I have nothing for you today of my own, but I just want to point out that the man behind It’s Not A Match (dot com) is one of my favorite people ever that I have never met.. In the least creepy way possible.
Seriously… he just gets me.
Please do me a favor, and excuse my lack of hilarity for tonight and read his hilarity instead.
Latest It’sNotAMatch.com Blog Entry.
And…. I want to marry him. That is all.
“Hello, I am wondering if I could hire you to preform a sexual favor on me. My sexual favor would involve you pleasuring me using Swiss cheese. Due to the exotic nature of this fetish, I am willing to provide some very nice compensation for your services. To give you a little back ground on what I am asking for, here is a brief explanation. What I would have you do is wrap slices of Swiss cheese around my penis, then once a good amount of cheese was wrapped around my penis, I would have you slowly stroke me until I climax. Like I mentioned, this is quite different and quite exotic, so please be open-minded to the context of mixing cheese with sex. At no time would I expect or want you to eat the cheese, and besides paying you for your services, I am also open to providing you with sexual pleasure if you so desire on top of payment for services rendered. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this fetish, while sounding weird is really quite fun, and easy to do. Also be aware that fetish should only take about 20 to 30 minutes from start to finish. So if I sparked your interest, and your looking to make some extra cash, please get back to me, and we can discuss further details. Thank you for your consideration.”
My question is: Why swiss?
Oh people of the internet.. Why do you continuously surprise me?
….And his username is LovesSwiss…. Oh wow.
“u look edible”
Well.. that certainly isn’t a message I have received before. I figured this just had to be good..
“Are you a vampire?”
(Hey.. you never know..)
“no but i like to lick”
“So, I don’t look edible.. I look lickable?”
I understand lickable is not a word.. but, it was necessary to create it, in my opinion.
“yes :)”
“Okay then.. Thanks?”
“I hope I get the pleasure.”
“You won’t. I am confused as to why you think I would be okay with that. Care to enlighten?”
“I never met anyone that didn’t like it.”
“You go up and lick random strangers often?”
“no”
“Then your statement can’t be proven.”
“u r correct”
“Usually.”
“How was your day?”
And.. at that, I am done. My day doesn’t need to be described to someone looking for a piece of meat.
Was I just offered a free trip!?
“hi I read your profile and I noticed you like to travel. I travel a lot as well, mostly to Thailand where I get my dick sucked and have a lot of anal sex. I was wondering if you want to travel there with me and get your libido satisfied?”
I am quite sure I could find a way to get my libido satisfied at any bar in America, or online dating even. I certainly don’t really even need to leave city limits for this.
And honestly.. I think very few people dislike traveling… Come on.
“rawr hey there baby cakes whats a beautiful girl like you doing this evening? ; ) Come with me to dairy queen and I’ll get you a Blizzard. Not super sized though cause thats 50 cents extra and I dont know you like that. also you’ll have to pay for my gas cause you live kinda far. but play your cards right angel face and I might sex you up who knows.”
Rawr, indeed. I seriously hope I play my cards right! Except it’s a bit chilly for ice cream, so for that reason alone, I have decided meeting up for ice cream isn’t in the cards. So, my dreams of being sexed up tonight are not happening. C’est La Vie.
“.…swelling to taste what’s tantalizing, with my wet-clay molding tongue, like a high rope trapeze artist, synchronized with the twilight monarch, twirling in knots and then unfurling from a new cocoon, in violet satin, in the crevices of desire and wetness…. trembling slightly to tickle the senses of not only my tangy rose tongue buds but your sweetly erogenous zones, of your mind, your spirit, of passion and fulfillment… waxing and willing, to smoothly slide and massage like a tropical erosion on a brilliant beach that reaches to the ocean as if to god… wrinkling and sighing like the vapors on the sea, or is it a mirage?
…delicately dreaming of my hands, my body, my entire essence…. all over you, safe and securely and…. we could be one…. sexually and so tastefully…. this is fate…. indeed”
…That’s… fascinating..? Save the “poetry” for when you actually know someone and know they will appreciate it.
Just.So.Weird.
After you are online dating for too long with no results… you start to go a little crazy:
“really like your profile, it is very honest and real, you just cut straight to the details. In addition I like the rest of the profile as well, I was once told to be completely honest right away with a girl so here it is I think you are very beautiful and your eyes and smile are like a chiquita banana (haha just let me explain) they say that the Chiquita banana could quite possibly be the most perfect food in the world and I think that your eyes and smile could quite possiby be the most perfect ones in the world but I am not saying your fruity I would have to get to know you before I come to that conclusion(haha). I wrote you this to show you that I am honest, funny,real, and not your typical guy, I am, a bit old fashion when it comes to treating a lady like a lady, I hope to hear from you soon”
Wow..
