Bluffing

16 Oct

I have been asked several times to respond to form messages as an experiment.  Although I feel I don’t need to do so, because I know what the result will be,  I aim to please..  So, behold”

“Hi how are you on this cold day, I just wanted say I would mortgage my house , sell my car, boat, cabin just get spend day with you. Cause damn”

“Do it, and I will make it happen.”

“It was a something cute get your attention :)”

“Okay, you have my attention.”

 

And…..  Nothing.    Don’t step up to the plate if you aren’t going to attempt to hit.  Not to mention this guy online dates all wrong..   His profile merely states:

“If you meet someone in real life you wouldn’t hand them a paper saying this is my autobiography. So if you want get know me feel free send me a message thanks.”

I know writing about yourself is awkward… but you wouldn’t meet someone in real life and type to them instead of talk either.   (However… in good time, I am sure.)

Just another classic example of a guy trying to get out of doing any of the work, aside from the initial message, that also really meant nothing.

So Romantic

15 Oct

While I understand that the stereotype out there is that people who online date are desperate, I would argue that most of us are way less desperate than participants on relationship reality shows… except for this guy:

“I am contacting you regarding a serious proposal that may be of interest to you *NOT looking 4 a one night stand* wanting long term. Would U ”Marry me” plz? The rest will follow spontaneously; I have a passion for life, Want love and can give love. I have a lot of love to give.”

Least romantic proposal ever.

Why would he put the “Marry me” in quotations?   I seriously hope if and when I ever get proposed to that when the actual “Will you marry me?” comes out,   marry is not given the finger quotations.  (That being said, if my future husband is reading this… that would so NOT be funny.)

I would understand this proposal if he was looking for a green card or something.. but he isn’t.   Why would anyone want to take a shot in the dark like that?  Things could go oh-so-terribly wrong.   Sure, dating could too, but at least that’s easier to get out of.

But – long story short – That answer is a no.

Ummm……??

14 Oct

“.…swelling to taste what’s tantalizing, with my wet-clay molding tongue, like a high rope trapeze artist, synchronized with the twilight monarch, twirling in knots and then unfurling from a new cocoon, in violet satin, in the crevices of desire and wetness…. trembling slightly to tickle the senses of not only my tangy rose tongue buds but your sweetly erogenous zones, of your mind, your spirit, of passion and fulfillment… waxing and willing, to smoothly slide and massage like a tropical erosion on a brilliant beach that reaches to the ocean as if to god… wrinkling and sighing like the vapors on the sea, or is it a mirage?
…delicately dreaming of my hands, my body, my entire essence…. all over you, safe and securely and…. we could be one…. sexually and so tastefully…. this is fate…. indeed”

 

…That’s… fascinating..?   Save the “poetry” for when you actually know someone and know they will appreciate it.

Just.So.Weird.

Comment Response

13 Oct

Obviously you all know that you have option to comment on any of my blog posts, and I absolutely LOVE it when you do!  So, totally keep that up.   I got a question on my last post in the comments, and generally if I think it’s something more than one person might want the answer to – I will post it here and respond “publicly”, if you will.

So “Taylor” writes:

“I’ve been subscribed to your blog for over a month and nothing satisfies you. Post an example of something that a guy said that actually worked for you. Your glass is always half empty…as lame as all the messages you get it still gets depressing you’re shooting 99% of them down. The successful Tawkify phone calls that worked for you, post examples of why it worked for you. Toss your male readers a bone.”

 

Hi Taylor!

First and foremost, I would like to point out that my blog is entitled “Soon2BeCatLady – Why I’ll Soon Be A Crazy Cat Lady”  and not “How To Be Successful in Online Dating.”   I don’t anticipate I will ever post anything that “satisfies” me, because that’s really not the point –  I’m actually going for the “humor” piece, if you will.

But-  as I’ve said before, there are messages that I do respond to, and don’t blog about…  I could blog about them, but they lack entertainment value.  Honestly, what works for me may not work for another girl.  I had a podcast interview with Karl Mamer, and part of our discussion included that guys seem to think there is a “One-size-fits-all” approach when it comes to the ladies, and that is SO not the case.   As I am sure you know by now,  girls are weird and crazy.  (I also hope that listening to this podcast also enlightens the “glass half empty” opinion you have of me.  People who know me in real life understand that the amount of pessimism I carry is almost zilch.)

