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Hope I Play My Cards Right

22 Oct

“rawr hey there baby cakes whats a beautiful girl like you doing this evening? ; ) Come with me to dairy queen and I’ll get you a Blizzard. Not super sized though cause thats 50 cents extra and I dont know you like that. also you’ll have to pay for my gas cause you live kinda far. but play your cards right angel face and I might sex you up who knows.”

Rawr, indeed.  I seriously hope I play my cards right!    Except it’s a bit chilly for ice cream, so for that reason alone, I have decided meeting up for ice cream isn’t in the cards.  So, my dreams of being sexed up tonight are not happening.  C’est La Vie.

When IRL meets OKC

21 Oct

Hi there-Velvet here!

So…I tried a fun little experiment the other day (not THAT kind! Get your mind out of the gutter) and I thought we could all learn a little something from it. I know that I certainly did!!

It all started with meeting a guy at an actual real life event, through real life friends. (I KNOW-weird, right???) Heck, not only did I meet him IRL, he has NEVER been on a dating website. Anyway, we’ve gone out a couple times, and yes, I told him that I do the whole online dating thing. Yes, he is in on the whole nose-licking story/nightmare.  He did giggle at me a bit, and I did give him a dirty look, and then the conversation took a different course. The next time we were hanging out, however, he was bugging me to find out what my online profile is like. So, I figured what the hell?

Here’s the deal: he said that he NEVER would have dated me if he had only read my profile!!! Whaaaat? I am freaking adorable on there. Witty, charming, honest…what do you mean you wouldn’t date me???

I put on my big girl panties and asked him why. Well, the first thing that he pointed out was that he is 5 years older than my maximum age limit. Ok, smartass, other than THAT – why not?? After he told me to relax, he pointed out that he likes the fact that I am a bit of a, well, “big personality”, and he found that my profile downplayed that a lot.

So what the hell do I do about that?? Am I supposed to put on my profile that I strive to be the center of attention?  That I’ve been known to jump into lakes in various stages of undress to raise money for cancer research?  That the idea of going bowling in a tutu doesn’t even cause me to hesitate for a moment?

His answer? Well, yeah – it should!

Which I guess leads me to my closing thought, that I don’t really have an answer for. Ya’ll should discuss and let me know what YOU think. (CatLady doesn’t really know either…) Do I risk the wackos coming out in droves by putting some of your quirky weirdness in your profile? Or is that why I haven’t met my One True Love online–am I just too much of a freak to stuff into a few paragraphs on OKC?

And yes, I’ll keep you posted about the guy. We’ll call him Moonshine.

 

Open Foot, Insert Mouth.

20 Oct

Sometimes I should not be allowed in public.

Velvet and I had some business to attend to this evening, and decided along the way that we were craving some pizza.   So, we stopped at my favorite pizza place of all time, and ordered our pizza.

While paying, my phone made a noise indicating I had a notification.  It was OKCupid.   Because I forget that sometimes Velvet and I are not the only people on the planet, I said “OH BOY!!  BlackVooDoo is NEARBY.. RIGHT NOW!!!”  to which Velvet immediately responded back, “What the hell kind of name is BlackVooDoo?!”

We sit down to wait for our pizza, when I decide to look up Mr. VooDoo.  He looked awfully familiar..   Oh.. yeah… see the guy behind the counter who took our money, with the bright red face?   The one that immediately ran into the back as soon as I looked back up at him?  Yeah.. that guy..   Oddly enough he was neither black or nor seemed like a voo-doo doer.

I hand my phone over to Velvet, who luckily immediately catches on.   Let’s just say the next 15 minutes were probably the most uncomfortable times ever.  (Where do I look?  Where do I look?!)

 

Cougar

18 Oct

Nothing makes you want to punch a 21 year old kid in the face (or perhaps balls) more than this message right here:

“ur hot i fuck my grandmom all the time”

I would highly advise, even in jest, comparing a girl older than you to your grandmother is not a good idea, unless she could, in fact, be your grandmother.  (And even then, it’s probably pushing it.)

