What If..

7 Apr

Another classy first online dating message:

“what would you do if you came home and found a 30 year old guy in ya bed naked”

Sadly,  this question is missing way too much detail to be able answer as honestly as possible.

First of all, who is this 30 year old guy?   Is he my boyfriend?   Because in that instance, the answer could easily be jump into bed with him.   Is he this user who is a complete stranger to me?   Because then I would probably scream and call the cops.  Is this thirty year old guy a movie star?

What is the purpose of him being there?    Does he hear me scream and realize he is in the wrong house?  I may not call the cops in that instance.

Where are his clothes?  How did he get in?  Is anyone in the house with me? Does he say anything to me?  Do I have a gun?

See- too many unanswered questions to even consider answering this.

Boy Toy

6 Apr

Part of me wishes that I was more promiscuous, because the social experiments I would conduct would be fascinating.  Or perhaps just a gun to protect myself if things got out of line.   But, instead, I will go based on what I know to be true by witnessing others.

I have said this before, but to remind you – even though I hate everything that is Plenty of Fish because of how gross it is –  I try to “help out” my POF fans by telling them I would be more likely to respond if they mention my favorite TV show.

” have not seen the show..but if you ever need a boy toy..”

…And this guy’s profile says he is looking for a long term relationship…

Here’s what I don’t understand:   Why do guys think that girls really don’t have any options?   I mean, I understand the stereotype “She’s online dating, she must be desperate.”  but seriously – if I was looking for a good time, I am pretty sure I could make that happen.   (Again- no experience in this, because I am quite a respectable girl..)   Doesn’t this just require a few fluttering eyelashes and whispering something a little suggestive?

So,  what I am saying is this:   If I was looking for a boy toy,  I wouldn’t go to a stranger on the internet.   And, come on… even the website suggests that there are plenty of fish.  I guess you miss the shots you don’t take, but really? What is the success rate of soliciting normal people for physical attention on online dating sites?    Like I said,  part of me wishes I thought that was a good idea, because I’d be doing some research.

Instead I wrote back, “Doesn’t your profile say you are looking for a long term relationship?  Am I not worthy of one of those?”    

“Aww, don’t say that. Of course you’re worthy of one of those. I’ve just been so darn busy lately and had a lot of my mind, and I’ll admit, I may be a lil in the mood here and there 😉 So please don’t take offense.”

Yeah- the answer is still no.

He has no idea..

5 Apr

“You are more awesome than a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out of bacon riding a cyborg unicorn with a light-saber for the horn on the tip of a space shuttle closing in on Mars while engulfed in flames”

I don’t think he realizes just how well he hit the nail on the head!    I am impressed with his active imagination.

I don’t think a monkey wearing a tuxedo made out of bacon would make it very far without eating said tuxedo however.  =)

 

Only a few short hours after originally posting this,   my dear twitter friend @journeythruokc tweeted to me:   “I can’t tell what’s more lame, that you don’t know about the letter a kid wrote to a weatherman or that he stole material.”

Now, I pride myself on definitely not being up to speed on things that are viral. I catch wind far too late of everything “popular” for the most part.   I am definitely okay with that – but of course I had to immediately look this up.

Dude – you had to steal a line from a school kid?!

I still vouch that I am more awesome than said monkey.. but geez.

Match Made in Heaven

4 Apr

“Hi,my parole officer thinks I’ve got the potential to be a wonderful human being, and that I just need to get out there,take the initiative,mingle and meet new people. “

I hope he is kidding..   but since that is a first message, it’s scary to think that there might be a slight truth to it.   I wasn’t planning on responding, as it’s definitely not my humor – but my friend Velvet said she would..  So – what the heck?

“That’s funny since my shrink says I need more friends than just my eight cats.”

Two can play that game.

Poetry

3 Apr

“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Lets cut to the chase
When can I fuck you?”

Never.    The answer is never.

 

P.S.   My friend @s4m4nth4x posted an awesome blog today about people with shady profiles.   Read it!  http://www.s4m4nth4x.com/2012/04/i-see-your-true-colors.html?spref=tw

 

The Girls

2 Apr

“i dont meant any harm,,,but i love the way your titties hang and look”

I actually believe that this guy didn’t meant any harm.. however – I would advise against telling a girl that you love how her chest hangs.   That is not a compliment.    We don’t want the girls to hang.

When my friend Velvet read that, she started singing:  “Do your titties hang low, do they wobble to and fro?”     Yeah – that is SO not a nice visual.

Since we are on the subject, I also want to address a few points for my guy readers out there.  I am sure if my girl readers disagree with any of these, they will comment and tell us so..

So – we’ve already covered that hanging means we could tie them in knots or bows, and that is not something we want to do..

Most strangers on the internet, except maybe porn bots, are going to be offended if you ask about them or make reference to them.   You could possibly get away with a “You have a very lovely rack”  maybe once, after you have talked to someone for awhile, but if you continue further, that’s what gets you blocked.

Our eyes aren’t down there.   Surprise!

