Archive | Stupid Messages RSS feed for this section

Intense Connection – Part Deuce

23 Sep
Hi folks, Velvet here…
Most importantly, CatLady has me on the twitter now, so ya’ll should follow me. Because I have, like, 17 followers and it is kind of pathetic. @Velvet_licious. Do it-you know you wanna.
But, those few (awesome!) followers became aware of and requested a blog entry about an update about my Intense Connection. (If you didn’t read the first one, scroll down and do so) CatLady made you all aware of my apparent ability to make people I find ZERO attraction to fall deeply and madly and instantly in love with me. This guy is just…well…a little over the top? I have the distinct impression he is one of those dudes who goes around saying “Nice Guys Finish Last” and doesn’t realize that it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is a nice guy, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that he is desperately clingy! And trust me, folks- if I think you are clingy-you have serious issues. I am the girl who ADORES daily messages and sappy, mushy, lovey-dovey Facebook status updates and shit.
WHY do I think he is over the top and a teensy bit unbalanced? Because he sent me a 6 paragraph, 870 word (I was curious, so I pasted it into a Word doc…) email today. Mind you, this was after I sent him that very up front and polite message letting him know I am not interested, since he didn’t get the many MANY hints I gave him in person during our date.
What. The. Hell???
I was going to just copy the whole thing here. BUT I thought that was a little past mean into the bitchy zone. So instead, let me summarize for you:
Dearest Velvet,
*Paragraph 1… stating that he really really really (yes, he used 3 reallys) enjoyed getting to know me
*Paragraph 2… listing all of the things he wished he had said and done while on the date with me (mind you, not one of the things he listed would have changed a thing-no spark is no spark buddy)
*Paragraph 3… THIS is the one everyone should learn from. He went into GREAT detail about what a “spineless, rude, self centered, inconsiderate mushball” he was, and how he was really only himself for about 10 minutes, and he really hopes that I will give him another chance. Gee, with THAT glowing self recommendation, sign me the heck up!! Everyone: if a date doesn’t go well, pointing out all the things about you that suck will NOT make the memory of that bad date any shinier.
*Paragraph 4… here is where even if I had been thinking to myself, “Velvet, this guy obviously is really sweet on you, maybe you should just check your hotsy totsy self and give it another go!” This here is where he immediately got planted firmly in the same wackadoodle nutcase as Meow Man. He went on for 128 words about how since I like to people watch (something I mentioned on our date, to try to make him feel better about the super awkward silence while we stared off into the crowd) I should try hanging out at this fetish bar in the city near my hometown, so I could watch “people who pay to get whipped, electrocuted, etc” WHAT??? Who suggests that??
*Paragraph 5… Yeah, I kept reading. I don’t know why. This paragraph was when he explained how everyone can have a bad day, and if I could wait a while so I could forget how bad that was, and somehow go back to the way I felt before the date, I should really consider it. Unless the lack of chemistry was because he is shorter than me, then I could just skip it. Really? I can? I have your freakin nutty permission? GEE THANKS!
*Paragraph 6… He promised he wouldn’t try to contact me again, because he didn’t want me to think that “this spineless mushball was a stalker, too”
And this, folks, is why I may be moving in with CatLady and all of her furry little friends…
(CatLady would like to comment that if this had been her, she would have been a “bitch” and posted the actual message.)

Intense Connection

22 Sep

Remember when I told you that if I am not interested in someone that I have met online, that they become intensely interested in me?  Apparently, Velvet shares that disease.

She went out on a date with a gentleman who she ended up not being interested in.  I think it’s safe to say that a lot of us online dating struggle with the let-down, and prefer to let things sort of fizzle out on their own.  Most of us are guilty of ignoring messages, hoping the other end takes the hint.  For fantastic blog entry purposes,  I have access to her Google Voice account, and her OKCupid page.. so she may be surprised to see this.

When she was telling me about her date,  she informed me she ended it with “Thank you for the evening.”  and neglected to add “We should hang out again.”  (If a girl doesn’t say she’d like to hang out again.. trust me, she wouldn’t. — And sometimes she will say it anyway to not be awkward..)

After the date, she got a text:

“You are captivating my mind.”

And shortly after… another:

“Thank you for such a great evening. For your time.  Your incredibly fun spirit. For just being a cool person to hang out with beyond your outer beauty.”

…

“I love it when you blush.  Your eyes light up and you get that grin…”

“Are you interested/available to do something tomorrow or Tuesday night?  I don’t want to monopolize or your life but look forward to seeing you again.”

These text messages were ignored.   So, the next day, the following message appeared on her OKCupid account:

“Dearest Velvet,  

Good morning!!! My brain is still spinning from our date, and pulse still fast. I must have eaten something really bad to explain it.  NO… it’s you, or us but I wasn’t this way before meeting you so to me, it’s you.”

I am quite proud of Velvet for what she did next, which was respond to the message:

“[Guy Velvet Clearly Isn’t Interested In],

There’s just no easy way to put this, but I didn’t want to just “fade to black” on you either.  There appears to be a drastic difference between the way you are feeling and the way I am feeling.  You are a great guy, and have many of the things I am looking for – but alas the required ‘spark’ just isn’t there.  I am sorry the feeling isn’t mutual, I have been on the receiving end of this type of message, and to be blunt, I know it kinda sucks.  Take care, okay?”  

If you take away any point from the blog entry tonight, it should be this:   It will freak a girl out if you get overly intense about her, especially if she wasn’t feeling it.   If you keep it slightly vanilla,  you might have a better chance of getting to date #2, or at least make a new friend.

