Douchebag Alert!

6 Mar

Oh POF-  why do I continuously think you will somehow surprise me?

I got a very nice message from a guy on POF a few days ago.   He told me a little about himself,  made it clear he read my page, and asked a few questions.   I answered back, and it wasn’t more than a few messages in when he asked what I was up to for the weekend.

“Speed dating!”

“Skip that and come hang out with me instead.  Speed dating is just based on looks and first impressions anyway.”   (I had to paraphrase because POF doesn’t save more than the last few messages anymore.)

I didn’t respond to that, because, well.. just No.   1)  He’s on POF.. (Seriously guys.. if you want something real, move it over to OKCupid, will ya?)    2) I already had paid for speed dating tickets.

I kinda forgot all about this guy – as the POF messages never end.   He popped back up on Sunday:   “Don’t you want to talk anymore?”

“Oh.. Sorry-  it was a busy weekend.   Like I said, I went speed dating.   Although I agree it is based on looks and first impressions – is online dating not the same thing?”

“Speed dating doesn’t work.  And I am actually trying to get to know you.”

“I never expected it to work – it was just something to cross of my bucket list for the month.”

“Are you going to ask me any questions, or are you just going to keep talking about speed dating?”

“Wow.  What am I supposed to ask you?  I much prefer a conversation than a question and answer session.”

“I don’t like talking on here.  Text me.  ###-###-####.  We can chat.”

Now this just pissed me off-  I don’t appreciate being told what to do, especially by tools.    So, I did not respond.

5 minutes later:  I am gonna be up for a bit.”

30 minutes later:  “Not texting?”

10 hours later:   “You are on here yet still no text lol”    (No shit, take a hint.)

12 hours later:    “Thanks playa”

 

Not only did his method not work with me because he was trying to control how we were having our “conversation” – but he also didn’t ask for my number.   Because I have Google Voice (if you don’t know what Google Voice is –  google that IMMEDIATELY – best thing EVER!)  I probably would have given it out.   But –  he didn’t ask – and I wasn’t doin’ the work for that one.

Speed

5 Mar

As my twitter followers know,  this weekend I went speed dating.  J and I had been talking about it for awhile, so decided to kick it into high gear and actually sign up.  Through telling people that we were doing this, we each were easily able to enlist a co-worker to go with us also.   The age range for this event was 22 – 32.

Before I go any further, I need to back the trolley up a little.  Late November,  I had started talking to a guy on OKCupid, and we went out a handful of times.   We had mutually decided it wasn’t really a good fit, but have since become pretty decent friends.  He is part of the speed dating story – and about my adventures, and so he will be forever more referred to as #31.   You will be hearing more about him in the future.

So – I had told #31 that he should go with us.   He signed up for the website, but not speed dating specifically.   He had every intention of going, but was pleased to get an e-mail that said they were short on guys, and they were offering to waive the $35 fee for him to attend.  Score for him,  lame for us girls who actually paid – since most of the guys there were probably going for free, therefore thinking it was a joke.  My fear of no guys actually being there was seemingly coming true.

We get to the location that this experience was being held, and we were the first people there.  Not to mention we quickly realized that this was going to be happening in a very public place- in front of people who were not signed up to speed date.  It was definitely time for a drink.. which sadly was not included in the $35 cost of attending the event.

When everyone was there, the host had a quick meeting with all of us, explaining how it worked.   We will have about 7 minutes to chat with the person, and then the guys will rotate.   The only rule was that we were not to give out any personal information about ourselves (i.e. email address, facebook or twitter handles, etc.)   The girls outnumbered the guys by about 2 or 3-  so us girls would each have a break or two.

My first “date” was super awkward.  He seemed to be on the older side of the line, which was fine since I am an age snob when it comes to younger guys.  I actually feel bad for the guy for having to put up with me.   Those of you who know me in real life know that, in person when dealing with a “date-like” situation, I am extremely awkward anyway.   I felt speed date number 1, the awkwardness was amplified with not knowing what to expect.  We asked each other what we did for work, and for fun.   As it turns out – I don’t really know what I like to do for fun.  I certainly didn’t want to announce that I blog about online dating.   Don’t get me wrong, I have hobbies –  I just don’t generally define them.

