I Don’t Want to See Your Pussy

14 Sep

Fellow online daters:   What the crap is your deal with posting photos of your cats and dogs?   (Or your car, or your food.. etc. etc. etc. – for that matter.)   Last I checked, I was online to find a person, not a cat –  however, word on the street is I may be in that market soon.

I get it – you have animals.  Great!  Take your photo with your pet.  (And if you really want to get me purring:  Read and do this.)   I don’t need to see 3 pictures of Rover when you have only one of yourself, sporting your sunglasses.   I think you are missing the point.  I will admit – on my profile – I have a photo of myself holding a snake.  It’s not mine, it’s Velvet’s..  but, it’s on there to show you how bad ass I am… and to make awesome “That’s What She Said” jokes.

Online dating websites are NOT Facebook.   If we get to talking,  I may be okay with seeing Rover if we become Facebook friends.. because that is the avenue for people to be obnoxious with those kinds of photos.

So, just leave your pussies and cocks off of online dating, okay?   Both literally and figuratively.

Cougar Town

13 Sep

I have often mentioned my friend Velvet in my posts, and she has guest blogged a few times as well.   Obviously she is doing the online dating thing too.

Before I show you the message she got,  I think it’s important to also tell you that there is a 10 year age gap between Velvet and myself.    I am considered to be in my “mid to late twenties..”  and much to her disliking,  she is the older of the two of us.   (I act older though, right Velv?)

So,  Velvet received the following message:

“Hi Cutie!!! I’m Zach, I’m 23, and just got back into diapers after my mom found out I wet my bed :/ what’s up!?!…”

For starters..  23 is too young for me.  Yikes.  (Alright, alright… I’m an age snob, I know… but seriously..)    But – is he trying to be funny?   If so, he was not successful.   Was he trying to make it obvious that he understood the major age gap?

Does anyone understand this??

Furthermore.. would anyone respond to this?!

OKCupid Questions – A Rant

12 Sep

We need to talk about OKCupid match questions again.

As you may, or may not know..  OKCupid users create the questions that you can answer on the website.   There are literally thousands of them.   I don’t think it’s humanly possible to get through them all, not that you’d want to.   Some of the questions are just bizarre.

Anyway – I know I have brought this specific question up months ago.. but I feel the need to rant about it again.

Men of the interwebs..  If you answer the OKCupid Question:

“Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?”

with YES…  you are the biggest tool on the planet.

Let me clarify:  I am not against shaved legs.  Not in the slightest.  You can prefer me to shave my legs on a consistent basis all you want..  but by no means am I obligated to do so..  and if you so think that I am obligated to do so,  I’m calling it off.    The question doesn’t ask your preference, it asks if you think women are obligated to do so.  — And, quite honestly, if I managed to fall in love with someone who felt I was obligated to shave my legs…  I would be very quick to inform him that he is also obligated to shave his legs.   None of this “double standard” shit.

By now it should be quite clear that I don’t take highly people obligating me to do things.   The only thing in life that I am obligated to do is breathe and pay taxes.

On my quest for love online, I am looking for a partner.  Someone who isn’t going to force me to do anything, and will support my decisions for me, even if the opinion differs from their own.   But, apparently, that is going to turn me into an 80 year old lady with 17 cats.   Go figure.

 

What a Stupid Question.

11 Sep

I promise you all that I am way hotter in your head than I am in real life.

“Hey does it turn you on knowing I’d love to get you naked?”

Honestly, guys..  there is no reason to ask this question.   The answer is “No.”    Unless you are Ryan Reynolds,  Adam Levine, or someone insanely attractive and famous.   ​  Random stranger on the internet, you are one of many who would love to get me (and any other female internet dating) naked.   You’re wired to want to put your stick in to just about everything… something of which I personally will never understand.  In my defense, you will also probably never understand my quest for emotional attachment.  (I am not talking to ALL guys here.. I am talking about the ones who clearly want to have sex with anything with boobs.)

Once again, I will remind you all that OKCupid is not the avenue for this kind of stuff, as a general rule.    Try Adult Friend Finder.. Really, though, if you want to get in a girl’s pants.. you gotta woo her.  Try it sometime.

Not Scary at All

10 Sep

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for love, I can tell you I don’t have any interest. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you setup a date and have sex with me, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

I can only hope that this guy really just has some sick twisted humor and he isn’t serious..  but, this sort of stuff is not cool.   No girl should need to feel threatened on the internet.

