Special Time.

29 Oct

I am sure the following was meant to be flattering.. but alas, is not.

“just so you know your pictures have me rock hard and have made me cum twice now i printed out all you pics and plan to cum on them all. 8 to go.”

I assure you,  most girls would find this message really creepy.   We don’t want to know about your “special” time..   and printing out photos that were not intended for your special time is also creepy.   Especially if those photographs are not me flaunting my lingerie.. which I assure you, they are not.   Only one of those types of photos exist, and it surely isn’t going on my online dating profile.. But I digress.

Just stop that nonsense.

**

In other news…  Listen up!   Tomorrow (Monday, Oct 29th) at 10:00pm Central (11:00pm Eastern,  9:00pm Mountain, 8:00pm Pacific..  or for my fans across the pond:  Tuesday, October 30th at 4:00AM GMT)   I will be doing a live podcast with Tommy Danger of www.justcallher.com.    You should totally tune in..   And tweet him or me some fantastic questions!

The link for that is:   http://www.blogtalkradio.com/justcallher/2012/10/30/interview-with-cat-lady-online-dating-blogger

Okay.. talk to you tomorrow!

Six Things I Could NEVER Do Without

28 Oct

Alright – it’s pet peeve time.   I cannot possibly be the only person who hates it when people answer OKCupid’s profile question of “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” in a literal fashion.

Of course you can’t do without air, water, shelter, food, sleep and money.   Pretty sure that would be just about everyone on the planet.  I certainly can’t speak on behalf of OKCupid – but I am quite certain they meant things that you would rather not do without.

Try putting your favorite hobby.  My profile says that I could “never” do without my camera.   Of course, I literally could do without it –  and do frequently.. but,  ideally, it’d be with me all the time.

Do you really like to travel?  Put that you could never do without airplanes.

Are you always cold?  Or hot?  Put that you could never do without blankets, or air conditioning.

Be unique.   I know gravity is a necessity for Earth life… you don’t need to remind me on your OKC profile.

What He Said…

27 Oct

I have nothing for you today of my own,  but I just want to point out that the man behind It’s Not A Match (dot com)  is one of my favorite people ever that I have never met..  In the least creepy way possible.

Seriously… he just gets me.

Please do me a favor, and excuse my lack of hilarity for tonight and read his hilarity instead.

Latest It’sNotAMatch.com Blog Entry.

 

And…. I want to marry him.   That is all.

Swiss Cheese

26 Oct

“Hello, I am wondering if I could hire you to preform a sexual favor on me. My sexual favor would involve you pleasuring me using Swiss cheese. Due to the exotic nature of this fetish, I am willing to provide some very nice compensation for your services. To give you a little back ground on what I am asking for, here is a brief explanation. What I would have you do is wrap slices of Swiss cheese around my penis, then once a good amount of cheese was wrapped around my penis, I would have you slowly stroke me until I climax. Like I mentioned, this is quite different and quite exotic, so please be open-minded to the context of mixing cheese with sex. At no time would I expect or want you to eat the cheese, and besides paying you for your services, I am also open to providing you with sexual pleasure if you so desire on top of payment for services rendered. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this fetish, while sounding weird is really quite fun, and easy to do. Also be aware that fetish should only take about 20 to 30 minutes from start to finish. So if I sparked your interest, and your looking to make some extra cash, please get back to me, and we can discuss further details. Thank you for your consideration.”

My question is:   Why swiss?

Oh people of the internet..  Why do you continuously surprise me?

….And his username is LovesSwiss….  Oh wow.

Piece of Meat

24 Oct

“u look edible”

Well.. that certainly isn’t a message I have received before.  I figured this just had to be good..

“Are you a vampire?”

(Hey.. you never know..)

“no but i like to lick”

“So, I don’t look edible.. I look lickable?”

I understand lickable is not a word.. but, it was necessary to create it, in my opinion.

“yes :)”

“Okay then.. Thanks?”

“I hope I get the pleasure.”

“You won’t.  I am confused as to why you think I would be okay with that.  Care to enlighten?”

“I never met anyone that didn’t like it.”

“You go up and lick random strangers often?”

“no”

“Then your statement can’t be proven.”

“u r correct”

“Usually.”

“How was your day?”

And.. at that, I am done.   My day doesn’t need to be described to someone looking for a piece of meat.

Free Trip!?

23 Oct

Was I just offered a free trip!?

“hi I read your profile and I noticed you like to travel. I travel a lot as well, mostly to Thailand where I get my dick sucked and have a lot of anal sex. I was wondering if you want to travel there with me and get your libido satisfied?”

I am quite sure I could find a way to get my libido satisfied at any bar in America, or online dating even.  I certainly don’t really even need to leave city limits for this.

And honestly..  I think very few people dislike traveling… Come on.

Hope I Play My Cards Right

22 Oct

“rawr hey there baby cakes whats a beautiful girl like you doing this evening? ; ) Come with me to dairy queen and I’ll get you a Blizzard. Not super sized though cause thats 50 cents extra and I dont know you like that. also you’ll have to pay for my gas cause you live kinda far. but play your cards right angel face and I might sex you up who knows.”

Rawr, indeed.  I seriously hope I play my cards right!    Except it’s a bit chilly for ice cream, so for that reason alone, I have decided meeting up for ice cream isn’t in the cards.  So, my dreams of being sexed up tonight are not happening.  C’est La Vie.

When IRL meets OKC

21 Oct

Hi there-Velvet here!

So…I tried a fun little experiment the other day (not THAT kind! Get your mind out of the gutter) and I thought we could all learn a little something from it. I know that I certainly did!!

It all started with meeting a guy at an actual real life event, through real life friends. (I KNOW-weird, right???) Heck, not only did I meet him IRL, he has NEVER been on a dating website. Anyway, we’ve gone out a couple times, and yes, I told him that I do the whole online dating thing. Yes, he is in on the whole nose-licking story/nightmare.  He did giggle at me a bit, and I did give him a dirty look, and then the conversation took a different course. The next time we were hanging out, however, he was bugging me to find out what my online profile is like. So, I figured what the hell?

Here’s the deal: he said that he NEVER would have dated me if he had only read my profile!!! Whaaaat? I am freaking adorable on there. Witty, charming, honest…what do you mean you wouldn’t date me???

I put on my big girl panties and asked him why. Well, the first thing that he pointed out was that he is 5 years older than my maximum age limit. Ok, smartass, other than THAT – why not?? After he told me to relax, he pointed out that he likes the fact that I am a bit of a, well, “big personality”, and he found that my profile downplayed that a lot.

So what the hell do I do about that?? Am I supposed to put on my profile that I strive to be the center of attention?  That I’ve been known to jump into lakes in various stages of undress to raise money for cancer research?  That the idea of going bowling in a tutu doesn’t even cause me to hesitate for a moment?

His answer? Well, yeah – it should!

Which I guess leads me to my closing thought, that I don’t really have an answer for. Ya’ll should discuss and let me know what YOU think. (CatLady doesn’t really know either…) Do I risk the wackos coming out in droves by putting some of your quirky weirdness in your profile? Or is that why I haven’t met my One True Love online–am I just too much of a freak to stuff into a few paragraphs on OKC?

And yes, I’ll keep you posted about the guy. We’ll call him Moonshine.

 

Open Foot, Insert Mouth.

20 Oct

Sometimes I should not be allowed in public.

Velvet and I had some business to attend to this evening, and decided along the way that we were craving some pizza.   So, we stopped at my favorite pizza place of all time, and ordered our pizza.

While paying, my phone made a noise indicating I had a notification.  It was OKCupid.   Because I forget that sometimes Velvet and I are not the only people on the planet, I said “OH BOY!!  BlackVooDoo is NEARBY.. RIGHT NOW!!!”  to which Velvet immediately responded back, “What the hell kind of name is BlackVooDoo?!”

We sit down to wait for our pizza, when I decide to look up Mr. VooDoo.  He looked awfully familiar..   Oh.. yeah… see the guy behind the counter who took our money, with the bright red face?   The one that immediately ran into the back as soon as I looked back up at him?  Yeah.. that guy..   Oddly enough he was neither black or nor seemed like a voo-doo doer.

I hand my phone over to Velvet, who luckily immediately catches on.   Let’s just say the next 15 minutes were probably the most uncomfortable times ever.  (Where do I look?  Where do I look?!)

 

Cougar

18 Oct

Nothing makes you want to punch a 21 year old kid in the face (or perhaps balls) more than this message right here:

“ur hot i fuck my grandmom all the time”

I would highly advise, even in jest, comparing a girl older than you to your grandmother is not a good idea, unless she could, in fact, be your grandmother.  (And even then, it’s probably pushing it.)

Same goes with the term “Cougar.”   I have gone out a few times with guys younger than I am (generally never more than a year younger..) and a few of them thought it was funny to call me a cougar.    Trust me,  if someone has an age complex like I do (I would much prefer to date older..)  calling them a cougar is not a brownie point.   It pretty much just ensures that you won’t be getting any.

While I am at it..  same goes for “Ma’am.”   For the love of God, I am NOT a “Ma’am.”  I get that some of you guys think it’s respectful (and in some parts of the states, sure..)  Not where I am..  If you don’t know my name, and especially if you think I am younger than you, “Miss” would be the proper, polite thing to address me as.  (And any female, really..)   Being called “Ma’am” makes me feel like I am 80..  and I am not even close to pushing 80 yet.

So – to recap..  Don’t address girls as your grandmother, a cougar, or ma’am… or tell them that they are robbing the cradle.   Got it?

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