God’s Gift to Driving

9 Nov

I know online dating can be frustrating.  I have a lot of gentlemen telling me that they are tired of it because they don’t get messages, or responses.  I hear ya.  Mr. ADude and I discussed on our podcast last week that one should really have zero expectations when it comes to online dating –  and that you get out of it what you put into it.  (That’s what she said..)

We’ve talked before about reasons girls don’t respond to your messages.  I am still a firm believer that no one online owes you anything, and really – online dating is just one way of holding up a big neon “I’m Single!” sign.   (I would kill for one of those in real life.)

But.. sometimes you aren’t getting messages or responses because your profile says something like this:

“I’m Really Good At:

..I am also very good at honking, yes it likely if you see a green grand Cherokee and there is a strange honk sound coming form it, then it is me.  I have a 2-2.5 hr commute daily.  if you text and drive next to me, I will honk at you.  If you are drifting, swerving around, or clearly have no idea how to drive.  I will honk at you.  if you don’t go at a green light, honk.  slow turner – meaning you come to a complete or near complete stop to take a right or left hand turn when there is no oncoming traffic – I will honk.  Driving is an awareness mandatory activity and I can not begin to tell you how often I am cut off, near hit or put in a rather precarious situation. No I don’t have road rage, I honk as a form of positive or negative reinforcement.  Making drivers better since 2012.”

Oh.

My.

God.

I’m sorry Grand Cherokee owner, but that annoys the shit out of me.   Are you fucking serious?

1)  Your grammar is atrocious.

2) Remind me to NEVER get into a car with you.  If that many people are near killing you on a daily basis… maybe it’s YOU.  (Also, if you have time to honk, you have time to stop.  Get over yourself.)

3)  You also honk for POSITIVE reinforcement?!  This *might* be okay if you have a custom car horn that beeps out “Nice work!” or a happy little song.. but I’m quite certain your Cherokee doesn’t have that.

4) Maybe.. just maybe.. you should move closer to where you work.  Or take public transportation.

5)  Yes, you DO have road rage.

6) “Making Drivers Better Since 2012” –  …did you just start driving?   Additionally,  I guarantee you that 95% of the people you honk at have no idea whatsoever why you are honking at them.   The other 5% don’t give a shit.  You aren’t making anyone better, you are only making yourself worse.

Welcome to my Friday night, folks.   Sigh.. I need a boyfriend.

6 Responses to “God’s Gift to Driving”

  1. unchainedsoul November 9, 2013 at 6:01 am #

    So frickin funny! Oh my god! I think I saw that Jeep Grand Cherokee underneath a semi or it needs to be. Whatever, what a douche. Thanks for sharing though, made me giggle 🙂

    Like

  2. Chin Up, Chest High! November 9, 2013 at 11:11 am #

    At first I thought this person might just have had a warped sense of humour but on a second read through I decided to throw out that hypothesis, I think he’s just weird.

    Continuing to wish you better luck next time!

    Like

    • Soon2BeCatLady November 9, 2013 at 6:02 pm #

      After reading his entire profile, it was clear he was not joking about this matter.

      Like

  3. Yvonne November 9, 2013 at 11:23 am #

    I love this, you are so very funny…….this made me smile much!!!

    Like

  4. Carol Balawyder November 9, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    This was a great post. Seems like honking is his major brag quality. Good thing he says it out front and you don’t find yourself on a date with this maniac. Thanks for the laughs. Have a great weekend 🙂

    Like

  5. K. Lee Ellis November 19, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

    Haha Awesome! This totally reminded me of my online dating experience. I saw so many horrendous profiles and received so many insane messages, I was tempted to keep them all and publish them in one big “Online Daters Beware” book, but then I worried I could be sued for plagiarizing idiots. lol

    Like

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