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Shirtless Bathroom Selfie

9 Dec

Based on the title, it should be no surprise to you that today’s interaction is with a shirtless bathroom selfie dude.

“Hello there :)”

“Where’s your shirt?!”


He really should be lucky that I responded at all.  I don’t often waste my time with ‘hello’ messages.


“I know right lol but how are you”

“That didn’t answer my question!”

“Fuck your question if you like it move along basic ass female”


Well, that made no sense… Nevertheless, I’m sure Mom is so proud.

Tips to Maximize Your Online Dating Experience

3 Jan

I’ve been told that the best time to online date is the first couple weeks in January.  This makes sense, of course:  New Years Resolutions.  Often times, we singletons pledge to work harder to fall in love.   After that first few weeks of the new year, most newbies are scared away.  (I would assume this is either due to crazy messages, or no messages.)

But, behold:  The ‘girl who’s probably going to die alone with cats’ tips to maximize your experience!

Continue reading

An Online Dating Christmas Tale

26 Dec

Cat Lady and Crazy:

like Tequila and lime

(and I warn in advance that

this will be in rhyme)


Hope your Christmas was jolly

Now go grab a beer

As you read with delight

a tale of great “cheer.”




Twas the evening of Christmas

as I sat all alone

No one to snuggle

No sweetheart to phone


No boyfriend from Santa

which was this year’s wish

Not even a message

on Plenty of Fish.


So I sat on the couch

to watch some T.V.

And wished for that boy

who was meant just for me.


“Oh well, that’s okay,

for I’m doing just fine.”

I said to myself

as I sipped on my wine.


But Hark!  What is this?

A message on ‘Cupid!

I thought to myself,

“Tis bound to be stupid!”


I wondered “Why me?”

Said “Your eyes played a factor.”

I thanked him.  He offered

“Want to ride on my tractor?


I am fine alone

To me it doesn’t matter

Another year gone..

At least I’m not fatter!


Oh boy!  A new message!

How high I must rank!

But alas, he compared me

to a fruit he would spank.


I checked out my Quiver

One seemed quite the catch

But my name to his markings

was nary a match.


Oh boyfriend, come quick

For my loins be an itchin’

Okay – I’m just kidding

but ain’t these rhymes bitchin’?


Then Tinder did ping

as I swiped right my thumb

Twas a gentleman caller

looking for a three-some.


And then came a message

with atrocious grammar

I knew right away:

A Nigerian scammer.


Online dating is sketchy

and a pain in my ass!

But here’s to 2014

Let us all raise a glass!


So friends of my blog

Come back for the fun

And I wish you good luck

in your quest for “The One!”


(If you need some more rhymes

cuz face it – they’re bomb.

Check out my inspiration


Online Dating Faux Pas

13 Aug

I’m sad I have to blog this, because I thought it would be common knowledge – but since I came across it today, apparently it is not.

As you online-daters know,  OKCupid has somewhat of a “News Feed” on your home page, which shows you what users have added photos, or added something to their profile.

Now, I have always told you that having a photo with a member of the opposite sex on your online dating profile is a bad idea..  But, a user uploaded one of these with the caption:

“this pic was taken back in 2006 for my Ex girlfriends prom (sigh) Miss that girl sum times.  We were together for 4 years…… I just hope she’s happy and finds what she’s looking for and I hope she knows that I will always love her.”

1)  Again – pictures with a member of the opposite gender are NOT a good idea.. ESPECIALLY if that person is an ex!

2)  Pictures from 2006 are NOT acceptable.   Hell, pictures from 2011 are not acceptable at this point.

3) If you publicly announce in your profile that you are still in love with your ex, your online dating journey will be a boring one.  No one is going to message you, or respond to your messages.

4)  Let’s pretend everything I’ve said so far is bullshit..  You clearly screwed up big time back in 2006, or whenever it was that this girl clearly dumped you.   What did you do?!

5)  Prom?  Really? … And you’re 30 years old..  Really?


I Don’t Want to See Your Pussy

14 Sep

Fellow online daters:   What the crap is your deal with posting photos of your cats and dogs?   (Or your car, or your food.. etc. etc. etc. – for that matter.)   Last I checked, I was online to find a person, not a cat –  however, word on the street is I may be in that market soon.

I get it – you have animals.  Great!  Take your photo with your pet.  (And if you really want to get me purring:  Read and do this.)   I don’t need to see 3 pictures of Rover when you have only one of yourself, sporting your sunglasses.   I think you are missing the point.  I will admit – on my profile – I have a photo of myself holding a snake.  It’s not mine, it’s Velvet’s..  but, it’s on there to show you how bad ass I am… and to make awesome “That’s What She Said” jokes.

Online dating websites are NOT Facebook.   If we get to talking,  I may be okay with seeing Rover if we become Facebook friends.. because that is the avenue for people to be obnoxious with those kinds of photos.

So, just leave your pussies and cocks off of online dating, okay?   Both literally and figuratively.


22 Aug

For the record, this is not a message that came to me, personally.. but it has been something I have been meaning to blog about, and when I got a request from a Twitter buddy today – I figured it was time.

“What’s up with those pics with your tits hanging out? Are you a whore?”

Guys –  obviously girls have boobs..  that’s half the reason you like us to begin with.   What you may or may not already know is this:   Girls don’t get a say in the size of boobs they have, unless they have them surgically altered, which costs a lot of money.   From what I understand,  if a girl’s rack has been surgically altered,(at least in the case of making them bigger..)  I hear they are very eager to share that information.  (I wouldn’t know, personally.)