Safety is a big deal when it comes to the internet, folks.   Sure, I meet a lot of people from OKCupid, and have met two of POF..  but, I make sure I have safety measures in place.   1)  Google Voice.  No one is getting my real number until I am secure in them not being a wack-job.   GV gives me full control.   2)  Making sure a friend knows where I am, and does a check in – either by phone, or showing up at the place.   And if for some reason a friend is not available,  3) Carry a gun.  No one needs to know how bad-ass you are,  unless there is a need for you to be bad-ass.

(For the record – I am understanding this dude’s message to be a movie quote.. Nevertheless – inappropriate.)

I Need Your Expertise

9 Sep

No funny message today, but figured since I tend to get a fair amount of comments, I could ask you all for your advice.

The problem is this:   When I go out on OKCupid dates, or what have you..  The date ends and I either like the person enough to at least go out again, or I have no interest what-so-ever.   Sometimes I fall in the middle, but I’m not asking about those times.

And this is what happens almost no-fail, everytime:     CatLady had a nice time and would be interested in going out again..   Date either falls off the planet or lets her know he isn’t interested.    OR:   CatLady really isn’t interested, and Date is pretty much in love with CatLady and won’t leave her alone.   (For the record, if I am kind-of “Not sure, I could take it or leave it..”,  I generally hear from the person again.)

I very rarely get passed the “first date.”

I guess my question is.. How does a female indicate she had a nice time, and is interested in hanging out again, without being the one to have to make “the move” – and without being overly invested?  (Hey, I get it – sometimes he’s just not interested..)   I also want to clarify, when I AM interested in seeing the person again, I don’t think I am psycho about it..  Maybe I’m too nonchalant?

Tips.. Advice.. Anything… GO!

How Did You Spend YOUR Friday Night?

8 Sep

Sometimes story-telling is necessary..   Other times – well, not so much:

“how are you? sexy white guy here… just saw a big fight at walmart between 4 white guys vs 3 black guys because the black guys kept showing off there dicks to the guys gfs saying it was bigger then theres. got wild”

Not the best first impression you could make, photo-less dude.   Why would you feel it necessary to message this to a complete stranger?    — And… Walmart?  Seriously?

Sperm Warfare

7 Sep

“I came across your profile and was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals. Of course this “engagement” may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to rump pounding, sperm warfare, sexual acts involving food, and an abundance of new unchartered sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions.”

 

…Just…  Wow.  Well, at least he is honest about where the conversation would quickly turn to if one was to respond.  In a way – I wish all messages that were going to turn that way would have this disclaimer.

OKCupid “Locals”

6 Sep

I am gonna whine a little bit..

So, naturally since I online date for a living, I have the OKCupid app on my smartphone.  And I have to tell you, while I like the concept, I HATE their “Locals” feature.

I don’t know if it’s just my phone, but it’s not like I am alerted when someone presses the magic button that they want to meet up with me.   (I don’t have an IPhone.)  So, great.. I find out 3 hours later that someone had wanted to meet up.  And then,  I have no way to message the person, because my only option for responding is to ignore the request, or say “I want to meet you too!”   (Which, then tells them that I am cool with meeting,  and then we can message through a different messaging system within OKCupid.. which still doesn’t alert my phone.)

Why would I click that I would want to meet them without any idea as to where they are suggesting to meet, or what they are suggesting to do?   For all I know, I could be agreeing to some orgy without even knowing about it!

The local broadcasts are another story.   Someone could put out there that they are at such and such a bar with friends..  and I could see that being cool.  But again – make my phone blink or something so I don’t walk into walls while draining my phone battery refreshing the OKCupid app every 5 seconds.

And then – get this!  I can’t even turn the damn thing off!  I can disable it for a day.. and then I forget about it, and I am at work on break and see that someone wants to meet me.    Yeah…  at 1:00pm on a Wednesday afternoon.. Fantastic.   Why aren’t you at work?!

Anyway, to those of you who have suggested we meet up and I never responded.. I’m sorry.    And, OKCupid.. you need to make Locals better.

Meow.

5 Sep

I don’t like cats –  Okay.. that’s a lie.   I just don’t want any cats.   If I ever get anything furry,  it would probably be a dog.   But – I have on one of my online dating profiles that I dislike cats.

Today, I got pretty much the most original and classy message ever:

“I LIKE CATS BUT ONLY THE KIND YOU GOT….. :-)”

Haven’t we all established by now that all caps is the equivalent of yelling?  Who does that?    And yeah.. I get it..  I may not like cats, but I have a pussy.  Har har.

At least his username, which includes the word “immature”, isn’t deceiving.   Seriously, though..  would any of you be impressed with his message?

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