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Hilarious Fail.

11 Apr

“Your the one for me……This is for you sweetie. Beautiful, charming, elegant, intelligent, classy, attractive, seductive, sexy,
respectful, open minded, fascinating, amazing, awesome, ravishing, appealing, alluring, glamorous, generous, sensual, adorable,
lovely, gorgeous, dazzling, striking, wonderful, fabulous, brightly shining, breathtakingly admirable, heavenly, divine,….. I find no
words to express the extremely overwhelming beauty you are blessed with, because those words will probably never be
invented…PERIOD!”

Now – quite obviously this was a form letter..  but with THAT much flattery, I figured the least I could do was thank him.

“Aww, well thank you. That’s very sweet.”

“ARE YOU REALLY SINGLE THERE KNOW WAY…..
WOULD U LIKE TOO CHAT SWEETIE???”

I had logged off before I even saw that message, and went back on later.   5 minutes after sending the message above, he had sent another:

“Your the one for me……This is for you sweetie. Beautiful, charming, elegant, intelligent, classy, attractive, seductive, sexy,
respectful, open minded, fascinating, amazing, awesome, ravishing, appealing, alluring, glamorous, generous, sensual, adorable,
lovely, gorgeous, dazzling, striking, wonderful, fabulous, brightly shining, breathtakingly admirable, heavenly, divine,….. I find no
words to express the extremely overwhelming beauty you are blessed with, because those words will probably never be
invented…PERIOD!”

D’oh!

(In other news, HAPPY BIRTHDAY #31!!  April10 – since my blog is on GMT)

Advice Probably Not Taken

9 Apr

“Hi! How are you?!… Sending this note hoping that after all those e-mails that you have been receiving you would have the chance to check mine 🙂 …
I like what I read in your profile, and you definitely have some nice pics here… So If you like what you read and see in my profile, please don’t hesitate and say hi anytime ok 😉 … Have a great weekend!
I am attaching some pics… hope you like them! “

This message was sent to me on OKCupid.   If you frequent OKC, you are aware that you cannot send pictures in a message.   This is a basic form letter that I had received plenty of times at PlentyOfFish.    I am usually not one to fight back, but doggone it-  POF and OKC need to be two different places for my sanity.

“How are you attaching photos?”

“I am good 🙂 … How your weekend is going?…”

“Want to re-read that maybe?”

“What is your problem smarty pants?”

“My problem is that firstly, you sent me a form letter. You didn’t attach photos, as you have no way to do that on this website.

My second problem was that I asked how you were attaching photos, and you neglected to read “attaching photos?” and instead just read “How are you” and responded to that.

Perhaps you should go back to POF.”

“Nope I am having more luck in ok cupid… Maybe not with you… Be happy is happy Easter! … ;)”

At very least, I am glad that he has proved my point that OKCupid is WAY better than PlentyOfFish.

“I am very happy – but since I am a firm believer that OKC is the better place to be, I feel it necessary to tell you to at least update your form letter.. and become classier yourself, and you will have even BETTER luck.”

“Thanks for the advice”

 

..I highly doubt he will take it though.

Boy Toy

6 Apr

Part of me wishes that I was more promiscuous, because the social experiments I would conduct would be fascinating.  Or perhaps just a gun to protect myself if things got out of line.   But, instead, I will go based on what I know to be true by witnessing others.

I have said this before, but to remind you – even though I hate everything that is Plenty of Fish because of how gross it is –  I try to “help out” my POF fans by telling them I would be more likely to respond if they mention my favorite TV show.

” have not seen the show..but if you ever need a boy toy..”

…And this guy’s profile says he is looking for a long term relationship…

Here’s what I don’t understand:   Why do guys think that girls really don’t have any options?   I mean, I understand the stereotype “She’s online dating, she must be desperate.”  but seriously – if I was looking for a good time, I am pretty sure I could make that happen.   (Again- no experience in this, because I am quite a respectable girl..)   Doesn’t this just require a few fluttering eyelashes and whispering something a little suggestive?

So,  what I am saying is this:   If I was looking for a boy toy,  I wouldn’t go to a stranger on the internet.   And, come on… even the website suggests that there are plenty of fish.  I guess you miss the shots you don’t take, but really? What is the success rate of soliciting normal people for physical attention on online dating sites?    Like I said,  part of me wishes I thought that was a good idea, because I’d be doing some research.

Instead I wrote back, “Doesn’t your profile say you are looking for a long term relationship?  Am I not worthy of one of those?”    

“Aww, don’t say that. Of course you’re worthy of one of those. I’ve just been so darn busy lately and had a lot of my mind, and I’ll admit, I may be a lil in the mood here and there 😉 So please don’t take offense.”

Yeah- the answer is still no.

No.

31 Mar

“I would love to get to no you if you want to get to no this guy im sweet loyal caring etc.”

No?  NO!?

You can spell words like loyal and caring..  but you write “no” instead of  “know”?   Are you kidding me?    I don’t even think he is literally a bad speller, this just indicates pure laziness.    I can’t get over it.

Additionally,   while sweet, loyal and caring are definitely fantastic qualities – I am 100% certain that if this were all a girl looked for in a man,  there’d be a lot less single people in the world.   While certainly there are people out there without those qualities-  people who want to be in a relationship tend to carry them, if only for the beginning..  So, in a way, it goes without saying.

Do I want to get to no this guy?   Know, know I don’t.

The Online Dating Profile Picture

28 Mar

I am almost regretting writing this already because I have a feeling I am going to get a lot of calls and text messages that say “You don’t mean ME though, right?”   So, to stop that from happening:  YES!  I MEAN YOU!!

I try very hard when it comes to online dating to not make a decision on a profile photo alone, because I understand that some people are not photogenic and others are too photogenic.

As you should all know by now,  I have a tendency of finding people I know online.

Guys –  would you freaking post a photo of you that you actually look good in?!  Have a girl pick out your profile photo or photos for you.   I had a visitor to my profile a few days ago, and it was someone I knew and could pick out of a huge crowd.   I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS HIM!   The picture was THAT bad.   This has happened far too many times.  This particular guy is super cute in real life  – not so much in the picture.

I know you know some girls – if you don’t- email me the choices and I will tell you which to choose.. but I think it’s best if someone you know in real life picks it out for you.   Or tells you it’s time to take some new photos.    Personal preference for me:  I don’t want to see you decked out in Zombie apparel.  I have yet to see one Zombie be even remotely attractive.  (I know it’s not the point – just save that one for the people who love you anyway and post it to Facebook.)

Also – lastly, just as a public service announcement:   Don’t, under any circumstance,  post a photo of your junk.  EVER.

Seriously.

 

 

Shame on Me!

25 Mar

Oh form letters…

“You are stunning, and yes I do take care of my self. The fact you look better than most 20 something I know, I think I may have fallen in some serious Puppy lust from afar. Do you not feel guilty for tempting this very innocent mind as such?lol

sweet smile. Nice top.”

Yes, shame on my more professional looking headshot for making you super innocent 41 year old man trolling Plenty of Fish puppy lust from afar.   (I assume “from afar”  is because he lives about a 4 hour plane ride away.)

I am so glad he clarified that he takes care of himself as well.   That will make it much easier to decide to meet up should he ever be in my area.  (Did you feel my eyeroll across the interwebs?)

I am not sure why some people waste one another’s time on this stuff.  I highly doubt he will be moving any time soon.  I sure have no intentions of it – at least not because of someone I met online.

Trickery

20 Mar

“You still haven’t said when I get to take you out???”

That’s because you have not ONCE talked to me before, you strange strange man.

Seriously – why do some of you who parade the meat markets think we  are stupid?    Especially since most dating websites will combine messages from the same user-  so, it also INFORMS me that we haven’t spoken.

I wonder how often he gets a response to that message with “Oh.. oops!”

I’m sorry – but if someone believes I am going to be tricked into that –  I know that relationship would be doomed from the start.   I imagine he would be quite a manipulative catch..

Maybe I’m wrong.. but I don’t intend to find out.

Tags: ,

Out-of-Towner

17 Mar

Oh Plenty of Fish,  you keep tricking me into believing there are decent people in the world!  ::shakes fist::


“How spontaneous would you consider yourself”

Ack – I hated this question from the start.  In real life –  I am more spontaneous than most.   In regards to online dating,  not really.

“Depends on the situation.”

“Well the situation is you are gorgeous..Im in [city] with nothing to do  and would totally buy you a drink 🙂 thats pretty spontaneous”

“It is.. but sadly, it’s a work night.  Thanks though.”

I then looked to see that this guy lives about 6 hours driving distance away.

“tonight is a work night?  what do you do?  And what is tomorrow”

“I meant I work early tomorrow.. so I am in for the night.  I work in [field].  Tomorrow is Friday.”

“lol ooo a smartass 🙂 I like it…Tomorrow happy hour?”

“I don’t know about that.”

“well I told you it’d have to be spontaneous. It amazes me that people always pass up on opportunities in life. Maybe Im just more curious and always wonder what if, or hate to wonder what if and like to just go for. I think thats whats helped make me successful in life….But obviously it doesn’t seem I’m going to be successful in knowing what getting to know you would be like”

“There is nothing wrong with spontaneous – however – you have to understand that I am a female, and driving 45 minutes away from home to meet a stranger on the internet doesn’t necessarily sound like the safest thing ever.. especially considering I know absolutely zilch about you.”

“lol well then have the stranger drive 45 mins to see u”

I did not agree to anything- but gave him my pseudo number.  (Again, Google Voice for the win, people..  Get one..)  I was at least intrigued to learn what would happen next.

So – I got a text message today, asking what I was doing.  Well – working obviously.  Sadly, blogging has yet to start paying my bills.

“So what are you doing after work”

“I am not 100% sure yet.”   – A true statement.

“So wanna drink and maybe make out”

Duuuuude- I don’t even know this guy’s name.  I’ll be honest, with not much to do on a Friday night –  I contemplated meeting up for the heck of it.. until he said that.  (I would have bought my own drink..)  Granted, that was a lot tamer than most of the online dating “requests” I receive..  but still-   saying yes to a drink but no to “maybe making out”  would almost ensure I’d be roof’ied.

Guess I’m stayin’ in tonight.  =)

Here’s an original

14 Mar

Message time-stamped at 4:20pm:

“Come smoke a bowl with me :)”

How clever playing up the time like that..

In his defense,  this wasn’t his first message to me.  He had messaged me about a month ago, in response to my profile stating I don’t write back to “Hi, how are you?” or anything of that sort..  (This is POF.. If I responded to all of these messages, I would *officially* not have a life.)

“I don’t think you understand how big of a waste of time it is for guys to write out a huge message and not get a response.”

I had never mentioned anything about a huge message either-   I also disagree with those.. but anyway:

“Same for girls..”

“Well what’s up then? What you want, what’s your deal?  I just created my profile and looking for any cool chicks on here. It’s my understanding most just want to chat and never hangout haha..according to the homies that is”

“That’s because you are on POF.. and most guys on POF are only
here looking to get laid. If you are actually looking for a
relationship, I’d recommend trying OKCupid.”

“Naw I couldn’t handle a relationship right now…laid doesn’t sound to bad lol”

 

Once again – the reasoning behind why I call POF “The Meat Market.”

 

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