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Disturbing..

25 Apr

So – apparently this is not an original, but goes around from time to time..    It’s absolutely disgusting, and the part that probably bothers me most is that someone actually at one point created this.

“I would strangle a moose with a 3 foot long piece of dental floss, gut it with my teeth and use the hide as a coat, then climb Mt. Everest barefoot while listening to Justin Bieber and cannibalizing on my climbing partner to survive with 10,000 volt shock-clamps attached to my nipples just to have a 1% chance to be able to eat a crusty piece of dried vaginal secretion from a pair of your panties from 6 years ago that had never been washed.”

Seriously.  Dear any guy who feels the same way:   Girls wash their clothes.  A lot.  Get a normal fetish and move on with your life.

Guarantee

24 Apr

“i can play your body like a finely tuned instrument – either the most pristine acoustic or highly charged electric instrument… i guarantee at least 2 climaxes for you. and i’ll leave quietly when we are done – it’s up to you let me know if we should meet again after that. 😉

if you are interested in a passionate and unforgettable experience, please give me a call at ***-***-****.”

I find it quite interesting that he thinks he can guarantee such things..   but I am sure this is another form letter.   Is he not afraid of STDs??   I certainly would be..

Copy and Paste Response

23 Apr

Pulled from the reported messages folder – this one is pretty good:

“Hello

I’m guessing my previous message got lost in the sea of “hey, how are you?” or “you’re so beautiful!!!” messages, so to make things easier, I decided to write up a quick copy-paste response for you so that we may get over this hump and continue on our exchange of witty banter. Just select which ever applies and I’ll respond accordingly.

1. Hey [username]! I’m sorry, I’ve just been extremely busy. I’m glad you wrote me back and I can’t wait to start talking to you… and you’re very cute.
2. Hey Hey Hey [username]! I’m sorry, my cat accidentally bit my monitor cable, and by the time I got a new one, your message must have slipped into the abyss, and I had no idea that you messaged me… and you’re very sexy.
3. Hey Hey Hey [username]!!I’m sorry, it’s just that I couldn’t believe such an amazing gentleman exists, and I’m convinced you’re just a robot sitting behind a monitor sending all these random messages out to women… and you’re very sexy.
4. I don’t find any of this funny. I take myself way too seriously and think you’re out of your mind… but you’re very sexy.

I look forward to hearing from you again. “

Not a bad overall message,   it definitely shows his humor.   I totally would have chosen one, maybe altered it a little, and responded.   I am curious to see what his response would have been.

Oh well.

A Woman for #31 & “Deal-Breakers”

22 Apr

Obviously I refer to #31 every so often, so if you aren’t familiar, please go back and read this.    I think pretty highly of this guy.

So, I haven’t even told him this yet.. (Hi #31!)  but I was cruisin’ OKCupid on his page searching for chicks for him.   He did once tell me that he is looking for someone like J (my friend who contributes a bunch to the blog.)  and even though I have no idea how to find a carbon copy of J –  I decided to look.

I came across a girl who probably isn’t at all like J, but very cute and seems to have a very confident personality, much like #31 himself.     According to OKCupid, they are an 87% match, 80% friend and a 12% enemy.

I almost messaged her for him… but, then came across this:

“You should message me if:

I would rather this say “don’t message me if”. And this would be my answer:

·You are a super religious
·You go to the gym more than four times per week
·You are shorter than 5’10
·You smoke pot or cigarettes
·You have children
·You are very politically conservative

I’m sure there are a few things I’ve forgotten, I’ll be sure to add them as I go. Yes, I am picky. You should be too!

This is the beauty of online dating. I can put all of my deal breakers on the table so neither of us has to waste our time. You’re welcome.”

*

…Woah…

I agree.. but only sort of.    I totally think that you can have a better handle on if something would work or not based on an online profile,  but – I will go on record as saying I know a guy who is 100% perfect for me on paper..  but in reality – not at all.

We all have deal-breakers.. and that’s okay..  but, I think we are more adaptable than we realize.    Before I ever started dating, I vowed I would NEVER date a smoker.. but, then I started seeing a guy and he charmed me in other ways that the smoking wasn’t so much of a deal breaker anymore.   I say that kids are a deal breaker, but really-  it depends on the guy.

And really, in the end, don’t we all end up with someone we never would have pictured ourselves with?   I think what we want and what we need are two completely different things.

I contemplated messaging her anyway- but she had the red light of death, and #31 holds more than one of her deal breakers..  So, I didn’t bother..  Oh well, on to the next.

A Long Thick Problem!?!

21 Apr

Just cuz, I figured I’d throw in a bonus post today..

“hello there. how are you doing. your beautiful smile and pictures got my attention. you gave me warm feelings, now i have long thick hard problem.
you look lovely and sssooo young, whats the secret ? smiles”

 

Eww..  T.M.I.   I really have no words for this one.  All I can do is shake my head.

Online Dating Tips

21 Apr

Sadly, those of you who read this on a regular basis probably don’t need this advice.. but I do often see what people search in google when they find my website, and some of that is disturbing…  So, on the chance that one of those may make their way to this post – I have decided to post some online dating tips.   They are in random order, and I request that my loyal followers comment their own as well!