But “throw you a bone”, I will.   This is what works for me:  Engage me in a conversation.  (This also works in so many other aspects of life..)   I feel like my online dating profile is full of information that you could start a conversation about… I understand some are more generic.  (And that sucks.)   If you send me a message online that says, “Hey CatLady,  I read on your profile that you frequent the gym.  What is your favorite workout machine, or the one you use most frequently?”   I will probably respond to that.  That would indicate that you read my profile and find me interesting, instead of just “hot.”   If I get a message that could be copied and pasted to anyone, I will assume you didn’t read my profile and I’m just a piece of meat to you.  (Is that always the case?  NO.   I get that..  but it only takes a couple seconds extra to ask me about something I have referenced. –  I can’t be expected to carry the conversation if you have messaged me first.)

Same goes for Tawkify as well – I have enjoyed the conversations more when it wasn’t interview questions back and forth, and an actual discussion about something.

Really, that’s the only advice I can give you that’s easily accomplished.  If a girl doesn’t respond because she doesn’t find you attractive,  I can’t advise on that.  (However I have said before, and will say again and again.. People aren’t always  what they look like in pictures… and that goes BOTH ways.)       I think online dating needs to progress beyond “window shopping.”   Just because you find someone attractive doesn’t mean that their personality will mesh with yours, you know what I’m saying?

Anyway-  That’s really I have to say on it.  If my blog doesn’t entertain you, use it as a guide for “What NOT to do.”

Hopefully I answered your question to your liking..  if not, well… I don’t know what to tell you.

❤ CatLady

 

Chiquita Banana

12 Oct

After you are online dating for too long with no results… you start to go a little crazy:

“really like your profile, it is very honest and real, you just cut straight to the details. In addition I like the rest of the profile as well, I was once told to be completely honest right away with a girl so here it is I think you are very beautiful and your eyes and smile are like a chiquita banana (haha just let me explain) they say that the Chiquita banana could quite possibly be the most perfect food in the world and I think that your eyes and smile could quite possiby be the most perfect ones in the world but I am not saying your fruity I would have to get to know you before I come to that conclusion(haha). I wrote you this to show you that I am honest, funny,real, and not your typical guy, I am, a bit old fashion when it comes to treating a lady like a lady, I hope to hear from you soon”

Wow..

I find it amusing that he thinks he is a bit “old fashion” after comparing me to a Chiquita banana, and almost calling me “fruity.”    It’s also really cute that he thinks he’s funny.

Another Classy Profile

11 Oct

“My self-summary:

Contact me if you want me to give you a dick. Cause that is all you woman on okcupid want.”

Au contraire, my friend.   The only profiles you tend to click are those of porn bots, because those are the photos that catch your eye first.   Of course THEY are looking for your dick, or rather your credit card.    Most girls on OKC?   No – I think it’s fair enough to say that most of us are looking for something somewhat real.

You guys gotta get past the shallow thing you do.  (Girls do too..)  I’ve said before that I don’t think guys photograph well –  and I think it’s very safe to say that a lot of girls will probably look cuter/hotter in person than it photos too.   Photos taken by professionals, for porn or otherwise,  will always draw you in.

For those of you that don’t know about how awesome Google is..  Google “reverse image search.”   It will teach you how to find out if a photo is a fake or not.  You are welcome.

You All Tawkify Wrong!

10 Oct

I have told you all about Tawkify several times.. but to recap,  Tawkify.com is a website that basically sets you up on blind phone calls/walks/mystery dates – and they also take into account your Klout score, if you have one.   I will say time and time again that I enjoy this concept.

You can all search my blog for Tawkify to get more blogs about my experiences and thoughts about it..   but – I need to tell you Men on Tawkify..  YOU TAWKIFY ALL WRONG!!

I have had over a handful of Tawkify phone dates (most of which have gone well), and I have YET to meet any of these guys in person.    What are you guys doing?! Didn’t you sign up for this service to at the very least meet new people?   Honestly,  I am super curious to find out if any of these phone matches I have are people I would click with in real life.

All but ONE of these guys has my phone number!   And most have fallen off the planet.. without really ever communicating after the initial phone set up.   Gentlemen,  I strongly encourage you to sign up for Tawkify — but the rule is, if a girl interests you on the phone,  freaking meet up for coffee or something!   (Spoiler alert:  If you have her phone number, SHE WILL SAY YES.)

I can’t believe I have to spell this out..

