Full Disclosure: This blog post is likely going to offend someone out there. If that’s you, and you want to clarify/discuss/yell at me – It’s pretty easy to get in contact with me.
The other day, I came across a guy online dating who I really liked. He was charming, witty and adorable. We discussed boring first dates that we are both fed up with, our jobs and the first things we’d do when we win the lottery. Half way into our hour long discussion, he suggested that we meet up at some point and I was quick to agree that I was up for that.
We continued chatting, and I asked him how he could possibly be this amazing and single, besides? Maybe I wouldn’t die alone with cats after all.
“Well.. I’m not exactly single.”
Ugh. As it turns out, he and his girlfriend are poly-amorous. (Meaning: They are both free to see and/or sleep with other people, no problem.)
I will be the first to admit that I do not understand that mindset in the slightest, so I asked some questions. Most notably: “Don’t you ever get jealous?” which was answered with a “Not really, we have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ arrangement.”
Ick. Nothing feels right about this at all. When he asked when I wanted to meet up, I told him that I didn’t want to anymore. I think what angers me the most about this whole situation is that he then tried to pressure me. I think I understand why he tried to pressure me into meeting – I would assume it’s much easier for her to find other partners than him.. I could be wrong. I explained that no matter how this goes, it ends badly:
I could decide to adopt this philosophy temporarily (which, I could never..) and the jealousy would immediately kick in. “You got a promotion at work? That’s great! Does the other woman know? You told her first? Oh..” (I would not be able to do the “Don’t Ask” bit well..) And at some point, I’d want to be married and have a husband who does not see other people. Either I end up hurt because this would never be, or the current girlfriend gets hurt.
I could go against my gut and meet him for the sake of meeting him. (This one is more realistic.) Given that I would never be a part of a poly-amorous relationship, what likely would happen is that we’d get along great and have good chemistry — and I’d end up hurt. When I brought this one up, he tried to debunk my “feeling hurt” because he would feel hurt, also. I reminded him that he would have loving arms to snuggle into. (All I’d have are my imaginary cats.)
Here’s where I am probably going to tick some people off: Dating is difficult. It is not easy to find someone who you understands you and wants to be with you (and vice versa!) Honestly, I find it insulting that there are people out there who find someone that they mesh well with, want to be with, and yet somehow think they are entitled to more. What makes you so deserving of more love and affection? (This goes for cheaters, as well.) They’ve just made more competition for those of us struggling to find just one person. It’s also insulting to essentially be asked to be 2nd place in someone’s life (aside from children, of course.)
#$*!@^ Cats, here I come.
Soon2BeCatLady 
I totally agree with you on not wanting any part of poly. I had a giant disclaimer on my OKC page stating I’m not at all interested in a poly relationship. There’s a TON of poly guys and girls in Oregon BTW.
The only part I don’t agree with is the selfish part. Yes, it sounds selfish – but if it works for them (and it NEVER seems to in the end anyway) then good for them. Move on, and put a disclaimer on your profile asking that Poly folks don’t even bother contacting you. Most of them are respectful enough to heed your warning.
Ack! I would never want to be someone’s “second”. ME FIRST! (talk about selfish lol)
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Ehh.. I don’t know about a disclaimer.. Really, if you mention “poly” in your profile, you will turn up for people searching for “poly.” If this is the first time it’s happened in 4 years, I’m not too worried. At least he was kind enough to mention it when asked.
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I get requests from poly folks all the time too. I put a request in my profile not to be contacted by them too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
What you’re saying is a fairly common gripe from monogamous people about poly people. I think it works best if poly people just stick to finding other people who are poly or people who are at least interested in trying it out. He definitely shouldn’t have pressured you.
But how they feel is not really your business otherwise. Their sexuality is like being gay, bi or asexual. It’s just how they are and it’s not selfish of them to be who they are.
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As someone in a poly relationship the last thing I would ever do is pressure someone not interested in that situation to go out of a date with me. It certainly is not for everyone… heck I have days where I’m not sure it’s for me. Not to speak for everyone, because that’s not fair, but jealousy is something that totally comes up in a lot of poly relationships and as in all healthy relationships usually best worked out by talking things through and having conversations about peoples feelings… like a lot. So the whole don’t ask, don’t tell policy this guy has going, I don’t think is healthy and have personally never seen that work out well for a poly relationship.
I totally understand the seeming selfish thing, I often feel like maybe I’m being selfish when I ask other guys on dates. (Funny as I’m pretty sure I’m not selfish, given I’m willing to share the man I love with someone else ha ha) But then again I’ve seen so many serious “monogamous” relationships ruined by cheating. I just feel like it’s better (for me) if someone would be open about their interest in someone else. That way you can explore what exactly is going on and take the correct course of action without ultimately finding out your partner has been cheating and feeling dejected and unloved. I personally don’t think someone can and should be someone else’s everything. Usually friends can fill those extra voids but that’s not always the case.
I suppose also I’m not looking to get married or too serious in the near future as I plan on moving in a couple years so that could play into my feelings.
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Who cares who might not like your opinion and I agree 1000% and will likely never understand these types of relationships.
Seriously, what is it- do you just want to maintain some semblance of freedom that a monogamous situation doesn’t allow? Are you happy with someone but figure there’s a buffet of people, ready for the taking so why not?
The good news in all of this is….. he told you. But on the other hand, what did his profile say?? Not single, not looking or what because I think you would have shut him down Pronto if he’d disclosed this before the messaging began.
