I Won The Lottery?

24 Jul

Velvet here..

“Um,.. hi, My name is Mark and set up this profile thingey never to meet anyone unless they were bhave as hell and it was designed for diasster with any normal dickweed delinquent like yourself.  According to our judges yuo have won the Marko LOTTO!!!”

I love that he can spell delinquent, but disaster is another story… but, is he really calling me a “normal dickweed delinquent?”    That sentence doesn’t really make any sense.

Lucky lucky lucky me!

That Sounds Sticky

23 Jul

“you lookin purdy damn hot. let me take you to my cabin and poor some budlight on that body 😉 We’ll git er dun”

First of all – don’t even get me started on “git er dun.”   I can’t stand it.

I cannot possibly be the only female on the planet who isn’t really a fan of getting beer poured all over her.   I am trying to determine if he meant the budlight bath to cool me off, or to attempt to sound sexy.   Either way, I am pretty sure that would be considered alcohol abuse.

Is That Even Possible?

22 Jul

“Yeah, OK. I read it all. I us3d to promise a one hour orasim, but lately have had to cut it back to 45 minutes. Think you could handle that?”

I can only imagine that “orasim” means orgasm, but someone is either drunk, high or stupid – especially with using a 3 instead of e…  But,  let’s pretend for a second that we weren’t making fun of him –  is a 45 minute orgasm even humanly possible?  Or is he highly confused as to what that actually is?

Regardless –  no thanks.

Swagga’

21 Jul

I got a message today on the Meat Market from someone who, according to his user name, thinks he has “Swagga.”   I don’t know if that is generally something people want themselves defined as – but, to each his own.

“U r adorable..and i like what u said in ur profile..do we have to date to enjoy and have fun..im a prty guy also love corona and or remmie..and only good green cush and purp..i like big trucks and and 4wheelers in the mud.. i like out doors but also like to just smoke drink and if i click with the perso. Long periods of sex. Good mutual pleasured sex….so thats sum of me in a nutshell..anything else just ask”

I will throw out there once again that I can be pretty naive,  but I am not quite sure what he means by “green cush and purp.”   Is that a drug reference?

But – oh my goodness – he is a MAN who likes SEX?!   (And one who would prefer to skip the dating part and go right to it?)    That is unheard of.   Madness, I tell you,  utter madness!  I have never encountered such a thing before in any of my lives.  He must be lying,  all the men I know hate sex.

Oh America – what’s wrong with you?  Our poor, poor future.

“Wanna Chat?”

20 Jul

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I should be responding to more of the stupid messages I get, because they make for great stories.  (I will note that this is on my out of town page that I request a big strong man capable of mowing my lawn and shoveling my driveway..)

“Hey wanna chat?”

“About?”

“About what you want to do on our first date.”

“That’s a little bold, don’t you think?”

“Not really. This is a dating site we are both on”

“Just because two people are on a dating website doesn’t necessarily mean they will date.”

(Especially if they live a handful of states away..)

“You are absolutely correct, but wouldn’t you like to go on a date with an older successful man who can shovel snow and mow lawns or hire mexicans to do either?”

Wow…. I made an executive decision at this point to stop wasting my time, and his for that matter, and didn’t respond.

“I hope I didn’t offend you. You are not mexican are you? I love mexicans, by the way. The truth is we should go on a date because I think you’re very cute.”

I don’t really understand asking people their ethnicity when they have photos of themselves up.  I am practically albino with how pale skinned I am.. there is no need to ask me if I am Mexican, I am clearly not.

I still didn’t respond.. I don’t need to be called fat or ugly when I turn him down, because I certainly am not taking a plane ride to meet this charmer.

“Where have you gone, my little tulip? Where fore art thou?”

Haha – now he thinks he is a master of the English language..  that’s cute.

 

My 2nd Tawkify Phone Date

19 Jul

Wow – my 2nd Tawkify experience was SO much better than the first one!   We actually had a conversation about a very similar interest we have (as well as a few other topics), and the 10 minute conversation went by so unbelievably fast and cut me off mid sentence.

While it’s frustrating, because I totally want to talk to him again –  That’s what I really like about Tawkify that I didn’t get to experience with the first phone call.    The wait.   Was I equally as interesting?  I get to torture myself for the following week, and it will make me feel alive.  While it’s annoying, I am excited about it.

