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Advice Probably Not Taken

9 Apr

“Hi! How are you?!… Sending this note hoping that after all those e-mails that you have been receiving you would have the chance to check mine 🙂 …
I like what I read in your profile, and you definitely have some nice pics here… So If you like what you read and see in my profile, please don’t hesitate and say hi anytime ok 😉 … Have a great weekend!
I am attaching some pics… hope you like them! “

This message was sent to me on OKCupid.   If you frequent OKC, you are aware that you cannot send pictures in a message.   This is a basic form letter that I had received plenty of times at PlentyOfFish.    I am usually not one to fight back, but doggone it-  POF and OKC need to be two different places for my sanity.

“How are you attaching photos?”

“I am good 🙂 … How your weekend is going?…”

“Want to re-read that maybe?”

“What is your problem smarty pants?”

“My problem is that firstly, you sent me a form letter. You didn’t attach photos, as you have no way to do that on this website.

My second problem was that I asked how you were attaching photos, and you neglected to read “attaching photos?” and instead just read “How are you” and responded to that.

Perhaps you should go back to POF.”

“Nope I am having more luck in ok cupid… Maybe not with you… Be happy is happy Easter! … ;)”

At very least, I am glad that he has proved my point that OKCupid is WAY better than PlentyOfFish.

“I am very happy – but since I am a firm believer that OKC is the better place to be, I feel it necessary to tell you to at least update your form letter.. and become classier yourself, and you will have even BETTER luck.”

“Thanks for the advice”

 

..I highly doubt he will take it though.

Haha – a flagged message

8 Apr

Someone flagged the following message they received from a tool on OKCupid:

“Your mouth looks big enough to fit my cock.”

I really wish this message would have came to my inbox.  I don’t ever report people – I would in the instance of a porn bot, but girls don’t usually come in contact with those.    I think I would have had a lot of fun responding to this.

After a few moments of consideration, I am fairly certain my response would have been:  “That small, huh?”

What If..

7 Apr

Another classy first online dating message:

“what would you do if you came home and found a 30 year old guy in ya bed naked”

Sadly,  this question is missing way too much detail to be able answer as honestly as possible.

First of all, who is this 30 year old guy?   Is he my boyfriend?   Because in that instance, the answer could easily be jump into bed with him.   Is he this user who is a complete stranger to me?   Because then I would probably scream and call the cops.  Is this thirty year old guy a movie star?

What is the purpose of him being there?    Does he hear me scream and realize he is in the wrong house?  I may not call the cops in that instance.

Where are his clothes?  How did he get in?  Is anyone in the house with me? Does he say anything to me?  Do I have a gun?

See- too many unanswered questions to even consider answering this.

The Girls

2 Apr

“i dont meant any harm,,,but i love the way your titties hang and look”

I actually believe that this guy didn’t meant any harm.. however – I would advise against telling a girl that you love how her chest hangs.   That is not a compliment.    We don’t want the girls to hang.

When my friend Velvet read that, she started singing:  “Do your titties hang low, do they wobble to and fro?”     Yeah – that is SO not a nice visual.

Since we are on the subject, I also want to address a few points for my guy readers out there.  I am sure if my girl readers disagree with any of these, they will comment and tell us so..

So – we’ve already covered that hanging means we could tie them in knots or bows, and that is not something we want to do..

Most strangers on the internet, except maybe porn bots, are going to be offended if you ask about them or make reference to them.   You could possibly get away with a “You have a very lovely rack”  maybe once, after you have talked to someone for awhile, but if you continue further, that’s what gets you blocked.

Our eyes aren’t down there.   Surprise!

And last, but not least… after seeing some of the erotica J was sent when she had her fishnet leg photo up..  At least the women I have polled have all agreed with me that we cannot feel when the nips are saying hello.  Suggesting “When I start to kiss you, you feel your nipples grow hard..”  is ridonkulous.

The Online Dating Profile Picture

28 Mar

I am almost regretting writing this already because I have a feeling I am going to get a lot of calls and text messages that say “You don’t mean ME though, right?”   So, to stop that from happening:  YES!  I MEAN YOU!!

I try very hard when it comes to online dating to not make a decision on a profile photo alone, because I understand that some people are not photogenic and others are too photogenic.

As you should all know by now,  I have a tendency of finding people I know online.

Guys –  would you freaking post a photo of you that you actually look good in?!  Have a girl pick out your profile photo or photos for you.   I had a visitor to my profile a few days ago, and it was someone I knew and could pick out of a huge crowd.   I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS HIM!   The picture was THAT bad.   This has happened far too many times.  This particular guy is super cute in real life  – not so much in the picture.