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I’ve never run into this myself, but I can’t imagine myself wanting to be part of it. Whether that’d be a relationship, dating or casual sex. I don’t even think I would enjoy a threesome (huge male fantasy I think) if I knew one of the participants was in a relationship.
Perhaps that’s a very traditional view on things, but it would just be so weird.
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I’m with you on this one. When did this even become a “thing”? To me, it’s just another manifestation of the adhd effect that technology has had on our culture. I don’t get it. But if two women are willing to share one guy, at least that takes two women off “the market” as opposed to one. 😉
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I’m poly and that guy should have his poly status on his profile. It’s not ok not to disclose it to potential dates upfront.
I fully support you shooting him down — if poly isn’t for you then DON’T DO IT. Every good poly person I know would rather be turned down in that instance, because otherwise it’s going to end up with everyone hurt.
(It doesn’t sound like this was a good poly — he lied about jealousy; there’s plenty of jealousy in a poly relationship, we’re still human – he has a “don’t ask don’t tell’ policy, which I’ve never seen work and is usually tried by people who want to screw around, not people who are poly – he pressured you…)
However… having one partner doesn’t mean it’s not just as hard to get over another. People aren’t replaceable — if you lose a friend it hurts no matter how many others you have. And just because someone has a partner doesn’t mean they’re asking you to be secondary. Some poly people do do this — it’s called hierarchal poly — but by far not all. None of my partners is “first” to me. I love and respect all of them.
Plus what makes me so special is realizing that why shouldn’t I be? I’m not hurting anyone, in fact I’m making myself and my partners happy — isn’t that the point of a relationship? And I’m not making any more competition for anyone because PEOPLE AREN’T COMMODITIES! Just like I’m not stealing a possibility from gay men because two of my partners are bi.
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When I was in school, I interviewed a local couple who were pretty popular around town for one of my journalism classes. They’re the same way. He said it was because he’d been cheated on before but he was the one with more partners than her. I kept asking questions to see if I could eventually get it but it never clicked for me. Like you said, it just seems entitled and selfish. Dating is the pits lol.
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If you encounter someone with this arrangement with his girlfriend, RUN, RUN and NEVER LOOK BACK, run as fast as you can which ever way possible. Just the thought of having such arrangement with your loved one is just plain horrible. But still there are people who are like that. It’s a condition that should be fixed ASAP. There’s a reason why a “couple” means two, a “partner” means two, etc.
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“It’s also insulting to essentially be asked to be 2nd place in someone’s life (aside from children, of course.)”
I think an healthy family situation is where the kids know that they ARE second place to one’s spouse. Not that one would neglect one’s children to the detriment of their well-being, but they need to know that the stability of their family hinges on the stability of the relationship between their parents. They need to know that they can’t drive a wedge between their parents to manipulate things in their perceived favour. My kids know that they are loved greatly, but they know that they came from a greater love. My spouse and I know that when the kids have moved out, we will have a strong relationship in which to continue our life.
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Hey catlady! 🙂
I’ve been silently reading your blog for a while and I think it is really funny, however I must say that I am quite a bit disappointed with this post. You said yourself that you think it is going to be offensive and for someone like me, who lives a poly lifestyle it really kinda is. More than that however your last paragraph made me sad.
I don’t mean to insult you or question your response. I must say the guy sounded like a bit of a jerk to me as well, there are some people who have “Don’t ask, don’t tell” agreements, but while it might work for a minority, most people within the poly community look at that with scepticism – How are you going to affirm after all that his gf is actually okay with the situation if you are not allowed to speak with her about it? Also nobody should try to pressure you into trying a relationship concept you don’t think will work for you.
That being said, as stated earlier, I think you went overboard by saying that people in a poly relationship are selfish. I think it is very interesting that you seem to think that people who are in a relationship with more than one person are taking something away from you. It says a lot about your – and many other people’s – approach to love and frankly it makes you sound very bitter.
In the poly world this is often referred to as the “scarcity of love”-Model, meaning that you are under the impression that love is a finite, scarce thing and you therefore need to grab as much of it for yourself as you can before someone takes it away. Further up someone commented about treating people as commodities and that is exactly the point I think. There is a thought of possession behind it, but obviously nobody else can ever belong to you nor do you belong to someone.
We all want affirmation and love and care from out partners, but do we really have to monopolize on them in order to achieve it? Personally, I believe in abundance of love. I think myself capable of loving more than one person, and no, I don’t think I am being selfish or taking more than my “fair share of love” – every relationship after all consist of giving and taking, or doesn’t it? I also trust my partners to be able to love me and another person. It might be a step out of the comfort zone but I think it is well worth it.
You write that you think it insulting someone should ask you to be their second partner. Well, someone decided you were worth being invited into their life and they disclosed the circumstances this would be under – as it is your right you chose to decline the offer. I don’t see the insult here. Btw, not every poly relationship makes hierarchical distinctions like that, some consider their relationships to be equal. And even if they don’t, the position of a secondary partner must not be a bad one. I think we all know the type of relationship where you do really like one but can simply not imagine living together or having a family or even a very close relationship – it does not always work the same with everyone, people are different.
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I appreciate your note. That post was definitely fueled by frustration regarding that particular situation. It certainly wasn’t meant to be offensive.
Different worldviews, of course. Maybe you could come on a podcast sometime. 🙂
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