Soon2BeCatLady

“Hello, I am wondering if I could hire you to preform a sexual favor on me. My sexual favor would involve you pleasuring me using Swiss cheese. Due to the exotic nature of this fetish, I am willing to provide some very nice compensation for your services. To give you a little back ground on what I am asking for, here is a brief explanation. What I would have you do is wrap slices of Swiss cheese around my penis, then once a good amount of cheese was wrapped around my penis, I would have you slowly stroke me until I climax. Like I mentioned, this is quite different and quite exotic, so please be open-minded to the context of mixing cheese with sex. At no time would I expect or want you to eat the cheese, and besides paying you for your services, I am also open to providing you with sexual pleasure if you so desire on top of payment for services rendered. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this fetish, while sounding weird is really quite fun, and easy to do. Also be aware that fetish should only take about 20 to 30 minutes from start to finish. So if I sparked your interest, and your looking to make some extra cash, please get back to me, and we can discuss further details. Thank you for your consideration.”

My question is:   Why swiss?

Oh people of the internet..  Why do you continuously surprise me?

….And his username is LovesSwiss….  Oh wow.

Was I just offered a free trip!?

“hi I read your profile and I noticed you like to travel. I travel a lot as well, mostly to Thailand where I get my dick sucked and have a lot of anal sex. I was wondering if you want to travel there with me and get your libido satisfied?”

I am quite sure I could find a way to get my libido satisfied at any bar in America, or online dating even.  I certainly don’t really even need to leave city limits for this.

And honestly..  I think very few people dislike traveling… Come on.

“rawr hey there baby cakes whats a beautiful girl like you doing this evening? ; ) Come with me to dairy queen and I’ll get you a Blizzard. Not super sized though cause thats 50 cents extra and I dont know you like that. also you’ll have to pay for my gas cause you live kinda far. but play your cards right angel face and I might sex you up who knows.”

Rawr, indeed.  I seriously hope I play my cards right!    Except it’s a bit chilly for ice cream, so for that reason alone, I have decided meeting up for ice cream isn’t in the cards.  So, my dreams of being sexed up tonight are not happening.  C’est La Vie.

“Hey, I’m going to be out right with you, I’m looking for NSA fun. I’ve met with various women from here and we’ve all had a lot of fun 😉 and they’ve had multiple screaming and moaning orgasms. Would you be interested in such? I guarantee you’ll have a lot of fun ;)”

Oh.. My.. God..

Gentlemen of the internet –  DID YOU KNOW.. that you can narrow your search down on OKCupid for women specifically looking for casual sex?   If not, Merry Christmas.   If so – why do you send these types of messages to girls who are not looking for casual sex?

Secondly, and really I can only speak for myself, I’m sorry, but the fact that you find “various women” on OKCupid who are okay with sleeping with just anyone is even more reason for me to not be interested.   Even YOU don’t know where they’ve been.   However, I don’t really believe that claim anyway.

I believe that if a female is looking for a frisky good time, she could easily find what she is looking for without having to resort to the internet.

Take it to Craigslist casual encounters, would ya?  (Oh wait – that site doesn’t work either, huh?)

I got the following message from one of my blog readers today, and felt it should be shared.   It’s not only me who gets weird and crazy messages!

**

I received the following message the other day and thought you might get a kick out of it! It made me laugh and do not worry I did not respond.

“Hi, how are you?

So I have been looking for a long term thing for quite some time and have gotten kind of discouraged with looking for the time being. Due to the lack of getting any while looking long term, I am more looking for a friends with benefits or no strings attached sexual fun for the time being. Anything from I’ll show you mine if you show me yours to a full out romp in the bed sheets and anything in between. You call all the shots, entirely at your pace and level if you would be interested in a little play. I’m not opposed if something long term were to develop, just isn’t my main focus right now.

I would like to know if you would be interested at all, even if its temporary till you find what you are looking for? If not please just let me know!

Thanks Dear!
(Name Removed)”

**

I am very glad my reader didn’t respond.   How rude is this message?!  “You’re not what I’m looking for in a relationship, but you’ll do so I can get laid.”?????  And then he continues to say let him know EITHER WAY if she’s interested or not?!   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!   I think it goes without saying that a lack of response would indicate she’s not interested.

Some guys need to think more upstairs than downstairs.  For real.

Oh boys and their ways of trying to impress women..

“that’s too bad you’re not interested in casual sex, i have a huge horse cock”

For starters:   Doubtful..   I have a feeling if I was interested in having him prove this statement, I would bet at least ten dollars that I would be disappointed.

Let’s pretend, however, that this is factual.   No thank you, even more so.  That just sounds painful.   To me, at least, a “huge horse cock” is not a selling point.  My girly parts are wincing just thinking about it.

It is funny though, that he clearly read through that casual sex is not what I am looking for – but messaged anyway to see if he could change my mind.

Sorry dude.

I got a message today on the Meat Market from someone who, according to his user name, thinks he has “Swagga.”   I don’t know if that is generally something people want themselves defined as – but, to each his own.

“U r adorable..and i like what u said in ur profile..do we have to date to enjoy and have fun..im a prty guy also love corona and or remmie..and only good green cush and purp..i like big trucks and and 4wheelers in the mud.. i like out doors but also like to just smoke drink and if i click with the perso. Long periods of sex. Good mutual pleasured sex….so thats sum of me in a nutshell..anything else just ask”

I will throw out there once again that I can be pretty naive,  but I am not quite sure what he means by “green cush and purp.”   Is that a drug reference?

But – oh my goodness – he is a MAN who likes SEX?!   (And one who would prefer to skip the dating part and go right to it?)    That is unheard of.   Madness, I tell you,  utter madness!  I have never encountered such a thing before in any of my lives.  He must be lying,  all the men I know hate sex.

Oh America – what’s wrong with you?  Our poor, poor future.

I know I’ve mentioned before that if someone is old enough to be my parent, I am going to either ignore them, or respectfully decline their advances.   Part of me wishes that OKCupid would stop users outside of the age range one is looking for from messaging you..  but, if someone a year out of those guidelines messaged me – it’s not a deal-breaker..  so I’m torn.

“I like to know you better if you are serious & ready to settle down”

“While I feel ready to be serious and settle down,  I don’t feel it’s appropriate to engage in any chatter with you, as you are old enough to be my father.  Sorry, I’m not interested..  but good luck to you!”

“so what is age? It is a number, I can still get my dick hard & that is what you like, right? do you like to get fucked in the ass?”

Excuse me while I go vomit..

Seriously!?  Do men EVER grow up?

“id like to travle to ur vagina?”

I love reading this in the form of a question – which is how it’s presented – because in my head it just sounds even more ridiculous.

Guys – TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!   If you don’t at least appear to have a high school level of intelligence,  the chances of you getting any greatly diminishes.

Wait.. I’m sorry..  am I using words that are too big?

For real – did this guy even pass elementary school?