I know you know some girls – if you don’t- email me the choices and I will tell you which to choose.. but I think it’s best if someone you know in real life picks it out for you.   Or tells you it’s time to take some new photos.    Personal preference for me:  I don’t want to see you decked out in Zombie apparel.  I have yet to see one Zombie be even remotely attractive.  (I know it’s not the point – just save that one for the people who love you anyway and post it to Facebook.)

Also – lastly, just as a public service announcement:   Don’t, under any circumstance,  post a photo of your junk.  EVER.

Seriously.

 

 

“This can be considered a joke”

27 Mar

Unless a person specifically states that joking about such things is appropriate, I would suggest maybe waiting until you actually know a person before sending a beauty such as this:

“Dear pretty lady,

I have a lovely, rather large, naturally brewed, foreign raised stick that is constantly bugging me to ask you if you’d be interested in being poked down there. My stick wants to assure that sounds like aah and ooh will arise from both parties during such repetitive poking.

Should you be interested, address me to your place asap to deliver the full package at your couch or possibly shower.

Looking forward to your earliest reply.
Mischievously yours,
Big-stick Leo

Ps. My god you’re pretty!
Pps. This can be considered a joke. “

 

Oh Big-stick Leo…   I almost have no words.   Again, maybe funny coming from someone you know really well… but a complete stranger?   Yeah, no thanks.  Even if it is 100% a joke,  agreeing to meet up is going to put any girl in an uncomfortable situation,  unless she is the type of girl who is online dating specifically to get laid.

My imaginary cats are yowling.

 

How Did He Know?!

26 Mar

I just love when guys online practically read my mind:

“hey want to suck my dick and get some papa johns?”

Do these guys just wake up thinking to themselves, “I bet a complete stranger will totally blow me today!”?    Is this not absurd?     Now,  if my profile suggested I was good at such a thing,  I would expect no less..  but,  people really shouldn’t be soliciting this (or sex, for that matter..) from someone who doesn’t specifically say that is what they are looking for.

Luckily there is a venue for guys to say such things, because if someone approached me in real life and said this exact same thing – he may have gotten a drink in the face.. or better yet, a kick to the crotch.    (My bark is much worse than my bite –  I say these things, but I’d actually probably just laugh if this happened for real.)

Oh boys..

What? A GOOD Online Dating Profile!?

24 Mar

I write a lot about the stupid messages I get.. because well, they are entertaining.  Like I have said before also,  I have gotten real messages and have come across some online dating profiles that don’t make me want to rip my fingernails out.

I actually first visited the profile I am writing about in August.   His profile was AWESOME.   I sent out a message with just sheer kudos to it.  I went back and revisited the other day, and with permission, am sharing some of it with you.

This is what I consider to be a good, and entertaining, online dating profile.

He hooked me right from the start:

My Self Summary:

“I own a cooler that has a radio built into it. I don’t party really, and if I do it’s usually where there is a fridge. When I camp I don’t listen to the radio. So basically it’s the most wonderfully useless thing I could own. I think of parting with it but I think to myself. “Troy, what if you were to go to a party out in the woods? What if people wanted to dance? Troy you could be the dance maker, the bringer of funk, the savior of the party.”

So it sits in my living room, a force of potential energy unspent.

That’s about it really.”

What a huge sigh of relief from the traditional “I like sports and outdoor activities.”     I didn’t need to even read any farther from here,  I pretty much love this guy.     That whole thing could be completely made up garbage, but I have a feeling that deep down – this probably describes him perfectly.  (**Please note, I have never met this guy.    I once told him kudos for his profile, and now months later asked if I could use him as an example.)

But anyway-  no surprise here – his profile continues on.

What I am doing with my life:

“Right now I’m sitting back in the sun, wearing some awesome 80’s sun glasses, and drinking shitty canned beer. Metaphorically.

Doesn’t that sound lovely? It sure is.”

It does sound lovely.   It does leave me wonder what he does not metaphorically, but I am almost positive that’s the point.   It encourages discussion.

Other reasons why I love this guy:    He thinks napping is the best.   He changed the “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” question to “What six characteristics do you think will define you when you are super damn old?”    and he is self proclaimed “relatively happy and perhaps a little socially awkward.”

Don’t go copy his profile – but if you are doing the online dating thing, maybe rethink your answers a little bit.  A little bit of thought never hurt anyone.

 

**I would also like to clarify that I don’t actually love this guy.  That would be silly, I don’t know him.   I am just doing the girl thing that we all do,  to prove a point.

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