Same goes with the term “Cougar.”   I have gone out a few times with guys younger than I am (generally never more than a year younger..) and a few of them thought it was funny to call me a cougar.    Trust me,  if someone has an age complex like I do (I would much prefer to date older..)  calling them a cougar is not a brownie point.   It pretty much just ensures that you won’t be getting any.

While I am at it..  same goes for “Ma’am.”   For the love of God, I am NOT a “Ma’am.”  I get that some of you guys think it’s respectful (and in some parts of the states, sure..)  Not where I am..  If you don’t know my name, and especially if you think I am younger than you, “Miss” would be the proper, polite thing to address me as.  (And any female, really..)   Being called “Ma’am” makes me feel like I am 80..  and I am not even close to pushing 80 yet.

So – to recap..  Don’t address girls as your grandmother, a cougar, or ma’am… or tell them that they are robbing the cradle.   Got it?

Bluffing

16 Oct

I have been asked several times to respond to form messages as an experiment.  Although I feel I don’t need to do so, because I know what the result will be,  I aim to please..  So, behold”

“Hi how are you on this cold day, I just wanted say I would mortgage my house , sell my car, boat, cabin just get spend day with you. Cause damn”

“Do it, and I will make it happen.”

“It was a something cute get your attention :)”

“Okay, you have my attention.”

 

And…..  Nothing.    Don’t step up to the plate if you aren’t going to attempt to hit.  Not to mention this guy online dates all wrong..   His profile merely states:

“If you meet someone in real life you wouldn’t hand them a paper saying this is my autobiography. So if you want get know me feel free send me a message thanks.”

I know writing about yourself is awkward… but you wouldn’t meet someone in real life and type to them instead of talk either.   (However… in good time, I am sure.)

Just another classic example of a guy trying to get out of doing any of the work, aside from the initial message, that also really meant nothing.

So Romantic

15 Oct

While I understand that the stereotype out there is that people who online date are desperate, I would argue that most of us are way less desperate than participants on relationship reality shows… except for this guy:

“I am contacting you regarding a serious proposal that may be of interest to you *NOT looking 4 a one night stand* wanting long term. Would U ”Marry me” plz? The rest will follow spontaneously; I have a passion for life, Want love and can give love. I have a lot of love to give.”

Least romantic proposal ever.

Why would he put the “Marry me” in quotations?   I seriously hope if and when I ever get proposed to that when the actual “Will you marry me?” comes out,   marry is not given the finger quotations.  (That being said, if my future husband is reading this… that would so NOT be funny.)

I would understand this proposal if he was looking for a green card or something.. but he isn’t.   Why would anyone want to take a shot in the dark like that?  Things could go oh-so-terribly wrong.   Sure, dating could too, but at least that’s easier to get out of.

But – long story short – That answer is a no.

Ummm……??

14 Oct

“.…swelling to taste what’s tantalizing, with my wet-clay molding tongue, like a high rope trapeze artist, synchronized with the twilight monarch, twirling in knots and then unfurling from a new cocoon, in violet satin, in the crevices of desire and wetness…. trembling slightly to tickle the senses of not only my tangy rose tongue buds but your sweetly erogenous zones, of your mind, your spirit, of passion and fulfillment… waxing and willing, to smoothly slide and massage like a tropical erosion on a brilliant beach that reaches to the ocean as if to god… wrinkling and sighing like the vapors on the sea, or is it a mirage?
…delicately dreaming of my hands, my body, my entire essence…. all over you, safe and securely and…. we could be one…. sexually and so tastefully…. this is fate…. indeed”

 

…That’s… fascinating..?   Save the “poetry” for when you actually know someone and know they will appreciate it.

Just.So.Weird.

Comment Response

13 Oct

Obviously you all know that you have option to comment on any of my blog posts, and I absolutely LOVE it when you do!  So, totally keep that up.   I got a question on my last post in the comments, and generally if I think it’s something more than one person might want the answer to – I will post it here and respond “publicly”, if you will.

So “Taylor” writes:

“I’ve been subscribed to your blog for over a month and nothing satisfies you. Post an example of something that a guy said that actually worked for you. Your glass is always half empty…as lame as all the messages you get it still gets depressing you’re shooting 99% of them down. The successful Tawkify phone calls that worked for you, post examples of why it worked for you. Toss your male readers a bone.”

