Politeness

14 Nov

Someday…. SOMEDAY.. I would like to be a fly in the brain of someone who writes  a message like this:

“I might let you lick my butthole if you ask nicely”

….Really?  REALLY?!?!

Rule of thumb:  If you’d be uncomfortable showing your first online dating message to your mother, you probably shouldn’t send it.   Scratch probably… You shouldn’t send it.

My goodness, I hope most self-respecting individuals would need a bit more than an online dating profile and one message to be open to even the discussion of butt hole licking.

I need to go shower… right now.  ::shudders::

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Babble

13 Nov

Although it’s an uncommon occurrence,  the normal messages in my inbox are outweighing the crazy ones.   It must be close to the holidays – people are getting serious.  (That is not a complaint by any means..)  So, due to a lack of entertaining messages in my inbox, I hope you don’t mind me taking this time to babble at you for a few minutes.

(Of course as I sit down to type this, I get a message: “I want to mount you.”  Apparently I spoke too soon..)

A few things going on lately have caused me to think more about how I think technology is breaking us.   Does it ever just boggle your mind how your parents and grandparents managed to find one another and actually fall in love?   We have the entire world of people at our finger tips and somehow it’s more difficult.

I’m not saying this is my end all opinion on the matter, but perhaps we have too many choices.   Are we allowing ourselves to be overly picky?   I am fascinated that anyone could leave a first date and be certain that they don’t want to know any more.  (The only exception being “Two words:  He Meowed.” or something equally as crazy.. because that I can understand.)

We’re taught from a young age to not judge a book by it’s cover.. but the more I think about it – you shouldn’t judge a book by the first couple of pages, either.  Very rarely do the first few pages leave you definitely wanting more – it’s when you dig in deeper that you get hooked.. (if you’re going to.)   What if you just happened to open the book to a dark moment?  Or a moment where Grandma was allowed to read too?   I don’t know about you, but I personally have probably a million chapters in my book.  Some longer than others, and I think I can honestly say that there is no one in my life that has experienced every chapter.  (Myself included.)  

I’m not really sure where I am/was going with this.. but it feels good to talk to you about it.   Thanks for hearing me out.

*

In other news:  Velvet and I will be pod-casting it up on Wednesday,  November 14th at 11:00pm EST.   Hope you can join us!

 

 

Scam-alicious.

11 Nov

“Hello sunshine

How are you ?. I was going through your profile I am quite fascinated by the cute word i read from your profile. You sound so wonderful and nice. I realize you processes all the qualities I needed in woman and your profile caught my eyes and captured my soul.. am a very good Christian with good sense of humor to me age is never a barrier in relationship.

I will like to know if you would like to chat so that we get to know each other better….. well i am Joe Biden and i am a widower and a father of one, l love helping people especially the less privilege ones,l like going dancing, swimming and playing golf….I’m new on this site and don’t know how much this can work out as i do not believe so much in the internet as a means of dating …. i will like to know you better if you don’t mind .

Love Greetings

Joe Biden”

Now.. quite obviously this is a scam..

First – It cracks me up that he has named himself Joe Biden.  (The name of the Vice President of the United States for those of you not from here, or those of you from here who are incredibly unaware..)

Generally,  the online dating scammers will appear to use a translator to craft their message.   (I am a very good processor of the qualities he is searching for..)    They are almost always of Christian faith and/or “God-fearing.”   And they are always a widower.    

And — if it ends something weird, like “Love Greetings”..  that’s probably the biggest indicator.

So – watch out for that.. this goes both ways…

I’m actually surprised I didn’t also get a yahoo email address to respond to.

Online Dating: Meeting People I Already Kinda Know

8 Nov

You know when you see someone, and you are certain you know them, but can’t place it?   This is something that rarely ever happens to me, and that’s because usually within seconds, my brain pieces together who the person is.   But, I had a moment the other day where my brain was taking it’s merry time, and it drove me crazy.

I got a message from someone online that I knew I knew.  I immediately responded, “I am not sure why or how, but I know you.”  and then went into investigator mode.  I asked him hundreds of questions.. (Okay, not hundreds.. I exaggerate..) to the point where I think he was getting annoyed.   (And also for all my male readers who think I am an evil bitch, I HAVE talked with him about other things too..)

I did manage to figure it out.

I have never fully understood the tweets and sayings that go “That awkward moment when..”   and I am quite sure only a small percentage of you could actually relate with this…  but…   It’s definitely an awkward moment when you have to convince someone that you photographed them 8 years ago, with their now ex-girlfriend.. and to prove as such, send a picture text of said photo, that for some odd reason you still have.  (I used to work at a chain photo studio..)

I have yet to tell him the reason why I still have it is because it was in my “These are cute guys” folder…  I’ll save that for if we actually start dating..  However given the creepiness factor,  I’d be surprised if he isn’t running for the hills.

Is It Wrong That I LOVE This?

6 Nov

Alas, it was not sent to me..  and I know it is probably not original..  but I absolutely adore this:

“After meticulously examining your online dating profile, I have reached the conclusion that we would make wonderful offspring together. I would very much enjoy engaging in the normal boring courtship ritual in which I destroy large portions of my earning power on activities with you while awkwardly building rapport in hopes for that first piece of fleeting physical contact. In the event that you have constructed enough trust, comfort, and connection with me, perhaps we can get married, buy a two story house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 children, and a Labrador Retriever (color to be determined). After 10 years, one of two things will happen: I will cheat on you with a college aged blonde cokewhore or you will trip and fall on the dick of a tradesman. Either will result in you taking half of my shit. If you are interested, please let me know.”