And last, but not least… after seeing some of the erotica J was sent when she had her fishnet leg photo up..  At least the women I have polled have all agreed with me that we cannot feel when the nips are saying hello.  Suggesting “When I start to kiss you, you feel your nipples grow hard..”  is ridonkulous.

Fake Profiles… Maybe..

1 Apr

Every now and again, I log on to #31’s page specifically to see what people have flagged as inappropriate, as he is my buddy who was given the opportunity to be a moderator.

The most common violation is having pictures of something other than themselves,  for example a pet photo.  Of course, I have seen a fair share of  junk photos, as well as some questionable photos from some ladies as well.   Keep it classy, everyone.

I had a fun outing last night with some close girl friends of mine, and we spent a little while moderating together.   I think our overall favorite for the evening was a female profile that was flagged.   There were 3 photos of the girl,  and a blank profile.   On OKCupid, blank profiles are not against the rules..    The comment from the flagger was:

“This photos are from porn!  Trust me i know my porn”

Now, technically, he flagged the profile-  which means the moderators can’t do anything.  There is no violation with the profile.  He should have flagged the photo..  However-  my question here is – Where is the proof?    Sure-  the moderators could image-search the photo on Google – but what does that prove?     Maybe the porn “star” has moved on from the industry and is looking for a relationship now.   Who are we to make that judgment call?  Although that situation is not very likely, I still don’t believe we could really prove otherwise.

To the flagger:   Wow.  I am not saying that watching porn is bad, because I don’t really have strong opinions on it… Do what you will.  I am sorry, if you recognize a girl’s face on a dating website as something you saw while watching porn.. it may be high time to get some other hobbies.

No.

31 Mar

“I would love to get to no you if you want to get to no this guy im sweet loyal caring etc.”

No?  NO!?

You can spell words like loyal and caring..  but you write “no” instead of  “know”?   Are you kidding me?    I don’t even think he is literally a bad speller, this just indicates pure laziness.    I can’t get over it.

Additionally,   while sweet, loyal and caring are definitely fantastic qualities – I am 100% certain that if this were all a girl looked for in a man,  there’d be a lot less single people in the world.   While certainly there are people out there without those qualities-  people who want to be in a relationship tend to carry them, if only for the beginning..  So, in a way, it goes without saying.

Do I want to get to no this guy?   Know, know I don’t.

“Why Men Hate Women”

29 Mar

#31 sent me an interesting read the other day called “5 Ways Modern Men are Trained to Hate Women.”  (It can be found: http://www.cracked.com/article_19785_5-ways-modern-men-are-trained-to-hate-women.html)

Because I am not a man, and very certainly a female – I find it hard to discuss it at length, because I know not how the male mind works.   I found the article to perhaps be a tad extreme- but at the same time, it may not be far off.  My guy readers should let me know if that’s how it really is.

#31 told me that he feels at least Reason # 5 (the first listed in the article) which is “We Were Told That Society Owed Us a Hot Girl”   is the most truthful, and perhaps why men on the meat market often say such offensive things, and act like they are owed a response, a picture, sex or what have you.

For those of you without time to go read the article – I paraphrase “Reason #5” by stating that the author basically says every chick flick us girls ever drag a guy to see, or any movie at all, shows a guy at the end getting the hot girl with basically no work involved.   The girl never complains, but also doesn’t really seem to have a say in the matter.

This makes me laugh – especially the crap girls get about liking the rom’ coms.  I enjoy a good chick flick every now and again,  and I may leave with a sense of “I want to fall in love!”  but at least I know that I should keep on dreamin’.   This article suggests that guys are almost WORSE at doing this.  At least in the girly movies, the guy at least is a decent guy that you could bring home to Mom, so it’s easy to understand why the lead chicky falls head over heels.

Anyway, though – just my two cents.  Check the article out and let’s discuss.

The Online Dating Profile Picture

28 Mar

I am almost regretting writing this already because I have a feeling I am going to get a lot of calls and text messages that say “You don’t mean ME though, right?”   So, to stop that from happening:  YES!  I MEAN YOU!!

I try very hard when it comes to online dating to not make a decision on a profile photo alone, because I understand that some people are not photogenic and others are too photogenic.

As you should all know by now,  I have a tendency of finding people I know online.

Guys –  would you freaking post a photo of you that you actually look good in?!  Have a girl pick out your profile photo or photos for you.   I had a visitor to my profile a few days ago, and it was someone I knew and could pick out of a huge crowd.   I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS HIM!   The picture was THAT bad.   This has happened far too many times.  This particular guy is super cute in real life  – not so much in the picture.

I know you know some girls – if you don’t- email me the choices and I will tell you which to choose.. but I think it’s best if someone you know in real life picks it out for you.   Or tells you it’s time to take some new photos.    Personal preference for me:  I don’t want to see you decked out in Zombie apparel.  I have yet to see one Zombie be even remotely attractive.  (I know it’s not the point – just save that one for the people who love you anyway and post it to Facebook.)

Also – lastly, just as a public service announcement:   Don’t, under any circumstance,  post a photo of your junk.  EVER.

Seriously.

 

 

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