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The Ex Card

19 Jun

I don’t have a funny message for you today – but I do still want to share something with you that made me laugh.  Not only is it funny, but it will certainly give us all something to think about and discuss.

About a month ago,  I was chatting with #31, as I often do – and we were discussing the phenomenon of people hooking up with their ex.   I have long wondered about why people do such things.   Are we wired to do this?   Are we stuck on them?  Seriously – what gives?

Anyway..  As we were discussing how such an idea is not a smart one – #31 used an analogy that I feel the need to share with the world.   Apparently,  most of us play our love deck wrong.   When I questioned this, #31 said:

“Instead of trying to draw the King of Hearts, you lay the Joker.”

The sad part is, I looked at the screen puzzled until he then said “Double meaning intended.”    (What can I say?  I was thinking playing cards…  it went right over my head..  I can be naive sometimes.)

So –  my thought for today is this:   Next time you feel the need to call up the ex.. ask yourself if it’s really worth not attempting to draw the “King (or Queen) of Hearts”, which would win you the game.   Is “Laying the Joker” (metaphorically or literally)  really worth it?

I know we’ve all been at least tempted to do it..  but why?

Too Far.

18 Jun

Obviously there are a lot of horn dogs to battle when online dating if you are a girl.   (If you are a guy, you have to battle the porn bots..)   You all have seen some of the interesting messages I have received.. but today’s I think definitely crosses some kind of line.

“Hi there. Wow, you’re a posh motherfucker. You’d look great with my cum dripping out of your nostrils.”

That’s certainly a visual that I hope escapes my mind in a timely manner.   Actually, come to think of it..  I may or may not have kind of heard a story that ended with something about out a nose..

I don’t see the appeal.

Sorry, I’m Not from Ireland..

17 Jun

I have no words..

“Do you happen to be from Ireland? Cause when I look at your picture…My penis is Dublin”

 

 

Wat u mean

16 Jun

You just know it’s going to be an awesome online dating story when the message comes from a guy 5 years younger than you and is an extraordinary 5% match.

“Hey sexy”    (Good Lord, shoot me now.)

“Hello.”

“Hey NM chilling on my day off wats up wit u”

Apparently I had asked one of my infamous imaginary questions again..   Silly me.

“Did you really answer an imaginary question?”

“Wat u mean”

I mean GO BACK TO 3RD GRADE!!

“Let’s see.. I said “Hello.” and you said “Hey NM..” Does that make logical sense to you?”

I think using a big word like “logical” scared him away.    Poor baby.

 

Plagiarism

15 Jun

In case you don’t know what plagiarism is…   Allow me to google that for you:

pla·gia·rism/ˈplājəˌrizəm/

Noun:
The practice of taking someone else’s work or ideas and passing them off as one’s own.
I bring it up because I received a message on POF today, asking how I was.  I went and checked out his profile, and he literally copied my “First Date” section.  Word for word.    There was no way it was a coincidence.
I list my idea for a first date as:  “I think something very casual is probably best considering the nature of the online dating beast.”
I then, of course, go on to say that for a 2nd date, I require a trip overseas.   — He did not copy that part.
His idea of a first date is:  “I think something very casual is probably best considering the nature of the online dating beast.”
Duuuuude – if you are literally going to steal a part of someone’s profile -you shouldn’t be messaging that person.   That’s really weird.   You should also change it up and put your own spin on it.
Did he really think I wouldn’t notice that?

Must Be “Howl At the Moon” Time Again..

14 Jun

Seriously, I think at certain times every month,  horndogs come out to howl at the moon.  I wonder if this is much like the female menstrual cycle..

“How would you feel about having my dick in and/or around your mouth?”

I understand yesterday that I said unless it was a case of self defense, I wouldn’t ever attempt to damage the family jewels..  but – sometimes I feel that some of these morons ought to be castrated.

“Looks like you could use a nice cock”

This message came from someone who has looked at my profile several times.   My pictures have not changed.. not sure why today was the day that I look like I could use something like that, and not others..

Yet,  the winner of the horndog trophy today goes to:

“Hi beautiful…..I so hope you are real, there are so many scammers on all these sites. You are so hot I got an instant boner as soon as I saw you. Do you like oral? Because I want to meet you and go down and bury my tongue as deep as I can inside your sweet pussy and suck your clit and drink your beautiful juice. I really want to meet you SOON.”

Dear man who could easily be my father..  Gross.   Just gross.   I literally just coughed up a hairball.

Kick in the Balls

13 Jun

“Hey do you want to get paid to kick a guy in the balls?”

Oh boy, do I ever!  Do I get to pick the guy?!?!

Seriously though..  I would guess this guy has a certain individual in mind, and wouldn’t it be a little obvious to the poor victim that he has been set up if a female he has never seen before randomly went up to him and kicked him in the jewels?

The only way I would ever consider kicking some guy in that region is if I were literally being attacked.   I certainly hope that no girl intentionally ever does this to a guy, unless it is in self defense.. and I don’t mean self defense from tickling.

See guys .. I may pick on you a lot – but I have your best interests at heart.

Sugar Daddy

12 Jun

“Hey just wanted to say ur hot lol and if u ever need a sugar daddy to pay ur bills or just to give u spending cash..let me know cause ur 2 hot not 2 have one ;)”

Someday, my friends..  Someday, if I still am writing this blog and my dating life stays where it is right now – I will take up an offer like this.

However.. today is not that day.  But I’ll let you know – you guys can have first dibs.   Haha!

Why You Shouldn’t Drink and Message.

11 Jun

Does the following make any sense at all?

“Hello Mistress,, could you please accept me as an ass hole and like your feet dog,, you can order me anything and at any time you wanna,, you I am in love with your style and your wildly and also I am worshiping all of you daddy <3:-*”

Not that he would have gotten a response if he was clearer.. but right here is an example of what happens when you are drunk and cruising the online dating websites.    You don’t get a response, and you get mocked by me.

I’m NOT Lovin’ It.

10 Jun

Nothing says druggie with a case of the munchies (or at best –  “tool”) like the following message which appeared in my inbox at 3am:

“Can I get a Big-Mac, a Coke, large fries, and a twenty piece McNugget? Wait, can I also get 2 of each dipping sauce?”

I’ll tell ya- this one confuses me a bit, too.   I don’t mention the golden arches anywhere in my profile – and the only way this message may not be taken offensively is if someone mentions that they work there.  However, if someone did work there, I imagine this message would not amuse them either.

Well, great.  Now I’m hungry.   (Not for McDonalds though.. yuck!)

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