If You’re Gonna Be Gross..

20 Sep

Note to Self..  If you complain that no one is messaging you,  you will get this:

“yummy! I also give free throat stretching lessons.”

I’m sorry- but in what universe is that appropriate?!     I don’t understand male’s fascination with sending perverted stuff..

Seriously..  If you HAVE to send something in this type of nature, you should really at least make it seem like it’d be worth the girl’s time.     I mean, gee.. let me just drop everything and go visit a complete stranger to get him off..  That sounds like such a great time.

Honestly.. I’d take a cat over this selfish jackass any day… and I don’t even like cats.

Flowery and Complimentary

18 Sep

“Normally when I write someone i try to be all flowery and complimentary, but you have a snake in one of your pictures. it freaked me out. Thought that was something that you needed to know.”

Uhh…. Thank you?

Actually, if this guy lived anywhere in proximity to me, I probably would have responded to this message..    It did make me laugh.   But – only going with a message based on pictures is not the brightest idea.

Guys – in a first message – you don’t need to tell a girl you find her attractive.  That’s a given because you messaged her.. (Well, most of the time, anyway..)   Again, go with the conversation and keep her engaged..  that will indicate to her that if she agrees to meet up with you,  you guys will have something to talk about!

Conversation Starters

15 Sep

Geez – the 23 year olds must be on the prowl this week!   I got a message from a 23 year old who’s ideal first date would be “Laser tag, duh.”

“Seedless watermelon, how do they do it!?”

Well – great question.. Ask the Google – how am I supposed to know?

However, his message did make me laugh… and at least it beats “Hey, whats up?” which drives me nuts.   But, alas, I know not the answer he seeks.

“Do I look like a seedless watermelon expert to you?”

I have yet to hear back.  He has the right idea, though.

Everyone online dating is fine, and if they aren’t fine or great – you probably don’t want to know.   Getting someone talking about something is a great way to get the conversation started.  Preferably something they might know a little bit about.. shots in the dark won’t necessarily work in your favor.

Mmm… Seedless watermelon…  I gotta go.

Cougar Town

13 Sep

I have often mentioned my friend Velvet in my posts, and she has guest blogged a few times as well.   Obviously she is doing the online dating thing too.

Before I show you the message she got,  I think it’s important to also tell you that there is a 10 year age gap between Velvet and myself.    I am considered to be in my “mid to late twenties..”  and much to her disliking,  she is the older of the two of us.   (I act older though, right Velv?)

So,  Velvet received the following message:

“Hi Cutie!!! I’m Zach, I’m 23, and just got back into diapers after my mom found out I wet my bed :/ what’s up!?!…”

For starters..  23 is too young for me.  Yikes.  (Alright, alright… I’m an age snob, I know… but seriously..)    But – is he trying to be funny?   If so, he was not successful.   Was he trying to make it obvious that he understood the major age gap?

Does anyone understand this??

Furthermore.. would anyone respond to this?!

What a Stupid Question.

11 Sep

I promise you all that I am way hotter in your head than I am in real life.

“Hey does it turn you on knowing I’d love to get you naked?”

Honestly, guys..  there is no reason to ask this question.   The answer is “No.”    Unless you are Ryan Reynolds,  Adam Levine, or someone insanely attractive and famous.   ​  Random stranger on the internet, you are one of many who would love to get me (and any other female internet dating) naked.   You’re wired to want to put your stick in to just about everything… something of which I personally will never understand.  In my defense, you will also probably never understand my quest for emotional attachment.  (I am not talking to ALL guys here.. I am talking about the ones who clearly want to have sex with anything with boobs.)

Once again, I will remind you all that OKCupid is not the avenue for this kind of stuff, as a general rule.    Try Adult Friend Finder.. Really, though, if you want to get in a girl’s pants.. you gotta woo her.  Try it sometime.

Not Scary at All

10 Sep

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for love, I can tell you I don’t have any interest. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you setup a date and have sex with me, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

I can only hope that this guy really just has some sick twisted humor and he isn’t serious..  but, this sort of stuff is not cool.   No girl should need to feel threatened on the internet.

Safety is a big deal when it comes to the internet, folks.   Sure, I meet a lot of people from OKCupid, and have met two of POF..  but, I make sure I have safety measures in place.   1)  Google Voice.  No one is getting my real number until I am secure in them not being a wack-job.   GV gives me full control.   2)  Making sure a friend knows where I am, and does a check in – either by phone, or showing up at the place.   And if for some reason a friend is not available,  3) Carry a gun.  No one needs to know how bad-ass you are,  unless there is a need for you to be bad-ass.

(For the record – I am understanding this dude’s message to be a movie quote.. Nevertheless – inappropriate.)

How Did You Spend YOUR Friday Night?

8 Sep

Sometimes story-telling is necessary..   Other times – well, not so much:

“how are you? sexy white guy here… just saw a big fight at walmart between 4 white guys vs 3 black guys because the black guys kept showing off there dicks to the guys gfs saying it was bigger then theres. got wild”

Not the best first impression you could make, photo-less dude.   Why would you feel it necessary to message this to a complete stranger?    — And… Walmart?  Seriously?

Sperm Warfare

7 Sep

“I came across your profile and was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals. Of course this “engagement” may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to rump pounding, sperm warfare, sexual acts involving food, and an abundance of new unchartered sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions.”

 

…Just…  Wow.  Well, at least he is honest about where the conversation would quickly turn to if one was to respond.  In a way – I wish all messages that were going to turn that way would have this disclaimer.

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →