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Free Trip!?

23 Oct

Was I just offered a free trip!?

“hi I read your profile and I noticed you like to travel. I travel a lot as well, mostly to Thailand where I get my dick sucked and have a lot of anal sex. I was wondering if you want to travel there with me and get your libido satisfied?”

I am quite sure I could find a way to get my libido satisfied at any bar in America, or online dating even.  I certainly don’t really even need to leave city limits for this.

And honestly..  I think very few people dislike traveling… Come on.

Hope I Play My Cards Right

22 Oct

“rawr hey there baby cakes whats a beautiful girl like you doing this evening? ; ) Come with me to dairy queen and I’ll get you a Blizzard. Not super sized though cause thats 50 cents extra and I dont know you like that. also you’ll have to pay for my gas cause you live kinda far. but play your cards right angel face and I might sex you up who knows.”

Rawr, indeed.  I seriously hope I play my cards right!    Except it’s a bit chilly for ice cream, so for that reason alone, I have decided meeting up for ice cream isn’t in the cards.  So, my dreams of being sexed up tonight are not happening.  C’est La Vie.

When IRL meets OKC

21 Oct

Hi there-Velvet here!

So…I tried a fun little experiment the other day (not THAT kind! Get your mind out of the gutter) and I thought we could all learn a little something from it. I know that I certainly did!!

It all started with meeting a guy at an actual real life event, through real life friends. (I KNOW-weird, right???) Heck, not only did I meet him IRL, he has NEVER been on a dating website. Anyway, we’ve gone out a couple times, and yes, I told him that I do the whole online dating thing. Yes, he is in on the whole nose-licking story/nightmare.  He did giggle at me a bit, and I did give him a dirty look, and then the conversation took a different course. The next time we were hanging out, however, he was bugging me to find out what my online profile is like. So, I figured what the hell?

Here’s the deal: he said that he NEVER would have dated me if he had only read my profile!!! Whaaaat? I am freaking adorable on there. Witty, charming, honest…what do you mean you wouldn’t date me???

I put on my big girl panties and asked him why. Well, the first thing that he pointed out was that he is 5 years older than my maximum age limit. Ok, smartass, other than THAT – why not?? After he told me to relax, he pointed out that he likes the fact that I am a bit of a, well, “big personality”, and he found that my profile downplayed that a lot.

So what the hell do I do about that?? Am I supposed to put on my profile that I strive to be the center of attention?  That I’ve been known to jump into lakes in various stages of undress to raise money for cancer research?  That the idea of going bowling in a tutu doesn’t even cause me to hesitate for a moment?

His answer? Well, yeah – it should!

Which I guess leads me to my closing thought, that I don’t really have an answer for. Ya’ll should discuss and let me know what YOU think. (CatLady doesn’t really know either…) Do I risk the wackos coming out in droves by putting some of your quirky weirdness in your profile? Or is that why I haven’t met my One True Love online–am I just too much of a freak to stuff into a few paragraphs on OKC?

And yes, I’ll keep you posted about the guy. We’ll call him Moonshine.

 

Open Foot, Insert Mouth.

20 Oct

Sometimes I should not be allowed in public.

Velvet and I had some business to attend to this evening, and decided along the way that we were craving some pizza.   So, we stopped at my favorite pizza place of all time, and ordered our pizza.

While paying, my phone made a noise indicating I had a notification.  It was OKCupid.   Because I forget that sometimes Velvet and I are not the only people on the planet, I said “OH BOY!!  BlackVooDoo is NEARBY.. RIGHT NOW!!!”  to which Velvet immediately responded back, “What the hell kind of name is BlackVooDoo?!”

We sit down to wait for our pizza, when I decide to look up Mr. VooDoo.  He looked awfully familiar..   Oh.. yeah… see the guy behind the counter who took our money, with the bright red face?   The one that immediately ran into the back as soon as I looked back up at him?  Yeah.. that guy..   Oddly enough he was neither black or nor seemed like a voo-doo doer.

I hand my phone over to Velvet, who luckily immediately catches on.   Let’s just say the next 15 minutes were probably the most uncomfortable times ever.  (Where do I look?  Where do I look?!)

 

Ummm……??

14 Oct

“.…swelling to taste what’s tantalizing, with my wet-clay molding tongue, like a high rope trapeze artist, synchronized with the twilight monarch, twirling in knots and then unfurling from a new cocoon, in violet satin, in the crevices of desire and wetness…. trembling slightly to tickle the senses of not only my tangy rose tongue buds but your sweetly erogenous zones, of your mind, your spirit, of passion and fulfillment… waxing and willing, to smoothly slide and massage like a tropical erosion on a brilliant beach that reaches to the ocean as if to god… wrinkling and sighing like the vapors on the sea, or is it a mirage?
…delicately dreaming of my hands, my body, my entire essence…. all over you, safe and securely and…. we could be one…. sexually and so tastefully…. this is fate…. indeed”

 

…That’s… fascinating..?   Save the “poetry” for when you actually know someone and know they will appreciate it.

Just.So.Weird.

Chiquita Banana

12 Oct

After you are online dating for too long with no results… you start to go a little crazy:

“really like your profile, it is very honest and real, you just cut straight to the details. In addition I like the rest of the profile as well, I was once told to be completely honest right away with a girl so here it is I think you are very beautiful and your eyes and smile are like a chiquita banana (haha just let me explain) they say that the Chiquita banana could quite possibly be the most perfect food in the world and I think that your eyes and smile could quite possiby be the most perfect ones in the world but I am not saying your fruity I would have to get to know you before I come to that conclusion(haha). I wrote you this to show you that I am honest, funny,real, and not your typical guy, I am, a bit old fashion when it comes to treating a lady like a lady, I hope to hear from you soon”

Wow..