(And I am seriously anxiously awaiting the day one of my phone dates asks me if I am the CatLady.. haha!)

I Need an Attitude Adjustment

9 Oct

“You’re super cute and fucking awesome :)”

Well – both of these are actually true, so I decided to write back.

“Thanks!  I agree.”

“You’re welcome. Im guessing youre not interested”

“Oh.  Okay.”

Guys – if you decide for a girl that she isn’t interested,  she shouldn’t be interested. I totally get that I didn’t really give him anything to work with, but in my defense –  he didn’t give me much to work with either.

“Haha or are you? I just thought the attitude was a signal”

The attitude?!  I didn’t realize I used my attitude font.   I thought I was agreeing with what he had to say..  If someone is agreeing with you,  I think more often than not it’s a good thing..  Maybe I’m off base..

You guys do need to quit with the whole guessing someone isn’t interested bit, though.. or at least telling the person that theory.   Nothing stops me in my tracks faster.

 

Who Needs Personality?

8 Oct

Some people looking for love online are looking for people to date, or for something casual.   Some are looking for someone with an awesome personality.    Some are looking for their soul mate…  And others are online dating to find something else- and feel the need to only ask the most important question on every man’s mind:

“Hey! I read your profile. Do you like giving roadhead? ?​”

You, too, could win yourself a beautiful girlfriend – all by just making someone online you find attractive feel like a piece of meat.   — Do you think not getting road head is his only deal breaker?

Please don’t tell me it’s time for all the boys to start howling at the moon, again..

Phucking

7 Oct

On September 30th, I got a message on my “fake” POF account that said:

 

“Dear Snake Charmer….  (remember I have a photo of me holding a snake..)

Love to meet you for soda, tea, cognac or what ever.

Timothy

p/s I threw a full bottle of horse radish at a neighbor’s cat trying to walk into my kitchen door this morning.
I missed the cat, but I broke the jar of horse radish..

Obviously I hate cats..and have dated my share of girls with them! 
I prefer only one pussy in my bed! T2″

 

I should also specify that on my fake POF profile, I bring up my dislike for cats.  (The profile itself is pretty vague.)

Even if this guy was in my area, and not hundreds of miles away – the lame pussy joke that I have gotten over and over is stupid..  Not to mention is man is TWENTY YEARS my senior.

 

Today.. I got part two.. (Which also happens to be his POF profile text..)

 

“OK….my second note to you..Better Block me!

Do you have a phucking clue what you are looking for?

Would you know him
if you saw him on the street?
Would you know him
if you woke up with him?
Would you know him,
if he was deep inside of you?

if He was Me?

Would you be petty and nit pick stupidities,as you have done so many times before.

Mister Perfect. Sure.

Lose the Good, in search of The Better..

Be intersted in booze and snooze and music groups, and football teams, and other stupidies ripping the seams..?

Looking for a Diamond, when you have a chunk of Gold?
And shit, winter is upon us, and nights will be Cold!

And the sheets hard and stiff, when with the right stiff lover, sheets could be wet and warm all winter long. How can you phuck this guy up??? You have done it before, you can phuck it all up again. Yes, this guy on the screen..you are reading him. He is actually just fine.

Wake Up, don’t lose another good man! Chrissake..how can you look so sharp, and be so stupid.
Tell it like it is!

You have missed plenty of opportunities with good guys who really were just fine, but You always had to just be perfect, and blow off another good guy, when you could have been perfectly happy, being accepting him and just blowing him.

Well, here we have a nearly perfect guy. Moi.

Healthy, except for a broken leg from skiiing in Switzerland. No bad habits, no excess baggage no dirty laundry no ex-wives in the closet.., no gambling debts, no drugs, He actually has a great home and a good job! Oh but, he shaves his head, oh but he is too stuffy and listens to opera, oh but he cooks really well, is a great dresser, and good party host and..yes, he is so good at night, afternoon and early in the morning..perhaps even for his age, he may just screw you more and better than you are used to…
but, but, he is so much older than you are…
so let’s just call that the Deal Breaker..
and move back to some Country Music College Boy,
with a backwards baseball hat,
who has spent last night
balling your best friend,
Pat..

Yeah..better just delete this guy..and just move on…”

 

So. Many. Thoughts…  Which probably don’t need to be typed because you already know how ridiculous this is.

I will leave you with this:  Did a 47 year old man really just spell “fucking” with a PH?!   And did I misinterpret.. or is name both Timothy and Pat?

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