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Wanted: Desperate Female

9 Aug

Someone got a little cranky that a certain almost Cat Lady didn’t respond when she was checking her messages on her phone, while on a short break at work, and decided to send another message.

“Delete your profile if you don’t have time to talk. Moron.”

Oh my gosh..  GUYS!!!   Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have to pretend to have a life?!  I didn’t realize totally desperate is what you were looking for – cuz I can DEFINITELY play that card.

From now on,  I am going to sit by the phone, errr.. computer, and anxiously await for your messages, and respond back within 5 seconds so you know I am interested.   However – Don’t immediately respond back to me – I need a man who has a life so that when he is out doing things, I can be playing with my cats.   Deal?!

Form Letter – Take 2

8 Aug

“Hi,

I messaged you not too long ago, but I’m guessing you got busy, and haven’t had time to respond. Either that, or you’re not interested. I’m not sure which, but I’m still curious if you’d like to chat?”

Guys – if a girl doesn’t respond back within a few days (provided she has been online..)  She is NOT into you, and sending another message – unless it is amazingly clever and witty (and still maybe not..) won’t be changing anything.

This guy’s “Self Summary” part of his profile is a huge rant on how people are SO rude if they don’t respond – which is why I am quite surprised he messaged twice.   I am generally a nice person, but as you all should know by now, I don’t respond to form letters.

What’s even better though is that after his rant about how we shouldn’t be rude and respond, even if to say “No Thanks.”   He then says it pisses him off how people stop responding after awhile,  or delete their profile -and how if the reader plans to do that, don’t bother to respond in the first place.  (Wait.. what?)

I did respond to his message letting him know that my online dating pet peeve is Form Letters, and that’s why he didn’t get a response- and then also a snippet of why I also wasn’t interested.

Online Dating Photos

7 Aug

In attempt to be awesome and have an actual life, I nearly forgot to write a blog entry today!   Yikes.   But I DO want to talk about online dating photos again.

I can’t speak for ladies photos, because I really don’t meet girls off the internet..

But- to those of you new to the online dating world..  (Girls, I am talking to you in particular..)   Be forgiving when looking at these guy’s pictures.  Read the profile, too. I have met several people online, and every last one of them, with the exception of one, was WAY cuter in person than in their photos.

I met up with a guy once and I was almost positive I wasn’t going to be attracted to him – his photos were awful.   Turns out, he was adorable.   As a general rule, guys don’t photograph well.

If his profile indicates he is a total tool, AND his pictures don’t do anything for you – then by all means, don’t send or reply to a message.   But,  if the profile intrigues you – do it.   Worst case scenario you meet up and gain a new friend.

It’s Not Just Me!!

6 Aug

I got the following message from one of my blog readers today, and felt it should be shared.   It’s not only me who gets weird and crazy messages!

**

I received the following message the other day and thought you might get a kick out of it! It made me laugh and do not worry I did not respond.

“Hi, how are you?

So I have been looking for a long term thing for quite some time and have gotten kind of discouraged with looking for the time being. Due to the lack of getting any while looking long term, I am more looking for a friends with benefits or no strings attached sexual fun for the time being. Anything from I’ll show you mine if you show me yours to a full out romp in the bed sheets and anything in between. You call all the shots, entirely at your pace and level if you would be interested in a little play. I’m not opposed if something long term were to develop, just isn’t my main focus right now.

I would like to know if you would be interested at all, even if its temporary till you find what you are looking for? If not please just let me know!

Thanks Dear!
(Name Removed)”

**

I am very glad my reader didn’t respond.   How rude is this message?!  “You’re not what I’m looking for in a relationship, but you’ll do so I can get laid.”?????  And then he continues to say let him know EITHER WAY if she’s interested or not?!   ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!   I think it goes without saying that a lack of response would indicate she’s not interested.

Some guys need to think more upstairs than downstairs.  For real.

Can I Interest You in Some Casual Sex?

5 Aug

Oh boys and their ways of trying to impress women..

“that’s too bad you’re not interested in casual sex, i have a huge horse cock”

For starters:   Doubtful..   I have a feeling if I was interested in having him prove this statement, I would bet at least ten dollars that I would be disappointed.

Let’s pretend, however, that this is factual.   No thank you, even more so.  That just sounds painful.   To me, at least, a “huge horse cock” is not a selling point.  My girly parts are wincing just thinking about it.

It is funny though, that he clearly read through that casual sex is not what I am looking for – but messaged anyway to see if he could change my mind.

Sorry dude.

Don’t Answer That!

3 Aug

Even though my blog is mainly about first online dating messages that should have never been sent in the first place,  I have yet another.  (I know, you’re shocked, right?)

“I’m a strong man for u…u live alone?”

Woah woah woah..   Guys – don’t ask a female you don’t know if she lives alone.  That is creepy.. and Ladies,  I feel it goes without saying.. but don’t answer that question!   I hope I get some male reader feedback supporting my viewpoint on this.

There is no reason in the world why someone would need to know your living arrangement unless they know you.   Let’s say I live alone.. then what?  Would you also like to know where I keep my spare key?    Would me having a body-builder roommate stop you from messaging me?

Believe me, you are not coming over to my place.   If we are to meet at all, it will be in a very public venue, and several people I know will know where we are.. and perhaps may be there too.

I just don’t see why this information would be pertinent, unless someone were planning on robbing and/or raping me.

Awkward – Part 852

1 Aug

The Universe LOVES watching me squirm..

I work in a predominantly female industry, in a corporate office.   Today at work, we had some fun activities going on for the employees, and I was in charge of an activity station for a half hour.  As people were coming and going, I noticed a familiar face headed in my direction.. except he was out of place.   This dude didn’t work with me,  this is a dude from OKCupid.

I kinda shrugged it off and thought to myself “Nah.. couldn’t be.. must be a look-alike.”  as the guy I had talked to online went to great detail months ago about his fabulous job and just how wonderful he was at it.   However,  when I had to request his name to check him in for the said event,  it became very clear, very quickly, this in fact was the same guy.  (I HATE my memory sometimes!)

When I got home from work, I looked up his profile, and it is definitely the same person.  I tried to find our previous conversations, but I had not kept them.   All I remember was for some reason or another, I wasn’t interested – and when he was informed of that he became one of those online dating babies who told me that I am probably fat or something along those lines,   and that I should stop being picky since I am obviously desperate.

I am not quite sure why I am absolutely mortified about this – most of my co-workers know I do the online dating thing – but I am.  I have no idea if he recognizes me, and I hope he doesn’t.

I am not online dating because I am desperate, I am online dating because it is hilarious…  but can it PLEASE stop being this kind of hilarious?!

Monopoly

31 Jul

“Have you ever made bets while playing Monopoly? Sexy bets that include the consumption of alcohol and giving lady luck a chance? 😉 “

Obviously responding to something like this could easily get one in trouble.. but I am very curious as to how “Sexy Monopoly” would be played.  Let’s face it,  Monopoly is the longest game ever – if you buy a house do you get to put an article of clothing back on?

Because my intrigue will definitely not be answered on OKCupid or POF.. (I just can’t..)   Let’s see how creative you all are.

How would you play “Sexy Monopoly?”

Paranoid Much?

30 Jul

I sent an OKCupid IM the other day to someone who I thought was cute.   I consider first IM’s be a bit more casual than your first online dating message, because it’s a “real-time” conversation.    So, for the record:  I did just say “Hello!”   I didn’t get a response, so I left it at that.

Until the next day, I received a message which made it clear this guy hadn’t seen my original IM when I had sent it.

“First I must question why you are messaging me? ARE YOU A SPAMMER? DO YOU WANT MONEY? DO YOU NEED TO BE SAVED FROM A TERRIBLE SITUATION? 
If you are ANY of these, please delete this conversation now and I will forgive you. If you choose to persusue me with ANY of the above mentioned LIES, I will report you, hound you, and creep into your dreams in the middle of the night and drive you mad. 
Have a nice day.”

I totally understand that there are bots and such out there..  but there are real people online too, and jumping to conclusions isn’t going to help any.  I decided not to respond, because I believe I fall under the “Need to be saved from a terrible situation” category, in which I don’t want to become a literal crazy cat lady.

Oh well, on to the next.

99% Enemy OKCupid Date

28 Jul

So, Velvet here with a guest entry. Because even Crazy Cat Ladies need time to themselves, right??

Cat Lady and I have had an ongoing curiosity about the matchmaking processes and algorithms on OKCupid. One of the things I had always wondered – what would happen if you went on a date with a really high enemy percentage? Would the bar or coffee shop explode? Would lightening bolts cross back and forth between the two OKC enemies until both hearts stopped? Would evil be unleashed upon the country? 

So, throwing risk to the wind, I decided to give it a shot. I scrolled until I found someone LITERALLY 99% my enemy. He didn’t look overly creepy, there were no weapons or leather in any of his pictures, and his profile actually sounded pretty funny and charming. I clicked the “questions” section—holy buckets!! So. Much. Pink. (For those of you not on this site-the answers to the many personality type questions that don’t match the person whose profile you are viewing are highlighted in pink) I don’t there was a single answer that matched. Relationship thoughts, sex, social activities, politics…all pink. Wow.

So-I sent him a message.

“Hi there! I can’t help but notice that we are supposed to be mortal enemies. Want to meet?”

Almost immediately, there was a response. “Sure, what the hell. Want to meet for a beer?”

We exchanged a few messages, laughed about online dating in general, and set up the date. Through the next days, we exchanged more messages. He seemed REALLY nice and funny. What the heck? I thought we were supposed to hate each other. The web site said so. They know everything, right?

So, I show up at the bar the obligatory 10 minutes early, order myself a beer, and begin to panic. All of the normal What-if-he-doesn’t-show-or-I-don’t-recognize-him-or-he’s-an-ax-murderer stuff. You know, typical Friday night online date type stuff.

He shows! He’s ADORABLE. WAY cuter than his pictures. His smile immediately makes my tummy flip. (that’s a good thing) We talked almost non-stop for FIVE HOURS. We swap dating stories. He has a friend writing a book about online dating – I have a friend with a blog. He works in the entertainment industry – I work in a different part of the same industry. He plays guitar – I am hot for musicians!!! We talked about the questions that we have answered so very differently. As it turns out-once we explain the reasons for our answers, they are actually not so very polar opposites. As it happens, he is just way more literal in his interpretation of the answers, where I read into them a bit more. (See Cat Lady’s blog entry about that – yes, I am one of those bat-shit-crazy girls…)

So the date ends with a lingering hug, and mutterings about meeting up again. I get home, and see a message from him. (!!) He tells me that he regrets not kissing me, and he hopes to see me again. I reply that I would welcome the opportunity to kiss him in the future.

And then? Nothing. Nada. No message, no email, no text, no call, no smoke signal. WTH???

Until today. Just shy of a week later. I got the worst email you can get-aside from “You suck and I hate you.”

What did it say? 

“Been busy. How R U?”

*Facepalm*

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