Archive | Online Dating RSS feed for this section

:/

18 Nov

“Sit on my virgin face​”

…Because nothing screams SEXY like “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Wishful Thinking

17 Nov

Hey.. if you don’t at least try to pick up a girl this way.. you’ll never know if it works, right?

“I had a dream you gave me a blowjob in my car”

If I wanted to encourage this type of behavior, I would probably respond with:

“Was it the best blow job ever?”

Because regardless of what he responded,  I could say, “Oh.. definitely wasn’t me, then.”

But –  in hopes that he never tries that kind of “wishful thinking” message again, I am going to let it sit..

Kids and Online Dating

16 Nov

Can we be real for a minute, here?

Guys –  Why would you think posting a picture of you with a kid is a good idea?   First of all,  any girl looking at it will immediately conclude the child is yours.   (And especially if the kid in the picture appears to be under a day old, I am steering clear..)  Obviously, if the child is yours,  I get it..  still a dumb idea, in my opinion.. But, whatever.

What about those of you who post pictures of you with your nieces or nephews?  …Do you know their mother (your sibling) will probably lose her shit when she finds out you have her pride and joy on a dating website for all us wackos to see?     (…I think that could even be illegal…)

But CatLady..  how do I express that I like kids if I don’t show you myself interacting with them?!   Why not write that you love spending time with your nieces and nephews?  Or, more specifically “I love watching THE WIGGLES with my nieces and nephews.”   That, to me,  would say you get kid stuff.

Babies are chick-magnets.. Totally..  just not online.  If you want that magic to work, you got to take them out in public so they can do your flirting for you..  and, as you know, you play up that the baby get’s all his or her charm from Uncle [Insert Your Name Here].    (And personally, if you then starting singing “Elmo Song”,  I will turn to putty in an instant.)

 

What?! Two Commas!?

15 Nov

“Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive​.  I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. I am going to need your name and number (for insurance purposes, of course!)​”

1)  Cheesy.

2)  Without digging further than this message, I am going to go out on a limb and say this gentlemen didn’t join the computer era until the floppy disk was old news.

3)  Oh my GOD,  he passed third grade!!   Way to go on the commas, buddy!!

I’m going to cut this short –  I’ve got a podcast to be a part of.

Politeness

14 Nov

Someday…. SOMEDAY.. I would like to be a fly in the brain of someone who writes  a message like this:

“I might let you lick my butthole if you ask nicely”

….Really?  REALLY?!?!

Rule of thumb:  If you’d be uncomfortable showing your first online dating message to your mother, you probably shouldn’t send it.   Scratch probably… You shouldn’t send it.

My goodness, I hope most self-respecting individuals would need a bit more than an online dating profile and one message to be open to even the discussion of butt hole licking.

I need to go shower… right now.  ::shudders::

Tags: , , , ,

Babble

13 Nov

Although it’s an uncommon occurrence,  the normal messages in my inbox are outweighing the crazy ones.   It must be close to the holidays – people are getting serious.  (That is not a complaint by any means..)  So, due to a lack of entertaining messages in my inbox, I hope you don’t mind me taking this time to babble at you for a few minutes.

(Of course as I sit down to type this, I get a message: “I want to mount you.”  Apparently I spoke too soon..)

A few things going on lately have caused me to think more about how I think technology is breaking us.   Does it ever just boggle your mind how your parents and grandparents managed to find one another and actually fall in love?   We have the entire world of people at our finger tips and somehow it’s more difficult.

I’m not saying this is my end all opinion on the matter, but perhaps we have too many choices.   Are we allowing ourselves to be overly picky?   I am fascinated that anyone could leave a first date and be certain that they don’t want to know any more.  (The only exception being “Two words:  He Meowed.” or something equally as crazy.. because that I can understand.)

We’re taught from a young age to not judge a book by it’s cover.. but the more I think about it – you shouldn’t judge a book by the first couple of pages, either.  Very rarely do the first few pages leave you definitely wanting more – it’s when you dig in deeper that you get hooked.. (if you’re going to.)   What if you just happened to open the book to a dark moment?  Or a moment where Grandma was allowed to read too?   I don’t know about you, but I personally have probably a million chapters in my book.  Some longer than others, and I think I can honestly say that there is no one in my life that has experienced every chapter.  (Myself included.)  

I’m not really sure where I am/was going with this.. but it feels good to talk to you about it.   Thanks for hearing me out.