I find it amusing that he thinks he is a bit “old fashion” after comparing me to a Chiquita banana, and almost calling me “fruity.” It’s also really cute that he thinks he’s funny.
“You’re super cute and fucking awesome :)”
Well – both of these are actually true, so I decided to write back.
“Thanks! I agree.”
“You’re welcome. Im guessing youre not interested”
“Oh. Okay.”
Guys – if you decide for a girl that she isn’t interested, she shouldn’t be interested. I totally get that I didn’t really give him anything to work with, but in my defense – he didn’t give me much to work with either.
“Haha or are you? I just thought the attitude was a signal”
The attitude?! I didn’t realize I used my attitude font. I thought I was agreeing with what he had to say.. If someone is agreeing with you, I think more often than not it’s a good thing.. Maybe I’m off base..
You guys do need to quit with the whole guessing someone isn’t interested bit, though.. or at least telling the person that theory. Nothing stops me in my tracks faster.
Some people looking for love online are looking for people to date, or for something casual. Some are looking for someone with an awesome personality. Some are looking for their soul mate… And others are online dating to find something else- and feel the need to only ask the most important question on every man’s mind:
“Hey! I read your profile. Do you like giving roadhead? ?”
You, too, could win yourself a beautiful girlfriend – all by just making someone online you find attractive feel like a piece of meat. — Do you think not getting road head is his only deal breaker?
Please don’t tell me it’s time for all the boys to start howling at the moon, again..
On September 30th, I got a message on my “fake” POF account that said:
“Dear Snake Charmer…. (remember I have a photo of me holding a snake..)
Love to meet you for soda, tea, cognac or what ever.
Timothy
p/s I threw a full bottle of horse radish at a neighbor’s cat trying to walk into my kitchen door this morning.
I missed the cat, but I broke the jar of horse radish..
Obviously I hate cats..and have dated my share of girls with them!
I prefer only one pussy in my bed! T2″
I should also specify that on my fake POF profile, I bring up my dislike for cats. (The profile itself is pretty vague.)
Even if this guy was in my area, and not hundreds of miles away – the lame pussy joke that I have gotten over and over is stupid.. Not to mention is man is TWENTY YEARS my senior.
Today.. I got part two.. (Which also happens to be his POF profile text..)
“OK….my second note to you..Better Block me!
Do you have a phucking clue what you are looking for?
Would you know him
if you saw him on the street?
Would you know him
if you woke up with him?
Would you know him,
if he was deep inside of you?
if He was Me?
Would you be petty and nit pick stupidities,as you have done so many times before.
Mister Perfect. Sure.
Lose the Good, in search of The Better..
Be intersted in booze and snooze and music groups, and football teams, and other stupidies ripping the seams..?
Looking for a Diamond, when you have a chunk of Gold?
And shit, winter is upon us, and nights will be Cold!
And the sheets hard and stiff, when with the right stiff lover, sheets could be wet and warm all winter long. How can you phuck this guy up??? You have done it before, you can phuck it all up again. Yes, this guy on the screen..you are reading him. He is actually just fine.
Wake Up, don’t lose another good man! Chrissake..how can you look so sharp, and be so stupid.
Tell it like it is!
You have missed plenty of opportunities with good guys who really were just fine, but You always had to just be perfect, and blow off another good guy, when you could have been perfectly happy, being accepting him and just blowing him.
Well, here we have a nearly perfect guy. Moi.
Healthy, except for a broken leg from skiiing in Switzerland. No bad habits, no excess baggage no dirty laundry no ex-wives in the closet.., no gambling debts, no drugs, He actually has a great home and a good job! Oh but, he shaves his head, oh but he is too stuffy and listens to opera, oh but he cooks really well, is a great dresser, and good party host and..yes, he is so good at night, afternoon and early in the morning..perhaps even for his age, he may just screw you more and better than you are used to…
but, but, he is so much older than you are…
so let’s just call that the Deal Breaker..
and move back to some Country Music College Boy,
with a backwards baseball hat,
who has spent last night
balling your best friend,
Pat..
Yeah..better just delete this guy..and just move on…”
So. Many. Thoughts… Which probably don’t need to be typed because you already know how ridiculous this is.
I will leave you with this: Did a 47 year old man really just spell “fucking” with a PH?! And did I misinterpret.. or is name both Timothy and Pat?
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Soon2BeCatLady