I find it amusing that he thinks he is a bit “old fashion” after comparing me to a Chiquita banana, and almost calling me “fruity.”    It’s also really cute that he thinks he’s funny.

Another Classy Profile

11 Oct

“My self-summary:

Contact me if you want me to give you a dick. Cause that is all you woman on okcupid want.”

Au contraire, my friend.   The only profiles you tend to click are those of porn bots, because those are the photos that catch your eye first.   Of course THEY are looking for your dick, or rather your credit card.    Most girls on OKC?   No – I think it’s fair enough to say that most of us are looking for something somewhat real.

You guys gotta get past the shallow thing you do.  (Girls do too..)  I’ve said before that I don’t think guys photograph well –  and I think it’s very safe to say that a lot of girls will probably look cuter/hotter in person than it photos too.   Photos taken by professionals, for porn or otherwise,  will always draw you in.

For those of you that don’t know about how awesome Google is..  Google “reverse image search.”   It will teach you how to find out if a photo is a fake or not.  You are welcome.

I Need an Attitude Adjustment

9 Oct

“You’re super cute and fucking awesome :)”

Well – both of these are actually true, so I decided to write back.

“Thanks!  I agree.”

“You’re welcome. Im guessing youre not interested”

“Oh.  Okay.”

Guys – if you decide for a girl that she isn’t interested,  she shouldn’t be interested. I totally get that I didn’t really give him anything to work with, but in my defense –  he didn’t give me much to work with either.

“Haha or are you? I just thought the attitude was a signal”

The attitude?!  I didn’t realize I used my attitude font.   I thought I was agreeing with what he had to say..  If someone is agreeing with you,  I think more often than not it’s a good thing..  Maybe I’m off base..

You guys do need to quit with the whole guessing someone isn’t interested bit, though.. or at least telling the person that theory.   Nothing stops me in my tracks faster.

 

Who Needs Personality?

8 Oct

Some people looking for love online are looking for people to date, or for something casual.   Some are looking for someone with an awesome personality.    Some are looking for their soul mate…  And others are online dating to find something else- and feel the need to only ask the most important question on every man’s mind:

“Hey! I read your profile. Do you like giving roadhead? ?​”

You, too, could win yourself a beautiful girlfriend – all by just making someone online you find attractive feel like a piece of meat.   — Do you think not getting road head is his only deal breaker?

Please don’t tell me it’s time for all the boys to start howling at the moon, again..

Phucking

7 Oct

On September 30th, I got a message on my “fake” POF account that said:

 

“Dear Snake Charmer….  (remember I have a photo of me holding a snake..)

Love to meet you for soda, tea, cognac or what ever.

Timothy

p/s I threw a full bottle of horse radish at a neighbor’s cat trying to walk into my kitchen door this morning.
I missed the cat, but I broke the jar of horse radish..

Obviously I hate cats..and have dated my share of girls with them! 
I prefer only one pussy in my bed! T2″

 

I should also specify that on my fake POF profile, I bring up my dislike for cats.  (The profile itself is pretty vague.)

Even if this guy was in my area, and not hundreds of miles away – the lame pussy joke that I have gotten over and over is stupid..  Not to mention is man is TWENTY YEARS my senior.

 

Today.. I got part two.. (Which also happens to be his POF profile text..)

 

“OK….my second note to you..Better Block me!

Do you have a phucking clue what you are looking for?

Would you know him
if you saw him on the street?
Would you know him
if you woke up with him?
Would you know him,
if he was deep inside of you?

if He was Me?

Would you be petty and nit pick stupidities,as you have done so many times before.

Mister Perfect. Sure.

Lose the Good, in search of The Better..

Be intersted in booze and snooze and music groups, and football teams, and other stupidies ripping the seams..?

Looking for a Diamond, when you have a chunk of Gold?
And shit, winter is upon us, and nights will be Cold!

And the sheets hard and stiff, when with the right stiff lover, sheets could be wet and warm all winter long. How can you phuck this guy up??? You have done it before, you can phuck it all up again. Yes, this guy on the screen..you are reading him. He is actually just fine.

Wake Up, don’t lose another good man! Chrissake..how can you look so sharp, and be so stupid.
Tell it like it is!

You have missed plenty of opportunities with good guys who really were just fine, but You always had to just be perfect, and blow off another good guy, when you could have been perfectly happy, being accepting him and just blowing him.

Well, here we have a nearly perfect guy. Moi.

Healthy, except for a broken leg from skiiing in Switzerland. No bad habits, no excess baggage no dirty laundry no ex-wives in the closet.., no gambling debts, no drugs, He actually has a great home and a good job! Oh but, he shaves his head, oh but he is too stuffy and listens to opera, oh but he cooks really well, is a great dresser, and good party host and..yes, he is so good at night, afternoon and early in the morning..perhaps even for his age, he may just screw you more and better than you are used to…
but, but, he is so much older than you are…
so let’s just call that the Deal Breaker..
and move back to some Country Music College Boy,
with a backwards baseball hat,
who has spent last night
balling your best friend,
Pat..

Yeah..better just delete this guy..and just move on…”

 

So. Many. Thoughts…  Which probably don’t need to be typed because you already know how ridiculous this is.

I will leave you with this:  Did a 47 year old man really just spell “fucking” with a PH?!   And did I misinterpret.. or is name both Timothy and Pat?

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