Tag Archives: online dating fail

Out-Witted

29 Jun

For those of you that got to hear my segment on Up And At “Em with Jack and Ben last week, you already know I received this as a first online dating message:

“Girl are you a tube of pillsbury cinnamon rolls because I want to bang you on the counter.”

I’ll give the guy this:  I laughed out loud..  loudly.

For those of you who I know are going to comment that I should date this guy…  I can’t.    The reasons are three-fold.

1)  He’s too young for me.

2)  He lives too far away.

and probably most importantly:

3)  He is way funnier than I am, and I am very distraught that I have been unable to craft an equally hilarious response.

 

 

 

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Extremely Kinky

27 Jun

“Hey how’s it going?  Saw your profile and wanted to say hello and see if you felt like chatting at all.  If you want to feel free to message me back!  Also if you don’t mind me asking but what’s the most private thing you’ve done.  I mean that sexually.  I only want to know because I am an extremely kinky person.”

“How very kind of you to grant me permission to respond to you if I so desired!  You should be given a medal for your chivalry!  — If I shared with you the most private thing I have done sexually, I am afraid it wouldn’t be private anymore, and I just can’t have that.  But, I must comment on the rarity of your type.  A 22 year old male who considers himself kinky?!  Unheard of!”

“Thanks.  Well I’m extremely kinky.”

And perhaps extremely stupid, as well, as he proceeded to ask if I would do things to him with a strap-on.  (I’ll be the first to admit I’m probably not the kinkiest person on the planet… but.. is that really an “extremely kinky” request?   I mean, I’ve definitely had weirder requests.)

But, seriously, you guys..  I HAVE FOUND THE ONLY KINKY 22 YEAR OLD MALE ALIVE!   Do I get a prize?

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Actually – I Have Seven.

23 Jun

“Pussy!”

“Did you just call me a pussy?”

“Just saying you have one and I bet it’s wonderful.”

 

I would challenge this individual to try this method of picking up girls in public, and to film said attempt for my viewing pleasure.    Or ladies, perhaps try the opposite by messaging, or approaching someone and yelling “DICK!”   Bet they wouldn’t be on the defense at all.

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Shorthand Text

12 Jun

I get that when it comes to smart phones, texting and social media – shorthand can be helpful, and sometimes necessary.  But shortening up every word seems as though it would take a lot of work, is difficult to read, and makes you appear uneducated.

“u look to good”

“Thank you.”   (Why I bothered, I have no idea..)

“but i really need to get to no u

can u b my good looking friend”

“You also really need to learn how to spell.. No offense.”

“i no mhow to spell i just dont like textn words so i shortn umup”

You will not convince me for one second that it would have taken longer to actually write/type out these words.  If he was on a smartphone, which, if “sent from mobile” is any indication.. I am sure auto-correct was attempting to have a hay-day with this nonsense.

“so wats good wit u iam not about to act all proper to tlk to u”

What!?   Fellas –  you can’t tell a girl that you HAVE to get to “no” her, and then essentially tell her that you’re not going to play by her rules to do so.   Not that I ever said that he had to “act all proper” to talk to me, but if he’s going to make my brain hurt to interact with him – No thanks.

…He “doesn’t like to text words“…

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