Archive | Stupid Messages RSS feed for this section

Spell bounding

12 May

Oh you boys and your creative adjectives.   Plenty of Fish rarely lets me down.  I changed my profile on POF to say,  “All I am looking for is someone to shovel my driveway in the winter, and to mow the lawn in the summer – is that really too much to ask?”  

Apparently it’s not…

“Hi beautiful lady..How are you doing today? I came across your profile and trust me it was spell bounding. I couldn’t resist to know more about you.”

Apparently me wanting a man to do man chores is spell bounding.

However-  I did the same experiment on OKCupid, and I am not getting quite as many messages as before.   More proof behind if you are somewhat intelligent and actually looking for a relationship – OKCupid is the better site to be on.   POF is full of dudes without their shirt on – telling girls who don’t like “man work” that they are spell bounding.

 

Can I Be a Fly In Your Brain?

6 May

I’ve said it before and I am sure I will say it again and again.  First messages floor me.   I wish I could be a fly in some people’s brains sometimes.

“sorry I dont have a photo here”

Here is someone apologizing to me, out of nowhere, for something I have never called him out on.   I’ve never been to his profile either.   Could you imagine this in a “real-life” scenario?    Being approached at a bar with the line of “Sorry, I don’t have money here.”    (I would assume not having money at the bar would be about equal to not having a face on your online dating profile?)

Sigh..

“Okay.”

“whats your name?”

I think I may give this guy’s strategy a try sometime..  maybe randomly message someone:  “Sorry I’m a bitch.”    That’s sure to get me a man, right?!

***

Or – the other first message I received today:

“I have an accent and I have 10″ dick. Would you be interested in FWB?”

“No.”

“Are you sure, it could be fun :)”

“I’m sure.”

Giving your phone number to EVERYONE.

30 Apr

Again for kicks, I logged on to my POF account that lists me as living a few states away.

“Hello hottie. Attractive man here .Dark hair. Blue eyes. Great body .Text me ***-***-****
Ed”

I decided it might a fun project to actually respond to one of these messages, so Ed was the lucky winner.   I sent him a text (Google Voice for the win, folks!):

*

Self proclaimed great body, huh?

Hey. How are you? Name?

Want to see?

I am great. Your message to me called me “Hottie.” I don’t mind going by that.

And no, not in particular. Your message just said to text you.

Have any pics?

You have seen my pics.

Your name on pof?

You don’t know my name on POF? Do you just give your phone number out to everyone?

No I don’t.

Well, then you should know.  So.. you asked me to text you. What do you want?

Where are you from

Maybe you ought to do your homework before requesting someone text you.

Your being difficult. Bye

You’re.

*

Hahaha!   And that’s why giving your phone number out on your initial POF form letter doesn’t work.   Even though he says he doesn’t give it out to everyone he messages,  he has handed it out so many times, he has no idea who I am.

Update:  I think I broke his brain.   Since the texting event occurred, he has messaged me 3 more times within 3 hours..  Twice with his copy and paste message, and the third with a plain “Hello.”    I get that people sometimes forget who they have messaged.. but 4 times within 3 hours?

Scam.

28 Apr

“Hey u gorgeous, I see u do keep checking my profile, which leads me to that u r in love with me, rn’t u?”

I find this message extremely humorous, because it is a total scam to get girls to respond to him.    I found this message on a profile that I made a long time ago, that I list myself as living about 8 hours away.   I certainly have never looked at his profile..  but,  he knows that.   That’s how he gets girls to respond to him.

Could you just imagine, “OMG, I have NEVER checked out your profile, YOU FREAK!” ???

Pet Name?

26 Apr

In case anyone was in the mood for a puzzle..

I received a message from a guy that said:

“Hi pancake baby”

…Hi pancake baby?!   What does that even mean?    I still cannot really tell if this is a compliment, or an insult.   On one hand,  pancakes are thin..  or flat.   On perhaps even that same hand,  pancakes are round.

I don’t think he is trying to tell me that I am flat and round.. because at least in a womanly standpoint,  I think it would be difficult to be both of those things together.

Because I am not a fan of pancakes (I know..I know..) I asked #31 what were some adjectives of pancakes.   He came up with flat, which we already addressed.    Fluffy –  I suppose when I buy my 14 cats I may be a little fluffy.. but currently doesn’t really fit.     Delicious, which I consider a debatable adjective, but for argument sake I really find it hard to believe that someone would refer to another as a “delicious baby”…  that just seems wrong.

#31’s last describing word was versatile.   I think it goes without saying that someone who calls a complete stranger “pancake baby” probably doesn’t know what that is.    Not to mention this was on Plenty of Fish, so really any implied intelligence points needs to be brought down a few by default.

