Wood.

25 Jun

I think if you are going to spell something wrong – it should be an all or nothing deal.   Not pick and choose the words you want to short hand, as that defeats the purpose of shorthand.

“Wud u like to see a big penis”

If you are going to be lazy on words such as would and you, why would he not be lazy on to and see as well.   Granted, the answer is no either way – but I think I would be a lot less annoyed if the message had read “Wud u like 2 C a big Pnis?”   – At least that would have been owning the stupidity.

Or of course,  make it a play on words if you want to be lazy and instead of “Would” put “Wood” instead..   Then at least I would have laughed.

Love at First Sight

24 Jun

Doesn’t everyone’s mother teach them that if they can’t say anything nice, not to say anything at all?   When do people decide Mom was wrong?

“You have a really ugly pic. I feel vomiting when seeing ur f profile. Please give us a break and stay offline. Please.”

He feels vomiting?  …Interesting…

I also don’t understand why people don’t use their “block” feature more often.

What if this is the man of my dreams, and we get married?  Can you imagine:  “How did you two meet?”    “Well Auntie Claire,  he sent me a message on OKCupid that said I had a really ugly photo, and he felt vomiting when seeing it…  It was basically love at first sight.”

I just might need to see if this guy wants to meet up for coffee.

Super Bored

23 Jun

Being bored is not a reason to be trolling an online dating website.  In a technological era, I find it more and more difficult to meet someone in person – as everyone’s phone is glued to their face.   I figure I am relatively normal, so other relatively normal people must try online dating sometimes too, right?

“Would u be interested in seeing like 4 or 5 naked pictures of me!? I’m super bored”

My biggest question is:   How would him taking 30 seconds to send me these photos cure his boredom?   It’s not like he will SEE me viewing them.    Or – is he going to be taking them once his request is granted?   Because, in theory, he could just take them now and not be super bored.

If you are sitting at home on a Friday night, and the only thing you can think of to do to end the super boredom is to take naked pictures..  It may be time for a hobby.   And- let’s face it –  they probably wouldn’t have even have been “good” naked pictures –  (like the billboards for a certain clothing store that somehow advertises their clothing with naked men..)

It’s official – I’m going out tonight..

History is Repeating Itself.

22 Jun

On June 1st, I got a message on the meat market that said:

“whats up beauitful we should hangout sometime”

I will never immediately agree to hang out with someone online – I have to get to know you first.  I am not about to be raped and murdered.

“Why is that?”

“just need a friend or more if it works out i do want a girlfiend to im sweet guy if thats what your looking for”

I didn’t respond from here..  Probably because I am not looking for a sweet guy..  No girl is.   (Or probably more likely, every girl is – but someone thinking they are a sweet individual doesn’t mean they are.. or that I should meet them.)

*

Flash forward to today..  (I find it very funny, and awesome, that POF doesn’t remind you that you have messaged a person before.. )

“we should hangout sometime”

I was having a good laugh when I sent my response:

“Why is that?”

“just would like to get to no you if you want to get to no me”

“Know.”

For the record, I was not only correcting his spelling… I was also being passive/aggressive by calling him out on being an underachiever, by being an overachiever and using “know” in the place of “No.”

 

Similar Users

21 Jun

On OKCupid – on everyone’s profile, they show a list of “similar users” with a reasoning as to how they are different from the user you are looking at.   When @DatingMary of Bad Online Dating Profiles was visiting me for a few days- she mentioned she learns a lot about the person by reading about the similar users.

So -out of curiosity.. I logged into #31’s page, since he is off the market now and I have full control (muah-hahaha!)… I decided to take a looksie at users similar to myself.   I’m surprised, as I anticipated every last one of them to read “more desiring of sex.”

Apparently users similar to myself are:

-More Modern and Less Thrifty…  both of which I don’t understand where that comes from at all.  I feel I am quite modern, and I wouldn’t consider myself thrifty, really..  But how does a website judge that?!

-More Compassionate and More Adventurous..   These ones bug me.  I think in real life, I am overly compassionate.   I also sure enjoy a good adventure.. I just want to be sure I am not going to be shot in the process.

