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Chipmunk

29 Jun

One of my Twitter followers sent me an interaction she had on the meat market today:

“Oh no, a chipmunk has escaped from the forest! I’m calling pest control now…”

Now, I have seen her profile, and I don’t understand where this would have came from..  She is adorable, and even so much as got a message once that said:  “Your profile, I swear I’m going to print it out and post it on my fridge for all my friends to admire! Keep it up you adorable lil’ nerd.”

Personally, I think any guy could easily fall for her, because aside from being super cute,  she advertises in her profile that she has gone bungee jumping…. naked.

Anyway- she responded:

“I don’t get it… are you saying I have fat cheeks or am furry?”

*

“You exude an aura of mischievousness fused with a patina of happy-go-lucky.  In a word, a chipmunk.  Notice also that chipmunks are pretty mobile and like to scamper about hither and thither with rapidity…

List a couple of places you’ve lived before (says you’ve bounced around a bit on your profile)…”
Okay-  that’s kind of endearing..  He definitely took a shot in the dark with this message.   I, personally, probably would have not asked for clarification and would have been offended that he was calling pest control.    I am NOT a pest.  (Okay, I totally am.. but that’s beside the point.)
If nothing else of his message was good news:   At least he knows big words!

How Can Someone “Get It” and Not at the Same Time!?

28 Jun

Dearest Author of the latest Meat Market Message,

I don’t know what I think of your message.   Parts of me likes it; it’s clever..  but part of me wonders what the hell you are doing.    It’s quite obvious that you get what you are supposed to do – but why then aren’t you actually doing it?!

“Generic overexcited greeting! Obvious reference to your profile information, with or without drawing a comparison between what we put on our profiles. Rhetorical question? Rhetorical answer! Unnecessary semi-forced witty remark. Laughing onomatopoeia! Humble request for future communication?”

Again – I like it because you seem to understand what an online dating message should look like.. but it bothers me that you are lazy and just copied and pasted something you have sent to every other chickadee that has caught your eye.  Which is the exact opposite of what you are supposed to do… but you already know that.

So – I guess what I am trying to say is:  Simultaneously,  you are a genius and a moron..  with probably the latter reigning slightly more dominant.

Best of luck to you,

Soon2BeCatLady

 

Chamber of Secrets

27 Jun

I am sure there is some nerd part of this message that I don’t understand..  but I think even if I understood the reference, it’s still weird.

“I want to open your pipes and enter you chamber of secrets. . And masturbate untill dumbledors elder wand make you come out your ears”

…Anybody?

Dumb Jock

26 Jun

Does anyone have any success stories in finding a bed buddy on an online dating site, WITHOUT A PHOTO!?   I just can’t imagine anyone being that stupid and/or desperate.

That being said — Today’s message comes from a photoless male:

“OMG WOW….You’re hot!!!!!!!!!! i think you’d like my body”

Kudos to him for using punctuation..   At least in that regard I am impressed.  But alas, I am not online looking for a bed buddy – and he doesn’t have a photo..

“We’ll probably never know.”

“whats your email…i will send a pic”

Part of me was tempted… but common sense got the best of me.

“No.. that frightens me.  And besides.. I am more about the personality than the body.”

That is a true statement, granted I do actually need to find someone attractive… but they don’t have to be “hot.”

“i dont have a personality. just a dumb jock with nice buns lol”

Oh geez..

“Well, then we’d never work out.”

“i workout all the time…”

“I’m sure you do.”

..I guess this beats “You’re ugly, stop online dating.”  Right?

Wood.

25 Jun

I think if you are going to spell something wrong – it should be an all or nothing deal.   Not pick and choose the words you want to short hand, as that defeats the purpose of shorthand.

“Wud u like to see a big penis”

If you are going to be lazy on words such as would and you, why would he not be lazy on to and see as well.   Granted, the answer is no either way – but I think I would be a lot less annoyed if the message had read “Wud u like 2 C a big Pnis?”   – At least that would have been owning the stupidity.

Or of course,  make it a play on words if you want to be lazy and instead of “Would” put “Wood” instead..   Then at least I would have laughed.

Love at First Sight

24 Jun

Doesn’t everyone’s mother teach them that if they can’t say anything nice, not to say anything at all?   When do people decide Mom was wrong?

“You have a really ugly pic. I feel vomiting when seeing ur f profile. Please give us a break and stay offline. Please.”

He feels vomiting?  …Interesting…

I also don’t understand why people don’t use their “block” feature more often.

What if this is the man of my dreams, and we get married?  Can you imagine:  “How did you two meet?”    “Well Auntie Claire,  he sent me a message on OKCupid that said I had a really ugly photo, and he felt vomiting when seeing it…  It was basically love at first sight.”

