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Just A Piece of Meat

4 Nov

What I strongly despise about online dating is that I literally feel like I am a piece of meat hanging at the butcher shop – just waiting for someone to come along and “pick me.”

Seriously, we are all window shopping for a mate..  And some of us forget that the piece of meat gets a say in the matter as well.

“Hey!

I would just like to say how you really make me feel; i feel so dam
good knowing ill be with you.

I specialize in making you a better person giving you 100% of my full
attention especially when you need it the most.

With me its all about you and give you something nobody can offer
“love, honesty & long term rela.”

If you want I can commit to any certain random event like; for
example, “taking on hair waxing or even collecting stickers that are
on fruits”, just so that i can get you to smile.”

While sometimes it’s easy to think otherwise,  I think a lot of people can offer love, honesty and a long term “rela.”   ….And why would someone want their significant other to collect stickers off of fruits….   That’s just bizarre..

Sorry guys… I guess this means I am no longer up for grabs?  ;-P

I’ve Heard of a Bad Hair Day….

1 Nov

As the title of this post suggests, I have heard of a bad hair day..  I’ve heard of a bad karma day..  but, never have I ever once heard of this:

“Have you ever had a “bad” boob day?”

What, praytell, is a bad boob day?!    I would assume I have never had one of these..   I am dying to know, so please enlighten if you can.

I was going to question the sender as such, but alas he surprisingly no longer has an online dating profile..  So, I may never know..

Seriously..  do they have the ability to just randomly deflate or something?

 

His and Hers

31 Oct

The Velv-inator got a message today that said a mere:

“Let’s poop together.”

Knowing that something like this is exactly what my blog is looking for, she sent it to me right away.   She also included in her e-mail to me:  “Feel free to include the irony that I got that message, when I have the required approx 6-month relationship before I can comfortably use the bathroom with Mr. Velvet in the home.”

The message itself is probably enough to post..  but, I feel the need to discuss this a little further.

Not only did he send that message to her, but it was also his local broadcast for the day, which I happened upon after Velv’s e-mail.   I did inform her of this, and I think it was fair of her to ask if should be offended that he also wants to poop with other people.

When did bathroom togetherness become a romantic activity?   I mean,  I’ve heard of his and her sinks.. but never his and her toilets.   That’s just a little freaky.   I’ve said before, and Velvet and I mentioned on the podcast we were on last night — Keep your creepy shit (pun intended) to yourself until date 10, at least.

I’m guessing it’s not true love.

No-Shave November / Novembeard / Movember

30 Oct

My post today is not about online dating.. but I will connect the two by the end of this post, I promise.

Today, I want to talk to you all about my least favorite month of the year:  NovemBEARD.  (Also known as No-Shave November, and Movember.)  For those of you who have not heard of it,  it’s where all the men band together and for prostate cancer awareness, do not shave their face for the entire month.

I will be the first to tell you that I am not the biggest fan of facial hair.. especially of the bushy variety, which the end of Novembeard sees a lot of.   A little stubble can be sexy, but overall – not for me.  (I know some girls like a bearded guy.. that’s fine… I am NOT one of those girls.)

Don’t take this the wrong way,  I am ALL ABOUT cancer awareness.   But, I call bullshit on this, ladies and gents.   For those of you who participate in Movember and actually raise funds for research,  please understand that I am okay with you doing it.   As for the rest of you:  Don’t give me your “I’m not shaving for prostate cancer awareness.”  load of crap.   Most guys I know that participate don’t even know that it’s “for” prostate cancer awareness.   Those that do,  can you please tell me what your face and your prostate have in common?  I have never once had someone tell me the reasoning behind No-Shave November and actually have a donation page set up.

My Twitter buddy @JourneyThruOKC and I were discussing it today – and again.. if you are raising money for it… Fine.  I’ll deal.   But if you are not,  you shouldn’t be allowed t participate, in my opinion.   JourneyThruOKC said guys just like to keep their face warm in the winter..  Also fine..  but, once again, don’t feed me your “prostate cancer awareness” crap.   Tell the truth.

Honestly.. wouldn’t that be like me saying “I’m not going to shave my armpits for breast cancer awareness”?  IT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR THE CAUSE.    No cancer is going to be cured by people knowing it exists.  Raise funds for research.

This November – I am going to call out my bushy faced friends.   Ask why, and when they give me their B.S. answer, I am going to ask them how much they have raised for it.   (And when they haven’t,  I will sneak into their homes and shave their beards FOR them.)

Additionally, I am strongly considering putting on my OKCupid profile that if I start dating you and you have decided to participate in No-Shave November..  I, too, will participate in No-Shave November… you know.. for prostate cancer awareness.    I’d be willing to bet if that happened, Novembeard would end early.

 

 

Special Time.