I forget what it’s called, but I know there is a book out there with messages such as this.. (Like the “My Roommate Bet Me $20 You Aren’t Real” message, etc.)  And even though I know they are made up,  I still think they are very clever, and would respond.   (That being said, if you copy it –   you’re dumb.. the original author –  genius I could probably fall for.)

“Either will result in you taking half of my shit.”   … True Story…

That Sounds Tiring

5 Nov

No….  just no….

“INTOXICATING… would you consider submitting to a mature man with erectile dysfunction? I need at least 8 hour sessions to build my sexual energy up. I am way hornier after 8 hours of sexual play that I am when we start. Are you up for nurturning my sexual energy and then submitting to that sexual energy?”

I’ll be the first to tell you that I probably don’t know as much about this stuff as I probably should…  but that just seems like too tiring of a process.

Eight hours?!   Shit  – I have things to do..

Just A Piece of Meat

4 Nov

What I strongly despise about online dating is that I literally feel like I am a piece of meat hanging at the butcher shop – just waiting for someone to come along and “pick me.”

Seriously, we are all window shopping for a mate..  And some of us forget that the piece of meat gets a say in the matter as well.

“Hey!

I would just like to say how you really make me feel; i feel so dam
good knowing ill be with you.

I specialize in making you a better person giving you 100% of my full
attention especially when you need it the most.

With me its all about you and give you something nobody can offer
“love, honesty & long term rela.”

If you want I can commit to any certain random event like; for
example, “taking on hair waxing or even collecting stickers that are
on fruits”, just so that i can get you to smile.”

While sometimes it’s easy to think otherwise,  I think a lot of people can offer love, honesty and a long term “rela.”   ….And why would someone want their significant other to collect stickers off of fruits….   That’s just bizarre..

Sorry guys… I guess this means I am no longer up for grabs?  ;-P

I’ve Heard of a Bad Hair Day….

1 Nov

As the title of this post suggests, I have heard of a bad hair day..  I’ve heard of a bad karma day..  but, never have I ever once heard of this:

“Have you ever had a “bad” boob day?”

What, praytell, is a bad boob day?!    I would assume I have never had one of these..   I am dying to know, so please enlighten if you can.

I was going to question the sender as such, but alas he surprisingly no longer has an online dating profile..  So, I may never know..

Seriously..  do they have the ability to just randomly deflate or something?

 

His and Hers

31 Oct

The Velv-inator got a message today that said a mere:

“Let’s poop together.”

Knowing that something like this is exactly what my blog is looking for, she sent it to me right away.   She also included in her e-mail to me:  “Feel free to include the irony that I got that message, when I have the required approx 6-month relationship before I can comfortably use the bathroom with Mr. Velvet in the home.”

The message itself is probably enough to post..  but, I feel the need to discuss this a little further.

Not only did he send that message to her, but it was also his local broadcast for the day, which I happened upon after Velv’s e-mail.   I did inform her of this, and I think it was fair of her to ask if should be offended that he also wants to poop with other people.

When did bathroom togetherness become a romantic activity?   I mean,  I’ve heard of his and her sinks.. but never his and her toilets.   That’s just a little freaky.   I’ve said before, and Velvet and I mentioned on the podcast we were on last night — Keep your creepy shit (pun intended) to yourself until date 10, at least.

I’m guessing it’s not true love.

No-Shave November / Novembeard / Movember

30 Oct

My post today is not about online dating.. but I will connect the two by the end of this post, I promise.

Today, I want to talk to you all about my least favorite month of the year:  NovemBEARD.  (Also known as No-Shave November, and Movember.)  For those of you who have not heard of it,  it’s where all the men band together and for prostate cancer awareness, do not shave their face for the entire month.

I will be the first to tell you that I am not the biggest fan of facial hair.. especially of the bushy variety, which the end of Novembeard sees a lot of.   A little stubble can be sexy, but overall – not for me.  (I know some girls like a bearded guy.. that’s fine… I am NOT one of those girls.)

Don’t take this the wrong way,  I am ALL ABOUT cancer awareness.   But, I call bullshit on this, ladies and gents.   For those of you who participate in Movember and actually raise funds for research,  please understand that I am okay with you doing it.   As for the rest of you:  Don’t give me your “I’m not shaving for prostate cancer awareness.”  load of crap.   Most guys I know that participate don’t even know that it’s “for” prostate cancer awareness.   Those that do,  can you please tell me what your face and your prostate have in common?  I have never once had someone tell me the reasoning behind No-Shave November and actually have a donation page set up.

My Twitter buddy @JourneyThruOKC and I were discussing it today – and again.. if you are raising money for it… Fine.  I’ll deal.   But if you are not,  you shouldn’t be allowed t participate, in my opinion.   JourneyThruOKC said guys just like to keep their face warm in the winter..  Also fine..  but, once again, don’t feed me your “prostate cancer awareness” crap.   Tell the truth.

Honestly.. wouldn’t that be like me saying “I’m not going to shave my armpits for breast cancer awareness”?  IT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR THE CAUSE.    No cancer is going to be cured by people knowing it exists.  Raise funds for research.

This November – I am going to call out my bushy faced friends.   Ask why, and when they give me their B.S. answer, I am going to ask them how much they have raised for it.   (And when they haven’t,  I will sneak into their homes and shave their beards FOR them.)

Additionally, I am strongly considering putting on my OKCupid profile that if I start dating you and you have decided to participate in No-Shave November..  I, too, will participate in No-Shave November… you know.. for prostate cancer awareness.    I’d be willing to bet if that happened, Novembeard would end early.

 

 

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