Unless we dress like nuns, I am sorry – there is going to be some cleavage.  This does not make us whores.  This doesn’t make us easy.   Clothes (summer clothes especially) are not designed to keep us entirely covered.

When using an online dating photo as indication if a girl would be “DTF” or not,  err on the side of doubt.   Unless the girl is pictured literally in her bra, bending over,  pushing the girls together making the most seductive face you’ve ever seen – likely she isn’t necessarily on OKCupid for the sheer purpose of getting laid.    If you do see said photo –  I would reverse google search that puppy, cuz you’re probably dealing with a spam bot.

Behave yourself – or we will resort to dressing like nuns.  ALL of us.   Right, girls?


Online Dating Photos

7 Aug

In attempt to be awesome and have an actual life, I nearly forgot to write a blog entry today!   Yikes.   But I DO want to talk about online dating photos again.

I can’t speak for ladies photos, because I really don’t meet girls off the internet..

But- to those of you new to the online dating world..  (Girls, I am talking to you in particular..)   Be forgiving when looking at these guy’s pictures.  Read the profile, too. I have met several people online, and every last one of them, with the exception of one, was WAY cuter in person than in their photos.

I met up with a guy once and I was almost positive I wasn’t going to be attracted to him – his photos were awful.   Turns out, he was adorable.   As a general rule, guys don’t photograph well.

If his profile indicates he is a total tool, AND his pictures don’t do anything for you – then by all means, don’t send or reply to a message.   But,  if the profile intrigues you – do it.   Worst case scenario you meet up and gain a new friend.

Online Dating Profile Pictures

13 May

I know I have discussed this topic before briefly,  but after reading another online dating blog (, written by a guy).. I felt the need to address it again.   According to my fellow blogger (blog entry here) there are several females out there posting photos of themselves with a fake mustache.

As a single straight female,  I don’t often look at profiles of girls.   Why would I?  But – really?   A mustache?  (The blogger posted photo examples..) argues, and rightfully so, that this picture is much like the shirtless man photo that we all love to hate so much.   Again – as not seeing many girl profiles, I don’t know how big of a thing this mustache thing really is.. but, if it’s anything close to shirtless man photos..  It has to stop!!

What are we trying to say when we post a photo of ourselves with a mustache?   Like “B” from the other blog,  I could see it maybe being funny the first time or two you see it..  but,  obviously it would get old fast.    Girls, if you need further encouragement to ditch that photo – what do you think when you see a guys photo with him in a blond wig and a dress?    Even if it’s on Halloween,  guys that dress like that make me think they may be hiding in the closet.   (I hope I don’t get in too much trouble for that one..)

I would argue the same point for planking photos, or owl-ing photos..  but I never understood those anyway.

The following photos  (in my opinion) are not worthy of your online dating profile:

Shirtless photos

Females with Mustache photos

Zombie photos

Boner/Dick photos

Underwear photos (yes, even the girls.. as much as the guys will protest)

And.. I am personally not a fan of photos with the ex or a member of the opposite gender, unless that person is quite obviously related.   And, if that is a must,  cropping them out worse.





The Secret – How To Get Girls To Look at YOUR Profile.

9 May

I will go on record to say that this is a somewhat intoxicated posting tonight.

I will also go on record to say that while I think animals are neat, I have learned recently that I am not really an animal person.   I can almost say with confidence that my future cats will most definitely be imaginary ones that require no maintenance.

Guys always complain to me that no one looks at their profile.    Do you want that to change?   Take a picture with a kitten, a puppy – or any fluffy creature preferably of the small (baby) variety.    Seriously.

If I see a picture of a guy holding or interacting with a puppy, or a kitten.. I swear I will click that page EVERY time.    It can’t be a picture of JUST the kitten or the puppy..  OKCupid frowns upon that, and that won’t get me to click.  You want us associating “OMG SO CUTE!!” with you in the photo as well.. trust me.  Interaction is key!!

Why?  Because maternal instinct kicks in.   Girls, most girls anyway,  LOVE babies.   (Don’t post a picture of you with a baby though,  we will think it’s yours..)    If you have a picture of you snuggling with a cute little kitten,  the blinking light of “father potential!!” turns on.   Even if we don’t want kids now, or ever… most of us are wired this way.

Ladies.. tell me.. is this not the CUTEST thing ever (used with permission):

Seriously.. you don’t need to have your own.. just borrow one for a photo.  It will work.


15 Apr

Today’s post is a rant.. and it goes out to both guys and girls alike.

A friend of mine sent me a dating profile today of a girl who apparently thinks she looks like one of the girls on the TV show “Glee.”   Another instance where someone probably once told her that (she has the same hair color, and style..) and she ran with it.

People – do you really think you are fooling anyone when you post a photo of a celebrity as yourself?    And what are you doing on a dating website anyway?  If you were to meet up with someone, they definitely wouldn’t recognize you.

The funny thing about the profile that was sent over to me is that she had photos of herself too.   Again – probably was told once that she looks like her.   But,  if someone didn’t know the star, or couldn’t tell that the photos were obviously professional – they may think she just happens to clean up really nice..

Photos you try to pass off as yourself are only good on Facebook Doppelganger day.