Date number 2 was less awkward.   He told me he doesn’t live close by.  “Umm… okay, where do you live?”   I thought he was going to say somewhere out of state, and due to lack of guys they asked him to join in.    That was not the case, he lived about 20 minutes away, and works at the local university in their clinic.

Date number 3 was #31.  By far the least awkward date of the evening, even though he can attest for me being awkward.   Now that it’s established that we aren’t going to date – in his words, “I never shut up.”    His previous two dates were my co-worker and J – so he didn’t have anything exciting to share.  He informed me he bought a new nut cup for hockey – I wrote that down on my notes.  He wrote down on his note page for me, in very large print, “HERPES.”   I then proceeded to note “Asshole.”   The last thing to note was that he believed his only real competition there was the guy coming up next.

Date number 4 was really cute.   You were right, #31.. definitely strong competition. He was a little awkward as well,  and definitely someone who could be classified as a “nerd.”   We talked about an event that I have coming up in a few months that he has been a part of before, and he gave me some tips.   I found out later from my co-worker that he is also a ballerina.   Man, I wish that would have came up on our date.

That’s when my break came in.  It was definitely time for a long island iced tea.

Date number 5 HAD to have been at least 45 years old.   I think he was pulled in at the last minute.   He also was not from the area, and was from out of state.  He was here temporarily for work,  his job was trying to get him to stay permanently, but he has every intention of getting back home as soon as possible.

By Date number 6 – the long island was definitely kicking in a little bit.   This guy sat down, and I immediately knew I had spoken with him before on OKCupid.  “Oh, I know you,  we used to talk on OKCupid!”   He did not remember me until I told him my OKC handle.  Since he had previously asked me the questions he generally asks on OKCupid – we had another awkward conversation about what we like to do in our free time for fun.

My last date of the evening was with a guy from Ethiopia.  He worked with Date #3 at the university, and has been here a few years.  I had to ask him to repeat himself several times as he had a thick accent, and was soft spoken.

After that was all over,  we all went to pay our bar tabs and get the heck out of there.   I stopped Date #1 on the way and apologized for the extreme awkwardness.   Date #6 approached our group and chatted with #31 for awhile.   #31 decided it would be funny to start talking about his 3rd date (me) and proceeded to open up his note page.  I snatched that thing out of his hand as fast as humanly possible and was chased down.  The long island in me decided the best course of action was to put his note page in my mouth.   Yep,  I am definitely batshit crazy.  (In #31’s defense, he had forgotten he had written HERPES on it in jest, and did not open the paper once he got it back.)

The gang of us went out afterwards for some dinner, and discussed who we were going to click “YES” to on the website the next day.   If both parties select “YES”,  you get their contact information.  I certainly don’t want to date any of them, but decided I wanted to know who chose me,  so I said yes to everyone.  (And I am totally cool with making new friends.)   J went in with a big “No Thanks” all around.   My co-worker was fond of my date #1 and date #4.    Mr #31 had selected a few girls that did not come with our group.

Date #6 had selected yes for me,  even after witnessing me attempting to eat paper.  He has already sent me an e-mail..

My Date #1 had selected my co-worker, who she happened to spot at the bar the next night.

..And poor #31 didn’t manage to snag anyone.   (It’s okay, I am currently managing his OKC page, and I am planning on finding him someone..)

Would I go again?   Yes –  but only if food and/or a drink was included in the price,  it was more in a private location where random strangers weren’t watching, and if they could guarantee I would be meeting 15+ people who weren’t there for free.