-Less Friendly, More Organized and Kinkier..  all of which totally make sense to me.   I am as friendly as a person can get, and an unorganized disaster most of the time..  and obviously I am appalled by suggestive messages.

 

I think my similar user’s qualities should actually read: “Won’t drive you nuts.”

 

 

*Shudder*

20 Jun

“Hi,
Other than being not local to you, I think that you and I maybe a good match.

I get the feeling that you are quite the kinky girl, I want to write what I would really like in a partner.

I am looking to find an eventual partner that is somewhat of a dichotomy. She should appear to most to be a confident and independent woman in social situations. However she must be submissive to me at all times whether in public or not. She may be dominate to other women. She will bring home female playmates to our bed on occasion for us both to play with. While I am not into all aspects of the BDSM lifestyle, I do believe that my partner should receive some of the following from time to time. A good over the knee spanking with a bare hand or belt, wax play, nipple clamps, anal sex, hair pulling, rough sex, being tied to the bed, and those type things.

She also needs to expect the unexpected. I may require her to strip in the elevator on the way to our hotel room, and walk nude to our room. Or I may have her get naked and masturbate on top of the conference table at a friends office. Or give me a blowjob at a bar or restaurant. Or I may bring her to orgasm in a room full of people without her being able to make a sound or she will be exposed.

Please know that I am looking for a long term relationship, and that the keyword here is relationship. This will not happen over the internet, or in one or two meetings. Although I am a dominate soul and I am looking for a woman with submissive tendencies, I still want a partner.

If this sound like you, please let me know. “

 

Oh, believe you me,  if this guy were to show up on my front doorstep – he’d be in for a beating.

The Ex Card

19 Jun

I don’t have a funny message for you today – but I do still want to share something with you that made me laugh.  Not only is it funny, but it will certainly give us all something to think about and discuss.

About a month ago,  I was chatting with #31, as I often do – and we were discussing the phenomenon of people hooking up with their ex.   I have long wondered about why people do such things.   Are we wired to do this?   Are we stuck on them?  Seriously – what gives?

Anyway..  As we were discussing how such an idea is not a smart one – #31 used an analogy that I feel the need to share with the world.   Apparently,  most of us play our love deck wrong.   When I questioned this, #31 said:

“Instead of trying to draw the King of Hearts, you lay the Joker.”

The sad part is, I looked at the screen puzzled until he then said “Double meaning intended.”    (What can I say?  I was thinking playing cards…  it went right over my head..  I can be naive sometimes.)

So –  my thought for today is this:   Next time you feel the need to call up the ex.. ask yourself if it’s really worth not attempting to draw the “King (or Queen) of Hearts”, which would win you the game.   Is “Laying the Joker” (metaphorically or literally)  really worth it?

I know we’ve all been at least tempted to do it..  but why?

Too Far.

18 Jun

Obviously there are a lot of horn dogs to battle when online dating if you are a girl.   (If you are a guy, you have to battle the porn bots..)   You all have seen some of the interesting messages I have received.. but today’s I think definitely crosses some kind of line.

“Hi there. Wow, you’re a posh motherfucker. You’d look great with my cum dripping out of your nostrils.”

That’s certainly a visual that I hope escapes my mind in a timely manner.   Actually, come to think of it..  I may or may not have kind of heard a story that ended with something about out a nose..

I don’t see the appeal.

Sorry, I’m Not from Ireland..

17 Jun

I have no words..

“Do you happen to be from Ireland? Cause when I look at your picture…My penis is Dublin”

 

 

Wat u mean

16 Jun

You just know it’s going to be an awesome online dating story when the message comes from a guy 5 years younger than you and is an extraordinary 5% match.

“Hey sexy”    (Good Lord, shoot me now.)

“Hello.”

“Hey NM chilling on my day off wats up wit u”

Apparently I had asked one of my infamous imaginary questions again..   Silly me.

“Did you really answer an imaginary question?”

“Wat u mean”

I mean GO BACK TO 3RD GRADE!!

“Let’s see.. I said “Hello.” and you said “Hey NM..” Does that make logical sense to you?”

I think using a big word like “logical” scared him away.    Poor baby.

 

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