaw in online dating..Good idea though-I’d be curious to hear how it works out for someone.
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I think guys are more “forgiving” about kids than gals are.
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I don’t have kids so I can’t comment from a parents perspective. But as a single gal, I can say I’d feel I was lied to if somebody said they didn’t have kids on their profile and then all of a sudden said they did. I think it’s different in person, it’s not something you need to disclose right away but online dating is different. There is a specific section for that and I feel it should be answered truthfully. Well, I think all sections should be answered truthfully; however, they aren’t unfortunately.
I have some girl friends that have kids and they have different opinions. Some say they tell a guy right away about her kid and the others say they wait to tell.
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I am not saying LIE about having kids.. I’m saying don’t ask don’t tell until you know you want to explore a relationship with someone.
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I’m ambivalent on whether to list it or not. But I get your point. I used to be vehemently against kids, it was a deal breaker. I still have no desire to bear a child, but… If mr perfect came along and he had a passel of rug rats, I’d do the best I could. I don’t know that I could deal with really small kids, but a bit older, say 7-13 range… Could be a great experience. 5 years ago, totally different story.
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Most important issue here? If a person has to “get over” the fact that you have children, it will ALWAYS be a problem, ALWAYS be something they resent, and will be the reason they DO break up. You wouldn’t trick someone into signing adoption papers, why on earth would you want someone dating you if you have children, if they would not be ok with raising children? And yes, things like this should be discussed before date one. Because the reason for date one is to get to date two. And that one is the gateway for one year, and then a few years, and so on and so on. Unless you are just looking for a hookup, in which case, don’t even give your real name. But if you are looking for a relationship and you have kids, you need to mention that on the first date.
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I like this idea for the same reason I don’t fill out other sections. For instance, I leave my income blank because I’m tired of gold diggers. I leave religion blank, even though it is a part of me, because I have yet to meet someone that is sane about it. Too many false assumptions. I’ve recently discovered there are women who will date me because I have a kid. Not cool at all. I want to date someone because we are compatible people, not because they have some messed up preconceived notion. Besides, my kid is awesome, and most people who meet him that didn’t want kids would make exceptions for him. But for a first date? No one needs to know that, it’s creepy.
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I HATE kids. More than anything. If a man has kids, he is not my dream guy. so there’s no way I could meet my dream guy and he have kids. it’s a disqualifying factor AND if I was to date him, that would be considered settling. tell me you have kids first so I quit wasting my time.
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I hope you emphasize that on your profile then.
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What if I omitted that detail from my profile? Having a child makes my social calendar a LOT less flexible. Many erroneous conclusions could be drawn. I wouldn’t want to start things off on ANY false pretenses.
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Personally, my drawback almost never has to do with the presence of a kid – but rather, the accompanying attitude I perceive that comes with a kid. When a girl puts “I have a kid and (s) he’s my world” down, What I hear in my mind is, “this girl is obsessed with her child and is no longer an person unto herself. She will prioritize this child over everything, and I have no interest in pursuing a relationship in which I have to prove myself more important than a lid 1/4 my age.” I’m interested in a dating a woman, NOT her kid.
After a bit of thought, I absolutely agree with the post. “I have a kid” in a profile is like saying “I’m not creepy” in a message. SUREEEE you’re not gonna let the date get derailed by every little thing and be so worried about the kid that you can’t even enjoy yourself, I believe you…. (not)
On the other hand, I would have MASSIVE respect for a girl who didn’t feel the need to broadcast her tiny human sidekick at first, who choose to bring it up at a later date, and who I could both loved her kid, and also wasn’t weighed down by him. After all, I’m interested in finding a wife someday, and I’d like to become a husband – not just a replacement father figure for a failed relationship with casualties of war.
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