Bruce Lee

4 Mar

From the fanmail box of J:

“You are extremely gorgeous. Let me introduce my self I’m Bruce Lee and I would love to defend you over any other man. I can be your personal bodyguard if you let me… Hope that made you laugh…. My name is actually Calvin. But I want to know more about you… What you like to do … What type of work you do .. And what can I do to meet you … Because you are gorgeous:)”

 

This is a risky message – what if J didn’t know who Bruce Lee was?   Granted, she did –  but,  this is not the first time Calvin has used this message.   How do I know?  Because, seriously..  he had to have used it the first time, got a “YOU ARE SO FUNNY!” message back, and stuck with it..

Calvin,  keeping in my mind I have never seen your profile:   do you actually perform any martial arts?  If so- then although your message really wasn’t funny – at least it was somewhat accurate in explaining you are a protector.   If not,  you should probably change it immediately, unless a girl writes in her profile that she is a huge Bruce Lee fan… and even then, you had best deliver…  I’m not certain – but I believe I can say that J’s profile has no mention of Bruce Lee or martial arts.

 

Chicken Coup

3 Mar

Anything for attention, right guys?

“do you like tall italian guys with huge cocks? i only ask because i’m 6ft3 and i own an over-sized chicken farm.”

This message did get a literal laugh out loud from me..  and I think it could work if you hit the right girl with it..

Maybe I take that back –  I think it could work if you ACTUALLY own an over-sized chicken farm..   This guy probably does, because where on earth would he have dreamed that up otherwise?

For those of you that read my blog for ways to get women to respond to you:   Go buy an over-sized chicken farm, and THEN use this message.

A Million Times: No!

2 Mar

“Hi there are you gutsy at all?”

“Hmm.. what do you mean?”

“Ok be honest would you have the guts to be gross to a guy if he paid you a lot and no one ever knew? :)”

“Guts have nothing to do with that-  It is just a flat out NO for other reasons.”

“not even for a real lot? just make a guy stop and go?”

 

My goodness.   No,  I am sorry –  I won’t prostitute myself.    Unless he were to mean something different by “be gross to a guy”..  Throw up in his coffee?   Ehh.. maybe.

Guys..   Men..    Boys..  Girls don’t need to go to the internet to find opportunities for this stuff.  Store that notion in your brain!   If a girl wanted to do anything naughty, you know darn well all she’d have to do is go to the bar,  strike a pose, or whisper something questionable in your ear, and you’d be putty.

It’s not my job to either be gross to you, or pretend I am going to for the sake of helping you entertain yourself.   Go watch porn and get out of my life.

Most Pointless Conversation Ever

1 Mar

I put on my meat market profile that I like to blog.  I feel it’s necessary, because if I actually do end up meeting someone online – I don’t want to drop a bomb on them.   Most people I meet from online are aware of the blog before I meet them – and in those instances, I have yet to blog about any of them.

So, I had the following conversation with a 44 year old, who was too old to be messaging me to begin with:

“I have a blog too.”

“Okay.”

“I’m looking for similarities. What is your blog about? Mine is
about horse racing.”   

(I want to point out if you are looking for similarities and the ONLY thing you can come up with is that you also have a blog.. you are wasting your time.)

“Online dating.”

“Horse racing is so much more rewarding.”

“Okay.”

 

..He’s probably right..

Umm?

29 Feb

“be cool …relax .. i can feel u

just an advice”

I am very confused about this message.  I even wrote back “Huh?”  and never got a response.   I don’t believe my profile makes me seem uptight- but, I may never know.

J also got a message that makes one go hmm:

“charms are a rare thing to see, but I saw your reflection in the necklace making me.  Hi, I’m Justin.”

 

..Is there a full moon or something?