 

Hi Taylor!

First and foremost, I would like to point out that my blog is entitled “Soon2BeCatLady – Why I’ll Soon Be A Crazy Cat Lady”  and not “How To Be Successful in Online Dating.”   I don’t anticipate I will ever post anything that “satisfies” me, because that’s really not the point –  I’m actually going for the “humor” piece, if you will.

But-  as I’ve said before, there are messages that I do respond to, and don’t blog about…  I could blog about them, but they lack entertainment value.  Honestly, what works for me may not work for another girl.  I had a podcast interview with Karl Mamer, and part of our discussion included that guys seem to think there is a “One-size-fits-all” approach when it comes to the ladies, and that is SO not the case.   As I am sure you know by now,  girls are weird and crazy.  (I also hope that listening to this podcast also enlightens the “glass half empty” opinion you have of me.  People who know me in real life understand that the amount of pessimism I carry is almost zilch.)

But “throw you a bone”, I will.   This is what works for me:  Engage me in a conversation.  (This also works in so many other aspects of life..)   I feel like my online dating profile is full of information that you could start a conversation about… I understand some are more generic.  (And that sucks.)   If you send me a message online that says, “Hey CatLady,  I read on your profile that you frequent the gym.  What is your favorite workout machine, or the one you use most frequently?”   I will probably respond to that.  That would indicate that you read my profile and find me interesting, instead of just “hot.”   If I get a message that could be copied and pasted to anyone, I will assume you didn’t read my profile and I’m just a piece of meat to you.  (Is that always the case?  NO.   I get that..  but it only takes a couple seconds extra to ask me about something I have referenced. –  I can’t be expected to carry the conversation if you have messaged me first.)

Same goes for Tawkify as well – I have enjoyed the conversations more when it wasn’t interview questions back and forth, and an actual discussion about something.

Really, that’s the only advice I can give you that’s easily accomplished.  If a girl doesn’t respond because she doesn’t find you attractive,  I can’t advise on that.  (However I have said before, and will say again and again.. People aren’t always  what they look like in pictures… and that goes BOTH ways.)       I think online dating needs to progress beyond “window shopping.”   Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean that their personality will mesh with yours, you know what I’m saying?

Anyway-  That’s really I have to say on it.  If my blog doesn’t entertain you, use it as a guide for “What NOT to do.”

Hopefully I answered your question to your liking..  if not, well… I don’t know what to tell you.

❤ CatLady

 

Chiquita Banana

12 Oct

After you are online dating for too long with no results… you start to go a little crazy:

“really like your profile, it is very honest and real, you just cut straight to the details. In addition I like the rest of the profile as well, I was once told to be completely honest right away with a girl so here it is I think you are very beautiful and your eyes and smile are like a chiquita banana (haha just let me explain) they say that the Chiquita banana could quite possibly be the most perfect food in the world and I think that your eyes and smile could quite possiby be the most perfect ones in the world but I am not saying your fruity I would have to get to know you before I come to that conclusion(haha). I wrote you this to show you that I am honest, funny,real, and not your typical guy, I am, a bit old fashion when it comes to treating a lady like a lady, I hope to hear from you soon”

Wow..

I find it amusing that he thinks he is a bit “old fashion” after comparing me to a Chiquita banana, and almost calling me “fruity.”    It’s also really cute that he thinks he’s funny.

Another Classy Profile

11 Oct

“My self-summary:

Contact me if you want me to give you a dick. Cause that is all you woman on okcupid want.”

Au contraire, my friend.   The only profiles you tend to click are those of porn bots, because those are the photos that catch your eye first.   Of course THEY are looking for your dick, or rather your credit card.    Most girls on OKC?   No – I think it’s fair enough to say that most of us are looking for something somewhat real.

You guys gotta get past the shallow thing you do.  (Girls do too..)  I’ve said before that I don’t think guys photograph well –  and I think it’s very safe to say that a lot of girls will probably look cuter/hotter in person than it photos too.   Photos taken by professionals, for porn or otherwise,  will always draw you in.

For those of you that don’t know about how awesome Google is..  Google “reverse image search.”   It will teach you how to find out if a photo is a fake or not.  You are welcome.

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