I just might need to see if this guy wants to meet up for coffee.

Super Bored

23 Jun

Being bored is not a reason to be trolling an online dating website.  In a technological era, I find it more and more difficult to meet someone in person – as everyone’s phone is glued to their face.   I figure I am relatively normal, so other relatively normal people must try online dating sometimes too, right?

“Would u be interested in seeing like 4 or 5 naked pictures of me!? I’m super bored”

My biggest question is:   How would him taking 30 seconds to send me these photos cure his boredom?   It’s not like he will SEE me viewing them.    Or – is he going to be taking them once his request is granted?   Because, in theory, he could just take them now and not be super bored.

If you are sitting at home on a Friday night, and the only thing you can think of to do to end the super boredom is to take naked pictures..  It may be time for a hobby.   And- let’s face it –  they probably wouldn’t have even have been “good” naked pictures –  (like the billboards for a certain clothing store that somehow advertises their clothing with naked men..)

It’s official – I’m going out tonight..

History is Repeating Itself.

22 Jun

On June 1st, I got a message on the meat market that said:

“whats up beauitful we should hangout sometime”

I will never immediately agree to hang out with someone online – I have to get to know you first.  I am not about to be raped and murdered.

“Why is that?”

“just need a friend or more if it works out i do want a girlfiend to im sweet guy if thats what your looking for”

I didn’t respond from here..  Probably because I am not looking for a sweet guy..  No girl is.   (Or probably more likely, every girl is – but someone thinking they are a sweet individual doesn’t mean they are.. or that I should meet them.)

*

Flash forward to today..  (I find it very funny, and awesome, that POF doesn’t remind you that you have messaged a person before.. )

“we should hangout sometime”

I was having a good laugh when I sent my response:

“Why is that?”

“just would like to get to no you if you want to get to no me”

“Know.”

For the record, I was not only correcting his spelling… I was also being passive/aggressive by calling him out on being an underachiever, by being an overachiever and using “know” in the place of “No.”

 

Similar Users

21 Jun

On OKCupid – on everyone’s profile, they show a list of “similar users” with a reasoning as to how they are different from the user you are looking at.   When @DatingMary of Bad Online Dating Profiles was visiting me for a few days- she mentioned she learns a lot about the person by reading about the similar users.

So -out of curiosity.. I logged into #31’s page, since he is off the market now and I have full control (muah-hahaha!)… I decided to take a looksie at users similar to myself.   I’m surprised, as I anticipated every last one of them to read “more desiring of sex.”

Apparently users similar to myself are:

-More Modern and Less Thrifty…  both of which I don’t understand where that comes from at all.  I feel I am quite modern, and I wouldn’t consider myself thrifty, really..  But how does a website judge that?!

-More Compassionate and More Adventurous..   These ones bug me.  I think in real life, I am overly compassionate.   I also sure enjoy a good adventure.. I just want to be sure I am not going to be shot in the process.

-Less Friendly, More Organized and Kinkier..  all of which totally make sense to me.   I am as friendly as a person can get, and an unorganized disaster most of the time..  and obviously I am appalled by suggestive messages.

 

I think my similar user’s qualities should actually read: “Won’t drive you nuts.”

 

 

*Shudder*

20 Jun

“Hi,
Other than being not local to you, I think that you and I maybe a good match.

I get the feeling that you are quite the kinky girl, I want to write what I would really like in a partner.

I am looking to find an eventual partner that is somewhat of a dichotomy. She should appear to most to be a confident and independent woman in social situations. However she must be submissive to me at all times whether in public or not. She may be dominate to other women. She will bring home female playmates to our bed on occasion for us both to play with. While I am not into all aspects of the BDSM lifestyle, I do believe that my partner should receive some of the following from time to time. A good over the knee spanking with a bare hand or belt, wax play, nipple clamps, anal sex, hair pulling, rough sex, being tied to the bed, and those type things.

She also needs to expect the unexpected. I may require her to strip in the elevator on the way to our hotel room, and walk nude to our room. Or I may have her get naked and masturbate on top of the conference table at a friends office. Or give me a blowjob at a bar or restaurant. Or I may bring her to orgasm in a room full of people without her being able to make a sound or she will be exposed.

Please know that I am looking for a long term relationship, and that the keyword here is relationship. This will not happen over the internet, or in one or two meetings. Although I am a dominate soul and I am looking for a woman with submissive tendencies, I still want a partner.

If this sound like you, please let me know. “

 

Oh, believe you me,  if this guy were to show up on my front doorstep – he’d be in for a beating.

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