 

 

Woman of His Dreams

28 Feb

“Hi, You obviously have a million dudes banging down your door, flooding your inbox to try and share your light because of your awesome natural beauty and because you seem like a genuinely solid individual All I can do is say that I think you should give me a shot at the title. I’m cool, handsome and all that and am a homeowner with my own vehicles and a job and I did it all without drug money or using others. I actually think I had a dream about you where for some reason, you wanted to try to arm wrestle me, but I was like NO, my arm hurts, and you were like “shut up little Bitch, take it like a man” but I was like ..”your strong as shit , you might break me” and you thought I called you snakey so you threw me in a figure four and body slammed me onto a cloud somehow, but the cloud turned into snow. hahahahahaahahah okay okay, that never happened, but you still could be the woman of my dreams, if you’ll only give me a shot over those super thug studs with no shirt on that almost certainly don’t have the purity of heart and soul that I possess. I’m just sayin’. Sorry if this is extra corny, but Damn. I had to find a way to get your attention. Hope it works “

How did he know I get millions upon millions of messages each day?

You know, I have always wanted to be the girl of someone’s dreams.. but, if the dreams are like that – maybe I don’t.

Tear Me Down, Just To Build Me Up (Buttercup.)

27 Feb

I am not sure why some guys think that the way to a girl’s heart is to attempt to offend her.   I have been having a back and forth conversation with some guy on POF for the past couple days.

Now, before I give you the run down of the conversation – I would like to preface this with some information – since most of you don’t know who I am, where I live or what I look like.     I have a very expressive face.   Always have.   When I tell a story in person, my face goes crazy.   If I move my eyebrows a certain way, I get forehead lines.   My current picture on POF does not display an expression where my forehead lines are defined,  but if you look REALLY close, you can see a slight line through my forehead..   I know it’s there, and whatever.

“Why does someone your age have wrinkles on her forehead?  Do you have Progeria or something?”

Progeria is a condition that is extremely rare, but makes children look very aged.  Most people burdened by this condition die in their teenage years, or early twenties.   Now- given that I am considered in my late-twenties-  and don’t look older than I am – Really?   Why would someone ask something like that?

“Yes.  Yes I do.  What of it?”

I’ll be honest- part of me wanted to fight back, because this 37 year old man asking the question has his user photo as one that is found all over the place when you search it on Google.. but I figured I’d let this one play out.

“It’s very becoming.”   He then proceeded to ask me a question about one of my hobbies.

He continued to kick me and bring me up through the entire conversation.   When I didn’t respond for a few hours (because I like to think I have a life sometimes..)  he told me I should really respond because he is “pretty much the best catch here.”   Riiight.

When he started asking me about the same hobby we had talked about before, and I informed him we had already discussed this.. he asked, “Does this mean you want to stay single?”    Actually, yes..  Yes it does.   Even though he is clearly the best catch out there – I am going to have to pass on this one.

I didn’t tell him that though –  I told him I think we should get married tomorrow – but first I want to see a picture of what he actually looks like.

His response:   “You going to wear white?”

Keepin’ It In The Family (or.. Awkward Part 4)

26 Feb

Even though I have shared this story with a few friends of mine, and was told by one of them that I need to drink a “nice tall class of Chill The Fuck Out” –    I am blogging about this anyway.

I got a message on POF  (the grossest of the online dating websites, in my opinion..)  from my cousin.

Because POF shows you a user’s picture along with their message, I knew it was my cousin before even opening the message.  I sat there dumbfounded before opening, hoping to the high heavens that he realized that he is my cousin.

Luckily, he did know it was me.   I put on my POF profile that my favorite TV show is How I Met Your Mother – and mentioning the TV show in a message to me would increase the chance of response.    So the message from my cousin said:  “I met your mother at a family reunion when I was like 3. Lol, what up cuz?!”

He got back a mere “Creepy.”  from me.. and not 5 minutes after my response my phone was ringing.    It was my dear cousin, laughing his ass off.    (I am pretty sure he would not have dared had he knew that I blog about this nonsense..)

Come on, though.. this isn’t normal, right?   Had I have spotted his page first, I wouldn’t have went near it with a 10-foot pole.   My cousin saw my face (he did confirm that he knew it was me before clicking..), clicked my page,  read it, and then sent me a message.   I know he messaged me to be funny, and I know part of it is funny… but it is still really really creepy.