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Scam-alicious.

11 Nov

“Hello sunshine

How are you ?. I was going through your profile I am quite fascinated by the cute word i read from your profile. You sound so wonderful and nice. I realize you processes all the qualities I needed in woman and your profile caught my eyes and captured my soul.. am a very good Christian with good sense of humor to me age is never a barrier in relationship.

I will like to know if you would like to chat so that we get to know each other better….. well i am Joe Biden and i am a widower and a father of one, l love helping people especially the less privilege ones,l like going dancing, swimming and playing golf….I’m new on this site and don’t know how much this can work out as i do not believe so much in the internet as a means of dating …. i will like to know you better if you don’t mind .

Love Greetings

Joe Biden”

Now.. quite obviously this is a scam..

First – It cracks me up that he has named himself Joe Biden.  (The name of the Vice President of the United States for those of you not from here, or those of you from here who are incredibly unaware..)

Generally,  the online dating scammers will appear to use a translator to craft their message.   (I am a very good processor of the qualities he is searching for..)    They are almost always of Christian faith and/or “God-fearing.”   And they are always a widower.    

And — if it ends something weird, like “Love Greetings”..  that’s probably the biggest indicator.

So – watch out for that.. this goes both ways…

I’m actually surprised I didn’t also get a yahoo email address to respond to.

Online Dating: Meeting People I Already Kinda Know

8 Nov

You know when you see someone, and you are certain you know them, but can’t place it?   This is something that rarely ever happens to me, and that’s because usually within seconds, my brain pieces together who the person is.   But, I had a moment the other day where my brain was taking it’s merry time, and it drove me crazy.

I got a message from someone online that I knew I knew.  I immediately responded, “I am not sure why or how, but I know you.”  and then went into investigator mode.  I asked him hundreds of questions.. (Okay, not hundreds.. I exaggerate..) to the point where I think he was getting annoyed.   (And also for all my male readers who think I am an evil bitch, I HAVE talked with him about other things too..)

I did manage to figure it out.

I have never fully understood the tweets and sayings that go “That awkward moment when..”   and I am quite sure only a small percentage of you could actually relate with this…  but…   It’s definitely an awkward moment when you have to convince someone that you photographed them 8 years ago, with their now ex-girlfriend.. and to prove as such, send a picture text of said photo, that for some odd reason you still have.  (I used to work at a chain photo studio..)

I have yet to tell him the reason why I still have it is because it was in my “These are cute guys” folder…  I’ll save that for if we actually start dating..  However given the creepiness factor,  I’d be surprised if he isn’t running for the hills.

That Sounds Tiring

5 Nov

No….  just no….

“INTOXICATING… would you consider submitting to a mature man with erectile dysfunction? I need at least 8 hour sessions to build my sexual energy up. I am way hornier after 8 hours of sexual play that I am when we start. Are you up for nurturning my sexual energy and then submitting to that sexual energy?”

I’ll be the first to tell you that I probably don’t know as much about this stuff as I probably should…  but that just seems like too tiring of a process.

Eight hours?!   Shit  – I have things to do..

Just A Piece of Meat

4 Nov

What I strongly despise about online dating is that I literally feel like I am a piece of meat hanging at the butcher shop – just waiting for someone to come along and “pick me.”

Seriously, we are all window shopping for a mate..  And some of us forget that the piece of meat gets a say in the matter as well.

“Hey!

I would just like to say how you really make me feel; i feel so dam
good knowing ill be with you.

I specialize in making you a better person giving you 100% of my full
attention especially when you need it the most.

With me its all about you and give you something nobody can offer
“love, honesty & long term rela.”

If you want I can commit to any certain random event like; for
example, “taking on hair waxing or even collecting stickers that are
on fruits”, just so that i can get you to smile.”

While sometimes it’s easy to think otherwise,  I think a lot of people can offer love, honesty and a long term “rela.”   ….And why would someone want their significant other to collect stickers off of fruits….   That’s just bizarre..

Sorry guys… I guess this means I am no longer up for grabs?  ;-P

I’ve Heard of a Bad Hair Day….

1 Nov

As the title of this post suggests, I have heard of a bad hair day..  I’ve heard of a bad karma day..  but, never have I ever once heard of this:

“Have you ever had a “bad” boob day?”

What, praytell, is a bad boob day?!    I would assume I have never had one of these..   I am dying to know, so please enlighten if you can.

