Soon2BeCatLady

“Oh, sweet lady, 
with your face like a cream oval, 
and your nose like a delicious slope of cream. 
Your ears, like cream flaps, 
and your teeth, like hard, shiny pegs of cream. “

I don’t get it.

Today’s horrible message was sent in by @HotGirlsGuideTo of http://www.hotgirlsguideto.com/   Go pay her some love.

“Your lips, your tits, your eyes and your beautiful hair have inspired this message, and your gorgeous face.  In fact, you’re just angelic with your beauty to be frank. And I have just the perfect thing for someone like you.

We’d move my couch to the middle of the room with the tile flooring in my home. Then I’d love to lace you up in roller blades.  You’d lay down on the couch, face down, ass up.  My hands glide across your back, rubbing out, gently and warmly, all of your knotted muscles.  Then my hands slide down both your arms and pin your wrist down to the frame of the couch, and I’d slip into your pussy, and relentlessly pound you.

If the words I wrote for your beautiful white ass excited you, I have an empty house tonight, text me at ***493****”

Now, this is a message that doesn’t really surprise me..  I see them all the time.. but the question on everyone’s mind should be:  Rollerblades?   ..What?

Not that the message would be better without mentioning she’d be wearing rollerblades.. but, it just makes no sense.   Is that supposed to aid in the experience, really?   And good grief, I hope she doesn’t squirm in this scenario.  I can’t imagine getting kicked in the junk with a rollerblade would be pleasant.

So very weird..

I get a lot of grief from guys who read my blog about my stance on form letters.  They argue that girls never respond to personalized messages, and they have to send out hundreds of generic messages to get a single response back.

My argument back is that if you are sending a message (*cough* resume) to 100 girls.. you are desperate, and attempting to settle.

The following form letter did not come to me, but was a message reported on OKCupid:

“Hey, you seem like a really cool, genuine chick. I don’t really know the protocol of this whole thing, I’m new to the site, but I’d love to hang sometime if you’re down. Also, I realize this message is incredibly awkward, so I’m sorry about that. I’m [Name], by the way.”

The girl who reported the message did respond.  She introduced herself, made mention of his clever user name, and then asked what he likes to do in his spare time.   To which he responded:

“In my spare time I like to get my fuck on with pretty girls like you.”

Call me a bitch all you want, but I would not have responded to his initial message.   If you can’t put ten seconds worth of effort into a message to personalize it – then you aren’t worth my time.    Ladies, I implore you to do the same – that way, people quickly learn they need to step it up a notch.

Not only will a message that could be sent to anyone scream “FORM LETTER!” at me, but throw in that I am online, you visit my page and 30 seconds later I have a lengthy message from you, and that also is a red flag.

However, this guy’s profile seemed interesting..  I decided I would respond anyway.

“I’ll never know how to start these off properly. Mayhaps I am too neurotic. Question mark?

P.S. You can call me [Shortened version of name]. It’s cool.”

“Did you just deal me a form letter? =)”

Now..  if someone calls you out on that,  really – that’s your opportunity to fix it.

“That was not my intention. It does sound a bit off doesn’t it (i.e. bullshit)? I’m just not very good at writing the first message, breaking the ice.
My apologies.”

“If it’s a letter you could send to anyone (i.e. not specific to the person) – it’s very form-ish.”

“No, you’re right. Thank you for pointing that out. I’m such a dork.
Nothing to see here. Moving on.”

I wasn’t really sure what to respond, but – again, attempting to give him the benefit of the doubt, I sent a smiley face.

“Is that a “finally, I don’t have to talk to that a-hole anymore” smile or a “yay, the dummy figured it put” smile?”

“..Neither? I just like to smile, smiling’s my favorite.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just really hard on myself. Now, to die alone.”

From here, to me.. all bets were off.  I am not going to coddle anyone.  That entire non-existent relationship flashed before my eyes.   No self-esteem and in constant need of reassurance?  No thanks.

“Maybe you should work on that..
Or – if you’re determined to die alone: 
Get some cats, that’s what I am going to do”

“That might work out because I’m deathly allergic to cats. Also, you quoted ‘Elf’. Nice. You probably won’t die alone. Me on the other hand.”

He gets a point for catching the “Elf” reference.   But, that’s it.   He stopped responding after I messaged back that we all create our own destiny.  Probably because I wasn’t feeding his starving ego.

If someone’s responding…  (especially when their profile indicates they may not..)  that should be enough of a pick-me-up.

Can we make a rule that if you are searching for love online without a photo – then you, in return, can’t see anyone’s photo?

“im new to this whole concept.but you seem my type,;) 

i realise showing a topless pic of me and no face is not a good start but would you believe im actually almost as hot as you 🙂 and that is the only pic i know that doesnt have my face in shot that i could think of(its seems vein but if you ant a pic just send me an email address that you’d be happy for me to send to an i shall) 
im starting a fitness enterprise new year and doing a marathon in april for charity 
I really am a charming well to do guy whos just a bit unlucky i think. 

p.s you seem really cute an if i saw you on a noght out i wouldn’t hesitate to say hello.”

I am sure Mr. Shirtless is probably a nice guy.. but, spelling and grammar do go a long way.   I cringe just looking at this.   And, you just know it’s a form letter too, since he felt so inclined to add the P.S. to it.   First he’s actually almost as hot as I am, but then P.S.  I seem really cute?   To me,  cute and hot are different categories.  (We could discuss that in the comments if I’m wrong.)

Seriously..  This message is nothing a little spell check wouldn’t fix.  It’s SO easy to use, too.  (However,  only he can help not showing his face.)