1)  Pussylicker69  or anything along those lines is NOT a good online dating profile name.

2) You need a photo of yourself..  And not all photos can be you in a hat and/or wearing sunglasses.   We need to see your hair, and most importantly, we need to see your eyes.

3) Don’t solicit for sex.. that’s what Craiglist “Casual Encounters” section is for.  (And don’t use that if you are in a relationship.)

4) A message you write once and then copy and paste to everyone else is NOT okay.   This is called a form letter.

5)  “How are you?”  is not a good first message..  Girls get lots of those.

6) No pictures of your junk, for cryin’ out loud!

7)  Even after much back and forth messaging, it’s still not okay to turn into a pig, unless the girl does first.

 

That’s all I have for now… add your own!  Let’s make online dating a better place to be looking!

Sir, You Will Not Be Dominating Anything of Mine

19 Apr

“Man I would love to completely dominate your pussy. Lick and suck your clit.fatal domination on your pussy. Do you want a good time and a sensual fuck!”

Fatal domination?  You know, I am not really partial to anything fatal of any kind.    Especially in that region..

Talk about another case of why cats are going to soon take over the world.. and, I mean the “Meow” kind, and not the pussy kind.   (However, we could probably figure the pussy type has long owned the world.)

Common Sense

17 Apr

Online dating shouldn’t be rocket science.    Seriously!   You go online, actually read a profile, look at photos and determine if you think you’d like the person.   If so, send a message that is preferably NOT a form letter.  If not, move along to the next.   Have discussions, ask questions and get offline in a reasonable time to determine if there’s “the spark” or whatever.     (I put quotes around “the spark” because I don’t necessarily believe it’s always there immediately.  I take awhile to determine if there is a spark, personally.)

I got this message:

“Hey I’m Luke not sure if I’m your type but just stopping by to say hi ;)”

Okay..  short and to the point..  I get it.   Guys don’t receive messages back far more often than girls – so they have to send a higher amount to actually get a response.  Because of this, they get lazy and send the same message to everyone.   Fine..  I will still complain about it, and still blog about it.. But, I get it.

So what’s my issue, then?   This guy’s profile has absolutely ZERO information about him.    Well geez, Luke..  I don’t know if you’re my type either.  I know absolutely nothing about you, other than your first name and what your face looks like.   I have nothing to work with – therefore, I am going to just go out on a limb and guess that you are NOT my type.

Good grief, online daters..  Common sense would indicate have SOMETHING on your profile if you really expect to hear back from people.

Celebrity

15 Apr

Today’s post is a rant.. and it goes out to both guys and girls alike.

A friend of mine sent me a dating profile today of a girl who apparently thinks she looks like one of the girls on the TV show “Glee.”   Another instance where someone probably once told her that (she has the same hair color, and style..) and she ran with it.

People – do you really think you are fooling anyone when you post a photo of a celebrity as yourself?    And what are you doing on a dating website anyway?  If you were to meet up with someone, they definitely wouldn’t recognize you.

The funny thing about the profile that was sent over to me is that she had photos of herself too.   Again – probably was told once that she looks like her.   But,  if someone didn’t know the star, or couldn’t tell that the photos were obviously professional – they may think she just happens to clean up really nice..

Photos you try to pass off as yourself are only good on Facebook Doppelganger day.

Google Voice

14 Apr

I have often mentioned Google Voice on the blog, and felt it necessary to also provide an infomercial to you on it – because if you are online dating, or finding people at bars –  I think it is a necessity, and too many people don’t know what it is.

Google Voice is free.  (http://www.google.com/voice)    You sign up and get a phone number.   It has a set up similar to e-mail, and you program the google voice number to go to your cell phone, your home phone, your work phone, all of the above, or whatever.   Your regular phone number still works.

So – you meet someone online.  You give them your Google Voice number.   If they call or text it,  it still gets to you.   Although there are SEVERAL features of which I love about Google Voice- the most important is this:    Let’s say I give that number out and the guy gets weird.   I log onto my GV account, and click “Block this number.”     If he texts, I won’t ever receive it.   If he calls, he will hear “We’re sorry, but this number has been disconnected.”    I am never hesitant to give out this number because of this.

Other features of Google Voice which I love:

–  You can screen your calls and make the caller say their name when calling.   When you answer the phone it says “Call from [recorded name], to accept press 1, to send to voicemail, press 2.”    — Let’s say you send them to voicemail (which is separate from your actual voicemail on your “real” number, by the way.)    You can hang on the line and listen to it while the caller is recording the message.   If you deem it important-  you can actually connect the call.

–  You can RECORD calls.  Have a problem on your hands?  You can have evidence.

– You can text from your account online.   This has come in handy for me when I have left my phone at home, or my phone needs to be put away.

– There is a “Do Not Disturb” feature.   Turn it on, and calls won’t be transferred to your phone.  Instead, it will go right to voicemail.

– Cheap international calling.

– Voicemails are transcribed and texted to you if you want them to be.   And all voicemails and texts are saved for you on the account online too.

….Have you seriously not signed up yet?!   (Again -it’s free!!   No, I am not paid by Google..  but I’d like to be!)

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