I was going to question the sender as such, but alas he surprisingly no longer has an online dating profile..  So, I may never know..

Seriously..  do they have the ability to just randomly deflate or something?

 

His and Hers

31 Oct

The Velv-inator got a message today that said a mere:

“Let’s poop together.”

Knowing that something like this is exactly what my blog is looking for, she sent it to me right away.   She also included in her e-mail to me:  “Feel free to include the irony that I got that message, when I have the required approx 6-month relationship before I can comfortably use the bathroom with Mr. Velvet in the home.”

The message itself is probably enough to post..  but, I feel the need to discuss this a little further.

Not only did he send that message to her, but it was also his local broadcast for the day, which I happened upon after Velv’s e-mail.   I did inform her of this, and I think it was fair of her to ask if should be offended that he also wants to poop with other people.

When did bathroom togetherness become a romantic activity?   I mean,  I’ve heard of his and her sinks.. but never his and her toilets.   That’s just a little freaky.   I’ve said before, and Velvet and I mentioned on the podcast we were on last night — Keep your creepy shit (pun intended) to yourself until date 10, at least.

I’m guessing it’s not true love.

Six Things I Could NEVER Do Without

28 Oct

Alright – it’s pet peeve time.   I cannot possibly be the only person who hates it when people answer OKCupid’s profile question of “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” in a literal fashion.

Of course you can’t do without air, water, shelter, food, sleep and money.   Pretty sure that would be just about everyone on the planet.  I certainly can’t speak on behalf of OKCupid – but I am quite certain they meant things that you would rather not do without.

Try putting your favorite hobby.  My profile says that I could “never” do without my camera.   Of course, I literally could do without it –  and do frequently.. but,  ideally, it’d be with me all the time.

Do you really like to travel?  Put that you could never do without airplanes.

Are you always cold?  Or hot?  Put that you could never do without blankets, or air conditioning.

Be unique.   I know gravity is a necessity for Earth life… you don’t need to remind me on your OKC profile.

What He Said…

27 Oct

I have nothing for you today of my own,  but I just want to point out that the man behind It’s Not A Match (dot com)  is one of my favorite people ever that I have never met..  In the least creepy way possible.

Seriously… he just gets me.

Please do me a favor, and excuse my lack of hilarity for tonight and read his hilarity instead.

Latest It’sNotAMatch.com Blog Entry.

 

And…. I want to marry him.   That is all.

Swiss Cheese

26 Oct

“Hello, I am wondering if I could hire you to preform a sexual favor on me. My sexual favor would involve you pleasuring me using Swiss cheese. Due to the exotic nature of this fetish, I am willing to provide some very nice compensation for your services. To give you a little back ground on what I am asking for, here is a brief explanation. What I would have you do is wrap slices of Swiss cheese around my penis, then once a good amount of cheese was wrapped around my penis, I would have you slowly stroke me until I climax. Like I mentioned, this is quite different and quite exotic, so please be open-minded to the context of mixing cheese with sex. At no time would I expect or want you to eat the cheese, and besides paying you for your services, I am also open to providing you with sexual pleasure if you so desire on top of payment for services rendered. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this fetish, while sounding weird is really quite fun, and easy to do. Also be aware that fetish should only take about 20 to 30 minutes from start to finish. So if I sparked your interest, and your looking to make some extra cash, please get back to me, and we can discuss further details. Thank you for your consideration.”

My question is:   Why swiss?

Oh people of the internet..  Why do you continuously surprise me?

….And his username is LovesSwiss….  Oh wow.

Piece of Meat

24 Oct

“u look edible”

Well.. that certainly isn’t a message I have received before.  I figured this just had to be good..

“Are you a vampire?”

(Hey.. you never know..)

“no but i like to lick”

“So, I don’t look edible.. I look lickable?”

I understand lickable is not a word.. but, it was necessary to create it, in my opinion.

“yes :)”

“Okay then.. Thanks?”

“I hope I get the pleasure.”

“You won’t.  I am confused as to why you think I would be okay with that.  Care to enlighten?”

“I never met anyone that didn’t like it.”

“You go up and lick random strangers often?”

“no”

“Then your statement can’t be proven.”

“u r correct”

“Usually.”

“How was your day?”

And.. at that, I am done.   My day doesn’t need to be described to someone looking for a piece of meat.

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