We did spend about a minute talking about OKCupid.   He had said he is on there as well, and we both wondered out loud if we have ever chatted on there before.   He said it would have been pretty awkward if he had messaged me before and I didn’t respond.   I told him “Well, if you wrote ‘Hi, how are you?’  I most likely ignored you.”    He told me I should give him a bit more credit than that because he would have written “You’re hot.”    (I am just assuming he uses proper spelling and grammar.)

So.. more to come on that..

****

One other thing I wanted to mention, completely off topic..

I work with Velvet, and she came to my desk today and said “I DID IT!”  I looked at her very confused and she continued, “I have an OKCupid date on Friday…. with my 99% ENEMY!”

I am equally as excited about this as she is..  and she has promised to guest blog about it… So – even more reasons to stay tuned!

OKCupid: My Self Summary

18 Jul

This may just be my favorite self summary on OKCupid of all time:

“My self-summary

This website sucks… u vapid women would not know a good guy if he came and shit on your tits”

Now.. wait a second here..  I am pretty sure a good guy wouldn’t do anything of the sort with my, or any female’s tits.    That just doesn’t seem like something a do-gooder would do.

Why does he think that’s a good analogy?   Or, better yet.. Why does he think that is suddenly going to make him appealing?  He obviously thinks pretty highly of himself..  does he go around pooping on people?!

There are several people on this Earth that I will never understand..

Even If He’s a Doctor..

17 Jul

My poor friend, Velvet, is back on the online dating scene after being MIA from it for a good year and a half.   Your legs get a little wobbly the first time you are attempting online dating, or when jumping back in.

Here’s the deal – you need to set ground rules for yourself.. and you need to stick with those… EVEN if the man is a doctor.   I know you’d do your mother proud if you brought home a doctor,  but remember.. this doctor is online dating.  

So, Velvet had a few messages back and forth with the doctor.  She described his profile as funny and sweet, and it helped that he was cute.  (Also.. side note: Everyone should learn how to reverse search photos to make sure you aren’t being lied to online.)    Pretty quickly, the doctor asked for Velvet’s cell phone number, and another photo (as she currently only has one.)

Velvet didn’t stick to her online dating rule of not sending out pictures upon quick request, and likewise with her phone number.   He was a cute doctor.  (And let’s be honest.. let’s say Patrick Dempsey was REALLY a doctor, and wanted my number,  you can bet your ass I’d give it to him.  Mmm… I love me some Patrick Dempsey.)

Luckily for Velvet,  the photo she sent turned cute doctor into a pig immediately, and he responded “Sexxxxxxy bod”.

Eventually, comments such as that are acceptable..  after you’ve known a person for awhile.   Not within an hour of chatting with someone online.    Don’t break your rules.. if the cute doctor is worth it, he’ll play by the rules.

Adoption?

16 Jul

I guess I have never looked into adoption before, but I have a feeling it’s a bit more complex than what this guy realizes.  I guess on the plus side:  I’m adorable?

“You’re adorable. I’m adopting you as my little sister so we can drink kool-aid and climb trees. Afterwards we can star in a commercial about how awesome adoption is and you can give a really sad face to the camera but then I come around the corner with a pitcher of kool-aid and your smile turns into a party.”

Oh so very random.   I am pretty sure I didn’t join OKCupid, PlentyOfFish or any other dating website gain an adopted older brother.. especially since I am in what most people consider my late twenties.  Besides, I already have a brother.. I certainly don’t need another one.

Adopt me as your girlfriend, change kool-aid to alcohol and climbing trees to almost anything else,  and I’d probably be willing to close the deal..  Even with the commercial.

Hmmmmmm….

15 Jul

Maybe some girls like this type of first message.. but, I don’t get it..

“I slowly lick up your thigh the anticipation making you squirm and moan..”

Before you are quick to judge..  I mean, I do get it… but, I don’t really see the fun in this type of thing.   I don’t know you, I don’t want to pretend you are licking up my leg..  that’s just a little odd to me, ya know?   It’s not like you go up to someone at the grocery store and start licking up her thigh, right?

Really, I would just advise to not attempt these types of messages until you know the person..   Otherwise, you’re probably just being laughed at.

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