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Another Classy Profile

11 Oct

“My self-summary:

Contact me if you want me to give you a dick. Cause that is all you woman on okcupid want.”

Au contraire, my friend.   The only profiles you tend to click are those of porn bots, because those are the photos that catch your eye first.   Of course THEY are looking for your dick, or rather your credit card.    Most girls on OKC?   No – I think it’s fair enough to say that most of us are looking for something somewhat real.

You guys gotta get past the shallow thing you do.  (Girls do too..)  I’ve said before that I don’t think guys photograph well –  and I think it’s very safe to say that a lot of girls will probably look cuter/hotter in person than it photos too.   Photos taken by professionals, for porn or otherwise,  will always draw you in.

For those of you that don’t know about how awesome Google is..  Google “reverse image search.”   It will teach you how to find out if a photo is a fake or not.  You are welcome.

I Need an Attitude Adjustment

9 Oct

“You’re super cute and fucking awesome :)”

Well – both of these are actually true, so I decided to write back.

“Thanks!  I agree.”

“You’re welcome. Im guessing youre not interested”

“Oh.  Okay.”

Guys – if you decide for a girl that she isn’t interested,  she shouldn’t be interested. I totally get that I didn’t really give him anything to work with, but in my defense –  he didn’t give me much to work with either.

“Haha or are you? I just thought the attitude was a signal”

The attitude?!  I didn’t realize I used my attitude font.   I thought I was agreeing with what he had to say..  If someone is agreeing with you,  I think more often than not it’s a good thing..  Maybe I’m off base..

You guys do need to quit with the whole guessing someone isn’t interested bit, though.. or at least telling the person that theory.   Nothing stops me in my tracks faster.

 

Who Needs Personality?

8 Oct

Some people looking for love online are looking for people to date, or for something casual.   Some are looking for someone with an awesome personality.    Some are looking for their soul mate…  And others are online dating to find something else- and feel the need to only ask the most important question on every man’s mind:

“Hey! I read your profile. Do you like giving roadhead? ?​”

You, too, could win yourself a beautiful girlfriend – all by just making someone online you find attractive feel like a piece of meat.   — Do you think not getting road head is his only deal breaker?

Please don’t tell me it’s time for all the boys to start howling at the moon, again..

Phucking

7 Oct

On September 30th, I got a message on my “fake” POF account that said:

 

“Dear Snake Charmer….  (remember I have a photo of me holding a snake..)

Love to meet you for soda, tea, cognac or what ever.

Timothy

p/s I threw a full bottle of horse radish at a neighbor’s cat trying to walk into my kitchen door this morning.
I missed the cat, but I broke the jar of horse radish..

Obviously I hate cats..and have dated my share of girls with them! 
I prefer only one pussy in my bed! T2″

 

I should also specify that on my fake POF profile, I bring up my dislike for cats.  (The profile itself is pretty vague.)

Even if this guy was in my area, and not hundreds of miles away – the lame pussy joke that I have gotten over and over is stupid..  Not to mention is man is TWENTY YEARS my senior.

 

Today.. I got part two.. (Which also happens to be his POF profile text..)

 

“OK….my second note to you..Better Block me!

Do you have a phucking clue what you are looking for?

Would you know him
if you saw him on the street?
Would you know him
if you woke up with him?
Would you know him,
if he was deep inside of you?

if He was Me?

Would you be petty and nit pick stupidities,as you have done so many times before.

Mister Perfect. Sure.

Lose the Good, in search of The Better..

Be intersted in booze and snooze and music groups, and football teams, and other stupidies ripping the seams..?

Looking for a Diamond, when you have a chunk of Gold?
And shit, winter is upon us, and nights will be Cold!

And the sheets hard and stiff, when with the right stiff lover, sheets could be wet and warm all winter long. How can you phuck this guy up??? You have done it before, you can phuck it all up again. Yes, this guy on the screen..you are reading him. He is actually just fine.

Wake Up, don’t lose another good man! Chrissake..how can you look so sharp, and be so stupid.
Tell it like it is!

You have missed plenty of opportunities with good guys who really were just fine, but You always had to just be perfect, and blow off another good guy, when you could have been perfectly happy, being accepting him and just blowing him.

Well, here we have a nearly perfect guy. Moi.

Healthy, except for a broken leg from skiiing in Switzerland. No bad habits, no excess baggage no dirty laundry no ex-wives in the closet.., no gambling debts, no drugs, He actually has a great home and a good job! Oh but, he shaves his head, oh but he is too stuffy and listens to opera, oh but he cooks really well, is a great dresser, and good party host and..yes, he is so good at night, afternoon and early in the morning..perhaps even for his age, he may just screw you more and better than you are used to…
but, but, he is so much older than you are…
so let’s just call that the Deal Breaker..
and move back to some Country Music College Boy,
with a backwards baseball hat,
who has spent last night
balling your best friend,
Pat..

Yeah..better just delete this guy..and just move on…”

 

So. Many. Thoughts…  Which probably don’t need to be typed because you already know how ridiculous this is.

I will leave you with this:  Did a 47 year old man really just spell “fucking” with a PH?!   And did I misinterpret.. or is name both Timothy and Pat?

Dis-Interest Implied?

6 Oct

Despite that my profile specifically says:  “If you strictly ask me how I am, do not expect a response..”    I got this message:

“Hey I’m [Name].  How are you?”

Now – Like I have said time and again, and even on my POF profile..  I won’t respond.   However,  the face that showed up attached to the message was someone I went to elementary, middle and high school with.

“I went to school with you, [Name].”

“I was gonna ask that.  You look familiar.  How are you?”

Now not answering how I was seemed rude.. and, I at least try to be nice when it involves people I know in real life.

“Fine.  Yourself?”

“I’m good.”

Awesome!   A chance to let the conversation die at that..  I didn’t respond for lack of anything to respond to.  But, alas..

“What are you looking for on here?”

“Nothing.  This site is a meat market.”

“What you mean?”

“Exactly what I said.”

(Good Lord.. I mean POF is a meat market.)

“Well do you want to get to know me?”

Now, flat out “no” is just bitchy.. so I figured I’d try the easy approach first..

“I already know you.. I have known you for years.”

“How do you know me?  We never talked haha”

“Bullshit.  I talked to you on the school bus almost every day.”

“That was like 9 10 years ago tho”

I get that people change and all that, but I think we hold true to who we are for the most part.  I never had anything against this dude, but certainly was never attracted to him – and already he isn’t impressing me on POF..   So, once again, I didn’t respond, hoping the conversation would fizzle.   Wrong again.

“Are you thinking I am someone else?  I’m confused.”

“No.  I know who you are.  You went to [Elementary School] and you lived right down the road from me.  You graduated from high school in [Year].”

“Oh ok.  Well we should hang out again.”

I took this as another opportunity not to respond.   If a girl isn’t responding favorably, or at all…  She isn’t going to hang out with you.

“If you want”

I didn’t and don’t want.. so I didn’t respond.

“You should call me sometime ***-***-****”

“I don’t really do the phone thing.”

(Which is bullshit.. but me just trying my best to be as nice as possible about it.)

“Oh how come?”

Once again,  I didn’t feel this really warranted a response..  So the message went ignored.

“So do you want to hang out sometime?”

After showing this to Velvet a few hours later, she told me that I needed to be a bit more bitchy.    My response wasn’t bitchy enough for Velvet.. but.. baby steps..

“Not really.”

Guys –  unless a girl truly is a bitch, she doesn’t want to be.   If she isn’t responding in a way to keep the conversation going (like only answering your questions, not asking any of her own..)  or isn’t responding at all… Take a freaking hint already!    Do you really want someone who you have to “win over” anyway?

 

 

 

That Seems Legit..

4 Oct

..And now back to our regularly scheduled programming..

“MY KIND OF LADY…HAPPY WEDNESDAY….LETS SNUGGLE………..would luv to meet pleasure those lips lots for u and get to know you more and kiss those lips for hours…do ..I massage for part of my living.. luv to meet give u a nice free full body massage..i am …. 6’4 195lbs very fit athletic, have ocean blue eyes, short shaved blonde hair..I am very flexible to cummmm over any time u like..u will like lots i am a great guy.”

That seems pretty legit.. Sign me up!

Ocean blue eyes…. *smh*

A Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend

3 Oct

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

Hi.  It’s me, CatLady.. You know, the girl who’s heart you put through the shredder, blender and then shredder again.  If you recall, you gave me “It’s not you, it’s me” line, and gave me absolutely no closure whatsoever.  We dated a really long time, so I must tell you –  that whole situation was pretty crappy.   It’s been quite a while since that happened.  I’ve been alright.  I’ve been writing a relatively popular blog, and meeting lots of new people – not that you’ve asked whenever I have seen you since you ripped my heart out.

I must say I was surprised to see your face pop up as an “awesome match nearby” for me the other day.  Not that I am surprised we are an awesome match, and not that I am surprised that you are online dating..  I mean more so the “punched in the gut” feeling of surprise.  I hope if/when you see my profile that you also feel punched in the gut.  Really, it would really only be fair.

Did I look at your profile?  Of course I did.  I’m a girl, and therefore a little nutty around the edges.  Your pictures are horrible.. but kudos for not putting one of the two of us up.  If that happens, you just may get this letter in person. (Please remember that I have never once yelled at you..)  The questions you have answered are interesting..  I feel I know you quite well, and either you are lying in a bunch of the questions, or have multiple personalities.  You really think you go “out of your way” to show someone you care for them?  That’s funny.  I would be interested to hear some examples of this, because you certainly have not done that with me.  I think you’re capable of going out of your way to be kind if you want to.. but, I wouldn’t say it’s common.   Anyway, I am not trying to be a bitch.. just some observations..

I thought I had sewn my heart up quite nicely, but seeing your face pop up there sure made me realize there are a few loose ends.  ”They say” it takes half of the relationship time to get over it..  so, me not being entirely over it yet could be considered normal.   Truth be told, I am happy where I am at.  You don’t consume all of me anymore.

Everybody laughed when I told them you popped up as a good match for me.  No one understands just how much it stings.  (I’m not even sure why it stings so much..)  I understand that it’s funny too,  but it hurts far more than it’s funny right now.   Hopefully I get to the point where the funny reigns supreme – today is not that day.  For now, I’ll just pick up the pieces and figure out what to do with them later.  I do truly want you to be happy.

That’s all, I guess.

Love,

Soon2BeCatLady

P.S.  Your lack of grammatical and spelling skills will be a deal-breaker for intelligent people online dating.. and I know you want someone intelligent. Use your spell check.   — And don’t say I never helped you with anything.

Crotch Rockets

2 Oct

My Twitter followers will be the first to tell you that I’ve had a dramatic night..  so, sadly for this guy – tonight was not the night to be messing with me.

“do u like to ride on crotch rockets? and a guy that does tattoos ?”

..Seriously??

“Do I like to ride on crotch rockets and on a guy that does tattoos? …Did you seriously just ask me that?”

“i said nothin about being on me”

“Then better explain your question – cuz that’s sure as hell how I read it.”

“i asked do u like to ride on crotch rockets period and a guy that does tattoos period thats it nothin perverted i promise”

Seems like the same question to me.  If he truly didn’t mean it to be perverted,  there are other ways to word it.  But, whatever.

“yet u have yet to answer the question lol”

“No, I don’t want to ride on you, or your crotch rocket.”

“wow a litttle angry are we later sorry for messagin u”

 

…Does the later indicate that he is really going to try again later???

Broken Record

30 Sep

In order for me to respond to your online dating message, you either need to engage me, or start to annoy the piss out of me.

“Simply beautiful n a woman I would like to hey to know better .. Hello I am [Name] 38 from [City]”

Two days later:

“Simply beautiful. Good morning”

Two weeks later:

“w0w!! Is the first words to come to mind.. Hello I am [Name] 38 from [City].. May I say your one beautiful woman…”

One day later:

“Good morning beautiful”

“Hello.”

“Good morning..”

“Let me guess.. [Name] 38 from [City]?”

 

I am only slightly curious as to how long this merry-go-round keeps spinning..

If You Lie, Expect Lies Back

29 Sep

Two weeks ago, I got a meat market message that simply read:

“wats ur number sexy”

I am sure you all know by now that I did not respond to this.  But,  sure enough –  he got a bug up his butt and decided he didn’t want to take no response for an answer, so he messaged me again today:

“Your really gorgeous to me!! Do you like meeting new ppl? I wouldn’t want to be strangers to u! I’m not on this site like that, I would live to have your number??”

Haha – today, I was in a feisty mood.

“You;re not on this site like what?”

“A lot”

Bullshit.  Clearly you are on it enough to see my face twice.

“Well, I don’t have a phone number.”

“Damn”

“Can I see you”

Guys – if a girl says she is responding to you from the online dating app,  the chances of her not actually having a phone is probably slim to none.. Chances of her not having a phone even without responding from the phone app is also slim to none.     She just isn’t interested, and that should be your hint to take a hike.

“Probably not.”

(I mean, for crying out loud, I was at work. Not that my answer would have changed had I not been at work.)

“K”

Sigh…  (Throw in that his profile is only all jumbled letters, and we have ourselves a KEEPER, ladies and gentlemen!)

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