*

In other news:  Velvet and I will be pod-casting it up on Wednesday,  November 14th at 11:00pm EST.   Hope you can join us!

 

 

Scam-alicious.

11 Nov

“Hello sunshine

How are you ?. I was going through your profile I am quite fascinated by the cute word i read from your profile. You sound so wonderful and nice. I realize you processes all the qualities I needed in woman and your profile caught my eyes and captured my soul.. am a very good Christian with good sense of humor to me age is never a barrier in relationship.

I will like to know if you would like to chat so that we get to know each other better….. well i am Joe Biden and i am a widower and a father of one, l love helping people especially the less privilege ones,l like going dancing, swimming and playing golf….I’m new on this site and don’t know how much this can work out as i do not believe so much in the internet as a means of dating …. i will like to know you better if you don’t mind .

Love Greetings

Joe Biden”

Now.. quite obviously this is a scam..

First – It cracks me up that he has named himself Joe Biden.  (The name of the Vice President of the United States for those of you not from here, or those of you from here who are incredibly unaware..)

Generally,  the online dating scammers will appear to use a translator to craft their message.   (I am a very good processor of the qualities he is searching for..)    They are almost always of Christian faith and/or “God-fearing.”   And they are always a widower.    

And — if it ends something weird, like “Love Greetings”..  that’s probably the biggest indicator.

So – watch out for that.. this goes both ways…

I’m actually surprised I didn’t also get a yahoo email address to respond to.

Online Dating: Meeting People I Already Kinda Know

8 Nov

You know when you see someone, and you are certain you know them, but can’t place it?   This is something that rarely ever happens to me, and that’s because usually within seconds, my brain pieces together who the person is.   But, I had a moment the other day where my brain was taking it’s merry time, and it drove me crazy.

I got a message from someone online that I knew I knew.  I immediately responded, “I am not sure why or how, but I know you.”  and then went into investigator mode.  I asked him hundreds of questions.. (Okay, not hundreds.. I exaggerate..) to the point where I think he was getting annoyed.   (And also for all my male readers who think I am an evil bitch, I HAVE talked with him about other things too..)

I did manage to figure it out.

I have never fully understood the tweets and sayings that go “That awkward moment when..”   and I am quite sure only a small percentage of you could actually relate with this…  but…   It’s definitely an awkward moment when you have to convince someone that you photographed them 8 years ago, with their now ex-girlfriend.. and to prove as such, send a picture text of said photo, that for some odd reason you still have.  (I used to work at a chain photo studio..)

I have yet to tell him the reason why I still have it is because it was in my “These are cute guys” folder…  I’ll save that for if we actually start dating..  However given the creepiness factor,  I’d be surprised if he isn’t running for the hills.

Is It Wrong That I LOVE This?

6 Nov

Alas, it was not sent to me..  and I know it is probably not original..  but I absolutely adore this:

“After meticulously examining your online dating profile, I have reached the conclusion that we would make wonderful offspring together. I would very much enjoy engaging in the normal boring courtship ritual in which I destroy large portions of my earning power on activities with you while awkwardly building rapport in hopes for that first piece of fleeting physical contact. In the event that you have constructed enough trust, comfort, and connection with me, perhaps we can get married, buy a two story house with a white picket fence, have 2.5 children, and a Labrador Retriever (color to be determined). After 10 years, one of two things will happen: I will cheat on you with a college aged blonde cokewhore or you will trip and fall on the dick of a tradesman. Either will result in you taking half of my shit. If you are interested, please let me know.”

I forget what it’s called, but I know there is a book out there with messages such as this.. (Like the “My Roommate Bet Me $20 You Aren’t Real” message, etc.)  And even though I know they are made up,  I still think they are very clever, and would respond.   (That being said, if you copy it –   you’re dumb.. the original author –  genius I could probably fall for.)

“Either will result in you taking half of my shit.”   … True Story…

That Sounds Tiring

5 Nov

No….  just no….

“INTOXICATING… would you consider submitting to a mature man with erectile dysfunction? I need at least 8 hour sessions to build my sexual energy up. I am way hornier after 8 hours of sexual play that I am when we start. Are you up for nurturning my sexual energy and then submitting to that sexual energy?”

I’ll be the first to tell you that I probably don’t know as much about this stuff as I probably should…  but that just seems like too tiring of a process.

Eight hours?!   Shit  – I have things to do..

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →