Soon2BeCatLady

Common sense, my friends..  Why has this disappeared?  There are so many things that should be quite obvious that you never say as a part of a first message to someone.

“i have only been charged with rape but never convicted. “

Where did that come from?!  I know I didn’t ask.

Maybe he thinks that this is his “deal-breaker” so he should throw it out there immediately.  But honestly – sometimes those deal breakers need to hide for awhile.    There is a time and a place for that to be brought up, and it should never be to a complete stranger.

My imaginary cats are smarter than this yahoo.

Although these messages have long since surprised me – it was interesting to see the amount coming through the Meat Market last night.   What was going on in the universe last night (aside from it being a Friday night)?

“hey wanna fuck?”

Guys-  I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this – but I don’t believe this message has ever worked, for anyone.  (Ladies – if this works for you,  correct me in a comment.)

It doesn’t even work if it follows a compliment:

“Damn! You’re gorgeous! Would you mind sitting on my face for a while? Lol”

Could you ever imagine being asked how you met..  “Well, he asked me online if I would sit on his face awhile..”    I don’t understand why these guys don’t understand that girls want to be swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor.  Is this really too much to ask for?

The next approach also doesn’t work – at least for self-sufficient girls like me:

“$200 to take you to bed interested”

For me to consider such things.. it would have to be REALLY worth my while..  I’m sorry, but $200 would not take me long to come up with if I really needed it.

But perhaps my favorite of all:

“Mt mom said I could have some friends over for a sleep over. W ant to come?”

At least it’s somewhat clever, despite not knowing how to spell “my.”   However, I am not looking for a man who thinks he is twelve years old.

Dear Internet,  Aren’t you supposed to be providing me someone wonderful and intelligent?!

When I read this message-  I totally heard Billy Mays in my head..

“Thank you for reading my message 🙂 You sound AMAZINGGG and a blast to be around!! I do think our personalities coincide well with each others.
Are you’re tired of playing with the little boys, wannabe thugs and man children? Looking to put an end to the games and start to make a life with someone special? Then take a look at my profile and imagine the possibilities.”

Perhaps he can help me install some Hercules Hooks.

In other news:   There is such a thing as cat wigs.  For my impending cat ownership, I may need to consider this:   Kitty Wigs.

A very long time ago, I expressed to you all that I had a photo of me as a mime.   This still holds true today – I don’t actually mime, but a friend of mine needed a body for a photo project, and that turned out to be me.   The photos are very artistic and neat, and what the heck?     Back then, I had received one message which I still have in my OKCupid inbox.

For kicks, I added a different mime photo from that shoot onto another online dating profile of mine.. and my poor sweet computer near got a shower of soda after I read the following message I received today:

“do you give real hand jobs or just mime them??”

Hahahahahaha!!!!   Only the best imaginary ones EVER.

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I cannot believe there is more to the story..  AFTER posting, I looked at this guy’s page..   This is Adam… from way back in the day on a different dating website..  Oh. My. God.

I got an instant message from a 24 year old that lives pretty close tonight..  I was on my way out the door, but decided to accept it anyway:

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“I think you are really cute, and I like that you don’t party.”  

(This is clear indication he read my profile, because I did list on there that I don’t really tend to go out partying.  For record’s sake:  I am an old lady.)

“Cool.”

“What do you like about my profile?”

You all know how much I hate being asked that – and truthfully I was on my way out the door.

“I haven’t seen your profile.. and I have to go.  Have a nice night.”

I closed the chat without giving him a chance to respond.   When I got to my destination, my lovely cell phone alerted me that I have an unread message.. which happened to be from this class act:

“You’re dumb.”

Haha..

“Okay.”

And that was the end of that..  I am very glad I didn’t waste more than 2 minutes of my life on this.

This is perhaps the longest first message I have ever received.  I almost called it a form letter, which I believe it to be for the most part.   I think overall, it’s too much..

“Good morning [Soon2BeCatLady],
While listening to Thornley’s “Can’t Keep a Good Man Down”, and reviewing your profile, I want you to know I thought it was a really enjoyable read about your straight and forward attitude. You laid it out there and seem like you don’t and won’t play games which is a great characteristic. (A big plus)

I don’t know your name…well hopefully soon I may if you find me to your liking that is. But, you have that girl next door quality that I’m looking for in a woman. Lastly, it’s your eyes and smile that could light up a room.

For the record, I’m not like 99.99999 percent of the douchebags on this site who are trying to talk their way into your pants.

I’m actually one of the few looking for something real and whole. It’s been too long for me (over two years) and I’m finally ready to find one woman to commit to.

I will do my best to make your ribs hurt from laughter. If it takes a good joke, my own stupidity as a young soldier (Yes, I’m an Army Vet) some situational comedy, or even pulling out some old school physical comedy, aka “The Jack Tripper”From 3’s Company, I’ll make you laugh. I promise. 

I am absolutely positive that we could share horror stories about who’ve and what we’ve seen through this site. I’m sure you get 100s of emails weekly, maybe even daily. Hopefully, mine stands out as someone you’d like to get to know. Hence my need to make first contact. After what I’ve received, you start to think “Is this all I attract? Really?” So, here I am, putting myself out there for you to make that choice if I’m cool enough to talk to or not.-Smiles-

My profile, it’s a broad overview of what I’m about and who I’m looking for. I hold nothing back and I’m sure that’s what you’re looking for, someone honest about themselves and what they want in life. Were you winded after reading it? –Laughs-

To be honest, I’m taking a shot here emailing you and figured, “WTHeck? Why not!? The worst she can do is:
1. Not reply
or 
2. Tell me “Go take a long walk off a short pier jackass!”

My Mom always told me “Jeffrey, if she likes you and she gives you her number, you call her. Boys call girls sweetheart, girls don’t call boys. It’s only gentlemanly to do so.” My Mom was a genius-Smiles-.

One thing I am up front and direct about is that if you don’t find me to your liking, please notify me of said request. That way, I won’t continue to email you back.

It would be great to hear back from you. I’m just an honest guy looking for a good woman.

Lastly, I’m including my y a h o o I M handle if you’d like to talk outside of this horrid site.

Take care & warmest regards,

Jeffrey
[Location]
Yahoo IM – [removed]
Email – [removed] (It’s…..an old Army nickname…..I can explain later for you-Smiles-)
Band Website: [removed]
Phone number ? No, My Mom always said that “Boys call Girls Jeffrey, they like that. So if you’re comfortable after a bit, it would be great to get yours.
“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”-General Colin Powell-“”