Soon2BeCatLady

You just know it’s going to be an awesome online dating story when the message comes from a guy 5 years younger than you and is an extraordinary 5% match.

“Hey sexy”    (Good Lord, shoot me now.)

“Hello.”

“Hey NM chilling on my day off wats up wit u”

Apparently I had asked one of my infamous imaginary questions again..   Silly me.

“Did you really answer an imaginary question?”

“Wat u mean”

I mean GO BACK TO 3RD GRADE!!

“Let’s see.. I said “Hello.” and you said “Hey NM..” Does that make logical sense to you?”

I think using a big word like “logical” scared him away.    Poor baby.

“Hey do you want to get paid to kick a guy in the balls?”

Oh boy, do I ever!  Do I get to pick the guy?!?!

Seriously though..  I would guess this guy has a certain individual in mind, and wouldn’t it be a little obvious to the poor victim that he has been set up if a female he has never seen before randomly went up to him and kicked him in the jewels?

The only way I would ever consider kicking some guy in that region is if I were literally being attacked.   I certainly hope that no girl intentionally ever does this to a guy, unless it is in self defense.. and I don’t mean self defense from tickling.

See guys .. I may pick on you a lot – but I have your best interests at heart.

Does the following make any sense at all?

“Hello Mistress,, could you please accept me as an ass hole and like your feet dog,, you can order me anything and at any time you wanna,, you I am in love with your style and your wildly and also I am worshiping all of you daddy <3:-*”

Not that he would have gotten a response if he was clearer.. but right here is an example of what happens when you are drunk and cruising the online dating websites.    You don’t get a response, and you get mocked by me.

Nothing says druggie with a case of the munchies (or at best –  “tool”) like the following message which appeared in my inbox at 3am:

“Can I get a Big-Mac, a Coke, large fries, and a twenty piece McNugget? Wait, can I also get 2 of each dipping sauce?”

I’ll tell ya- this one confuses me a bit, too.   I don’t mention the golden arches anywhere in my profile – and the only way this message may not be taken offensively is if someone mentions that they work there.  However, if someone did work there, I imagine this message would not amuse them either.

Well, great.  Now I’m hungry.   (Not for McDonalds though.. yuck!)

Oh Meat Market.. What am I ever going to do with you?

Very few of my readers know me in real life – but those of you that do will probably find this next message quite amusing.

“So you have any stds? Seems like you’d open your legs for anyone “

I am not exactly sure where this guy got that sort of idea.   I list online that I am looking for new friends and a long term relationship.   I don’t rattle off my amazing sack skills, or my fascination with male genitalia on my profile.

It sounds like he wouldn’t be interested in the kind if person he perceives me to be, yet at the same time apparently wants to know if that territory is “safe.”

I am confused on so many levels.

It always makes me laugh when someone turns angry and mean after a few messages back and forth, when I have told them I don’t believe I am interested.. or that they have yet to pass my pre-screening tests and therefore I am not comfortable meeting up.    I’ve been told my pictures are probably outdated and that I’m probably really fat.   I’ve been told I am probably “only good for a blindfolded blowjob anyway”.. and sadly so many others.

Some people really don’t like being turned down.   The reason for the mean comments is because this is the internet, and although there usually are pictures..  some people don’t understand there is an actual person on the other end.   I believe that in real life this doesn’t happen when people are kindly turned down.

Today’s message is one of those..  except, to me – doesn’t seem as mean as others I have received in the past..  but again, is really funny to me.  (And honestly – probably true!)

“by the time you eventually leave this site you will be undergoing menopause. “

A look on the bright side though:   He thinks I will eventually leave the site!  There’s hope for me!!

If you are going to make shit up..  you need to make it believable.

“Hey how`s your week flowing? I was looking up “fish” recepes for a friendly get together im having soon , and then suddenly realized, what site i`ve now stumbled across!! makes sense in a way, as I`ve recently turned single atm, Weird, and have now ended up on here!!!! haha so technically, you`re the first person im talking too!! make a good impression!”

Looking up fish recipes and wound up creating a full-blown profile on Plenty of Fish?   I did look at his profile, and it was lengthy enough where I didn’t believe for one second any of the nonsense above.

“I call B.S.”      (So much for a good impression, eh?)

“thats true.. just testing… fail..”

And just like that – tail between the legs and on to the next.   If his profile was minimal, and his story maybe slightly tweaked,  I may not have called him out on it.   But, seriously?