29 Oct

I am sure the following was meant to be flattering.. but alas, is not.

“just so you know your pictures have me rock hard and have made me cum twice now i printed out all you pics and plan to cum on them all. 8 to go.”

I assure you,  most girls would find this message really creepy.   We don’t want to know about your “special” time..   and printing out photos that were not intended for your special time is also creepy.   Especially if those photographs are not me flaunting my lingerie.. which I assure you, they are not.   Only one of those types of photos exist, and it surely isn’t going on my online dating profile.. But I digress.

Just stop that nonsense.

**

In other news…  Listen up!   Tomorrow (Monday, Oct 29th) at 10:00pm Central (11:00pm Eastern,  9:00pm Mountain, 8:00pm Pacific..  or for my fans across the pond:  Tuesday, October 30th at 4:00AM GMT)   I will be doing a live podcast with Tommy Danger of www.justcallher.com.    You should totally tune in..   And tweet him or me some fantastic questions!

The link for that is:   http://www.blogtalkradio.com/justcallher/2012/10/30/interview-with-cat-lady-online-dating-blogger

Okay.. talk to you tomorrow!

Six Things I Could NEVER Do Without

28 Oct

Alright – it’s pet peeve time.   I cannot possibly be the only person who hates it when people answer OKCupid’s profile question of “Six Things I Could Never Do Without” in a literal fashion.

Of course you can’t do without air, water, shelter, food, sleep and money.   Pretty sure that would be just about everyone on the planet.  I certainly can’t speak on behalf of OKCupid – but I am quite certain they meant things that you would rather not do without.

Try putting your favorite hobby.  My profile says that I could “never” do without my camera.   Of course, I literally could do without it –  and do frequently.. but,  ideally, it’d be with me all the time.

Do you really like to travel?  Put that you could never do without airplanes.

Are you always cold?  Or hot?  Put that you could never do without blankets, or air conditioning.

Be unique.   I know gravity is a necessity for Earth life… you don’t need to remind me on your OKC profile.

What He Said…

27 Oct

I have nothing for you today of my own,  but I just want to point out that the man behind It’s Not A Match (dot com)  is one of my favorite people ever that I have never met..  In the least creepy way possible.

Seriously… he just gets me.

Please do me a favor, and excuse my lack of hilarity for tonight and read his hilarity instead.

Latest It’sNotAMatch.com Blog Entry.

 

And…. I want to marry him.   That is all.

Swiss Cheese

26 Oct

“Hello, I am wondering if I could hire you to preform a sexual favor on me. My sexual favor would involve you pleasuring me using Swiss cheese. Due to the exotic nature of this fetish, I am willing to provide some very nice compensation for your services. To give you a little back ground on what I am asking for, here is a brief explanation. What I would have you do is wrap slices of Swiss cheese around my penis, then once a good amount of cheese was wrapped around my penis, I would have you slowly stroke me until I climax. Like I mentioned, this is quite different and quite exotic, so please be open-minded to the context of mixing cheese with sex. At no time would I expect or want you to eat the cheese, and besides paying you for your services, I am also open to providing you with sexual pleasure if you so desire on top of payment for services rendered. Please give me a chance to prove to you that this fetish, while sounding weird is really quite fun, and easy to do. Also be aware that fetish should only take about 20 to 30 minutes from start to finish. So if I sparked your interest, and your looking to make some extra cash, please get back to me, and we can discuss further details. Thank you for your consideration.”

My question is:   Why swiss?

Oh people of the internet..  Why do you continuously surprise me?

….And his username is LovesSwiss….  Oh wow.

Piece of Meat

24 Oct

“u look edible”

Well.. that certainly isn’t a message I have received before.  I figured this just had to be good..

“Are you a vampire?”

(Hey.. you never know..)

“no but i like to lick”

“So, I don’t look edible.. I look lickable?”

I understand lickable is not a word.. but, it was necessary to create it, in my opinion.

“yes :)”

“Okay then.. Thanks?”

“I hope I get the pleasure.”

“You won’t.  I am confused as to why you think I would be okay with that.  Care to enlighten?”

“I never met anyone that didn’t like it.”

“You go up and lick random strangers often?”

“no”

“Then your statement can’t be proven.”

“u r correct”

“Usually.”

“How was your day?”

And.. at that, I am done.   My day doesn’t need to be described to someone looking for a piece of meat.

Free Trip!?

23 Oct

Was I just offered a free trip!?

“hi I read your profile and I noticed you like to travel. I travel a lot as well, mostly to Thailand where I get my dick sucked and have a lot of anal sex. I was wondering if you want to travel there with me and get your libido satisfied?”

I am quite sure I could find a way to get my libido satisfied at any bar in America, or online dating even.  I certainly don’t really even need to leave city limits for this.

And honestly..  I think very few people dislike traveling… Come on.

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