So – I am at a loss..  Was this a compliment or an insult?

 

 

Disturbing..

25 Apr

So – apparently this is not an original, but goes around from time to time..    It’s absolutely disgusting, and the part that probably bothers me most is that someone actually at one point created this.

“I would strangle a moose with a 3 foot long piece of dental floss, gut it with my teeth and use the hide as a coat, then climb Mt. Everest barefoot while listening to Justin Bieber and cannibalizing on my climbing partner to survive with 10,000 volt shock-clamps attached to my nipples just to have a 1% chance to be able to eat a crusty piece of dried vaginal secretion from a pair of your panties from 6 years ago that had never been washed.”

Seriously.  Dear any guy who feels the same way:   Girls wash their clothes.  A lot.  Get a normal fetish and move on with your life.

Guarantee

24 Apr

“i can play your body like a finely tuned instrument – either the most pristine acoustic or highly charged electric instrument… i guarantee at least 2 climaxes for you. and i’ll leave quietly when we are done – it’s up to you let me know if we should meet again after that. 😉

if you are interested in a passionate and unforgettable experience, please give me a call at ***-***-****.”

I find it quite interesting that he thinks he can guarantee such things..   but I am sure this is another form letter.   Is he not afraid of STDs??   I certainly would be..

Copy and Paste Response

23 Apr

Pulled from the reported messages folder – this one is pretty good:

“Hello

I’m guessing my previous message got lost in the sea of “hey, how are you?” or “you’re so beautiful!!!” messages, so to make things easier, I decided to write up a quick copy-paste response for you so that we may get over this hump and continue on our exchange of witty banter. Just select which ever applies and I’ll respond accordingly.

1. Hey [username]! I’m sorry, I’ve just been extremely busy. I’m glad you wrote me back and I can’t wait to start talking to you… and you’re very cute.
2. Hey Hey Hey [username]! I’m sorry, my cat accidentally bit my monitor cable, and by the time I got a new one, your message must have slipped into the abyss, and I had no idea that you messaged me… and you’re very sexy.
3. Hey Hey Hey [username]!!I’m sorry, it’s just that I couldn’t believe such an amazing gentleman exists, and I’m convinced you’re just a robot sitting behind a monitor sending all these random messages out to women… and you’re very sexy.
4. I don’t find any of this funny. I take myself way too seriously and think you’re out of your mind… but you’re very sexy.

I look forward to hearing from you again. “

Not a bad overall message,   it definitely shows his humor.   I totally would have chosen one, maybe altered it a little, and responded.   I am curious to see what his response would have been.

Oh well.

A Long Thick Problem!?!

21 Apr

Just cuz, I figured I’d throw in a bonus post today..

“hello there. how are you doing. your beautiful smile and pictures got my attention. you gave me warm feelings, now i have long thick hard problem.
you look lovely and sssooo young, whats the secret ? smiles”

 

Eww..  T.M.I.   I really have no words for this one.  All I can do is shake my head.

Call Me a Skeptic..

20 Apr

“wow you look perfect are you really single? If you were my gf i would be honest, have integrity towards you, never cheat and be faithful, make you breakfast in bed, buy and make you dinner and lunch, and treat you like a queen like you deserve and i will give the best sex ever”

You know,  I highly highly doubt all of the above.  It may start off all fairy-tale like, but it rarely stays that way..  and that’s a lot of promises made over looks alone and minimal information.

The sad part is,  really, that’s all a guy needs to ever do.   For one month, if that, be just amazingly nice to a girl.   Then, after that,  no matter what he does, she will always think he will eventually go back to being the sweet loving gentleman he was when they first got together.   Seriously.  It happens all the time.

And what’s worse is that we girls know this.

We KNOW the guy we are dating is a huge tool.   We see it too..  but he used to be so sweet.   And we “know” that eventually he will go back to his old ways of being Prince Charming.  And for those of you girls reading this who say you have never done that…  I call bullshit.   Or at the very least, I know you KNOW someone who is keeping some douchebag around because he used to be a super good guy.

You “nice guys”  (and I hate that term..) out there see it too.   Does “Her boyfriend’s an asshole.” sound familiar?   She knows.   But, he was a sweetheart like you once.  You’ve managed to maintain a long time being sweet,  certainly Asshole will go back to his roots.

I am guilty too, but ladies:  we need to stop tolerating this.   This is why we are destined to be divorced, or worse:  CAT LADIES.  If a guy stops doing nice things, and being amazing to you..  he’s got to go.   …But.. easier said than done.. I get it.

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →